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Old 4th August 2015, 04:44 PM   #781
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Hi LDT I think perhaps we both need to make some changes I detect the sadness in your posts but also a desire to heal and I feel the same, but it's easier said than done, I mean it's all such a bloody mess where do you start ?, it's like the story of the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dike, my life is now so full of holes I don't have enough fingers to fill them with, what I mean is everything has s starting point, even the universe, as the universe got bigger the more problems it encountered, I think identifying a starting point is a good start, I need to think about this, any ideas anyone ?.
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Old 4th August 2015, 04:54 PM   #782
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi LDT I think perhaps we both need to make some changes I detect the sadness in your posts but also a desire to heal and I feel the same, but it's easier said than done, I mean it's all such a bloody mess where do you start ?, it's like the story of the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dike, my life is now so full of holes I don't have enough fingers to fill them with, what I mean is everything has s starting point, even the universe, as the universe got bigger the more problems it encountered, I think identifying a starting point is a good start, I need to think about this, any ideas anyone ?.
I think a good starting point is changing your surroundings as much as you are able. It was brought up today and was brought up some months ago. You can't move, so change your sheets and bedspread, put some new pictures up, rearrange the furniture, change up your bathroom. Make your place look different. It will feel like a fresh start. You don't have to spend a fortune but spend a bit to make the place truly your own. Even a coat of new paint if you can hire a painter. If you can't, there are still plenty of ways to change up your place. I think in the long run you would feel better.
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Old 4th August 2015, 05:17 PM   #783
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I think a good starting point is changing your surroundings as much as you are able. It was brought up today and was brought up some months ago. You can't move, so change your sheets and bedspread, put some new pictures up, rearrange the furniture, change up your bathroom. Make your place look different. It will feel like a fresh start. You don't have to spend a fortune but spend a bit to make the place truly your own. Even a coat of new paint if you can hire a painter. If you can't, there are still plenty of ways to change up your place. I think in the long run you would feel better.
Hi LDT grazzi for your reply, now you see that's something that doesn't really bother me too much as far as I know because I lived here for 2.5 years before I met her so me and this place are old mates / enemies, we have had some good times together before I met her but some bad times since, if these walls could talk pre WW it would make you blush, but no I am talking about the emotional impact caused by them, the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness, our other pal ronnoco is a problem solver maybe he could come up with a few ideas non property related, I will get round to changing the house in my own time, actuially it is quite different in many respects than this time last year, I remember her coming round one day and asking where is blah ? what have you done with blah ?, so she deffinitely noticed, she even rang me up nearly in tears when our old TV blew up, "such a shame she said, he was such a good old friend for so many years and never let us down" she said, welcome to the weirdy world of the WS.
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Old 4th August 2015, 05:29 PM   #784
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Hi LDT grazzi for your reply, now you see that's something that doesn't really bother me too much as far as I know because I lived here for 2.5 years before I met her so me and this place are old mates / enemies, we have had some good times together before I met her but some bad times since, if these walls could talk pre WW it would make you blush, but no I am talking about the emotional impact caused by them, the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness, our other pal ronnoco is a problem solver maybe he could come up with a few ideas non property related, I will get round to changing the house in my own time, actuially it is quite different in many respects than this time last year, I remember her coming round one day and asking where is blah ? what have you done with blah ?, so she deffinitely noticed, she even rang me up nearly in tears when our old TV blew up, "such a shame she said, he was such a good old friend for so many years and never let us down" she said, welcome to the weirdy world of the WS.
It was just an idea. I actually think I am a good problem solver, but anyway...
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Old 4th August 2015, 07:13 PM   #785
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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It was just an idea. I actually think I am a good problem solver, but anyway...
Yep me too, I have always been a good solver, a fixer of problems, a good clear thinker with a level head, this has mostly been for other people and different situations, but 12 months ago onwards when I was faced with the biggest puzzle and problem in my own life I have struggled and almost been a failure at resolving it, I don't like the fact that I cant resolve or equate what has / is exactly happening in my life, painting and decorating, new bedding, new sofas etc is fine, it gives a momentary boost maybe, but it's like medication it papers over the cracks and flaws, but it doesn't solve them, you can spend your way momentarily happy, you can gut your house top to bottom, you can lock things away in lofts and spare rooms, but it's not a cure, the hurt, the pain, the problems are in our hearts and minds not in our lofts and spare rooms or even in our credit cards, you can throw as many tins of emulsion at them, you can cram your space with huge big soft cushions, you can shift as much stuff around or even out of your space, but they are not addressing the problem, they are merely a distraction even a quick fix denial, as I said it's the same as medications, some people choose drugs or booze, but you wake up next day and no matter how many tablets you have taken, no matter how much booze or drugs someone takes, when you wake from your temporary escape the problem is still there staring at you for another day over your muesli, so what do we do about it ?.
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Old 4th August 2015, 07:22 PM   #786
Lindentree1
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Yep me too, I have always been a good solver, a fixer of problems, a good clear thinker with a level head, this has mostly been for other people and different situations, but 12 months ago onwards when I was faced with the biggest puzzle and problem in my own life I have struggled and almost been a failure at resolving it, I don't like the fact that I cant resolve or equate what has / is exactly happening in my life, painting and decorating, new bedding, new sofas etc is fine, it gives a momentary boost maybe, but it's like medication it papers over the cracks and flaws, but it doesn't solve them, you can spend your way momentarily happy, you can gut your house top to bottom, you can lock things away in lofts and spare rooms, but it's not a cure, the hurt, the pain, the problems are in our hearts and minds not in our lofts and spare rooms or even in our credit cards, you can throw as many tins of emulsion at them, you can cram your space with huge big soft cushions, you can shift as much stuff around or even out of your space, but they are not addressing the problem, they are merely a distraction even a quick fix denial, as I said it's the same as medications, some people choose drugs or booze, but you wake up next day and no matter how many tablets you have taken, no matter how much booze or drugs someone takes, when you wake from your temporary escape the problem is still there staring at you for another day over your muesli, so what do we do about it ?.
I get what you are saying but you asked for a place to start. I think that's a good place. It's okay to disagree with me, though, and hopefully others will have some ideas. I just don't think you are ready to make that place your own again. It feels final to you, perhaps. If you are not ready at this time to make those kind of changes, it's okay.
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Old 4th August 2015, 07:30 PM   #787
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Hey LDT I'm not falling out with you good grief that will never happen, I'm not going against you we are pals or at least I hope we are, I just look at things a different way that's all, to me heart ache doesn't mean a tin of paint, or simply denying something by moving it and locking it away somewhere, because it is still there, what I am looking for is root cures to our problems, that doesn't happen by locking things away or throwing money at it.
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Old 4th August 2015, 07:35 PM   #788
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hey LDT I'm not falling out with you good grief that will never happen, I'm not going against you we are pals or at least I hope we are, I just look at things a different way that's all, to me heart ache doesn't mean a tin of paint, or simply denying something by moving it and locking it away somewhere, because it is still there, what I am looking for is root cures to our problems, that doesn't happen by locking things away or throwing money at it.
Oh, no, we're pals. I'm not falling out with you.
I just meant we don't have to agree on everything.

I think you're making a good start to find solutions by the mindfulness class you are taking, and the solution-based psychology you study. You're getting there, Ralf. Even though you have hard days (as do I) you are definitely sounding stronger.
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Old 4th August 2015, 07:47 PM   #789
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Oh, no, we're pals. I'm not falling out with you.
I just meant we don't have to agree on everything.

I think you're making a good start to find solutions by the mindfulness class you are taking, and the solution-based psychology you study. You're getting there, Ralf. Even though you have hard days (as do I) you are definitely sounding stronger.
Thanks LDT I don't feel any better hence my recent posts. I am trying but this where I feel as though I am failing because nothing seems to make much impact, I can relate to you very much, I think it was you who initially introduced yourself to me saying something similar many months ago now, don't get me wrong I feel very deeply for NDY and ronnocco 2 great blokes of whom I have plenty of time for and both deserved better as we all did, but I feel a slightly extra special bond with you as I feel we are very much kindred spirits in what has happened, NDY and ronnocco where betrayed in the lowest way, we are slightly different as that didn't happen to us, we were plodding on then bam out of no where we got punched on the nose.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th August 2015 at 08:02 PM.
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Old 4th August 2015, 08:07 PM   #790
Lindentree1
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Thanks LDT I don't feel any better hence my recent posts. I am trying but this where I feel as though I am failing because nothing seems to make much impact, I can relate to you very much, I think it was you who initially introduced yourself to me saying something similar many months ago now, don't get me wrong I feel deeply for NDY and ronnocco but I feel an extra special bond with you as I feel we are very much kindred spirits in what has happened, NDY and ronnocco where betrayed in the lowest way, we are slightly different as that didn't happen to us, we were plodding on the bam out of no where we got punched on the nose.
We certainly have some things in common that way. I connected with your situation right away. I was reading your thread for months before I even joined the forum.

I think the most important thing for you is to take care of yourself now. That clot needs to dissolve and you need to feel better. There is time to strategize about other things. You'll get there. But you've got to feel better so you can tackle issues full force. I know I am always here across the pond wishing good things for you.
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Old 4th August 2015, 08:30 PM   #791
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
We certainly have some things in common that way. I connected with your situation right away. I was reading your thread for months before I even joined the forum.

I think the most important thing for you is to take care of yourself now. That clot needs to dissolve and you need to feel better. There is time to strategize about other things. You'll get there. But you've got to feel better so you can tackle issues full force. I know I am always here across the pond wishing good things for you.
Thanks LDT that's nice to know the pain of the clot and the swelling kills me sometimes, but good old Ralfy boy has currently 2 ways of looking at things, I have my less important business head that cut's straight through a problem and either seals the deal or solves the problem, then there is the side you all see on here, the multi problem solver, he who takes a shotgun approach and blasts his way at a problem trying to make everything ok at one go, but its tiring and pointless hence my trying to find an orderly approach to plugging all those metaphorical emotional holes that I mentioned earlier, I just want some peace of mind that's all I ask for now please god give my over active brain some peace.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 4th August 2015 at 08:44 PM.
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Old 5th August 2015, 08:51 AM   #792
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Morning ralf

Sometimes the solution to the puzzle isn't what you expect. The 'fix' isn't putting something back the way it was. The starting point isn't about the cosmetics, just the first step on the journey.

Peace
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Old 5th August 2015, 09:40 AM   #793
ralfgarnett
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Morning ralf

Sometimes the solution to the puzzle isn't what you expect. The 'fix' isn't putting something back the way it was. The starting point isn't about the cosmetics, just the first step on the journey.

Peace
Morning NDY, thanks for your reply, but I don't really know what you mean ?, I understand the puzzle bit and I have thought something similar.
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Old 5th August 2015, 10:45 AM   #794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I think identifying a starting point is a good start, I need to think about this, any ideas anyone ?.
I think the starting point can only be accepting the situation is what it is. That's the tough part - it's getting past that 'I can't believe this has happened to me/what did I do to deserve this/why did it happen' stage.

I found that particularly hard as like you, I truly believed I did nothing wrong and the truth is, like you, I probably didn't.

After a while, I realised it was out of my control and that there was nothing I could do to change it - I was defeated by my wife's actions and I had a choice of being miserable or moving on and rebuilding my life.

My situation was very different to yours but somehow you need to turn a corner or risk plunging further into despair. We've all worked out that you're not going to throw in the towel and that's ok - there are no rules and you may get back together one day - that could happen. But, if you're going to hold out for that, you clearly can't carry on as you are so one way or the other, you need to learn to become happy within and it probably all starts with what I first said and that is accepting the situation is what it is.

I can tell NDY has reached that acceptance. Once you accept it, the rest should all follow naturally. If you are always thinking 'I wish we were still together' then you are going to just go round and round in circles. Accept that you are not together anymore and start making new plans for your life.

If it turns out as it should, you will begin to regain your equilibrium and in time, feel so much better about things and in particular, life. I know the DVT is a pain but you can work around this. There's a guy in my village, ex army with one leg and he's such a vibrant character. Full of life and passion. The sort not to be beaten down by anything. He's in really good shape too.

Adapt and overcome Ralf...you can do it.

Lots of luck...
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Old 5th August 2015, 10:51 AM   #795
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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I was defeated by my wife's actions and I had a choice of being miserable or moving on and rebuilding my life.
I'm highlighting this for a reason. Actions is where the real motive is,not words. The message is in her actions and we all know what she's thinking with her actions. Heed Roncco's advice.
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