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Old 16th March 2009, 12:58 AM   #46
Hilary
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Re: My husband hates my family

Hi YM, I've just read your whole thread. You are doing so well. You will get some bad days along the way as you have found out. And some days you may well be down, grumpy or even as if you are going down with something. But just remember you are going in the right direction. And having a glass of wine and watching a TV program in the evening is an excellent way to wind down.

A question for you to think about - now that you chldren are in their teens, what do you want for the rest of your life? what is the meaning in life for you? What will be your purpose in life for once they have left home, and what are you passionate about other than your boys?

Don't expect to have instant answers - these are the big questions in life and should be mulled over. You might even change your mind about them as you grow and develop into your next stage of life. I used to find these questions helpful on my bad days. They would keep me focussed on the bigger picture when I was feeling generally negative about the day to day stuff.

Remember too, you can have a Big Hairy Audacious Goal for the future. Such goals might seem absolutely impossible, but let it draw you further. If you shoot for the stars you might not make it, but you'll get a lot further than if you just focus on what is on the inside of your front door.
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Old 16th March 2009, 02:27 AM   #47
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Hilary's a fantastic motivator - and I always follow her advice!

When you wrote about your husband acting grumpy today, it occurred to me that he might be feeling the effects of the new improved you!

Just imagine, if you've gone through your whole life acting like everything's a battle - and you have to fight to win at every turn - you may not like it very much (or even like yourself very much) but it's what you're used to.

Then, suddenly, someone starts treating you with dignity: not fighting or submitting, just treating you nicely as an equal. It's going to throw you off-beam for a while - you'll have to figure out this new scenario!

He may not have realised, yet, what's happening. Or maybe he just started to realise today

I'm not suggesting for a minute that you backtrack, Yoga! As you said - you're already helping yourself and your children Just as importantly, you're making it possible for your husband to discover new ways of interacting and to be the head of a happy family at last.

I wonder if he'll raise the topic with you?

Remember to treat yourself well

AG x
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Old 16th March 2009, 10:03 AM   #48
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks Hilary and AG for replying, it was so nice to read your posts this morning and know that people are here for me. I woke up still feeling down, with a sense of dread (don't really know how to describe it)

I feel ready for the day (sort of), the sun is shining and after reading your advice I'm going to plough on with everything I've been doing. I always cycle to work so will enjoy that in the sunshine and I really enjoy my job so I'll probably have a good day and be feeling better by the time I get home. Hopefully, H will be in a better mood by then as well and we can put the weekend behind us and move on.

Hilary, thanks for the advice, I'm not the sort of person who has ambitions in life, I'm happy as I am (without the grumpy husband, of course). That sounds terrible I guess but I will think about what I want from life. Apart from my boys, I love doing yoga (obviously) and keeping myself fit, travel. That's it really, not alot is it (and that's hobbies isn't it, not ambitions). My husband thinks I'm dull but I'm beginning to realise I'm not, it's him with the problems not me. After years of being told things like that, you do start to think you are dull, your self esteem goes right out the window.

Thanks for your advice, too, AG, you are always so helpful. I think H has realised something's changed in me, I am always cheerful, smiling, chatty (sometimes a bit forced like yesterday) and am definitely taking charge more. Perhaps he is getting used to the 'new' me which resulted in him being grumpy, I'm not sure.

I'll keep you posted on our progress.

Thanks, again,
YM
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Old 16th March 2009, 05:07 PM   #49
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks for posting, YM

I keep meaning to ask: Have you thought of joining an Al-anon group, like Dave did? It might help you get a handle on how your father's drinking has influenced your relationships.

Just an idea.
AG
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Old 17th March 2009, 12:41 PM   #50
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

It hadn't ever crossed my mind, AG. I've talked to my mum and sister and about it and even my dad abit but that's it. To be honest, it's not really something I feel I want to do, it could be helpful though. I talked to a counseller about it a couple of years ago and she was very helpful and supportive.

My sister and her partner find it irritating when my dad drinks because he gets argumentative, etc. They handle it better than I do with my husband because they can talk about it and her partner doesn't say anything horrible. For instance, her partner might say "your dad was quite hard work tonight" and then sister could reply "I know, he really got on my nerves". Whereas my husband didn't say a word for 15 years and then said he hates him. I always stand up for my dad because I don't like to hear what my H says about him.

I'll bear al non in mind for the future in case I change my mind.

Husband and I are back to where we were before our fallout over the weekend, communicating, house is happier again, still alot of work to do though. I feel better than yesterday too, I'm making sure I look after myself as said so often on this forum.

Have to get ready for work now even though I don't feel like it (been sitting in the garden in the sunshine).

Thanks, again.
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Old 17th March 2009, 02:00 PM   #51
Raymond
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Re: My husband hates my family

I think working on resisting the control is a lot to handle Yogamad and you are obviously making progress. There are signs of better things happening in your marriage with regard to that.

There are other problems as you have outlined on here but handling too much in one go may not be wise. You have to pace yourself and choose when you are ready to tackle the other problems if you can, although by the sound of it the problems seem to be in him and you may be limited to suggestion. If they are wise suggestions though he might be open.

Raymond
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Old 17th March 2009, 09:10 PM   #52
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks Raymond, I think I am making some progress, even if it is slow. I feel happier in myself knowing that I can have some control and feel up to dealing with the consequences now. Although H appears a bit more relaxed, he is also very distant at the same time. He is looking for a new motorbike and when telling me about it he could talk for hours, showing me all the pictures, gear, etc. I've listened quite patiently as at least it means he's talking but I don't understand why he can't even ask how my day was.

During our 17 yrs of marriage, I've left I think 4 times to stay with my parents because I couldn't handle the arguments. About a month ago, he said I was useless as a parent and picked me up off the floor and literally propelled me into another room. I told him that when the boys had left home I was going to leave and he said he didn't want me to stay anyway. I keep thinking he's distant because he expects me to leave at some point. What do you think?
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Old 18th March 2009, 12:07 AM   #53
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Quote:
Originally Posted by yogamad View Post
he said I was useless as a parent and picked me up off the floor and literally propelled me into another room.
YM, this is quite unpleasant bullying. I suspect he doesn't ask about your day because he doesn't care about your day ... I think you keep hoping he is not the man you married, but some other husband; a kinder & more considerate man.

The husband you have is the man who HIT you on an early date. (Because he was jealous?? Even if there were such things as reasons to hit your girlfriend - which there aren't - that wouldn't be one of them.) You went on to marry the same man that hit you, and now you wish he would care about your day.

I realise nobody is all bad. I understand that he probably means it when he says he would love a more relaxed & enjoyable life. I know exactly what it is to excuse your partner's shocking behaviour, and to keep believing things would be better ... if ... ...

Only a downtrodden girl would marry the man who hit her: a girl who learned early that she must take the blame for others' bad behaviour. If you've read my own story, you'll appreciate that I feel very close to you in some ways - and a million miles from you in others, because I have changed. I don't want to change you. I don't know you, and changing others is of no interest to me.

But I do want you to learn a few helpful strategies: strategies that normal people, from healthy families, learn naturally! Strategies, like taking charge of your own responses, that will set you up better for life. The fact that you cottoned on so quickly proves, if you needed proof, that there's an intelligent and proud woman in there somewhere. I hope you will continue to nurture this side of yourself, and to grow happier as a person.

I also hope your husband will respond as he can, if he chooses to. I hope the two of you will grow into a lovely old couple It will be his choice though. You can open the door for him, but you can't push him through it. There have been some encouraging signs. That's great - great for your sons, too.

Back to you. How did you become the girl who thinks it's OK for her boyfriend to hit her? The answer has to be in your childhood, and that's why I suggested Al-anon. With a temperamental, hard-drinking Dad, the odds are fairly short that it's connected. Simply to understand oneself is empowering: it doesn't have to lead to big changes unless you want them.

I wish you'd read some of the books we suggested. Even if you don't want to explore further (or not yet), I hope you will find out a little more about personal strength & confidence. You do yoga. Yoga goes beyond the body - does one of your teachers have any personal development recommendations for you?

I hope you'll keep posting. I care about how you're getting along!
AG

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 18th March 2009 at 12:16 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 18th March 2009, 10:18 AM   #54
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Hi AG, thanks for your comments and for caring, I really appreciate it.

I think you're right, it probably was my childhood. I'll try to explain. I remember my mum and dad being brilliant parents, who were always there for us. My dad and my mum were drinkers but I didn't realise this until I was in my late teens and then it wasn't a problem, they were just social drinkers, not at home or anything. There were no rows, no arguments at home, just loving parents. My mum worked Saturdays so my Dad took sister and I swimming, walks with the dog, cooked us lovely meals, he was great.

Looking back I had a great childhood until I started secondary school. I went to a really rough school in the middle of a big council estate. I lived in a village and travelled by coach so all other kids thought I was posh. I absolutely hated it, if my sister was ill I hated going on my own. I wanted to do well but with teachers running out crying, etc I didn't do as well as I could've. That's when my anorexia started. I left school and went to college and passed all exams well. Still had anorexia and spent time in and out of hospital so still made no friends.

Went to college three evenings a week for four years to get more exams which I passed with flying colours and started work. Gradually started to come out of my shell and get over anorexia. Then completely went off the rails, got tattoos, shoplifting, sleeping around, lost my job.

So you see when I met Husband, I couldn't believe it that he wanted to still see me after we'd slept together, we had dates, I'd never had a proper boyfriend before. I never thought anyone would want me, let alone marry me, I wanted to get married and have a family but doctors told me I'd probably never have kids because I'd only ever had a few periods when I was 13 and that was it. I had a boyfriend, friends for the first time and I felt normal, we went out as couples, etc. When he asked me to marry him I said yes immediately and I loved him to bits.

I tried to get pregant straight away (without telling him) because I never thought it would happen but it did after a year. He was very angry at first but came around. Things were great until we moved 40 miles away from home because of his job. I tried for another baby (also without telling him) and had ectopic pregnancy, lost one ovary and one tube, massive internal bleeding and nearly died. The next baby we conceived by accident because doctors said no chance of getting pregant now but I did and that's my youngest son.

Husband worked long hours (6 til midnight some days) so I could stay at home and bring our boys up. I was tired (without help from family) and he was tired so we did argue sometimes but always made up and we were a happy family most of the time.

H sold his business and we moved back to home town and bought our house outright. Things ok at first til fall out with my parents/sister and have steadily downhill from there to the point where we are now.

I sorry I've said much more than I was going to because once I started I couldn't stop. So quite a bit has happened in my life and that's why I love my boys so much because I was told so many times I'd never have any.

Feel very low today, especially after typing all that out, feel very tearful, like my life's been crap. Very unlike me but I'm going to ring work and tell them I'm not coming in today, feel very guilty about it but just don't feel up to it.

Thanks so much for listening
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Old 18th March 2009, 10:25 AM   #55
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Sorry, forgot to say about yoga. I go to a class once a week and teacher is great but, although she gives us individual attention regarding poses, we don't go much further than that. There are lots of different styles of yoga, some more spirtual than others. I do a lot on my own at home and get a lot out of it because it's quiet, soft music, candles, etc and spend a lot of time on my breathing.
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Old 18th March 2009, 02:25 PM   #56
Raymond
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Re: My husband hates my family

Going back to an ealier thread Yogamad your husband may be a bit paranoic about you saying you're leaving when the kids grow up. He says he doesn't care but probably does. I don't think it adds to the stability of the marriage to keep saying that as it brings an atmosphere with it. It would be a major thing if my wife ever said that. It would be awful. One would have all sorts of things come into their minds like divorce, selling the house etc.

You want him to open up and ask about your day etc. but maybe you are putting doubts in his mind whether you are going to be still there. If a man wants to put himself out he needs to know that the other side is going to work on it as well. Maybe he feels insecure. I don't know. Just a thought. Personally we never ever use the word divorce even at the worse times as it can make the wrong shock waves go through a marriage taking away the security that it should be.

I know there are a lot of problems on his side but there may also be things you can fix from your side.

Raymond
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Old 18th March 2009, 03:30 PM   #57
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks Raymond, I agree with you. We are both to blame for things that have gone wrong in our relationship, I admit I'm not the easiest of people to live with, I get depressed very easily and find it very hard to feel better again. When I said about leaving when boys were older, I didn't really mean it and I don't think H meant what he said either.

As I didn't go into work today, I have been doing a lot of reading and research on relationships and feel I have gained a lot and am going to put it into practice. I don't find it easy to communicate with H, I just clam up, it's stupid really, he can tell me how he feels, but I find it very hard. When H gets home tonight I'm going to spend time with him, just talking and feel if we can get some of the closeness back. It's his b'day next month and I've bought some motorcycle stuff already which I know he will love and I'm going to really spoil him and take him out for a meal. I am really trying at the moment, just little things, but some days I don't feel it's getting me anywhere. I really do believe that we can both be happy, we've been together a long time and for a lot of that time we've been very happy. Wish I could give him a big hug when he gets home but I can't face the rejection, as I'm feeling low at the moment it could be very destructive for me.
Thanks Raymond.
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Old 19th March 2009, 10:14 AM   #58
Raymond
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Re: My husband hates my family

Have you heard about the five languages of love Yogamad?

Each of us has a main love language and when we don't get this we feel a bit onloved. One may love somebody but it is not always perceived when we don't speak their love language so to speak.

The five things are Touch (hugs, cuddles etc.) Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time and Gifts (nothing expensive just the thought really). We commonly express love in our love language instead of the other persons.

My wifes main love language seems to be touch but that is exactly what she never got at the beginning. Coming from an orphan background I was not a very tactile person. When I learned this it made a tremendous difference. Hugs and touch are just one of the normal things now. This is not sex which is something else. Everyone likes sex or should do. I am talking about physical touch as affection.

I know that everybody loves all the love languages to a certain extent but some of the things will be a persons main love language, something that you cannot really leave out.

There is a book called The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman which goes into it all.

Raymond
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Old 19th March 2009, 10:43 AM   #59
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks Raymond, I looked yesterday on line at the five languages of love and found it very interesting. My husband used to love touch and needed a lot of hugs, kisses so it's funny now that it's me missing them. Also he likes gifts and I have to admit that apart from b'days/Christmas I've never really bought him that much. I would definitely say he is more caring in that way than me, would think nothing of buying me a little gift.

I think when our sons were born, they really became my life and I think I probably neglected H a bit without meaning too. I suppose I'm always so busy with work, boys, school, housework that I actually find it hard sometimes to fit time in for him but I'm trying to change this. Apart from husband's work he has nothing else to take up his time compared to me so he has more time for me (or used to).
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:16 PM   #60
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thank you so much for that long post, YM. I'm sorry it made you feel sad to write down the things that happened to you in the past - but am glad it prompted you to do some research!

As we've said so often in here, it often does take a personal crisis to trigger long-overdue changes in ourselves ... or perhaps our changes start to happen, and that triggers the crisis! Who knows? But with so much suffering in your past, and your amazing clarity on how it affected you, it surely is time for some more 'healing' in you. You're quite inspiring, you know

I really hope this evening goes well for you! Your positive & generous approach is lovely. Good luck!

AG xx
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