Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th May 2011, 10:52 AM   #331
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I can't believe that personally. I must be in that 5% and I know lots and lots of happy marriages. The way they go out together and go away together. This isn't only christians. I see it at work as well. While statistics may show something, we shouldn't let it rule or affect our personal lives. There are principles involved in having a happy marriage and I believe it is a gift of God to humanity. Of course things can go wrong and we see it on here, but if both are committed and faithful there is a pretty good chance that it will be a happy marriage.

Now who's thread are we messing up. Yours Steve. I am sure that you will not mind while you are out? I am glad that you are finding your feet as you seem to be.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2011, 11:18 AM   #332
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I wondered about the result as well.
Yes, I was also quite hit by the number, Chosen.

I'm sure there are lots of happy "enough" marriage where the couple may have problems which aren't too fatally unsolvable and both parties give and take and make sacrifices of different degrees, tolerate and make appropriate adjustment in order to accommodate each other's needs etc to keep it going forward.

I'm sure there are awful lot of good (enough) marriage where two people are very happy together but on the other hand, there are certain aspects in marriage where people may feel they had to give up what they used to take it for granted for the sake of marriage. Maybe, in that sense, these people are happy in their marriage and they wouldn't dream of leaving their partner in any minute. But it is a state of educated compromise as you love her or you love him.
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2011, 11:21 AM   #333
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Yes, Raymond.
Sorry, Steve for my post under a separate matter.
My sincere apologies.
Have a very nice day!
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2011, 10:39 AM   #334
stepgrah
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 191
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

HEy folks and no problem hi-jacking the thread :-) My wife and I are heading to mediation at the end of this month to resolve the financial split of our marriage. MY mum and dad called her last night and have invited her and the girls to go and stay with them during the summer break which is a good thing as well.

When she and I spoke about things again a couple of days ago, she is adamant that her job is what she intends to focus on as she gets reward from that which is a rel shame. She does not see the need to balance her life out and I felt so so bad for her. For me I need to house hunt now and start to position myself for that.

I still have no contact with my eldest daughter which is also very difficult to take and I took the opportunity the other day of writing her a letter which I hope she reads. The youngest and I I also think are feeling the pressure of all of this, so we need to get back to having some fun together.

I am still enjoying finding the "me" again and still enjoying friends and their support which is invaluable. Being in this house now I just hate as it really represents the failure of us as a couple to realise our dreams together.
stepgrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2011, 10:44 AM   #335
stepgrah
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 191
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

On another note just to loop back on the new lady in my life. You are right it is very easy to get caught up in the "being in love" bit when you have had years of very little. With her we have both had several discussions and we are dating each other and enjoying it for what it is.

She has said to me that I am still to go through tough times and that it's important to have a clear head through that. She has also said that she accpets she may be a distraction to help get through this time. We just get on very well and I still see my friends and she still sees hers as well. It helps keep things balanced we feel.

We like each other :-)
stepgrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2011, 12:34 PM   #336
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Glad things are moving slowly forward Stepgrah. I am still amazed as to how your wife is still adamant about what she gets out of the job in spite of all that has pursued.

I think it is great how you have found a female friend who understands. I think you are doing it right.

It will be nice when you have your new place and can put the atmosphere behind you a little. It looks as if you have the younger one permantly? I really hope that a right settlement happens with the money but also the future of the children. I don't know why your oldest has not contacted you. It seems a swap has happened and you now have the youngest. Will she like being close to town centre?

I really hope it all works out for you. Your parents are amazing in inviting her over for respite in spite of all that has happened. That is very good of them.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2011, 02:09 PM   #337
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Steve are you actually getting divorced at this time? I just cant get past the fact that you are dating while not yet getting divorced. I met my husband when he was legally still married, but his wife was divorcing him, they had already had a one year seperation, she had met another man, and it was all well under way. If there had been no divorce in progress I would have stayed away.

Its so very sad that she is still putting her job first, above her marriage, above her children, and above everything else. What will she do when she retires and is left with nothing? I am sure she will regret it, but that isnt your problem now Steve.

I hope that your relationship with the older daughter will get better.She may end up coming to you if she continues to get no attention from her mother.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th May 2011, 08:25 AM   #338
stepgrah
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 191
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hi CHosen/Raymond and all,
Thanks again for reading my posts and the honest feedback. I am going to try and answer the questions one at a time.

Chosen it seems strange to me that I am dating as well, but the whole thing is strange lol. I met this lady and we got on well as mates and just enjoyed making each other laugh. The whole thing was and is very easy. I didn't go looking for a relationship and neither did she, we just ended up deciding to be a little more than friends. As of this morning we still enjoy each others company sharing our day and generally communicating.
What I do get is someone who enjoys holding my hand when we walk and isn't afraid to cuddle me and allows me to cuddle her. We went for a walk along the beach last night in the rain and sat under an umbrella just enjoying laughing, so yes it is fun at the moment and we have no plans at all to make it more serious. I don't rub my wifes face in it and my lady friend wishes very much to stay out of the situation and remain in the background for a long long time :-)
In short "Chosen" I suppose the timing could have been better, but I would kick myself if I had let this lady pass me by.

My youngest is indeed with me most of the time which I enjoy. Once the house is sold and I have my own place, and my wife has hers or whatever arrangement she wishes to make then that will help everyone I believe. I am indeed getting a divorce as i believe that this will allow me to move on from my wife as she does not wish a relationship so therefore being scottish, to me there is no marriage. Funnily enough we were chatting on the phone this morning and all she could talk about was her schoolwork and with me still listening. SO she continues to use me as a confidant and someone to offload onto, this will eventually change no doubt.

My eldest I do hope to have a relationship at some point, but right now she is angry with me for some reason and also enjoying the benefits of my wife buying her things which I do not. The youngest and I have looked at houses nearer the city and she is excited as she sees that as offering her even more opportunity to enjoy independence and also the area we have been looking at has patisseries and bars and a good community, so she is excited.
stepgrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th May 2011, 08:57 AM   #339
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

stepgraph
Ths confiding in you bit may need to be discouraged, certainly after the divorce. My husbands ex still expected him to do things for her,and to be able to phone him etc not only after the divorce, but after he had married me as well!!! He eventually had to tell her to stop contacting him at all, as the children were both young adults by then and there was no reason for her to do so.They were perfectly capable, at age 18 and 21, to contact him themsleves. You may need to say that anything that isnt strictly to do with the children isnt anything to do with you anymore, at least after the divorce.Does she know that you are divorcing her?
After all she has rejected you as a husband, and cant expect you to still listen to her talk of her work, especially as it was her job that destroyed the marriage.

Just be careful with that other relationship, you already seem very close, as one or both of you can fall in love and want more than you are emotionally ready to give at this time. We can look for comfort in another person, but that isnt always the best basis for another relationship.

Last edited by chosen; 19th May 2011 at 11:09 AM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th May 2011, 10:30 AM   #340
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post

Just be careful with that other relationship, you already seem very close, as one or both of you can fall in love and want more than you are emotionally ready to give at this time. We can look for comfort in another person, but that isnt always the best basis for another relationship.
Well, as much as my principle just as equally, says "proceed carefully", life is not there forever. People die each every day. Nobody knows when it's your time to "go".
After years of having a loveless marriage, it would have been harder or even, "insane" to let this one go? Maybe, it is even inhumane not to allow yourself any human warmth after years of living in a "prison"? Men do need intimacy and affection to function healthfully. We are not made to be isolated, depressed and stay bitter..
I'm sure, by the sound of it, you two are falling for each other a big time. Maybe, that could a blessing in disguise. You might want her if this works out. Life is really short. You never know what is around the corner in the next 2-5 years time. Things change and maybe, you want to make the most of it?
Personally, I'm much like Chosen. But I appreciate everyone is different
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th May 2011, 11:12 AM   #341
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

The problem is, what would happen if Steves wife decided in a few months time that she wants to try again and is repentant?If another is on the scene than that will greatly infuence what Steve does. This why I would always recommend that people wait till after the divorce is completed at least, till a new relationship is formed. Just my thoughts.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th May 2011, 06:41 PM   #342
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

How do we know whether this new friend isn't the right one? One cannot always organise the timing on these things. She is willing to wait a long time if necessary so is not being pushy and understands the situation. Obviously she will influence things if Steve's wife changes her mind about her behaviour. I suppose Steve will just have to cross that bridge if it ever happens. I agree though that self control needs to operate until things have been sorted about the marriage. To me it does seem as if the marriage is over apart from a miracle.

I can't think of anyone who has worked as hard on his marriage as Steve has done and still not been able to turn it round. I have a nasty feeling that she will change her mind when it is too late.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2011, 02:37 PM   #343
stepgrah
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 191
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

Hi Folks,
Am home in Sotland for my mothers birthday and jave had nothing but a barrage of questions about my wife and i getting together again. I have been very specific with them all. My wife did not want a relationship with me and as hard as it was I had to accept that. Once accepted I then had to concentrate on building for a future.
Raymond is so correct as are you all, but timing can be a really bad thing. This new lady and I have spoken just last night on the phone and she is being very supportive, but very careful that we do not run at this 100mph and then run out of steam. I know we both "like each other a lot" and have been vocal with each other. We both have things to resolve and yes the divorce is my key one.
It is lovely someone holding your hand and smiling at you with their eyes, so yes am analysing myfeelings as to whether I have completely fallen for her or fallen for the notion of what may be. What I do know hoewever without doubt is that she is NOT my life and I am ot hers. We get along very well indeed and I need to just be careful! If I was NOT in the mess ending this mariage, I just know I'd let myself completely fall head over heels for her.
stepgrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2011, 05:09 PM   #344
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

I'm not sure if you are "easy to fall in love"? You just need to be careful if that's the case as women may be able to sense this quite easily and you can be taken advantage of? Intimacy can cloud your judgment, too. Hence some warning..early stage in any romantic relationships tend to be so intense but things are bound to change later on once realism kicks in. Is this lady for you in a long run? If things could get messy in a later stage then it might be worth injecting some self-control sooner? Having said that, I seem to recall that you mentioned that this lady has "other friends" whatever that may mean. Do you still feel a lot of loyalty to your w? How is your w actually responding to your new romance? Having read your past posts, I remember your w was quite controlling or interfering (not sure if these were the right words, tbh)?
Take care xxx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2011, 08:45 PM   #345
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: MY wife has left me please help me make sense of this

You seem to be one who is able to stand back and be objective Steve. Part of me wants you to have a better deal than you have had but not on a flimsy foundation. However she is taking it as slowly as you are so I don't feel she is taking advantage of you personally. If she is willing to wait until all your business is sorted and knowing you have children, I wouldn't say she is some fly by night. Time will tell of course if she is the right one.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 10:11 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer