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Old 15th July 2008, 07:23 PM   #1
Polly2
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Unhappy Constantly upset

My husband and I have been married for three years now. We fell in love at uni and i guess got married too quickly. Three years on we are having serious problems that only seem to be truly hurting me. We both moved to a town where we know know one because of our jobs , and from that town we commute to two other towns in opposite directions for our actual places of work andthis i fear has been a huge factor in some of the problems we have.

The main factor is that my husband appears to have closed down completely he is always saying he wants his independence, freedom autonomy! When the fact is I bearly see him anyway and when he is at home he plays on his computer for hours and hours.

In recent arguments he has said:
'You need to make yourself worth loving'
'I don't love you '
'I can't love you unconditionally - it would be loving you less'

He puts me down in front of friends;

When an old friend visited an old friend with his new girlfriend he introduced me as; ' this is _____ I didn't tell her about you and Steve because she'd been completely over the top and embarrassing' - This totally humiliated me and this is not a one off.

He comes back from work late and goes straight to bed or spends hours on his computer.

If he goes away for a week with work he never calls or texts me.

He says he can't compromise and I have to deal with the fact he has two personalities running side by side; a selfish side and the side that cares about me and he flits in between the two.

We have a house together and a large mortgage but no children as yet should i get out? How can I fix this marriage with someone whole will not compromise and has a split personality disorder!

Please help me I fell so alone, miserable and isolated.
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Old 15th July 2008, 08:15 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Constantly upset

Dear Beadles01.....

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you are very unhappy. Your husband may have seemed like a prize at the beginning but now has turned into a mean sarcastic, cynical guy with a secret life. You go behing him on the computer and I will bet money you will find his hours online devoted to porn sites or chat lines. Just pull up the history and you will understand that he has become hooked on fantasy sex life.

I hate to tell you this but this is a story very common these days in the world of technology. Good you are working because you need to confront the issue head on but when you do it could get tacky there. Be prepared to learn what he has been hiding and it is all there in the history of the PC and the sites he visits.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th July 2008 at 08:50 PM.
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Old 15th July 2008, 10:32 PM   #3
Polly2
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Re: Constantly upset

Thanks, but it really isn't even that! At least I'd have some idea how to deal with it if it was porn but it's computer games!!! all the time! our work station is in areally obvious place and we share a computer. But thanks anyway I appreciate the response, any other thoughts?
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Old 16th July 2008, 12:39 AM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Constantly upset

Yes...another thought is that computer games are also very addictive. It is stealing your lives away.

When this becomes more important there is a serious problem in the relationship. Don't you share other things you like to do? How you have bikes and you go out in your neighborhood? How about gym memberships with workouts and swim pools. Play tennis? Go fishing?

How about a weekly date night and you do NO games or TV. You take dancing lessons.... in many rec centers cheap. Even studios in the US have couple lessons and Salsa, Mambo, Tango heats up a dull marriage.

Weekends are not just chores but can have some structure after the chores are done . Go to a movie and have a bite out or any couples you know to invite over? You have to put a little thought to replace this past time he is into ...he is bored.

Whatever you saw in him can't be dead in three years? It takes years and years to uncover all the layers of interesting things about someone we love. He may be giving you sarcastic reviews because T-shirts and jeans are always there and not some dangle earrings and a great dress with some stiletto heels. Get some PIZZAZ back in that house. GO for it!

Try 2 person bubble bath, massage oil , a steamy sexy board game that says ...you do this..he does that. I have seen these. Life is 65% on you as you are the woman. Find in him what you fell for in the first place.

How does he look in soap bubbles? Don't know? What have you been doing the last three years? That imagination has to be working harder!

Some women take belly dancing lessons. I took flamenco dance lessons. Be the enticer, the temptrss, the queen of the bedroom. Don't let it all go flat in 3 years!

Good Gosh!!!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th July 2008 at 07:22 AM. Reason: error
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Old 16th July 2008, 06:46 AM   #5
Polly2
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Re: Constantly upset

Thanks again for your advice 1aokgal. I know that there are many areas where I need to change and develop my own character. I have tried many of the things you have suggested already. Your thoughts and suggestions about livening things up I’ll take on board but the bedroom, interestingly enough, is one area where we don’t appear to have a problem – just in the day to day running of life!

I regularly attend various classes myself, primarily ballet but started going to more classes as I found that I was being left alone in the evenings more and more. I asked if we could go to the gym together but he says that he prefers to use the cheap gym at work- this has increased our problems further by him coming back even later. At one time I thought he might have someone else but I know and knew this wasn’t the case he genuinely couldn’t be bothered with it.

Doing things together is very difficult for us as we both have stressful jobs I have tired though to ask him what he’d like to do and whether he’d like to go to a particular class together but he says he doesn’t have time. The overwhelming problem in our marriage is that he loves his job and I come second- he has told me this on occasion. Both our professions are in education and he told me recently that during term time he could not give me time particularly Monday to Friday and this is something that I’d need to deal with. Mon- Fri he just wants to come home (it is usually late anyway) and zone out he doesn’t want to be hassled he said I’d have to accept this which I said I would in a desperate attempt to change our situation. I was surprised to find that even my two minute ‘hug and how was your day’ was taken as ‘flustering’. I have regularly suggested we do things that we enjoy together at weekends, such as bike rides, but he’ll come up with an excuse such as there is a problem with his bike etc.

When we’ve done things together such as going away for a few days and I will have thought we’d had a nice time he’ll say ‘ I hope you know I did that for you, doesn’t that show how much I love you – I didn’t personally didn’t enjoy it’ This makes me feel like we have absolutely nothing in common anymore! I ask him to do the planning and arranging so he can do something he likes and say we should both be willing to compromise. But his philosophy is that compromising only makes both parties unhappy as they both don’t get 100% what they want.

The other thing I have noticed is that long term friends don’t keep in touch any more and when I broke down in tears with my mother she confessed to me that a lot of them have found my husband very difficult, arrogant and patronising and these are traits that I must admit I have found hard to deal with myself. Once or twice I have gently suggested that he might like to try and work on these areas so he’s not so harsh towards people but he’s unwilling to change.

As we work in two different towns to where we live it is hard to find friends but when I have invited people round he often hasn’t liked them. I have also noticed that when we go back to his home town one or two of his long term friends have hinted that they don’t like the way he treats me and I get very defensive of him! Which I know does no good at all!

Two weeks ago we had a big row and he said we should split I was already to pack my things an go… (I have no idea where as I have know where to go round here!) He flipped from being cool, calm and collected as ever and started crying saying ‘please don’t leave me!’ but he’d just asked me too! This is how most serious arguments appear to be resolved.

We’ve now had two and a half weeks away from one another due to school trips and I have just realised now I’ve had a break from the situation how bad it has got because I actually am relieved to be away from him.

But at least he has agreed to see a marriage counsellor when he gets back which is a good sign.


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Old 16th July 2008, 07:39 AM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: Constantly upset

Beadles01,

It seems your husband is "distancing" from others to become more solitary and secretive. It seems he is not the great social butterfly and if you had others in he probably does not sparkle and is relieved when they go. Yes, I know this type man. It concerns me that I have the feeling he is very withdrawn and seems very depressed. Is there a reaon you know of that he could be extremely depressed to cut himself off so much? There seems little spontaneity in his personality. Is he much older than you? Are you close to your family and his family?

Your classes so very nice and great physically and relaxing to do.

Has there ever been any drugs he takes as pain killers or legal drugs he might be overusing for some legitimate complaint as back pain or something along that line? I hate to advise this but one never know unless they poke and find out. Get through his things or his car when he is asleep and find if there is any substance at all to the legal drug use. Some of the traits you describe sounds like somebody who is really on edge and having a personal crisis. Check credit card statements and checks or receipts and see if you get a clue there. All is fair in love and war..haven't you heard? No apology for being a snoop as that is how you find out the truth.

Good, he has agreed to see a marriage counselor.

My take on him is that he feels very trapped in a job he is not able to move forward or up and is highly stressed over that. He seems real inflexible and may be a very orderly person and gets disgruntled when his routine is upset. It seems there is no spontineity. Perhaps he works with people so much he just wants to withdraw into personal space and veg out for a time. It is just that he is doing too much of that. This marriage seems in real crisis.

Let him know you feel really left out on your side of the wall. People who are married three years should still be having cliff hanging great sex and love being in each others company. Do work on the ideas to get out together. Staying home and being a couch potato can completely de-energize a marriage. It also makes you tired all the time.
Get original..he is worth it, I am sure.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th July 2008 at 04:53 PM. Reason: error
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Old 16th July 2008, 01:18 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Constantly upset

Beadles 01 wrote

In recent arguments he has said:
'You need to make yourself worth loving'
'I don't love you '
'I can't love you unconditionally - it would be loving you less'


This is a very cruel and manipulative statement and could cause rejection. He married you for who you are. Who you are is more important than what you do. I haven't come accross a statement as cold as this for a long time. Where is the commitment in this statement. It's as if you have to earn his love instead of it being freely given as it should.

He could say for instance in love that maybe you need to keep fit. But to say for instance I won't love you unless you keep fit is very manipulative. You could be working forever to earn a love which is not there. This is completely the wrong basis for a marriage and will lead to many problems and already has.

Will come back. Time is short just now.

Raymond


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Old 16th July 2008, 06:51 PM   #8
Polly2
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Re: Constantly upset

Thank you both for your comments I am absolutely desperate for advice at this time and I appreciate you giving up your time to respond. At the moment I don’t know what my next move will be. I am staying with my parents at the moment as we my school has broken up for the summer and my husband is away with his school on a trip. I have text him to know how serious I am about actually recognising there are problems in our marriage- before we have had a row and I’ve put it to one side because I’ve had to go to work the next day and hadn’t been able to deal with it I have pretended not to hear the hurtful things. But now I’ve started to admit what has been happening everything is coming to the surface. The difficulty is I am very easily persuaded to put up with a situation just because it is easier than facing the problem face on, rather like a frog in hot water; put a frog in to a boiling pan of water and it jumps out, boil the water slowly and it doesn’t notice it is slowly dying. I am worried that if I go home I won’t make my point clear that there is something drastically wrong. I have nearly packed my bags several times before but I have no where to go, financial ties bound me to him too. My husband is back on Sunday and I don’t know whether to go back immediately or give him another week or so? He has been on a school trip and I fear that he might need ‘time alone’ more than ever and it won’t be an appropriate moment to discuss deep issues. My best friend has advised me that I need to do something to show him I’m serious because I’ve never left before or done anything – not even told a soul, he thinks it’s ok to treat me this way. He will react one of two ways; either he will be distraught or he will say ‘ok you have some time alone, that’s fine and be perfectly happy with the idea – yet another sign of his split personality.

We were meant to have foreign students this summer to bring in a bit of extra cash which I’ve cancelled because I felt it was more important to focus on our marriage he sent me a text back saying that now that I’d cancelled that we’d need another source of income he didn’t seem to get the reason why I’d cancelled in the first place! That’s the thing money, jobs everything before our marriage!

Another point I wanted to bring up again from my very first post was that he has a split personality disorder it would seem and this is what confuses me most of all. 50% of the time he is nice and pleasant towards me and even loving at times, cooking me meals watching DVD’s together etc and the other 50% he is down right mean and selfish. He told me has two personalities himself his selfish side and the side that ‘loves me’. All the mean behaviour I have described comes when his selfish side has been ruling. You see everything to him is black and white there are no grey areas no compromises it is either him or me in his mind. It is like living with two people and people that know him know this is true. But I can’t keep thinking and loving the ‘good side’ when the ‘bad side’ is so very very bad. A while ago just after he told me I wasn’t intrinsically worth loving for the first time in my life I had suicidal thoughts! I’m not like that at all but I felt so alone and the one person closest to me was telling me I was worthless quite literally. He has told me before that he is ‘evil’ and that he is not ‘normal’!!!! – what the hell am I meant to do with that??!!

We are both meant to be Christians and yet he says that! I have told him has deep issues that need sorting time and time again but I fear there is little hope when it appears he is unwilling to address his own personal problems.

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Old 16th July 2008, 07:02 PM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: Constantly upset

I think your husband needs to be on meds if he is not taking meds already and that is why he is personality disoriented. Perhaps he has a Bi-polar personality and needs to have some meds to stabilize. Get him to make an appointment with his doctor for a physical or you make the time and give it to him for the check-up. There are famous people throughout history who had chemical imbalances.

Then you work on YOU...meet some of your needs. enjoy your dance classes. When he is in a mood..go to a movie with a dear friend. Don't make it all about him. Life is not all about the mate. Your needs are important too.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th July 2008 at 11:18 PM.
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Old 16th July 2008, 07:56 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Constantly upset

Almost sounds like schizophrenia to me Beadle. The root of that is rejection in childhood. Then false personalities are contrived to get acceptance but the real them is buried deep and never comes out. Whatever it is there is a personality problem it seems. As christians there should be many sources of healing available for you depending on where you are, if he was willing that is.

Do you know what sort of childhood he had? That might point to something. As it is you are living a powder keg life that something has to be done about. I know you know that. It seems to me that not even the basic building blocks of marriage are in place by the way you are being treated. Although a man's prime relationship should be with God the first human priority is your own wife. She comes above business, church, other people or whatever. Everything should revolve around that. Other things take their place around that. if that is not in place there are always going to be problems.

Raymond
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Old 16th July 2008, 11:14 PM   #11
Polly2
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Re: Constantly upset

Thanks again guys. He is not taking drugs of any kind but psychological disorders have crossed my mind and Raymond your spot on with the childhood issues. He said that he felt he was loved ‘conditionally’ but he felt that this was actually a good thing as it made him strive to achieve more. He also told me once that his parents had him and his sister as part of social convention as it was the ‘done thing’ and not because they actually wanted them – which I don’t believe is true but it is enough that he believes it to be true. He is not upset about this but accepts it as pure fact. His sister has ‘issues’ too. His parents gave them the ‘hard love’ approach and they are very different to my family which are openly loving. They were both very career minded and he said that when he was a boy his Dad wouldn’t come home until late every night. His parents have a very different marriage relationship to mine they are both fiercely independent and bicker regularly about little things which my parents rarely do. I have often questioned his view of marriage and once made the mistake in a moment of exasperation of saying ‘…well that’s what normal couples do!’ to which he replied that every couple is different and I couldn’t possibly compare our relationship to that of any one else. But there are some things that are common in all good marriages I firmly believe.

I am exhausted , I unintentionally walked 10 miles today in an attempt to clear my mind, now that I have actually started to talk about it I feel strangely like although it is painful I’m staring to heal something. For at least a moment I felt genuinely happy for the first time in ages- I have no idea what that means!

You both been really helpful thank you for your thoughts.


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Old 16th July 2008, 11:30 PM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: Constantly upset

Beadles01,

Excercise does clear the mind and gives one a lift. Good for your walk. Watch the heat though on the long walks.

His parents loved him with conditions..DUH...Does that sound familiar to you? Rehash the statements made to you that hurt you so much. If I were you I would take another class and just spend as little time with him as possible until he has a full physical and you know what is going on there.

You also be careful of your safety and don't get into any confrontations with him. He obviously needs some balance. Sounds like he is badly stressed. His performance has to be high in all areas for to please himself and expects the same in others. People like that crack and go off the deep end.

Just make some lovely things happen with lunch on a patio on the weekend or something special. I wonder if you notice he takes in too much sugar as soft drinks or something. I would monitor this man's sugar. Is there diabetes in his family? That also can account for unstable body chemistry.

YOu sound like a very sweet girl with a world of nice things ahead of you. DO more for yourself and stop letting it depend on his moods. You do good things for you.
Got a swim pool there somewhere make some time to go.
The checkup for him is very important. If your parents are nearby spend some time with them.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th July 2008 at 12:22 AM.
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Old 17th July 2008, 09:38 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Constantly upset

Beadle you are touching on the truth here. He has been damaged in childhood whether he realises it or not. You are spot on. He is reproducing what he has been programmed with. You were fortunate to be loved as a child for who you were. To deal out love related to performance is very damaging. He is doing this to you also without realising it. It must make him a restless soul continuing to perform to be accepted. Theres a hardness there that needs to be broken.

I was brought up as an orphan and was very damaged. I would not have survived if I did not know that God loved me unconditionally. While we were still sinners christ died for the ungodly. I went to a retreat a few years ago and one of the women bible teachers came up to me and said God thinks you are fantastic. I took it as a word from God as a fatherly word to that little orphan boy within me. God is the father I never had and his words bring healing. Many christians try to establish favour from God by works but it is a free gift from God without works. We are saved by faith not works.

This principle should run through our love lives and our marriages. I am told to love my wife as christ loved the church and gave himself for it, to love her as I love my own body. There is no hint of performance or of earning this love. Performance is the basis of false religion.

I think you have come to a very profound truth Beadle. If he gets hold of this it will change his life forever. Don't you try to perform to earn his love. It will be an ever ending treadmill. You can love him unconditionally. It will upset his whole philosophy and soften him to see what real love is about. I think you need God in this as well though.

Raymond
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Old 17th July 2008, 02:21 PM   #14
Polly2
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Re: Constantly upset

I apologise in advance for the length of this! Many thanks again. Raymond I find your words both comforting and terrifying. Comforting because I know that everything you are saying is absolutely true. When I was crying alone in the kitchen the night he said he wanted his autonomy and I wasn’t worth loving (he was here referring to the fact that I was crying and upset and he thought I was pathetic) as I said above I thought for a second that I could end my life and be free from the suffering and pain maybe I deserved it, after all I was the one that seemed to have the problem I was the one that was upset! I just knew for the first time since becoming a Christian that God loved me just for who I was.

I have grown up in a Christians family and was passionate about God and happy. Since becoming married I’ve lost it because my husband has never had it. One major factor you must know about us is that we are both Theologians and teach philosophy and ethics. My husband is extremely clever and this is yet another problem as you say he is restless always thinking philosophy and he can justify anything!!! Which is why he can justify treating me the way he does, at that particular moment or that particular day he might for example decide that he wants to be egotistic and does! He has told me in both in anger and when he is calm that he is a ‘Hedonist’- great! To which I responded ‘then why did you get married?!’ to which he said calmly like it didn't matter - like hard luck your stuck with me now!‘I don’t know, I’m sorry’.

He can’t balance his Christianity he says we can achieve total perfection and genuinely believes that at one point in his life (when he thought about becoming a monk, I might add) that he was perfect. I have pointed out that this is not possible but he says that we should strive to be like Christ as near to perfection as possible. He also thinks that most the Christians in the west are not living out the true gospel message to 'sell all you have and give to the poor' and he often uses St Frances of Assisi as someone who is an example of what true Christianity is. He seems to think moderation is pretty useless (remember it is either black or white!) so he decides to go with black. I once said if that's what he truly believed he should 'sell all he had' he then refered back to his spilit personality and said that the other half of him wanted to just earn lots of money and enjoy the good things in life and i think that's what he went with!

I married him thinking he was a committed Christian but although he says he is I fear he is not simply by his actions. He hates going to church now and insists on going to a dead C of E church down the road where the 7 other people that go are over the age of 80! He says I can go to what ever church I like so that is exactly what I did 6 months into our marriage and it seemed to work for a while but then I found it was actually distancing us further so I said we’d find a church together so we did a middle of the road Anglican. He didn’t like it much (as of course it was a compromise!) and objected quite a lot he let me know it was a ‘duty’. So when we moved to our new town we went to this dead C of E and I got so fed up I started going to a more lively church just because that’s where I feel I flourish ( I used to be a worship dancer) One Sunday I came home he asked me how church was and we started talking and some how he got really mad and for the first and only time i might add he literally kind of screamed with rage at me and i went to leave the room and he chased me up the stairs yelling at me! I was terrified! that was the one time before this week I phoned my Mum and she said then ' he had deep spiritual issues'.


Once I told him that God loved him and cared about him just as you said that was about 10 months ago. I told him it is not through works but by grace we have been saved and he kept saying ‘so, I don’t have to do anything?’ I said ‘yes by grace you are free from having to do stuff to get God’s love’ – I thought I was getting somewhere! Then he said ‘Great I can do what I want in this life I don’t have to do anything and I can get into heaven!- brilliant ‘ I then tried to explain that as a Christian you would want to express your faith but this was lost on him. I think now he was mocking me slightly. You see he knows it all, there is nothing I can tell him, but he doesn’t have love and therfore cannot understand God's. He asked me once to tell him detail by detail what love was and what it felt like! – I couldn’t believe I’d been married to him two and a half years and he was asking this question?

I have looked up both medical conditions you have described but he doesn't have all the symptoms of both he has more of Bi- polar but he doesn't have the elevated times. He is also fully 'rational' and will remind me of this regularly espescailly when we have an argument and I start to cry ' I can't talk to you if you get emotional, look at me I'm fully rational!!! What I mean by this is that in both these mental disorders it suggests that the person is out of touch or control with themselves that there is a cognitive problem my husband appears fully awear and actually that makes me feel even worse because I can't blame any of the things he has said or the actions he has shown to be acting out of a state of delusion - he knows what he is doing!

At the moment it doesn’t seem to have dawned on him that there is a problem!!!!. I’ve told him in texts (as he is away and doesn’t phone) how I’ve been feeling- briefly -obviously but it appears that he most concerned about money. He asked me if the counsellor would be free and obviously if it is not then we shouldn’t have it!

I told him I couldn’t agree (as I had done before)to let him have his solitude and isolation Mon- Fri as it isolated me and I became a part time wife! only wanted when he wanted. This would probably be for the rest of his life and can you imagine if we had children! He says I’m demanding of his time what kind of father would he make! He text me back to say he had to have it. I sent another to suggest that he might like to find accommodation Mon- Fri (there is accommodation at the school) and he replied and said it would be too expensive. I just replied and said ‘well, if you want you solitude that’s what you can do and we’ll rearrange our finances we get a pay increase in Sept anyway and we’d save money in his fuel. I am beginning to think I am a business arrangement that together we bring in enough money to have a house and pay the mortgage but that’s as far as it goes!

I am going to stay at my parents for a while they live two hours away. My Mum and I are going up to my house tonight to pick up some things before my husband returns home Saturday evening. My Mum is going to help me move my things into the spare room ready for when I have to return and I think I am just going to focus on myself for a while like you guys said. I’ve been trying so hard at squashing down what I feel for about 2 ½ years it’s all coming out and I need to be in a place where I am supported and loved.
ARRrrrrrggghhhhhhh!

Last edited by Polly2; 17th July 2008 at 02:38 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 17th July 2008, 07:57 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Constantly upset

Beadles you know more about true Christianity than I realised. You understand the difference between grace and works. Your husband obviously does not. This is not unusual. Most people don't. The real tradgedy is that you thought he was a christian. To believe the gospel is a revelation from God. Don't lose what you have. You are obviously a christian even if a bit backslidden. You need to feed on that new nature that came into your spirit when you were born again. Please find a live fellowship so that you can be built up again. You will need it in this situation.

I wouldn't try and convert him with arguments and words. The scriptural way for a wife to do it is by their lives. He has vulnerable points like when he cried on his knees for you not to leave him. He is fighting unknowingly against Gods ways but God can get through so try and pray also.

If in the end he decides to leave you, the scripture says you are not under bondage in such cases, let them leave. As it is I think you have to tough it out and really get hold of your faith. Are your parents christians?

I've tried the philosophy route before I was converted. Funny enough the philosophy teacher became quite angry when I told her of my conversion to Christ. By the way Jesus only told the rich man to sell what he had. He must have known that the rich man's heart was too wrapped up in it. I'm sure God would have prospered him again if he trusted Jesus' words.

There must be something in your husband that reacts against the truth of Christ. Why else would he get so angry when you described a live meeting you were at? In some ways this might be encouraging. At least there is a reaction, a sign that a battle is going on.

Have you ever heard of Derek Prince's teachings. He was an Oxford doctor of philosophy and also a logician who got converted. Some say that he was the best bible teacher of the century.

It's great that you can go to your parents and get support and rest. There is a battle ahead and you will need all the support you can get. I still think the key is through pressing into christ and getting full of the spirit. Didn't Jesus say He (the spirit) will lead you into all truth?

Raymond
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