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Old 28th February 2009, 03:57 PM   #1
yogamad
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My husband hates my family

This is all very complicated and the first signs were there when we first met but I ignored them as I loved him so much. His family has MBEs and CBEs, are doctors, dentists, lecturers, etc, live in a big house in a good area. He thinks my family are common, he says he dragged me out of the gutter, etc. When I say that this upsets me he says he's just joking and that I've got no sense of humour.

He tolerated them for years but about 5 years ago he stopped speaking to my parents and my sister and her partner. He has never seen my sister's children and calls them unkind names. I find all this very difficult as I have to go to christenings by myself and my sister is getting married next year which I will go too with our children but not him.

Although he thinks his family are well educated, he is still not interested in them either. He says his parents are too old and he gets bored seeing them. I, on the other hand, enjoy seeing my parents and my sister and I are twins so obviously get on very well. We fall out about this constantly (among other things) but if his family has a get together he expects me to go. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, when I don't his mum says I'm being petty which I probably am but I just feel it's unfair. Can anyone give me any advice on this?
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Old 28th February 2009, 06:57 PM   #2
JWD
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Re: My husband hates my family

Your partners family sound like my Husbands. I used to get quite intimidated by them although very nice. He sounds a bit of a snob and it's very selfish not to try to see your family.

Can you not just say that this is really becoming a problem for you and try compromise?
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Old 28th February 2009, 08:32 PM   #3
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

His parents aren't in the least bit snobby, nor are his brother and sisters, it's just him. I get on well with two of his sisters, but we don't see anything of his other brother or sister and their families.

We have tried to compromise over the years and he used to get on with them ok when we were first married. My parents have been good to us over the years, looking after our sons when I went to work and babysitting, whereas his parents aren't interested.

Things came to a head five years ago when my sister left her husband and I asked her to move in with us (without really asking him first which I now realise I should've done). Things were ok for a couple of months but he got fed up with her being there but before I could ask her if she could maybe move in with our parents, he said he hated her and wanted her out. He shouted really loudly so she heard it all. She really cried and I felt so bad that I sided with her and he's never really forgiven me for it. Also, I think he felt jealous because my sister and I get on so well and it''s something he feels he can't compete with. I've tried telling him that, as twins, we've got a close bond but it's something completely different to how I feel about him.

He then fell out with my parents when we went to a ceremony my son was involved in at school and I invited my parents and sister. They wanted to come but when I told him on the night he made me ring my sister and tell her she couldn't come. She said she wouldn't but my parents then rang and said how dare he tell my sister she couldn't come and who did he think he was. So after that he refused to speak to them as well.

I've tried counselling and trying to get him to just let them come to the house but it doesn't work. We just end up arguing so it's easier to see them at their house. It really gets me down because my parents miss seeing their grandsons as often as they'd like and if it's one of my sons birthdays they have to give me their present to pass on rather than give it to them themselves.

I can't see an end to it, I just try to make sure my boys are ok and that they still see my family and just get on and make the best of things. I feel very low sometimes but most times I try to get on with my life as best I can.

Thanks for your help.
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Old 2nd March 2009, 06:14 PM   #4
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Hello, Yogamad. There's more to it than this, isn't there?
Quote:
Originally Posted by yogamad View Post
I understand your situation as mine is a bit similar except that it's my husband who shows me no affection and is not interested in sex (can't be bothered with all that mess, as he put's it). We have not had sex for nearly a year and then gradually the hugs and kisses stopped too. The last time we kissed was at Christmas when I kissed him but he didn't really respond to be honest. I tried to kiss him this week but he just turned his head away.

I am soldiering on because I haven't got any choice (have two children together, financial reasons, etc) but it is soooo hard living with no affection.
You posted that in Flubber's thread, which is an interesting discussion of power imbalances in marriage.

As your husband - it seems - puts your family down, tries to separate you from them, humiliates you and your twin sister, rejects you sexually and ignores you emotionally ... he's a classic bully and you're a classic doormat.

I can't see how this miserable marriage will be helped by 'compromising' still further over the family issue.

Bullies respond to bullying. You might be able to achieve a re-balancing of power by pushing forcefully for your rights - preferably in front of his family, for support. It may not work but I can tell you he has no respect for you, so what's to lose by trying to regain some?

The thought that you're willing to bring up children in this environment scares me. They will grow up believing that adult relationships are all about control and contempt.

Is that what you want?

AG
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Old 2nd March 2009, 07:49 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: My husband hates my family

I think AG has a point Where control is operating, and it appears it is, you have to stand against it to break it. Usually male controllers use fear to control but there are reasonable things you should be allowed like having your family visit for instance. You need to be careful that he won't isolate you.

For this to work effectively you need to maintain your respect for him while resisting the control at the same time. Try and discern the difference in the sense of seeing what is unreasonable control and what are reasonable requests. Deep down he will know what is right and wrong so encourage the right but resist the control and don't get isolated as it could then get worse.

Raymond
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Old 3rd March 2009, 12:03 AM   #6
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks Raymond and AG. You are completely right, there's loads more to it than my first post, I wouldn't even know where to begin to put it into words. When I talked to a counsellor about it, I started right at the very beginning and talked for an hr non stop and she said it was like an autobiography.

He knows he's a bully and is controlling but says he wishes I would stand up to him more but I find it very hard because he straight away puts down what I've said. I don't like being thought of as a doormat but maybe I am. Having said that, even our mutual male friends have said they find it hard to make themselves heard with my husband in discussions, arguments, etc because he's so opinionated.

The one thing that always keeps me going is our wonderful boys who are doing really well at school, are confident, etc. They have seen their dad shout at me and put me down occasionally over the years but mostly it's when they're not there. They do know how I feel to a degree because I've discussed it with them (they are in their teens) and what they want most is for us to stay together as a family so that's what I'm trying to do.

Yesterday we went out for lunch together as a family and then my husband and I went to a concert in the evening and had a great time. He looked after me all evening, bought me drinks, drove there and back. The thing that was missing was that we never once touched each other, there's no hand holding or anything.

So, it might sound miserable (and it is sometimes) and other times I still enjoy his company. If I was miserable 24/7 then I would have to re-think I guess but it's not like that. It probably sounds very confusing and I suppose it is.

I will think about saying something about the family situation when I next see the in-laws but they are so not interested and would probably just brush it under the carpet. Meanwhile, my parents go on about it all the time which doesn't help either as I always feel very caught in the middle.

After the good time I had last night, I'm feeling a bit more positive about things today so I'll just have to see how things go. We've been together, by the way, 21 years, married for nearly 18 years and have been like this right from the start and here I am still talking about it!
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Old 3rd March 2009, 12:08 AM   #7
JWD
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Re: My husband hates my family

Well that's because you didn't know better. Enough is enough. You're not taking anymore and now you realise that you don't need to.

Stay strong and believe in yourself
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Old 3rd March 2009, 09:46 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: My husband hates my family

Some things are good for you Yogamad. It's not all bad aprt from this control and lack of physical affection. He says himself that he wishes you would stand up to him so don't put up with the control.

With regard to affection he can learn that. I had to. I didn't give physical touch enough at first, (apart from sex). I came from an orphaned background. I realised it was my wifes prime love language and had to learn it. There is no problem now. the book The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman may help you both in that.

Raymond
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Old 3rd March 2009, 09:02 PM   #9
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Hello again, Yogamad.

Something you surely know, but may have forgotten to practise, is "We are responsible for that which falls within our sphere of influence". In other words, you're not responsible for your husband's attitudes or actions - they're in his own sphere - but you are responsible for your own responses to him.

Whether this is what he means when he says he wishes you'd stand up to him, only he knows. The facts are that you're in an untenable situation and - since you cannot control him - your only possible course (other than leaving) is to radically alter your responses.

My personal tip is to treat the entire thing as a game.
If he tells you can't or mustn't do something: forget about reasoning. Laugh it off. And do it anyway.
If he rages: tell him sweetly where he can find you after his tantrum - use that word! - then go.
If he criticises you: just tell him nicely that you disagree - and leave it at that.
Here's some reading for you:-

Windy Dryden on Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy: (Google Books, with preview)
http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Y...m=12&ct=result

Lessons in Romance: (website)
http://romancelessons.blogspot.com/2...ps-of-all.html

Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?': (book; Amazon)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-...6109069&sr=1-1

Transactional Analysis: (wikipedia)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

Good luck
AG

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 4th March 2009 at 12:08 AM.
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Old 3rd March 2009, 09:04 PM   #10
JWD
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Re: My husband hates my family

oh yes, I'm practising my reactions to his actions. going to have a nosey at the links. cheers
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Old 3rd March 2009, 11:38 PM   #11
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks for all your comments, I found them very interesting. It's interesting that you say you're from an orphaned background Raymond because my husband was too. His parents adopted him from an orphanage and I think that a lot of his problems stem from not being wanted. He has told me that his family start from me, him and the boys and he wants to hold on to that more than anything because it means so much to him.

I have told him that by wanting me so much he is actually pushing me away. He is, as I've already said, very opinionated, the more dominant one of us, whereas I'm more shy and reserved. I know that gets on his nerves though and so I am trying to be more confident, be more in charge of things, but he does always seem to put me down before I've really got anywhere.

I've had a good day today, been thinking about our situation alot and really want to try to get things more back to how they were. The only negative he said to me today was that I have no sense of humour and don't get when he's joking. I told him that I can't tell when he's joking and when he's being serious because it sounds the same even though we've been together all this time. His put downs are quick, whereas I can only think of a really good response when it's hours later. I'm going to look at the links now - thanks for them.
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Old 4th March 2009, 01:38 AM   #12
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thank you for your post, Yogamad.

I don't want to interfere with your own thinking around your relationship with your husband, but I do have one more offering (just the one, I promise!!)

In your last few lines above, where you talk about not having his knack with a quick-fire put-down, it sounds very much as if you're trying to play by his rules.

Is there any reason why that should be so?

What happens if you make your own rules, for example "he does sarcastic, I do dignified"?
I am curious as to how he made you phone your sister that time - what happens if your rules say "he yells, I reply I'm sorry he feels that way"?

I'm looking forward to hearing your take on transactional analysis
AG
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Old 4th March 2009, 09:28 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: My husband hates my family

I think you are right YM that a lot of your husbands problems stem from not being wanted as a child. I think that still plays in his life. It is a rejection thing. Always looking for acceptance and never finding it. Even though you accept him somehow he can't receive it. It seems to me he is trying to get acceptance by putting others down. A competitive thing. It may make him feel better for the moment but there is no cure in that. The cure is wanting the best for the other and in a way forgetting yourself. This is a big subject. I will have to come back to it.

You have to be yourself YM whatever he says. We can improve ourselves but our basic temperment is what we were born with. You cannot be someone else, only yourself. He must love who you are and not try and change you.

Funny about his sense of humour. My wife has the same problem. She doesn't know when I am joking or serious. Is that an orphan thing? I am better than I was as things are not funny if she doesn't see it. I suppose one grew up with lots of kids and the type of humour just developed which others don't see. One has to adapt to whom they relate to and drop some things they can't see as funny. We are developing our own humour now which we share in.

Raymond
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Old 4th March 2009, 11:30 AM   #14
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Re: My husband hates my family

Hi Yoga,

I think having a look at the transactional analysis would really help here. I have been doing a Relate course recently following a break up and we covered it in one of the sessions (i am no expert). It really opened my eyes to my behaviour, my exes behaviour and our roles between each other within our relationship. It sounds from your posts as though you are both very committed to your relationship, and your immediate family so without being too forward i think you can afford to mix things up a bit here without too much chance of messing things up totally. AG's advice was brilliant!! In terms of ego states within the relationship it sounds as though you are permanently in a critical parent(him)/adjusted child(you) role. If you start to play with your role, his will have to change, even though he won't know what he is doing.

It took the shock of my wife leaving for me to start to reflect properly on myself and realise my faults and change them where i can. I hope your husband doesn't get to that point with you, but you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life in this way. You deserve love, respect, intimacy, companionship and support from your partner. Following on from his childhood he may well need some counseling especially as it seems to affect his relationship with his and your families. If he is non responsive when you speak about this, why not write him a letter and give it to him before spending a weekend at your sisters? Give him a chance to reflect on how you feel for a change.....

Good luck with your situation, you deserve better.

Dave
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Old 4th March 2009, 12:36 PM   #15
yogamad
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Re: My husband hates my family

Thanks for all your comments, I'm finding it really helpful and I'm really starting to think about everything that's going on between husband and me. I do deserve to be treated with respect and I'm starting to see that.

One thing I haven't mentioned so far is that he used to hit me when we first started going out together (due to jealousy - thought other men were looking at me all the time). When we got engaged he gradually stopped and he's never laid a finger on me since.

Another thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I was anorexic as a child and took an overdose when I was 19.

I mentioned these things because I think they have something to do with how things are now.

AG when you say how did he make me phone my sister, I did it because we were literally out the door on the way there and I didn't want to be late and spoil my son's evening (that's the main reason and also didn't want him to see mum and dad arguing when it was important to him). Even though he doesn't hit me any more, I still feel a bit scared, I know he won't hit me, it's not that, but he gets very aggressive towards me and I find it so hard to stand up to him. If he talks to me rationally, then I can talk to him about how I feel. We went to relate and the woman could see he got aggressive with me and told him to speak more quietly and calmly. I take on board what you've said and any other comments and help are gratefully received so please don't feel like you're interfering. I feel stronger in myself already just reading all your comments. I think I do try to be the person he wants to be instead of just being myself. I actually like myself, I think I'm a nice person, I've got great friends, I'm happy in myself, have a great job.

After we finished at relate husband had a breakdown and was put on anti depressants for depression and anxiety. That was nearly a year ago and that was when the lack of sex and affection started and he's never been the same since even though he's back and work and is a lot better now.

I mentioned my anorexia because, although I'm fine now and have been for a long time, I am quite childlike (as I think you mentioned Dave). Husband says I live in a bubble where everyone's happy and don't take on board everyday issues and problems. We also talked about this at relate and I have since taken on practically all the bills, etc at home. When H was ill, he spent about 6 months off work, he had just started a new job and just walked out so I had to manage all the money and I only work part time.

Sorry I've rambled on but there is so much to talk about (I've still got loads more to get off my chest). It will have to wait though because I need to get ready for work.

Thanks again.
YM
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