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Old 19th January 2014, 10:24 AM   #256
Roses
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Originally Posted by magneto View Post
She was raised only by her mom, and always came off with the attitude that she didn't need a man. And I have felt that all these years...unneeded, unloved, and unappreciated.
I'm not sure probably she felt she couldn't rely on you mentally or emotionally etc. Not sure the reasons why. Did you do anything which prompted her to behave this way?

If you already went outside the marriage to fill your unmet "emotional needs" as a result, then your marriage has been over anyway. (I'm not saying you were..)
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Old 19th January 2014, 10:29 AM   #257
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I just cant see that we should end a marriage just because we don't 'feel' that romantic love any more.
Based on a number of threads posted by men and women who were left by their spouse, this happens all the time in reality. Perhaps, this is reflective of how this society has become.
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Old 19th January 2014, 12:18 PM   #258
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Yes. Usually, when this happen, there are some problems at home - husband seeing someone else, not giving her any attention, there's something wrong but not sure what it is etc. Not a very nice situation.
I dont know Roses I think some women complain no matter what their husbands are like. I worry about my step son because he is now in his late 20's, still living at home with his mum, and only seems to mix with his mum and her divorced friends. I am sure that even subconsciously he must picks up on 'anti man' sentiments even if they are subtle, and we are praying that he will leave home asap. Thankfully the other son left home nearly 3 years ago and lives abroad.
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Old 19th January 2014, 01:21 PM   #259
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I dont know Roses I think some women complain no matter what their husbands are like. I worry about my step son because he is now in his late 20's, still living at home with his mum, and only seems to mix with his mum and her divorced friends.
True. Some wives may not appreciate what they have regardless.

If your step son is the youngest of all, then these young men may be more likely to take up a role of being a confidante for his mother.

Mothers aren't particularly averse to her youngest son being close to her esp. if she has already lost her husband. I have seen some examples. Some men are sometimes, in their Forties or Fifties even. Too comfortable to leave, I guess.
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Old 19th January 2014, 01:26 PM   #260
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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She's probably very much aware that you haven't been happy with her. That's not the best place for anyone to be in for a long time.
And I'm aware that she has not been happy with me. This is a mutual feeling.
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Old 19th January 2014, 01:34 PM   #261
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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This one seems to be one of the commonest complaints. Are you sure you are not comparing your wife with other women e.g. "there must be someone far better than this"?
I'm not comparing her in the sense of other women being better. It's more "I can do bad by myself". What I mean by that is, if i'm not getting my needs (physical, emotional, supportive) met, I can do this alone. Every person has their issues. I'm sure if I found someone else, there would be something about them I'd have to deal with as well. So "far better than this" is very subjective.
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Old 19th January 2014, 01:42 PM   #262
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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In my opinion, honesty is unfortunately...the best and only way...so I wouldn't necessarily disagree with you.

Are you essentially saying, all relationships have its sell-by-date and the society has changed significantly since your mum and dad were married?

Do we know roughly how old you are and how many years you have been married magneto? Is your separation fairly recent? Are you the one who moved out or was it your wife who moved out?

Thanks,
I think some people will stay married regardless of how bad a marriage has become. I know guys who cheat on their wives repeatedly, and women in kind. Regardless, they would never get a divorce. I know people who get physically, emotionally, and mentally abused, however, they would never leave their spouse. My observation is that older people (like my mum and dad) just tolerated whatever for the sake of keeping the family together. That is what i get from many of the people I talk to about marriage. "I'm too old to start over", "I don't want to pay her money", "she is my kids mum, and I don't want to upset the family". However, not much "I can't see living without her". Nowadays I believe people are far less agreeable to continue on when things are going bad, and their needs aren't being met or satisfied.

I'm in my mid-forties and have been married 20+ years. She left about 5 months ago.

Last edited by magneto; 19th January 2014 at 02:01 PM.
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Old 19th January 2014, 01:52 PM   #263
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I think your problems Magneto are kind of normal for people with marriage problems. Some of that is in every marriage. People are different. I find it doesn't really matter so long as the love is maintained. I think eventually you have to learn to love on purpose and the feelings will follow. Looking for an in love feeling is the wrong way round and gets you imagining it in some mythical green field leading to unfaithfulness. I know it takes character to work on a marriage and statistics show that most come good within four years if they don't divorce.Timothy and Kathy Keller "The Meaning of Marriage"

Funny there's a chapter in the book entitled "Love Me -- No, You Love Me". The one who rekindles the love by loving on purpose has my accolade any day. The other doesn't have to be like you. Part of love is allowing them to be themselves and accepting them for who they are. Someone has to start and that someone must always be me not them.

Roses don't believe the lie that it has to get worse the longer it goes on. Many find that it gets better and richer. I also find that and I am sure Chosen does.
So what happens when at 12 years of marriage and you're at this stage. 4,5,6,7 years pass. No improvement. How long do you go before you just acknowledge that things aren't going to be anything other than what they are. Sometimes it does get worse, at least in my case it has.
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Old 19th January 2014, 01:55 PM   #264
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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OH yes definitely. I know that I have only been married for 8 years second time round, but the love changes but deepens as time passes. A lot of the marriage is companionship and friendship isn't it, and not an all consuming romantic love. In the end my husband and I are the very best of friends.


We had loads of baggage when we married(both in our late 40's with many bad things behind us, as well as both having had long first marriages) but gradually we(with Gods help) have dealt with them and we have both had a lot of healing through each other. Faithfulness, security, friendship companionship and knowing that we will always be there for one another, are so important.

I just cant see that we should end a marriage just because we don't 'feel' that romantic love any more. Most marriages go through dry patches and come put the other side, and it does take effort on our part to keep that relationship alive. God once said to me that its like a garden that needs tending and weeding and mowing or it gets over grown and chocked. Fences need repairing so that we don't allow things out side the marriage so get in and create problems, or allow ourselves to stray out side the marriage looking for what we should be getting inside.
Chosen, what happened in your first marriage. I wasn't aware that this was your second. Do you think you would be far less eager to divorce now because you are older had the same circumstances arose?

Last edited by magneto; 19th January 2014 at 02:01 PM.
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Old 19th January 2014, 02:26 PM   #265
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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True. Some wives may not appreciate what they have regardless.

If your step son is the youngest of all, then these young men may be more likely to take up a role of being a confidante for his mother.

Mothers aren't particularly averse to her youngest son being close to her esp. if she has already lost her husband. I have seen some examples. Some men are sometimes, in their Forties or Fifties even. Too comfortable to leave, I guess.
Yes thats very true, and that's what happened to my husband with his own mother. Their marriage was very unhappy and he became her 'surrogate' husband and its very unhealthy and dysfunctional. I made sure that that never happened when I was a single mum for 6 years. I didn't want my son(the oldest child) to feel as if he was the surrogate husband or father or that he was in anyway responsible for looking after me and his sisters(because he wasn't).
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Old 19th January 2014, 02:38 PM   #266
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Chosen, what happened in your first marriage. I wasn't aware that this was your second. Do you think you would be far less eager to divorce now because you are older had the same circumstances arose?
I would have to divorce if the same circumstances arose because of the reasons for it. I had been married for 23 years when I found out quite by chance, that my ex had been doing some terrible things and the police eventually became involved when I reported it a short time later. The day I found out I had to ask him to leave, which he did, and that was that. It was completely and totally devastating and so traumatic, but I couldn't see I had any choice. The few people I told later, including 2 pastors, agreed with me that I had no choice. I waited for 2 years and then divorced him. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to do it straight away, too busy trying to survive and keep my family going.

MY husbands marriage was never that happy, but he believes that when you have made promises you keep them, so he would never have ended the marriage. However she met another man at work after 23 years of marriage and divorced him anyway. She also cheated while the divorce was going through, so Biblically I do believe that he would have had reason to end it himself if she hadn't done.
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Old 19th January 2014, 02:52 PM   #267
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

[QUOTE=chosen;77958]I would have to divorce if the same circumstances arose because of the reasons for it. I had been married for 23 years when I found out quite by chance, that my ex had been doing some terrible things and the police eventually became involved when I reported it a short time later. The day I found out I had to ask him to leave, which he did, and that was that. It was completely and totally devastating and so traumatic, but I couldn't see I had any choice. The few people I told later, including 2 pastors, agreed with me that I had no choice. I waited for 2 years and then divorced him. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to do it straight away, too busy trying to survive and keep my family going.

MY husbands marriage was never that happy, but he believes that when you have made promises you keep them, so he would never have ended the marriage. However she met another man at work after 23 years of marriage and divorced him anyway. She also cheated while the divorce was going through, so Biblically I do believe that he would have had reason to end it himself if she hadn't done.[/QUOTE

As you mentioned before, biblically speaking, the only reason for divorce is sexual immorality. So what happened for you the first time around?

Another question I have is, why does the church allow people to remarry if the bible considers marrying a divorced person (other than by adultery) adultery as well? Not saying I agree with that, just wanted your perspective.
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Old 19th January 2014, 03:17 PM   #268
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

If you really look at what the bible says, even if i killed 20 people my wife wouldn't have grounds for divorce. Unless I was caught and put to death. Even then she couldn't remarry without committing adultery. Just saying..
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Old 19th January 2014, 04:03 PM   #269
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I think one needs wisdom as well. A wife cannot treat a murderer in the same way as a husband.

I think a woman or man can marry after desertion personally. It touches on this when it says if an unbeliever wants to leave let them. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.

On the other verses even the disciples found it hard. Jesus then said all men cannot accept this. It is given to whom it is given. People who know in their hearts what is God's best will never divorce but work on their marriages, but it seems that it is not a legal thing to hold over everyone. If it is not from one's own faith it is pointless.

I didn't pick up before that your wife had left five months ago Magneto. What reason did she give for this?
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Old 19th January 2014, 04:35 PM   #270
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I think one needs wisdom as well. A wife cannot treat a murderer in the same way as a husband.

I think a woman or man can marry after desertion personally. It touches on this when it says if an unbeliever wants to leave let them. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.

On the other verses even the disciples found it hard. Jesus then said all men cannot accept this. It is given to whom it is given. People who know in their hearts what is God's best will never divorce but work on their marriages, but it seems that it is not a legal thing to hold over everyone. If it is not from one's own faith it is pointless.

I didn't pick up before that your wife had left five months ago Magneto. What reason did she give for this?
intially we both agreed to not be together. she started having a change of heart, and i didn't. since i wouldn't commit to changing my mind or working things out she left.

on your first point...that's why i made that statement. wisdom should always be used. there are many other examples i could mention where a person would want a divorce, and using wisdom would make them understandable. even the adultery thing is hazy...according to the bible even the thought of lusting is the same as the physical. so technically probably 95% of marriages have a biblical cause for divorce.

Last edited by magneto; 19th January 2014 at 04:42 PM.
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