Flirty husband

[lilieme]

Hi all,
I'm new here.. I'm confused and I would like to ask for your opinions.
I've been married for 1 year. My husband is not a romantic type. He feels burden to buy me a bday present, or anniversary present. He said if I want anything just ask. He hates valentine's day. So I told him not to buy me any present at any occasion coz I want to be supportive.
Last month he got 1 month training from his workplace. In this intensive training he got teamed up with 2 woman. 1 already married (lets call her A) and the other is single (lets call her B). Our anniversary is two days ahead of B's birthday. One day before our 1st anniversary I read his message to A about preparing a small surprise and birthday present for B. I was dissapointed since I always knew that he said he feels burden of preparing any present or dinner at any of our occasion. But I didn't tell him anything.
At the day of our anniversary he must go to other city for a week with his training class. It's about 5hrs on bus, and he sits beside B, even though there r 30 people in his training class.

After a week he came home and I peak into his phone and I found this msg
B: I'm wet I cant sleep
Him: just try to sleep, tomorrow we'll do training activities in the sea though
B: I dont have any underwear and I havent brush my teeth
Him: do you want me to brush yours?
B: aww it won't be brushing teeth then. ok lets go to sleep. nice dream. lets meet in our dream. hugs
Him: nite

I ask him about the msg and he said that that was all a joke. their training class knew he was married and that's why they love to tease him with this girl. and also this girl like to flirt with any man, it's just the way she is.
I told him I dont like the girl but he said 'if you dont like her then i shouldnt like her either?'
I'm hurt with his answer. I know he didn't cheat on me. but their msg and so on makes me unhappy.
I told him I wasnt happy but he said that I'm too sensitive and don't have sense of humor.

since now he still friend with that girl. one day there is this msg:
B: hey A i miss u
Him: oh so u only miss A and not miss me?
B: I don't miss u. I only got horny of you
A: yeah I know it.

also there is another msg:
A: hey B dont you think he is sexy and handsome?
B: yeah.. you know what I'm delicious
him: how would I know if I don't try?
B: I like your statement. let's try me. if it's you I'm okay you don't need to be responsible after. I'll do anythin you ask
A: I'll book a room for you two. dont forget to took of your wedding ring before doing it
him: wow

and so on

Do you all think that I'm being too sensitive?
I do have a sense of humor and I think there are much other way to joke with another people's husband..
I think this is inappropriate for a woman to joke like that with a married man. what if she really meant to 'take' him but using a joking way? Am I too paranoid? please help me..

[chosen]

NO you are NOT being too sensitive or paranoid in ANYWAY. The way they are acting is appalling and he shouldnt be flirting with another woman. The messages are totally inappropriate and I have to wonder after only one year if he is even going to stay faithful. The way those women are acting is also appalling and the married one seems not to care that she is leading them on.I would be furious if my husband acted this way. The fact that he is organising a gift and celebration for her birthday and cant even be bothered about yours is also terrible. I have to wonder what sort of man that you married to be honest.

Is he usually a flirt?

He is playing with fire, and it seems from the texts that they are flirting sexually as well. This is why I am a great believer in strong boundaries with the opposite sex. Flirting in marriage, except with your spouse, is a no no, and sexual flirting is going even above that.

[Raymond]

I think it has gone way past how a married man should behave.

She is giving him the come on and he is not putting up any barriers about it, but is in fact leading her on.

I don't think he knows how to behave as a married man and is opening himself to temptation and possible adultery and that isn't funny.

You are certainly not paranoid.

[lilieme]

oh my.. thank you guys for your replies. when we were dating I don't know he is a flirty man. I've known him for 4 years before we got married. when I asked him about that he said just because we are married that he think flirting is okay because he is already mine and I don't have to worry. I don't think his logic is right. I said it's because we are married you have to respect me more. If we are still dating and I found out that you are flirting I still can break up with you, but now we're married it's not a simple thing for a divorce. But he won't listen. He said he's not going to stop do the flirt jokes and I have to trust him. Every time I brought this up he only said 'you don't trust me and that's the problem. I don't want to discus this because your trust issue is the problem'

You know he usually a caring person. he always check on me whether I arrived safely when I went out or went home from work. The day at our very 1st anniversary, when he sat with that girl in the bus to other city, he didn't even bother to ask me if I got home safely. I didn't tell him that I got home safely because I wanted to know if he still care for me when he's with that girl and apparently not. he didn't ask at all and that was the first time he's like that. I was so sad.. it's just our first anniversary and he already busy with that girl. and a week later got home with that kind of msg in his phone..

yeah I hate the married woman also.. she support him to be with that girl even though my husband said it was all a joke..
what should I do. I love him so much and until now if I don't bring that up our relationship is okay. But he continue to do the flirt and he honestly told me that he enjoyed such a flirt joke with those women.
I said I don't want you to be friend with her, she's not normal. he said he know that but he won't stop be friend with her. if their friendship can develop to a close friend then he would be bestfriend with her.
I was speechless...

[Forever]

The problem is not with the other women...the problem is HIM. He wants to act like he is still single when he knows darn well that he is not. A married man who loves his wife would NEVER think to do and say those things to another woman...he must be about 16 years old? He flat does not care what you think, feel, or need.

Turning the tables and saying that you have "trust issues" is a big fat heartless joke. What? Does he think that you are so gullable that you will go along with his reasonings? The trust issues are a direct result from HIS behavior...not something you manufactured in your head.

Do not...I repeat DO NOT get pregnant with this man. You are going to end up divorced soon because he has an unfaithful heart and is making light of that fact. It is only a matter of time and opportunity that he will start bedding down other women and then when he gets caught, will say that you drove him to it with all of your insecurities.

Sorry if you love him...but we dont, so that means we can easily see what he is doing to you without the cloud of emotions coming into play. Your marriage will soon be history and you will be back here within two years maximum for suport to help you to get through it. His attitudes and behaviors are absolutely disgusting, and WAY over the top!!! I cannot believe he can be so callous and downright evil to his own wife! This man is all about himself...offering nothing that is really important to you.

I would tell you to cut your losses and get the heck out of that marriage NOW...but I know you dont have the heart to do that YET. You WILL, after he has drug you through every knot hole there is and left you with no dignity, sanity or sense of your own value as a woman. So sorry.

[chosen]

Its not about your trust issues. He is not acting in a way that anyone would trust him. I definately would not trust this man at all. I agree with forever I cant see this marriage lasting if he is acting like that and thinking like that. You have only just got married and he is treating you so badly. He is not treating you with love or respect, and doesnt seem to care about your feelings ast all. He seems very immature, and he also seems to have very low moral values.
As forever said, dont have children at this time. THis man isnt to be trusted and he is the last person that you would want to be a father to your children surely.

[lilieme]

Actually he is 29 and I'm 28.
Yes my heart is really aching. I can't believe he could be like this.
The recent msg is, that girl told him that her friend said that he is handsome. then she replied to her friend that she wants him but he already has a wife.
What's the point of telling him this?
The latest msg was, she asked this to my husband 'if you are single is it possible for you to like me?'
and he just answered 'I need to know someone deeply before I can fall in love with her'

And yes I'm not ready to ask for a divorce now because my mother has a problem recently back at home and I don't want her to worry about me.

Thank you all for your replies and I really appreciate it. I guess I really need someone to talk to right now and I can't talk to anyone here without making things big. If I would get separated from him I don't plan to make it big among our friends before, so you guys are really helping with talking to me right now

[Forever]

I was not serious when I said he must be 16 years old...I was meaning that is how he acts and thinks.
If you are strong enough to tolerate him until it is convenient for YOU to decide what and when the best thing for you to do is, then I hope you can endure it long enough to manage YOUR plans...your so called "husband" is certainly persuing plans of his own isn't he? This is NOT how marriage works. OMG do you realize what you are going to have to do to maintain your sanity there? You simply CANNOT live your life snooping and checking up on him daily...and confronting him with what you find. This will cause so much havoc that the fights will get brutal and he will likely be the one to leave long BEFORE you are ready to make YOUR own transition...or you will grow to HATE him enough to shoot him before long...(not worth it).

Dont be shocked by our opinions and responses...we see this all the time here, but cannot help anyone until they understand how terribly wrong and destructive it is for him to act like that...and what the results will be. At his age, he MUST KNOW better since he is not really 16 years old...and honestly, do you really think most 16 year olds would believe that it is okay to act like him even if they "only" just had a girlfriend...let alone if they were MARRIED?! If a 16 year old found out that one of their parents were behaving this way, they would be horrified and disgusted...absolutely...I am certain that even a 7 year old would be!

He has ZERO respect for you and is running off of his big fat ego...playing with your heart and boosting himself up. He says "dont worry, I already belong to you"? Well then, what the heck is he doing acting like he belongs to NO ONE? What part of him actually DOES belong to you when he is so willing to destroy your heart and mind this way? My my, what a piece of work he is!

Just be careful NOT to get pregnant! You will end up having to share that child with him after the divorce...and having to have contact with him to exchange the child for visitation rights will hurt you even more and prevent you from having a full life of your own moving forward. As a matter of fact, if you ever decided that you wanted to leave and go back home...even to another area far away from him, you will NOT be able to do that because it wont be legal...because with having a child, comes his "parental rights" to have easy access to it.

No sweetie, you are not paranoid at all...but as long as you stay with him, you would be better off staying totally IGNORANT of what he is doing and saying to other women so you dont lose your mind and end up doing "something" terrible to him that you will regret. Sorry you love him.

[lilieme]

hahaha I'm sorry I thought you were serious asking about his age.
I feel a lot better after telling about this in here..
Reading all of your replies made think that it's far easier to curse those women than to admit that I've married the wrong person. If 4 years are not enough to know someone then how long should it take for me not to choose the wrong one?
i feel tired..

[Raymond]

He was probably on his best behaviour when dating. I've seen the pattern before with a friend of mine who married a moslem. Very romantic whilst dating. As soon as they were married things changed fast. He came home with lipstick on him and thought she should be proud of him. Needless to say her life was ruined although we are trying to help her.

Not to say your situation is exactly the same it's not, but it does appear he covered this side of himself until he had you in the bag so to speak. Maybe he likes the conquest. Who knows. He already has you but it seems he has an ego that needs to be satisfied with other conquests.

Forever is right. This thing will only get worse. It will not stand still but will develop if it is not checked. You might get to that place where you will have to stand up and say "Them or me. Choose."

You have trust issues for good reason. Don't let him kid you otherwise.

[Helen_uk]

You never really know a person until you have to live with them , so in the courting stage you have to trust your instincts . Sadly , some people are experts at covering up their true personalities .

That's not your fault lilieme , why would you have had reason to distrust him if he wasn't showing you his true self ?

I can only agree with what everyone here has said. I can foresee lots of heartache down the line if this can't be sorted now , and turning his behaviours onto you and making it all about YOUR trust issues is a really bad sign.

Time for you to lay down some boundaries of acceptable behaviour with the opposite sex for him, and if he won't have it........... I can't see a good outcome.

Helen

[lilieme]

@lost: do you have the same story with me?
I also think that I'm a fool and for sure i need to be wiser...

@Helen: thank you for comforting me It really means a lot especially when now i can only blame myself for not seeing this could happen. I mean how could I know? I feel like an idiot. And how could marriage and love only last for one year? it's really bad..

now it's really hurt but also hard to just ask for separation. I'd really like to work things out. i'm ready to forgive him if he just promise that he knew his fault and won't do it again. But unfortunately he himself didn't think that he did any mistake. that it's all in my mind. When I told him that the girl is not a good person seeing from the way she acted around men and around my husband, seeing from her texts, he stands in her side instead of agreeing with me. he said it's just the way she makes friend and I can't force someone to make friend like the way I make friend. can you believe it?

i feel like I'm stuck in here. But I think I have to hold on like Raymond said, wait and see how it will develop so at least I will have a very strong reason to ask for a separation, because I have a really good relationship with his family..

Originally Posted by lilieme

@lost: do you have the same story with me?
I also think that I'm a fool and for sure i need to be wiser...

i feel like I'm stuck in here. But I think I have to hold on like Raymond said, wait and see how it will develop so at least I will have a very strong reason to ask for a separation, because I have a really good relationship with his family..

lilieme

Mine had went on for years without my knowledge. Cheating / porn use / internet dating / office fling seem all too common amongst men. These men seem to think sex outside marriage is OK as it's only sex (not a commitment / emotional attachment). Women suffer so much in marriage where cheating is taking place. I became ill..and didn't know why and I blamed myself etc but my instinct was right and far more accurate.

It's not like I am an unattractive woman (but he made me feel like I was). He just wanted another "bad girl" in crime to have wild sex with. Some men (at times women) are never satisfied with one, I hate to say this.

Helen is right. You h sounds like unremourseful.
Your reaction is very common and not at all unusual. I did the same thing - over years in my case! These husbands probably sense (like an "animal") that their wives will stick with them as they're not independent enough. (Yes, they can be so calculating..they know their risks) Do you work? Do you have a set of friends who can support you through this?

Have a nice weekend.

[lilieme]

@lost: I'm so sorry to hear that. Mind if I ask you, are you still in your marriage now? or got separated already? Do you have children? I don't think I can be tough enough if I face your problem. my husband only flirt and prepare gift for this woman and I think I'm going crazy already
I work and since we don't have any kid yet, I think I'm okay if we get separated. I only think my family will face harder times because my hometown is a small town and people are mean enough to spread gossip and talk about people. If I ever get a divorce for only married for 1 year I will for sure hurt my mother more than myself and I love her so much.
But to continue live with him and someday see him cheat on me won't be good either. For now I really think I want to do something, I want to hurt him back the same way he hurt me and see if that will work and make him understand. I'm not unattractive either. When we're still dating he was so possesive because he was really afraid that other man would took me from him, but of course I'm faithful to him. And now he does this to me, he makes me really angry and it's hard to believe. It's like he fooled me, like raymond said he got me in the bag

[Forever]

Perhaps you should tell your mother about the details found in the texting and him preparing gifts for that OW... and then see if she would want you to stay with such a man?!! Does she not love you enough that she would to expect you to stay with him just because you live in a small town and other people would gossip?

No, your mother would not want you to suffer "for her" in this way would she? How can you be worried about gossip coming from people who do not know the truth??? Are those people having to live the hurt that you are feeling? Are they going to help you?