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Old 5th September 2012, 08:28 PM   #1
RedRiderRS
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Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

I am twenty-five years old and have been married since I was nineteen. My husband is the only man that I have ever been with. I've known him since I was fifteen.
My husband has also had anger managment issues, but it wasn't until we got married that it became directed towards me. He tells me loves me and that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, but as soon as we get into a spat, even if it's something that most people wouldn't give a second thought to, he lashes out me. Sometimes he calls me names or throws the things that he has done for me in my face in the midst of an argument. One time he slammed one of my guitars into the couch because we didn't leave as early as he wanted for our roadtrip.
I have alot of pets and, though he acts like he enjoys them when things are good between us, he uses them as fuel for his anger when we get into a fight.
He belittles who I am as a person, (I am very optimistic. Because of that, he says that I don't take anything seriously).
He is constantly on my case about my sarcastic humor, though he is the same way.
I've been sleeping on the couch for two summers because he hasn't yet replaced our bedroom's AC unit.
When we fight he won't talk to me even when I try to talk to him. He says that I never understand him and he can't talk to me in a nice manner because I don't "get it".
Looking back on our courtship, I can see a few warning signs that I wasn't mature enough to recognize at the time, but he never acted quite this rageful towards me in the past. Currently I can't even say that I am in love with him anymore. Really the only thing that makes me question leaving him is because he says he loves me and that he does let me have almost anything I want if we can afford it and I also fear that I would hurt him if I left. I don't WANT to hurt anybody, but I fear that staying is becoming quite emotionally unhealthy for me.
I want children in the near future, but I don't want them with my husband because I don't think that we are in a stable place. I feel that I should leave him before any children come into the picture to avoid hurting more people.
I would greatly appreciate anyone's insights, opinions, or quesitons for clarity.
Thank you!
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Old 5th September 2012, 08:55 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Dear RedR...

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are in such difficult position. You are in a deteriorating abusive marriage. First the rage is turned on things and then later you are the one who gets the abuse. I know what I am talking about, because I was in a marriage like that.

Usually after a blow-up things are good for awhile. There are apologies, I love yous, and gifts and special treatment. You live between the bad times and if you are very careful maybe it doesn't happen so often. Women who get into such a marriage usually start off from divorced family, or already broken childhood. Sometimes, that absent father figure means a woman has little concept of a really good guy. It also is true that one may not have good job training or lacks confidence to support oneself, so there are dependency issues.

You are right that birth control should be high on your list! God forbid a child is born into a violent household. He probably has cut you off from your family/friends. The pattern in such marriages is to isolate the woman and discourage any outlet for help she might have. He probably gets real angry and red faced if you confront any of these issues.

You need to nourish any link with family, friends you might have. Hopefully you might have job skills or can get some course work for future. When you have a job you can have a bit more personal power. Are you close to his family where their influence would help? I worked, took college classes, and got a Real Estate license to leave. I kept a bank acccount separate to have the means.

If he would agree to get anger management class that is helpful, but most will not admit there is a problem. Is alcohol the source of his courage? There are groups to help. Take one step at a time. It seems you already have made a decision and just lack the means.
You could be badly hurt in such a marriage. I was badly hurt and required hospitalization and many months to recover.

Does he have job problems or worry about unemployment that stresses him? Could this be situational? Does he turn his anger on th epets when he is angry with you? If so, you need to find new homes for your animals so no one can abuse them. That is more common than you realize.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2012 at 09:03 PM.
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Old 5th September 2012, 09:24 PM   #3
RedRiderRS
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Re: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

1aokgal...
Thank you for your reply.
My husband has not inflicted any physical abuse on me thus far, but he does get very angry and throw things, break things, or just shuts down for hours and sometimes days and not speak to me. He also says he's a good husband because of all the things he provides for me (house, a nice car, allows me to have pets....). He throws these things in my face when we're arguing, uses them against me.
He is obsessive about money. His main prioity in life is not ever having to ask anyone for help. Granted, that is a great goal, but not at the expense of getting angry at yourself. For example, he had a gift card for Best Buy that he forgot to tell me about and I went and bought movies from WalMart. He was so mad at himself for his "screw up". He said, "it was a little screw up this time, but I refuse to be slack and have something worse happen." I know he sounds like a good provider and he is! He is a very dedicated worker. But it's the sheer desperation concering the finances that bothers me. He has a good job and he makes decent money. But most of the time he acts like we're about to enter the poor house. But then there are times when I take the initiative to show concern about the finances and question certain items that we don't need. I ask him if we're okay financially to purchase, say, a t-shirt I want. Sometimes he'll just smile, shrug, and say, "I don't know. We'll be fine." He's consistently inconsistent, if that makes any sense.
He does not ever drink alcohol, but he has been on anti convulsants since he was two years old. My dad swears that the medications play into his irrational behavior and I am sure he is right.
We did just have a fight in which there was a misunderstanding between us. It could have been easily resolved with kindness and patience, but he flew off the handle at me and said that I never should have questioned him in the first place. He tells me that his reactions are due to my behavior and how I treat him or react to situations myself.
I do fear that I will hurt him if I leave and wonder if the marriage is faling because of me. When things are good, they're great. And since our last conflict he has been going out of his way to try and be loving. But I am simply unable to say that I am in love with him anymore. My tolerance for certain behaviors is worn down. Even if I don't do everything right all of the time, shouldn't I be able to expect him to still treat me with kindess?
I am working on getting employed. I am planning to work for a little while before I appraoch him about separation.
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Old 5th September 2012, 10:06 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Is it possible for him to see the doctor about his medication if there are any suspicions that it maybe making him like this?
Ifhe realises how unhappy you are, he may agree to go go anger managment.
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Old 6th September 2012, 01:47 AM   #5
1aokgal
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Re: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Dr. visit is sure called for and meds may need to be altered/changed. He sounds really bi-polar shifting from mood to mood easily. It is difficult to tip-toe around blowups. The money issues sounds like he drives himself and has fear of loss, or not measuring up to his own expectations. Times are hard and he may be really job insecure. He sounds like a mn who was raised in a harsh home perhaps with a father impossible to please. He expects a lot of himself and is very self critical. Tell him you appreciate his hard work. He may need to hear you think well of him.

Keep control on buying habits and cut extras.

You really need to get some employment ASAP as he is pulling the whole show. That is hard to do in todays' econemy. No children in the home and you need to get some job skillls. Any training/schooling interests you? Best time to direct yourself toward some goal. I think you doing that would relieve some pressure off your husband as he is worried and stressed. Not an excuse for his flying off handle at you with names or insults. Yet your income added would help.

The marriage is salvageable with some direct effort to let him know that you want to help and working together on any debt management. He provides well, but it sounds as this is taking a toll on his well being. The dynamics would change a lot with your cooperation to carry some responsibility there. He is providing for you and you are not a child, but a capable adult. He talks down to you like you are a pet poodle he keeps in bones! Earn his respect and pitch in and help him. I think you would find he would be less agitated, and not so demeaningto you, with your contribution to the home. He would be less stressed and appreciate your efforts. You would feel better about your own personal power and abilities.

My husband works terrible hard too. I could sit back and let him carry it all, but I began a biz years ago and now work from PC at home. I always worked except when kids were home. My work years mean we are better off today as two incomes gave a safety net if something happens. Stable work history secures retirement funds and a decent home if that is the goal. You are young and could make some career that you can accomplish and contribute.

There is 50% chance statistically of death or divorce in marriage. So I believe a woman should gain training and work toward a career goal. If you are in US you need to be funding your Social Security for the days when you are NOT young and there is no one to pay your bills. Especially, if you are unhappy, you need to set a plan to change what you can there. I really think if you were working your conflicts over money and such issues would be less. Get a game plan about how you can change some dynamics and conflicts about money and what he is doing for you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th September 2012 at 04:13 AM.
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Old 6th September 2012, 01:00 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

What would he do if you left the room or house when he was like that RedRider? I think you are perfectly within your boundaries to do that and ought to write a No in the sand over it. If you let him know that you will do that everytime he is in a rage then that will speak much louder than nagging or arguing back. Arguing can be profitable sometimes but anger and rage are not productive. This will help him also to control his anger although he may be angry over it initially.

My wife used to do that at the beginning of our marriage. If I started shouting she was gone round the block. It was very frustrating that the object of my anger was gone but she stuck to her guns and I learned my lesson. I know that it is useless to shout these days. Ones point can be got across through reason patience and timing if necessary.
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Old 7th September 2012, 04:41 AM   #7
1aokgal
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Re: Husband Has Rage Issues- Should I Leave?

Time out is a great idea.
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