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Old 8th July 2015, 09:07 AM   #1
ralfgarnett
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One year on the sadness and the stress.

As you have all picked up on I have a memory regarding key dates in my life which can be nice but can also be negative and can make me my own worse enemy, well it was 365 days ago today since my wife came home and dropped the bomb on me so that will be a full one year apart tonight, 365 days of lonelinesss, sadness, confusion, pain and 365 nights sleeping alone in our bed, however the actual anniversary is July 9th which is Thursday so tomorrow, I am trying my very best to get through these days and when they are over it might even help me to start to draw a line under it with a view to maybe moving on and getting over it all, but dear friends as you can imagine me being me I am feeling very upset and apprehensive of ways to cope and to get through today and tomorrow, yes I have my meds, yes I have certain phone lines I can ring at times in order to help me through but I need a full package of care to get me through, you have all been so very kind and thoughtfull to me since I started posting last August but please dear friends I need as much help, assistance, care, support, and ideas to help me to get through the next 2 days of what is to me a significant yet very sad and distressing anniversary, I thank you all in advance for anything at all you feel you can contribute to help me get through.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 8th July 2015 at 11:43 AM.
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Old 8th July 2015, 12:35 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Hi Ralf,

Yes, a tough day but just like you did at Christmas, you'll get through it.

I would thoroughly recommend going of for dinner with a friend on both days if you can. If you can't, take this as an opportunity to break the cycle and take yourself out. Go to one of those fill your plate carvery places and have a pint. That's what I do sometimes. Will you have a great time?, no - but it's all about breaking the mould and learning to adapt and overcome. You can do that Ralf.

Have a nice hot bath, watch a film you like or your favourite tv program....train your brain to unwind. I really love the expression sink or swim. I know I've said it many times before but it's so true. It does often become a choice. You CAN choose to make these changes like the one I have just suggested and we have all suggested lots of really good ones over the years...you've just gotta make it happen.

I really hope you do make some of these changes.
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Old 8th July 2015, 01:16 PM   #3
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Hello mate thanks for replying, I like your ideas but sadly I think I have missed the boat for today I should of had a plan in place earlier this week but I felt really ill and I also think I wasn't trying to think about it, but there is always tomorrow, and while I might not make it to a carvery but there is a nice fish and chips place in town so I could go there I suppose, I am self employed so I think I might take Thursday PM and all day Friday out of the business it is after all my prerogative, and I could go for a pint afterwards the only thing that worries me though is what if I ended up trying to drown my sorrows I don't want to go down that road and tomorrow might be very emotional and the last thing I want to be doing is self medicating with alcohol, I haven't done it yet and I don't want to start now, a few beers at weekend is fair game but midweek afternoon is just not me, there are enough boozed up dead legs hanging around the town centre 7 days a week without me joining them, can you believe that a number of our town centre pubs open at 11-am every day for these people to get sloshed all day ?, I can just about afford to get out Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours and the occasional Saturday lunch for an hour or so, I don't know how they can afford to do it, it is things such as this that started making my wife very cynical about her clients, because she is CMHT she often suspected that a fair majority of her so called pschyci clients were putting it on so they could claim benefits and get access to free drugs basically, hows that for cynicism ?, oh I appear to have waffled just shows where my head is at the moment, anyway thanks again mate I will think over your idea for tomorrow.
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Old 8th July 2015, 03:50 PM   #4
Lindentree1
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

My advice would be to leave the house as much as you can the next two days. Go somewhere with a friend, go window shopping, go to dinner, see a movie. It's hard to be in the place where the bomb dropped. Do your best to get out of there. Take walks, etc. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but there is no reason to be cooped up in the house these few days. You will just feel worse if you do.

When you are home--distract yourself. Read, watch t.v., tool around on the computer. Try to keep your mind off what day it is. Perhaps you could find a recipe to cook and distract yourself that way.

So, when you can, get out of the house--no excuses. When you are home, distract yourself. Try to be around others as much as you can. This is all I can think of. You can get through these days, Ralf. You can.
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Old 8th July 2015, 04:23 PM   #5
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
My advice would be to leave the house as much as you can the next two days. Go somewhere with a friend, go window shopping, go to dinner, see a movie. It's hard to be in the place where the bomb dropped. Do your best to get out of there. Take walks, etc. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but there is no reason to be cooped up in the house these few days. You will just feel worse if you do.

When you are home--distract yourself. Read, watch t.v., tool around on the computer. Try to keep your mind off what day it is. Perhaps you could find a recipe to cook and distract yourself that way.

So, when you can, get out of the house--no excuses. When you are home, distract yourself. Try to be around others as much as you can. This is all I can think of. You can get through these days, Ralf. You can.
Thanks LDT as with ronnoco it's good advice and I appreciate it, the big problem is the day times because all my friends work out of town and are restricted to the amount of time they can spend out at lunchtime, so it looks like in the day time at least I will be alone, but that doesn't mean I can't go out for a walk though, our church is open tomorrow but I don't think that would be such a good idea tomorrow far too many memories in there, I do try my best to distract my self when on my own as you say flicking around on the internet, watching TV, reading a book, doing jobs round the house, and of course earning a living all at the same time, I just wish I could see my wife after agreeing to meet up I think she has become suspicious for some reason and isn't going to meet me any time soon, I don't know why she knows she can trust me in every respect she has even said it herself a number of times since we separated, I don't know whats going on in her head all I can assume is that she is in total denial and avoidance of this situation, I mean most of her gear is still here and she is making no moves to get them, this includes some very valuable jewellery she obviously knows she can trust me but I just find it all so very peculiar, but as you said about your husband they are not nearly the same people we married in fact we don't know these people.
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Old 8th July 2015, 04:34 PM   #6
Lindentree1
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Even if you eat out or see a movie alone, it would get you out of the house.
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Old 8th July 2015, 05:16 PM   #7
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Even if you eat out or see a movie alone, it would get you out of the house.
I'm not much of a cinema goer really, but I have kind of taken ronnocos advice and have ordered two different curries for myself, they will ne here very soon, one for today and I will save the other one for tomorrow, just a little treat for myself but at least I will be eating something, today all I have eaten is half a tin of orange segments with cream but that was this morning so I am starting to get peckish now, I never used to be like this I used to cook properly at least 5 or 6 times a week and part of me thinks that some of my recent health problems are linked somehow to how I don't cook like I used to, but as we all know it's not much fun cooking for one and eating alone but I need to really review this because I think it's doing me no good at all, I have done my on-line grocery shopping and made sure I ordered some nice fresh vegetables and fresh meat so come Friday I will be cooking fresh again.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 8th July 2015 at 06:20 PM.
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Old 8th July 2015, 06:24 PM   #8
notDoneYet
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Hi mate.

My advice? Use this anaversary for new beginnings. Sure, you can still think of your marriage with fondness but use the time to make changes. So what to do?

Take down the pictures.
Stop reading the emails.
Stop listening to the voice mails.
Pack waway her stuff
Get to the B&Q and buy some paint. Change the house up a bit.
Download and join a meet up. There is usually something for everyone.
Find a new hobby.
And all the stuff the other guys said.
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Old 8th July 2015, 07:33 PM   #9
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Hi mate good solid advice as ever, already got involved with the meet up thing and only today one of them closed down due to what seems a total lack of interest, that's life in a Northern Town for you, this kind of sums it all up really.

"The Salvation Army band played
And the children drunk lemonade
And the morning lasted all day, all day
And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day
Pushing the town away, oh


Ah hey ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town
Ah hey ma ma ma ma


They sat on the stoney ground
And he took a cigarette out
And everyone else came down to listen
He said in winter 1963
It felt like the world would freeze
With John F. Kennedy
And The Beatles


Yeah, yeah
Ah hey ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town
Hey ma ma ma ma
Ah hey ma ma ma
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
All the work shut down


The evening turned to rain
Watched the water roll down the drain
As we followed him down to the station
And though he never would wave goodbye
You could see it written in his eyes
As the train rolled out of sight...bye-bye


Ah hey ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town
Ah hey ma ma ma ma
Ah hey ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town


Ah hey ma ma ma ma
Ah hey ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
Ah hey ma ma ma ma
Take it easy on yourself
Ah hey ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey ma ma ma hey-y-yah
[Repeat to fade]"

Closing down early tonight, thanks everyone, anniversary day 2 of 2 tomorrow.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 8th July 2015 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 9th July 2015, 03:38 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

Just look at it as any other day ralf, it means nothing unless you allow it to. Its just a date in a diary.
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Old 9th July 2015, 09:51 AM   #11
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Just look at it as any other day ralf, it means nothing unless you allow it to. Its just a date in a diary.
It's a sad day for me chosen because at this precise time last year I knew nothing of my wife's problems and general unhappiness, and I also didn't know that our marriage of 17 years which I thought was mutually loved and cherished by both of us was about to almost drop dead in front of me out of no where, I still find it very hard to comprehend to this day I still just don't understand, yes we have talked it through, and yes she has told me her reasons but I'm still confused, hurt, and very very sad about it all as I think it should of all been so very different, she should of stayed and tried to work through her problems in order to save our marriage, she knows I would of supported her and been here for her for as long as and for whenever she needed, I told her that the evening it happened, we must of sat and talked for over 3 hours discussing various options and me trying to calm her down because she was in almost total meltdown and seemed to be having some kind of breakdown, even her mum rang me to say she was extremely worried about her and thought she was having a nervous breakdown.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 9th July 2015 at 09:59 AM.
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Old 9th July 2015, 10:25 AM   #12
ronnoco
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I think it should of all been so very different
You've got to get out of this denial.

I don't think my wife should have left me and broke up our family of 3 very young children. Like you, I don't think I did anything wrong but this stuff happens all the time. It will be happening to hundreds more like you today and the same tomorrow and the next and the next....that's why this forum is pretty much always bad news!

I know you think that this should never have happened to you but it has and you must accept that now. You don't have to accept that your marriage is over until divorce but at least accept that for whatever reason she has left, she isn't coming back and start the moving on process now.

People fall out of love all the time for many many different reasons that you won't ever understand. There's nothing you can do to bring her back and it's not your fault.

If you can't follow this advice, arrange the meet for this week and get closure. No stalling, got to be done before this week is out. Insist she meets you. If she wont, you need to call it a day my friend on the grounds of ensuring your own survival.

Trust me Ralf - this is the right thing to do for you.
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Old 9th July 2015, 11:01 AM   #13
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
You've got to get out of this denial.

I don't think my wife should have left me and broke up our family of 3 very young children. Like you, I don't think I did anything wrong but this stuff happens all the time. It will be happening to hundreds more like you today and the same tomorrow and the next and the next....that's why this forum is pretty much always bad news!

I know you think that this should never have happened to you but it has and you must accept that now. You don't have to accept that your marriage is over until divorce but at least accept that for whatever reason she has left, she isn't coming back and start the moving on process now.

People fall out of love all the time for many many different reasons that you won't ever understand. There's nothing you can do to bring her back and it's not your fault.

If you can't follow this advice, arrange the meet for this week and get closure. No stalling, got to be done before this week is out. Insist she meets you. If she wont, you need to call it a day my friend on the grounds of ensuring your own survival.

Trust me Ralf - this is the right thing to do for you.
Hi Ronnocco it is obvious that I am struggling to accept what has happened mainly because it came out of the blue still feels so surreal to me, oddly enough though both yesterday and even today I am feeling much calmer, maybe it has been the anticipation of this landmark that has been stressing me so much but now that it's here and I am dealing with it it's not as bad as I thought it would be, maybe in someway this could be a sort of beginning to accept the situation, I have asked her twice in the past month or so to name her place and time to meet up and I will be there but I have had no response whatsoever and I honestly think she is ignoring me whilst being in denial (the longest river in Africa) so I can't do any more than I have been doing, I cant force her to meet me so I am stuck, she might even be feeling so guilty that she just can't face me it is a possibility that I have only just thought of, I know of no reason why she can't / won't meet me after all we were still meeting a few times aweek until last December then suddenly without warning it stopped, I don't know why she has never told me, but she is going to have to face me sometime how else does she expect to get her stuff osmosis ?, I do remember her saying a rather strange thing to me around that time and it wnet something like this "I have such strong feelings for you that I can't be around you too much right now" never did quite figure that one out, I do think she is slightly fence sitting, and I also think she is on a mission the surpress or detox her feeling sfor me by forcing herself to do it, she can be that stubborn she would do something like that, I also think that her own mental health is not too good and she ha maybe been having problems with it, who knows what the future holds but I think after today I really need to drop the rope completely and do my best to try to forget about her, it's been a year and I cn't carry on like this as you rightly point out it could be the death of me, I have sought a lot of self help this week and I am going to start tapping in to those resources in order to get off my backside, cheers mate speak to you again soon.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 9th July 2015 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 9th July 2015, 08:05 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

So you set a date and time for this weekend, and then she will have to come back to you saying yes or no. If she says no, then you will have to accept that as her answer.
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Old 9th July 2015, 08:19 PM   #15
ralfgarnett
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Re: One year on the sadness and the stress.

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So you set a date and time for this weekend, and then she will have to come back to you saying yes or no. If she says no, then you will have to accept that as her answer.
I don't know if it's worth wasting my time in trying, I have tried already at least 2/3 times to arrange to meet up but to no avail, it makes me feel bad that I keep getting rebuked but she must have her reasons which of course I'm not privy too but what more can I do ?.
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