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Old 30th July 2015, 10:19 PM   #766
ronnoco
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Faith that success is possible along with confronting the unpalatable facts of the current situation – is also the formula that leads to success in the search for self-definition.
I think if this is fine for a one man quest like our good friend Ralf but not when there are children in the equation like there are for UKG.

I think where there are others to think about there ultimately comes a point where you need to ask yourself the question "where are we now and where are we going" rather than just mull along, week by week, month by month and what could become year by year.

I've never heard of anyone being apart for more than 6 months and getting back together and staying together. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just it's got to be rare. It's because so much has gone on emotional to both of those people. There have been points where UKG and Ralf have been completely and utterly in the gutter. I think the whole walking on egg shells and resentment for what you have done to me would factors would be far too much to overcome for most mortals.
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Old 1st August 2015, 04:06 PM   #767
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

.
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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
I think if this is fine for a one man quest like our good friend Ralf but not when there are children in the equation like there are for UKG.

I think where there are others to think about there ultimately comes a point where you need to ask yourself the question "where are we now and where are we going" rather than just mull along, week by week, month by month and what could become year by year.

I've never heard of anyone being apart for more than 6 months and getting back together and staying together. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just it's got to be rare. It's because so much has gone on emotional to both of those people. There have been points where UKG and Ralf have been completely and utterly in the gutter. I think the whole walking on egg shells and resentment for what you have done to me would factors would be far too much to overcome for most mortals.
I have a close circle of 7 or 8 really good friends these days, then there is the outer circle of friends of friends, one of those a nice lad a bit older than me was dumped by his wife over 20 years ago, he lost his confidence really badly, I remember one night well pre-WW we were all out in a local club and he took a shine to a very pretty girl, so me being me offered to chat her up for him, sadly for him she fell for me and I trapped off with her and she and I dated and had quite an intense relationship for about 6 months or so, but eventually it ran it's natural course and we parted. no big deal plenty more fish to fry at the time, but guess what ?, after all those years apart, after dating occasionally with other girls, he and his wife reconciled after 20 plus years and are still together to this day, so it can happen yes it's possibly rare but it happens.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 1st August 2015 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:32 AM   #768
ronnoco
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Yeah, it can happen but it is rare and it takes a special type of person to go back with someone, especially when you have had a long time apart and therefore dated and potential had relationships and sex with other people.

Also, like I said before, you'd always be worried about it happening again and deep down, I'm sure you'd hold some resentment for the hell that you had been through courtesy of that person.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:46 AM   #769
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

"Also, like I said before, you'd always be worried about it happening again and deep down, I'm sure you'd hold some resentment for the hell that you had been through courtesy of that person."

Hi mate, and this would be the very first thing to sort out, this would probably need marriage counselling to get past this, but if 2 people were committed enough to try again then it would be a small price to pay, I have thought about this frequently and I would be prepared to forgive and forget but I / we would need help to get past this without a shadow of doubt, but it takes 2 to tango doesn't it ?.

I also wouldn't be asking any questions about her private life over the past year, and neither would I expect her to ask me either.
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Old 4th August 2015, 09:49 AM   #770
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Sorry, I disagree.

I'd expect 100% transparency. If she's keeping secretes then she's not committed.
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Old 4th August 2015, 10:18 AM   #771
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Sorry, I disagree.

I'd expect 100% transparency. If she's keeping secretes then she's not committed.
And I disagree with you me old pal, the reason is simple, we wouldn't be keeping secrets, we would be keeping the personal details of our time apart as our own private business, I wouldn't want to know if she has slept with one bloke or had a full on gang bang with The Scots Dragoon Guards, and I wouldn't expect her to be asking me either, we would of been on a break, we would not of been a couple for the period of time that we had been apart, equally it would be neither of our business, it would be a fresh start, it would be day one all over, it is also pie in the sky, well well well as if by magic the postman knocks on the door and it's a large parcel from her, she is still at her brother's, she is still using her married name, and she appears to be going grey judging by the amount of grey hairs in there, maybe I should cut my losses and trade her in for a younger model.
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Old 4th August 2015, 10:28 AM   #772
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

This is where we agree to disagree.

There aren't any loopholes in marriage vows. You don't 'take a break'. You are either in or out. And if there is a chance of rebuilding the R how can that happen if the trust has been shattered? Nah, I don't think I could live with it being paranoid every time she's texting or out somewhere without me. Couldn't do it without the trust.
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Old 4th August 2015, 10:31 AM   #773
ronnoco
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Saying you'd be willing to forgive and forget is one thing, doing it is entirely different.

It's clear that you will always hope that you and your wife reconcile. That's fine, that's your choice and that's ok but why don't you just say that for now, you are going to draw a line under it it and say "I hope that one day, she comes back to me" BUT....start the moving on process and start that today with removing all her old stuff.

I know you're going to automatically think "I wish I could but it's not that easy" but really, it's just a choice. Surely you must agree that you can't just sit around feeling the way you are, day in, day out waiting? You've done a year and it's nearly killed you - how much longer?

It's fine to have hope - BUT you have to find inner happiness and peace some other way.
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Old 4th August 2015, 10:51 AM   #774
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
This is where we agree to disagree.

There aren't any loopholes in marriage vows. You don't 'take a break'. You are either in or out. And if there is a chance of rebuilding the R how can that happen if the trust has been shattered? Nah, I don't think I could live with it being paranoid every time she's texting or out somewhere without me. Couldn't do it without the trust.
Ok you make some good points, but this is where the counselling comes in, you learn to re-build the trust, and your spot on about marriage vows, thing is she hasn't cheated on me, and I know that if we were fortunate again to reconcile then she would be as commited as she was before, so I wouldn't have trust issues in that respect, I think, hope.
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Old 4th August 2015, 11:02 AM   #775
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Saying you'd be willing to forgive and forget is one thing, doing it is entirely different.

It's clear that you will always hope that you and your wife reconcile. That's fine, that's your choice and that's ok but why don't you just say that for now, you are going to draw a line under it it and say "I hope that one day, she comes back to me" BUT....start the moving on process and start that today with removing all her old stuff.

I know you're going to automatically think "I wish I could but it's not that easy" but really, it's just a choice. Surely you must agree that you can't just sit around feeling the way you are, day in, day out waiting? You've done a year and it's nearly killed you - how much longer?

It's fine to have hope - BUT you have to find inner happiness and peace some other way.
I would truly love nothing more than to find inner happiness and peace in some way, I think in my own way I am slowly starting to draw a line under it the health thing aided that, but I think I must be giving the wrong impression because I'm not sitting around waiting, I am existing, I am working although slightly hindered at the moment, I am eating, I am sleeping, I get out now and then, but I am not waiting any more, waiting for what ?, someone I haven't seen since February, someone who has become so bitter and twisted I am not privy to her phone number, someone who couldn't offer even a modicum of support when her husband of 18 years asked her, I have said it before mate she is dead, she died July 2014, I am not waiting for a stranger, some kind of zombie creature, with a twisted mind and sense of responsibility, who would wait for that ?, if I saw the old version and we entered dialogue with a view to some kind of R then ok that person is worth my time, but not this callous, scum bag, b-tch she can get stuffed.
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Old 4th August 2015, 01:21 PM   #776
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
And I disagree with you me old pal, the reason is simple, we wouldn't be keeping secrets, we would be keeping the personal details of our time apart as our own private business, I wouldn't want to know if she has slept with one bloke or had a full on gang bang with The Scots Dragoon Guards, and I wouldn't expect her to be asking me either, we would of been on a break, we would not of been a couple for the period of time that we had been apart, equally it would be neither of our business, it would be a fresh start, it would be day one all over, it is also pie in the sky, well well well as if by magic the postman knocks on the door and it's a large parcel from her, she is still at her brother's, she is still using her married name, and she appears to be going grey judging by the amount of grey hairs in there, maybe I should cut my losses and trade her in for a younger model.
Its is each other business because you are still married. I think that there needs to be complete openness and honestly in marriage. Are you honestly saying that if she has had sex with another man you wouldnt want to know???
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Old 4th August 2015, 01:30 PM   #777
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Its is each other business because you are still married. I think that there needs to be complete openness and honestly in marriage. Are you honestly saying that if she has had sex with another man you wouldnt want to know???
I don't know it's a tricky one, if we were fortunate to reconcile one day then I am not sure as it could ruin the whole potential re-union, I agree about honesty that is my mantra also, I think we would have to cross that bridge if it ever presents itself, all I do know is the both she and I did not have sex with anyone apart each between May 1995-July 2014 and the beyond, but as you have said yourself I have no idea what she is doing but neither does she, maybe ignorance is bliss but right now if I thought she was sleeping with someone else it would make me feel sick to the pit of my stomach, BUT, it would certainly change my views about her possibly for the better possibly for the worse depending on how you perceive it, I think I would be more like NDY than the weak watery me right now.
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Old 4th August 2015, 01:38 PM   #778
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

You say you think you must be giving off the wrong impression - not really, it's just listening to you say things like this yesterday : -

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I just wish I could heed my own advice been awake since 6am fretting and crying again about something that happened over a year ago, what the hell is wrong with me ?, I have tried so many different things with more to come yet I feel stuck in the past, I long to hold her in my arms and to gaze in to her emerald eyes, I want to hold her hand and walk with her, I yearn for her lovely sweet smile and to know that smile is especially for me, I miss everything about her and our life together, oh and it's Monday and I hate Monday's, I just feel like going back to bed and pulling the duvet over my head and not coming out again.
THAT alone after 1 year is the sign of someone who NEEDS to make massive changes. If you still think like that after a year, something has got to give. It will either be you moving on or you breaking I suspect.

Last edited by ronnoco; 4th August 2015 at 03:08 PM.
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Old 4th August 2015, 04:02 PM   #779
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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You say you think you must be giving off the wrong impression - not really, it's just listening to you say things like this yesterday : -



THAT alone after 1 year is the sign of someone who NEEDS to make massive changes. If you still think like that after a year, something has got to give. It will either be you moving on or you breaking I suspect.
I think this has always been the case, but that's depression for you, my emotions are often all over the place, and that paragraph is exactly how I felt at that moment yesterday, for example as you may of read I shifted some of her stuff away this morning ?, ok it's sad but I dealt with it, one of the things I moved is a very attractive jewellery case that her granny passed down to her, I moved it on top of our book cases on the landing, well about 30 minutes or so I was sat on my computer at my desk when I heard this noise coming from the landing, it was the clockwork wind up music chimes from the box, I haven't heard that in years I forgot it even did it, but me moving it and putting it up there must of set off the mechanism or something, it was haunting but beautiful and it made me cry, I didn't ask for that, I did something that you 2 had advised as a positive move, but it knocked me backwards a bit, it was almost spooky but in a nice way, but it reminded me of her moving in nearly 19 years ago and her demonstrating it to me, and how happy we both were, I even remembered what we had for lunch that Saturday lunchtime, her dad had hired a van to help her to move her stuff, we got all the heavy big stuff in situe so I thought it would be a nice idea to let her acclimatise a bit in to her new home, so I nipped up to a local pub that still served food, it doesn't now but it did back then, I ordered tow steak Canadian muffins to take out but told the girl to take her time, so I had a quick pint and then collected our sandwiches and walked home slowly, I seem to remember I think she had been crying a she had left her childhood home in to our home, I gave her a kiss and a cuddle and told her I understand and everything will be ok, we had our butties and all was calm, next Morning we went shopping together for the first time, we went to ASDA, she got emotional again over spaghetti hoops, she wanted Heinz I said why not try the own brand ?, she filled up again I kissed her and we bought the Heinz, it didn't matter, I just wanted her to be happy, that's all I ever wanted for her, now nearly 19 years later we are almost strangers, I don't know why I just told this story one thing just led to the next I guess or maybe I was just venting, seems a long time ago now, where has all the obvious love, affection, and all the time gone ?, it almost seems like a lifetime now, what I wouldn't give to have those wonderful years back again, not to mention our marriage and many happy times.
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Old 4th August 2015, 04:20 PM   #780
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
You say you think you must be giving off the wrong impression - not really, it's just listening to you say things like this yesterday : -



THAT alone after 1 year is the sign of someone who NEEDS to make massive changes. If you still think like that after a year, something has got to give. It will either be you moving on or you breaking I suspect.
This resonated with me. I know I also need to make changes. Lately I have been upset because he's been contacting me about the D, and it's setting me back a bit. I need to move on, as well. I can't let this break me, and if I don't pull myself together some, that's exactly what will happen.
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