Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed - Page 108 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

chosen · 13th July 2015, 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

If only I could, I know people are all different but how long did it take you ?.

Well I knew that I could never have him back, but there will always be a deep sadness at what happened even 16 years later.
Once you ensure that you hear from her once more that she isnt coming back, I think it will help so much because you are still hoping that she will change her mind.
Just suggest a time and day for next weekend and see what she says. There will never be a 'right' time ralf believe me. She needs to be forced to face this and come clean about her plans for the future. Its hardy fair on her brother to live off him for ever.

ralfgarnett · 13th July 2015, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

Well I knew that I could never have him back, but there will always be a deep sadness at what happened even 16 years later.
Once you ensure that you hear from her once more that she isnt coming back, I think it will help so much because you are still hoping that she will change her mind.
Just suggest a time and day for next weekend and see what she says. There will never be a 'right' time ralf believe me. She needs to be forced to face this and come clean about her plans for the future. Its hardy fair on her brother to live off him for ever.

Hi DC I dont think she's living off him I think she is doing what she did here with me and splitting things with him, if so then she has basically swapped one life for a similar one, I do think he won't be overly pleased about it all and may see her as a hinderence, after he was widowed in 1999 he then set about bringing up the kids that were left behind without their mum and he did a great job under very difficult circumstances, but bit by bit they all grew up and left home leaving him alone in the family home, but bit by bit himself he cobbled a new life together for himself which he seemed to have got used to and even enjoyed, he had his football to play and watch, he had his local pub where he met his mates at weekends, and he worked 5.5 days a week very hard as a roofer, so I suspect that although he obviously loves his little sister he won't want her there indefinitely as she maybe crowding his independence, just a hunch but I think it might be the case, this then means she may have to get her own place and the cost of doing that will be a real culture shock and might even make her realise just how good she / we had it here, the mortgage here is very low and doesn't have long to run now before I own it .

ronnoco · 13th July 2015, 02:26 PM

In answer to your question, once I accepted that my wife didn't want to be with me and I got past that 'bargaining' stage of thinking we could eventually get back together or visualising or playing out different scenarios in my head, it took another year for me to reach true acceptance.

I remember looking in the mirror and just saying out loud "I don't love her her anymore'

You wont even start the process until you let go though and effectively have a funeral for her. I do understand how difficult that must be to do for you. In a way, the fact that there was someone else in the picture made it somewhat easier for me.

Plus, having 3 small children who depend on me 50% of the week forced me to suck it up and move on with my life.

notDoneYet · 13th July 2015, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronnoco

You wont even start the process until you let go though and effectively have a funeral for her. I do understand how difficult that must be to do for you. In a way, the fact that there was someone else in the picture made it somewhat easier for me.

Plus, having 3 small children who depend on me 50% of the week forced me to suck it up and move on with my life.

Hi ronnoco

Yes, when I read this part it resonated with me. Sure, in the beginning it was really hard but now I'm 9 months in and starting to feel I'm in control again. Like you say, having the OM makes it easier to let go and the Kids need their father.

chosen · 13th July 2015, 05:05 PM

I agree guys, no matter how devastated and shattered I was, I HAD to keep going for the childrens sakes as I was all they had.

ralfgarnett · 14th July 2015, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Hi ronnoco

Yes, when I read this part it resonated with me. Sure, in the beginning it was really hard but now I'm 9 months in and starting to feel I'm in control again. Like you say, having the OM makes it easier to let go and the Kids need their father.

Thankfully with us there has been no infidelity, had there been then all hell would of let loose because I would never tolerate that, personally I'm glad that we have had no slanging matches or arguments because although the situation has been very stressfull in so many ways for both us, by keeping calm we have maintained the peaceful side of our relationship that was prevelant throughout our 19 years, and I think the fact that during contact be that in person or in writing neither of us has said or done anything at all that we could regret or be ashamed of, and I think it is this combined with our previous track record of peace and respect that gives me some lingering hope that maybe one day, somehow, god willing we might be able to have some kind of relationship in the future, UKG gives me inspiration that when all seems hopeless there is a little glimmer of light out there in the darkness.

notDoneYet · 14th July 2015, 12:15 PM

Hi mate

I think the problem here is that because you hold onto that glimmer of hope (not a bad thing, hear me out) you are finding it impossible to move on. With the discussions we've had with you on this thread and the others you've posted up we all say the same things.

For me, I think it's time we all stop going back to that same point which is why she left. You seem to be incapable of getting past that point. No disrespect mate but the point is not why she left. The point is that she did leave. No amount of questioning or reminiscing or emails or meetings are ever going to give you a satisfactory answer. Now that you're over a year in you really need to move away from that question and start living again.

You say that perhaps one day in the future you may have a relationship with her again. But as I've said before, what are you going to do in the meantime? Just sit and wallow in misery? You can't do that. It'll kill you.

Both ronnoco and I have had our lives shattered. Trust me infidelity is by far the worst thing to ever happen in a M. But look at ronnoco. He's re built his life. He's a happy guy and he's paying it forward by coming here and trying to advise us all.

So please ralf. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Start living again.

ralfgarnett · 14th July 2015, 02:16 PM

"You say that perhaps one day in the future you may have a relationship with her again. But as I've said before, what are you going to do in the meantime? Just sit and wallow in misery? You can't do that. It'll kill you.

Both ronnoco and I have had our lives shattered. Trust me infidelity is by far the worst thing to ever happen in a M. But look at ronnoco. He's re built his life. He's a happy guy and he's paying it forward by coming here and trying to advise us all.

So please ralf. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Start living again".

Me and my mate were saying something similar Sunday afternoon, he is going through something similar as I may of mentioned previously, thing is we don't really know what we want to do and that's the problem I don't know what I want to do, he did actually say something to me though that made me think, he said to me "hey*****, do you remember 20 odd years ago when were in our late 20's early 30's ?, "yes" said I , "well do you remember how smart we all were in nice suits and smart shoes shirts and ties etc ?, well why don't we one Saturday soon get booted and suited as we used to, get in to town, have a few beers, go for a bite to eat, then maybe go on to some kind of club ?" I thought hey what a great idea so one weekend very soon that's is exactly what we are going to do and I'm quite looking forward to that.

notDoneYet · 14th July 2015, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

"You say that perhaps one day in the future you may have a relationship with her again. But as I've said before, what are you going to do in the meantime? Just sit and wallow in misery? You can't do that. It'll kill you.

Both ronnoco and I have had our lives shattered. Trust me infidelity is by far the worst thing to ever happen in a M. But look at ronnoco. He's re built his life. He's a happy guy and he's paying it forward by coming here and trying to advise us all.

So please ralf. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Start living again".

Me and my mate were saying something similar Sunday afternoon, he is going through something similar as I may of mentioned previously, thing is we don't really know what we want to do and that's the problem I don't know what I want to do, he did actually say something to me though that made me think, he said to me "hey*****, do you remember 20 odd years ago when were in our late 20's early 30's ?, "yes" said I , "well do you remember how smart we all were in nice suits and smart shoes shirts and ties etc ?, well why don't we one Saturday soon get booted and suited as we used to, get in to town, have a few beers, go for a bite to eat, then maybe go on to some kind of club ?" I thought hey what a great idea so one weekend very soon that's is exactly what we are going to do and I'm quite looking forward to that.

Now that's a good idea.

Lindentree1 · 14th July 2015, 03:38 PM

I like that idea, too, Ralf. You deserve to have some fun.

ralfgarnett · 14th July 2015, 04:14 PM

Also had my nurses appointment this morning, thankfully my BP is perfect again. nice looking nurse too we hit it off really well, around my age no rings on her fingers and I nearly chanced my arm and asked her out but though better of it, but I have lost nearly another stone since December, managed to see my proper GP this morning too ( better than the clown I have seen last couple of times, don't get me wrong nice bloke but gives the impression he is clock watching until retirement time) about my breathing and shortness of breath this past few weeks, he listened to my chest which thankfully is as clear as a bell (haven't smoked for nearly 20 years) and he gave me a good looking over and wants to take a full set of bloods just to make sure everything is working as it should, so that was positive other than just keep have prescriptions written out all the time, it's just too easy.

Lindentree1 · 14th July 2015, 05:03 PM

I think the break up of a marriage is shattering no matter how it came about. It's breaking promises, abandonment; it shakes you to your core. I still cry at night (sometimes) and I moved out 11 months ago.

ralfgarnett · 14th July 2015, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

I think the break up of a marriage is shattering no matter how it came about. It's breaking promises, abandonment; it shakes you to your core. I still cry at night (sometimes) and I moved out 11 months ago.

11 months is nothing LDT you were with WH 15 years ?, that is 15 years of nice experiences, love, trust, and in a way co-dependence there is nothing wrong with that it is all perfectly normal, I had 19 years, NDY 20, we can't just get over it like that, it's a big investment of love, trust, energy etc, and to have that thrown back in your face by these selfish heartless tw-ts hurts like f-ck there is nothing worse, those 3 b-stards treated us dreadfully so cry away my dear friend LDT along with me, I am holding your hand from across the pond ad passing you tissues, one day we will all turn the corner and they can all go and boil their heads, and if they ultimately fail, falter, and suffer then good it's the least they deserve.

notDoneYet · 14th July 2015, 07:36 PM

And yet, here we are allowing the WAS to dictate our lives still. Don't you see my point. And the point others have made? Lovingdad has dropped into my thread now and he basically says the same as me. Ok, I have a way to go before finally being free of this cr@p but I'll be ok. I'll be just fine. Focus on you. That means both you LDT and ralf. Sort you out. I've been saying this for a long time and trust me I'm not quite there yet but it's getting so much better. This will not be the defining moment of my life. I will not allow that to happen. No way is she going to continue to rule over me.

By focusing on me I can sleep at night. I eat like a horse now. I laugh and joke. People enjoy my company. And it has NOTHING to do with her.

You are important. Get together with you. Focus on you. You know it makes sense.

Lindentree1 · 14th July 2015, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

11 months is nothing LDT you were with WH 15 years ?, that is 15 years of nice experiences, love, trust, and in a way co-dependence there is nothing wrong with that it is all perfectly normal, I had 19 years, NDY 20, we can't just get over it like that, it's a big investment of love, trust, energy etc, and to have that thrown back in your face by these selfish heartless tw-ts hurts like f-ck there is nothing worse, those 3 b-stards treated us dreadfully so cry away my dear friend LDT along with me, I am holding your hand from across the pond ad passing you tissues, one day we will all turn the corner and they can all go and boil their heads, and if they ultimately fail, falter, and suffer then good it's the least they deserve.

Thanks Ralf. Believing that he was "thinking about" (he said) getting back together for four months really set me back. I should have never believed him. I should have looked at actions rather than words. I'm hurt, and angry at myself that I am still giving him the power to bother me. He emailed me a few days ago with the title "A path forward" and it really made me angry. He wants to settle our stuff with a mediator rather than lawyers. I told him I'd barely settled here and I'd get in touch when I was ready. I hate what he's done. I want to make this hard for him now. And I don't like that I've gotten to the point that I want to make anything hard for anyone. I have never been that person.