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Old 5th June 2014, 01:12 AM   #16
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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Doesn't help your playback though being reminded of it all the time. I think you need to learn how to stop yourself when you become conscious of it. If you truly have forgiven her and wiped the slate clean it should get a lot easier. Part of forgiveness is forgetting on purpose. Holding it over her will not help your marriage. Sounds unfair but we all make mistakes and will need forgiveness in order to restore relationship. Marriages are often broken beyond repair through adultery but if you both want to mend it it can be done through repentance first then forgiveness and forgetting. Nobody said it was easy.
I
I don't think you should work out her reactions according to what you would do. Everybody is different and react in different ways. She will be different to you as opposites attract. When the marriage is thriving you will find that you compliment each other. One of the secrets of marriage is loving how the other needs to be loved. We all have different love languages.
You are of course correct, we are all different re responses and she has said she is not goods with words and not the sort to pour out her heart. I do believe she is repentant but still feel she has got off to easy, I had a year of crap to deal with a terrible year and not so bad if I knew it was progressing , but to find out she was sleeping with another in that year makes me angry and that she should pay, she told me beginning of May so one month later I have to act as though nothing has happened. Very very difficult !!!
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Old 5th June 2014, 01:26 AM   #17
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

You have both said some very wise words, I take on board what you say about the ring, how strange we just had the engagement ring remodelled and she has it now( but again it may work in reverse as we ordered it while she was still sleeping with him) but when I have these thought I focus on the song you'll never walk alone by Gerry and the pacemakers ( see it on you tube) and it does help a little. I know I should not get angry but how can I not. I have mentioned about me, yes what I did was not good but she didn't care at that time and let it go on and on and on, which she would not have done if she cared. If I knew about her I would have stopped it dead in tracks. But I feel her crime is worse as she was making a go of it but was still with him. That is what still kills me. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no. She won't go to counselling, even 2 years ago when I suggested it she would not , feels she does not want to spill her life to strangers. I do love her and want it to work.
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Old 5th June 2014, 08:57 AM   #18
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

You both have to go on from where you are MN. Obviously you are having trouble forgiving and need to work through this. Forgiveness is about wiping the slate clean because they are sorry. Measuring your sin against hers is not helpful. Many who have done no wrong at all have learned to forgive where there is repentance or sorrow over it. In this case the success of your marriage depends on it. If you have bitterness it will surely find it's way to eat away at your marriage.

Once you have really forgiven you will not be holding it over her or bringing it up. That is what I mean by forgetting. It is true what Chosen says that you can't forget but in a sense you need to forget on purpose so that it doesn't keep playing back for the rest of your life. The memory can dim if you work at it. How can you be close or intimate with her if you keep feeding the memory? If the slate is wiped clean the writing is erased. Likewise she will need to forgive you for what you did if she hasn't already. That is the only way to save the marriage.
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Old 5th June 2014, 09:34 AM   #19
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

She may not want counseling but if you make it clear that you are struggling and need for you to both go to get help make this work, she will hopefully go. If she refuses(and that would be wrong in my view), go yourself.
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Old 5th June 2014, 11:33 AM   #20
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

this site is so good, and I take everything on board. I wish I could just snap my fingers and it goes away. She is in spain with her girlfriends (nothing sinister) and we just had words, that guy from facebook knows one of the frienfds and told the friend that he is out there too, so getting under her and my skin. She says he is a pratt. that did it, I said some things not great, didn't call him a pratt when you were having sex etc...this is payback time if he is getting to you. this is a bit of comeuppance. I know not a way to carry on to re build, but she keeps on that he is an idiot and a pratt, yet she was sleeping with him for 2 years and bet never called him that in bed.....I said you could have stopped it, one word to me, but didn't, so make your bed and lie in it!!!!! plus we used whats app last night, but I had to stop her....I was alone in bed, and I just thought when I was downstairs on the sofa, she was planning her next sex session with him on whats up where I was lying last night. I had to stop using it. it was terrible, that feeling.

I know in time it will ease, but how can even a counsellors stop me being so bitter and hurt over that last year. even though I still love her if I cant get through this, is there any hope as I might be bringing things up in months and years time.should I fight like I did last time to save (when she didn't, or cut my losses, do I need this, does she need this.

My father died end March, so with all this and that, and knowing she was talking to him then and maybe sleeping with him over the last few months, when my father was seeing out his last few months, just adds to everything
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Old 5th June 2014, 01:03 PM   #21
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

No it's not a way to carry on and build MN.

If you believe she is truly sorry do you want to rub her nose in it forever? That will not be a happy marriage. You have to decide if you are going to forgive or not and that means forgetting in the sense of not playing it back all the time. I know it's not fair. Not any fairer than when you went astray, but if you are going to rebuild you need to forgive. I know it is difficult for you but it will start with a decision first and then it can be worked towards. Without that you have nothing to build on really. The love needs to be restored, but it won't work until you forgive each other. Your part is to forgive her. Hers you.
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Old 5th June 2014, 07:31 PM   #22
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

I cant really understand at all why she has gone away with female friends without you at this time. Seems foolish to me in the circumstances. .
I do think that talking to someone else about it will help. I hope she will agree to go. There you can air your pain and hurt in safety, and get good advise on how to move forward.
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Old 6th June 2014, 04:20 PM   #23
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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I cant really understand at all why she has gone away with female friends without you at this time. Seems foolish to me in the circumstances. .
I do think that talking to someone else about it will help. I hope she will agree to go. There you can air your pain and hurt in safety, and get good advise on how to move forward.


may seem funny but don't mind at all that she went, thought maybe a bit of time apart might be good. As I said it will have been a month on sunday that she told me and we are closer than we have been for a while physically, yet when she found me out I had to wait a year!!. I cant help thinking that she has got off too easy. I know I shouldn't, I know it does not help anything!! but we had another bad txt session this morning. About the ring, we went to a guy to get her ring remodelled (sorry if I have repeated myself), in April, she was sleeping with him then, how can she do that, her ring, the engagement/wedding ring that she wants to wear, while she is sleeping with another, it just riled me this morning. I said surely conscience should have told you to tell me then we can get ring re done as a new start. although if she told me probably would not have got it done, so do I think she was mercenary in getting it, f..k you I want the ring etc.
This is impossible, I love her, want her, but stomach is doing knots when I think all that went on in that year. I said this morning that everything you said and did was a sham, not real, never meant anything, because you were having sex with him.


I made one decision, since she told me, we have become intimate, and it is amazing, I waited a year to touch her, so cant keep my hands off her, yet stop on occasions, as I have said, as I see him. But I said we have gone from 5miles and hour to 100 miles an hour, I said we have to slow down. I feel I want no physical contact for a while, but she probably wont mind, and would hurt me more. so I will just tone things down a bit. She sends txt messages with I love you, and I said don't say that, as up to 4 weeks ago, you had not mentioned it in over a year, all of a sudden you end txt messages with I love you, Not real again. I told her don't say anything you don't mean, but she could quite possibly say she means it and does not. Really don't know if I am flogging a dead horse really!, this marriage lark is so difficult when things go bad. she says because of the last two mornings she is having a crappy time there, secretly to my self GOOD! payback!!!... I want her as I said, maybe the crux of the matter is I want her to pay like I paid, then we would be more even, I feel it has been all one sided for a very long time.
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Old 8th June 2014, 08:27 PM   #24
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

As I said, let her know that you are struggling, and that counselling is a must for the good of the marriage.
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Old 10th June 2014, 07:04 PM   #25
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

You still talk about getting even MN instead of moving forward. It is still repentance (being sorry) then forgiveness (not holding grudges or trying to get even) and then the building of trust which will take time as mentioned. I wonder if you understand what forgiveness is. No marriage can survive without it. We can all hold grudges over the years but it will poison the marriage and rear it's head at the most inopportune time. Either divorce her or really mend the marriage. This halfway house could go on for years building destroying, building destroying.
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Old 11th June 2014, 12:26 PM   #26
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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You still talk about getting even MN instead of moving forward. It is still repentance (being sorry) then forgiveness (not holding grudges or trying to get even) and then the building of trust which will take time as mentioned. I wonder if you understand what forgiveness is. No marriage can survive without it. We can all hold grudges over the years but it will poison the marriage and rear it's head at the most inopportune time. Either divorce her or really mend the marriage. This halfway house could go on for years building destroying, building destroying.
you are , of course, 100% right. Last sunday was the lowest I have felt for ages, and was thinking of divorce, as more things occurred to me that I had to do in that year, sign a letter saying the holiday we took last year that I would never bring it up that she was going just to have a holiday, as it was to repair the marriage....and I signed it, but she was sleeping with him....that hurts, and there was more. She came back and we spoke on Monday night and had a clear the air, she was shocked I thought of divorce, but I don't think I am going to get anymore answers, WHY out of her, so either divorce or move on, and because I still love her, I am going to move on and see if we can make a go of it, but have told her she needs to show me that the last year, that I said to her was a sham, wasted, meant nothing, actually means something.
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Old 12th June 2014, 01:03 PM   #27
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

There is no doubt that you have a lot to forgive MN but it is the only way forward. It might help if you remind yourself that you cheated first.

Nevertheless as there has been repentance forgiveness needs to operate to restore the marriage.

What you have written is good but I still have reservations when you say you have told her that she needs to show you that the last year meant something. It sounds like you are putting conditions on the forgiveness which won't work. I am reminded of Shakespeare where it says "The quality of mercy is not strained it falleth like a drop of rain."

You can express the hope that the last year meant something to her but not as a condition for forgiveness. If you are going to do it you need to do it with an open hand and let it go and forget it as best you can, not bringing it up. She needs a clean slate to start again and so do you.

If you are not sure about it then you are free to divorce but it is one or the other in my view: true forgiveness with a view to restoring the trust or divorce. Only you know what you can do but half forgiveness, if there is such a thing, will not work.
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Old 23rd June 2014, 08:57 PM   #28
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

All of this advice is really commendable, BUT I think some of you are forgetting that men are "wired" differently than women are. The ego is a powerful thing and it causes people to think and behave "differently"....so to speak.

I think he needs to acknowledge his feelings, go thru his emotions, find a way to let it all out without physically hurting anyone.
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Old 24th June 2014, 08:43 AM   #29
chosen
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

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All of this advice is really commendable, BUT I think some of you are forgetting that men are "wired" differently than women are. The ego is a powerful thing and it causes people to think and behave "differently"....so to speak.

I think he needs to acknowledge his feelings, go thru his emotions, find a way to let it all out without physically hurting anyone.
Thats why I feel counselling would be a good idea. Somewhere to let it out and work through it.
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Old 2nd August 2014, 11:15 AM   #30
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

Firstly I would like to thank everyone for their advice through all this, it really is appreciated. I have not posted for a while but wanted to bring things up to speed. Libralady thank you, and your thoughts are really interesting from a womans point of view, as are the guys from their perspective. Things have moved on.

as you may recall he was posting on facebook little quotes about someone missing him, and true friends will come back to him etc, aimed at her, then trying to get to me, with quotes saying I saw your wife naked, you have not seen mine etc, which does hurt. Then he started saying things to friends of my wife, girlfriends, why was she, what was she doing, why did she block him off facebook. and it seemed like only a matter of time before he would spill the beans, and she was getting very upset over this constant threat of it coming out. I know this was comuppence in a way, but I love her and did not want to keep seeing it, so I was going to speak to him, but txt him instead, and we got into a bit of a slanging match, but instead of being careful because I was warned he was a bit volatile, I went for it. and think I shocked him. Since then it has been very quiet. and we are getting on very well.

BUT, and always a but. I have taken all your kind advice , most of it anyway, in trying to forgive and forget, in order to move forward, I have had less of the episodes where I blow a bit, as I want to stay calm. But it still hurts so much. I see the type of car he drives every other day, and when he is out of my mind for a bit, this brings him back again. What is worse, is when we have sex, I just think of him doing to her what I am doing, with everything else that occurs in an intimate relationship, and it goes right through me!!!! Also things come up that I did not think about but that no makes sense. She loved her private numberplate, but has not bothered to pester me to put it on her car, sure for 18 months she didn't want her plate on her car to be seen at hotels all over the place. So when I leave the house and see the car with the normal plate in it, I think of that occurring everyday of the week.

So finally, things are much better, we are enjoying life again until he does the nest thing which no doubt he will, but any advice on how I get over these thoughts, or do I just hope they fade in time.? I am still very hurt, and there are still times that I think if this goes on and on, how can I ever be truly happy with her. But we will see.. thanks for reading
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