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6th July 2015, 12:53 PM
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#1576
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
I cant just let 20 years of my life just go without a fight it's just too important and I have done nothing wrong to deserve this, even she told me that I had done nothing wrong and the problems were all on her side, I need to have a good long think about what I need to do or where to go, regardless I need to bring this to a close some how because it can't carry on this way the tension and the pressure is just to much I really do worry that in some way it could be the death of me unless I get it sorted.
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The thing is that you will need to let go if she say she isnt coming back, and whether you have done anything to deserve it or not isnt the issue, its her decision that is the issue here and you can force her to come back sadly.
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6th July 2015, 01:46 PM
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#1577
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
The thing is that you will need to let go if she say she isnt coming back, and whether you have done anything to deserve it or not isnt the issue, its her decision that is the issue here and you can force her to come back sadly.
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Oh I know your right it's acceptance thing that is a big problem to me, my brain just can't seem to comprehend or process the reality of the situation it's almost as if I have a complete mental block about it, I wish I could accept it but I just can't, I am hoping that one day soon I will wake up and it will of happened and I will feel an inner calm and feeling of peace, this morning I have had more panic attacks and struggled to catch my breath, I went out for a walk to distract myself and also because it was wet and windy I thought it might freshen me up a bit and help my breathing, but I kept having to stop and at one point I even though I was going to pass out, it was a really horrible feeling, I am going to make another appointment at the Dr Because I just cant go on like this, I was there last week and all he did was up one of my meds, he didn't even listen to my chest, for all I know it could be something as simple as a chest infection, or I could be starting with asthma it could be something simple, it's fine just sitting there writing out prescriptions and wacking people on meds but what about real physical examinations ?.
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6th July 2015, 03:27 PM
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#1578
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
I cant just let 20 years of my life just go without a fight it's just too important and I have done nothing wrong to deserve this, even she told me that I had done nothing wrong and the problems were all on her side, I need to have a good long think about what I need to do or where to go, regardless I need to bring this to a close some how because it can't carry on this way the tension and the pressure is just to much I really do worry that in some way it could be the death of me unless I get it sorted.
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If you're going to fight you need to have a concrete plan. If you're going to fight you have to eat properly and take care of your health. If you're going to fight for your marriage you need to know when to stop fighting, as well--for your sake. There's a limit as to how much you can actually do.
When you have done all you can you have to have a plan of acceptance if it doesn't work out.
It's not enough to say you have or will have a plan. It can't be that difficult to meet her. You said she agreed to meet at one point. Just meet her and see how it goes.
Talking about change isn't enough. Changes must be made. It sounds like your health is depending on it.
Just jump in, Ralf. What do you have to lose?
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6th July 2015, 04:28 PM
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#1579
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
If you're going to fight you need to have a concrete plan. If you're going to fight you have to eat properly and take care of your health. If you're going to fight for your marriage you need to know when to stop fighting, as well--for your sake. There's a limit as to how much you can actually do.
When you have done all you can you have to have a plan of acceptance if it doesn't work out.
It's not enough to say you have or will have a plan. It can't be that difficult to meet her. You said she agreed to meet at one point. Just meet her and see how it goes.
Talking about change isn't enough. Changes must be made. It sounds like your health is depending on it.
Just jump in, Ralf. What do you have to lose?
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Hello dear LDT I don't know anything any more I feel totally damaged, I don't know whats going on any more either with me or with her, for all I know she could be living in a cave on Mars, I don't know where she is or what she's up to, one thing I am pretty certain is that she is probably as
f-cked up in her head as I am or maybe even more and I suspect a few things, don't forget it was her problems that started all this misery, I was ok I didn't have any problems she has created mine for me, my GP has told me that I am not now physically or mentally well enough to work and if I was employed by somebody else as opposed to being self employed then he would be signing me off sick indefinitely, but as I'm self employed so if I don't work I don't earn so I cant not work or cease functioning, I really just want it all to end, once again today I have had horrendous panic attacks out of no where but once again struggling to catch my breath which is horrible and frightening, there has to be an end game to this it cant just continue this way, either things will start to get easier or I will end up pushing up daisies, either way it has to end and soon, and I keep getting messages from strange women on plenty more fish, not the best name for a website, I really don't want a load of fish it's not hygienic sounding.
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6th July 2015, 06:22 PM
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#1580
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
Hello dear LDT I don't know anything any more I feel totally damaged, I don't know whats going on any more either with me or with her, for all I know she could be living in a cave on Mars, I don't know where she is or what she's up to, one thing I am pretty certain is that she is probably as
f-cked up in her head as I am or maybe even more and I suspect a few things, don't forget it was her problems that started all this misery, I was ok I didn't have any problems she has created mine for me, my GP has told me that I am not now physically or mentally well enough to work and if I was employed by somebody else as opposed to being self employed then he would be signing me off sick indefinitely, but as I'm self employed so if I don't work I don't earn so I cant not work or cease functioning, I really just want it all to end, once again today I have had horrendous panic attacks out of no where but once again struggling to catch my breath which is horrible and frightening, there has to be an end game to this it cant just continue this way, either things will start to get easier or I will end up pushing up daisies, either way it has to end and soon, and I keep getting messages from strange women on plenty more fish, not the best name for a website, I really don't want a load of fish it's not hygienic sounding.
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I'm sorry, Ralf. I know none of this is easy. I have had a tough few days, too, even though I know my sitch is hopeless.
I agree with Chosen here. You have to do something about your situation--you have to talk to WW in some way. Look what it's doing to your health.
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6th July 2015, 07:14 PM
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#1581
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Hey mate. Don't know if this will help or not but have you ever heard of the Stockdale paradox? Google it and have a read.
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6th July 2015, 07:23 PM
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#1582
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
I am pretty sure that the panic attacks started again when you began to have a little contact with her.
I still feel its your fear of her saying no that is making you worse, and stopping you from asking her once more. However you do need to ask her that simple question so that you know once and for all. You dont need to meet her if she refuses to do that. Until you know for sure(and I am pretty sure you do know) I cant see how this impass will stop.
I agree with your doctor, stress and anxiety does weird things to our bodies, and panic attacks and rapid heart beat are among them.
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6th July 2015, 07:35 PM
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#1583
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Hey mate. Don't know if this will help or not but have you ever heard of the Stockdale paradox? Google it and have a read.
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I googled it and liked it. Completely accept your current reality, but have faith that you will prevail in the end, no matter the difficulties.
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6th July 2015, 07:43 PM
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#1584
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
^^right on the money LDT.
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6th July 2015, 09:25 PM
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#1585
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Enough is enough I don't want any more days such as today, I was talking to someone and they suggested the tapping technique I had never heard of it before going to look in to it I cant carry on like this all help is welcomed.
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6th July 2015, 10:06 PM
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#1586
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
What's the tapping technique?
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7th July 2015, 09:59 AM
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#1587
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
What's the tapping technique?
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Google it mate it's another way of coping in stressful situations, another way is breathing excercises but I'm no good at them so need to find another way to help with coping, also managed to get another Dr appointment today and I'm not leaving until he has done something new for me, it's no good just writing out prescriptions it just masks the problems without actually solving the problems, I want the problem solved because I cant carry on like this, I had a lovely nights sleep ruined by being woken with a panic attack and breathlessness around 6-30 am I have had enough of it now it's really tiring me out and it's frightening too.
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7th July 2015, 10:33 AM
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#1588
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Ralf,
For me, it's so simple and it's exactly what Chosen said. You ask her straight up where you stand.
I actually wouldn't do it face to face because she will see how much you have physically and mentally deteriorated over the past few months and might actually feel guilty/sorry and not give you the truth. You don't want this, you want a straight up yes/no answer to is there any hope.
If she says no, then for your own mental health and physical well-being you need to at least accept her decision. Nothing is final until divorce - I think you need to train yourself to look at it that way.
Accepting her decision and having a mental funeral for her is one thing, actual divorce is another.
You may actually be surprised and find that if she does put you out of your misery, you will actually start feeling better about life. It's the whole not knowing where you stand/limbo situation that is killing you.
All of us are saying the same thing. You have battled for 1 whole year - enough is enough. You either trust us and do this or you will end up hospitalised.
NOBODY is worth putting yourself through what you are going through.
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7th July 2015, 01:35 PM
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#1589
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco
Ralf,
For me, it's so simple and it's exactly what Chosen said. You ask her straight up where you stand.
I actually wouldn't do it face to face because she will see how much you have physically and mentally deteriorated over the past few months and might actually feel guilty/sorry and not give you the truth. You don't want this, you want a straight up yes/no answer to is there any hope.
If she says no, then for your own mental health and physical well-being you need to at least accept her decision. Nothing is final until divorce - I think you need to train yourself to look at it that way.
Accepting her decision and having a mental funeral for her is one thing, actual divorce is another.
You may actually be surprised and find that if she does put you out of your misery, you will actually start feeling better about life. It's the whole not knowing where you stand/limbo situation that is killing you.
All of us are saying the same thing. You have battled for 1 whole year - enough is enough. You either trust us and do this or you will end up hospitalised.
NOBODY is worth putting yourself through what you are going through.
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Hello mate, I actually think that I'm my own worst enemy because I have become so obsessed and so sensitive about the whole thing that I am letting it all pile on top of me and drag me down, this is one of the reasons I am doing CBT in order to try to change the way I think, and I am also joining another 2 organisation's Anxiety UK & No Panic who can offer me a whole host of assistance so I am trying to do something about my situation and how it affects me I'm just not very good at doing things like this, my brain is a problem to me because it doesn't do what I want it to do, I want to accept what has happened and I want to be able to accept the rejection, it happens Ralf so deal with it, but my bloody stupid brain can't currently process or accept what has happened I wish it could, it's almost like an alien being in my body that is going against what I want it to do, believe me mate I really do want this all to be over and out of my way ASAP but I can't ask the big question by e-mail it has to be face to face because I need to see her body language and I need to be able to look in to her eyes, and the other thing is that by doing it bye-mail it would make it very easy on her to just hide behind a keyboard and she hasn't exactly made life easy for me with her actions, when I first learned to sell it was face to face eye to eye, whenever we next meet this will be the biggest sales opportunity in my life and I am going either close or lose the deal face to face eye to eye, but regardless of the outcome either way she will know that she has been Ralf'ed
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7th July 2015, 07:41 PM
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#1590
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
What's the tapping technique?
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http://tap-easy.com/eft-for-anxiety/
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