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Old 22nd February 2010, 06:29 PM   #136
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You have to choose the time Amber.

I don't understand why he won't give up the porn and work on relating to you. You should be the most important peson in his life. He obviously has dificulty in relating. Maybe you letter may help him understand what is going on.

Raymond
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Old 24th February 2010, 08:56 PM   #137
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Amber, I see extreme manipulation there in his response, especially putting the burden on you that he will kill your advisers. Where one hoped for repentance we see an attack on your advisers. There is also a manipulation of the word of God for his own benefit regarding forgiveness.

On the subject of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily restore relationship where there is no repentance and no prospect of change. If you said in three days time that you forgive him one cannot assume that relationship is restored if he is going to do nothing about the cruelty and the porn and all the other stuff. It's the same as christ dying to forgive the sins of the world. No forgiveness can be received without repentance. That is not what we are seeing here I'm afraid. His response is very vague to say the least.

I sense he is wanting to tie you up with words and guilt rather than humbling himself and repenting. It is nice that you had a good day out ski-ing but the underlying situation seems unchanged from where I stand. You don't want to be bribed if the basic problems are not being changed.

You gave it your best shot. I don't see how it is going to work without his sincere repentance and a decision to change for the sake of your marriage.

I pray you find your answers. His initial response is disappointing.

Raymond
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Old 25th February 2010, 09:04 AM   #138
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Okay he should be changing for conscience sake but maybe he is not strong enough without knowing you are committed to the marriage. This is the part that I said you had to be prepared to do. Remember? Maybe he needs the encouragement of you working with him to help him overcome?

If that is the case forgiveness would be logical to me.

Raymond
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Old 25th February 2010, 08:09 PM   #139
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You have to work out what these pecks mean Amber. If they aren't love then maybe they mean something else. Possibly manipulation? Remember love wants the best for the other and never forces itself. So there is a red light there. The main thing is to keep your head. You don't have to treat as love what isn't love. As his wife you will know the difference.

If he is genuine there will be fruit. From what you are saying he is willing to work on the things you brought up so long as you are committed to the marriage, so you need more than these pecks from him. You neeed action about the cruelty and about the porn and the other things you would have brought up.

Your husband seems very weak and insecure to me which wasn't apparent to me in your first posts. Sometimes I feel you are capable of being manipulated because of sex. Tell me if I am wrong. Is that the trump card up his sleeve to get his way? Are the pecks to do with this? It is your right to have sex and it should never be used as manipulation although I think even this has been muddied by porn.

Sorry to be so blunt Amber. I am reading between the lines of things you have said. And if I am right it is something you have to be aware of as everything could go out of the window if that is the case. You have thrown down the challenge and intimated you have had enough, implying you will leave if he doesn't sort things. Don't be sabotaged now.

Do you have anough strength to have another try on the basis of his promises to put things right? If he says he wants to change and you say you can't forgive and are not committed to the marriage then that doesn't leave the marriage anywhere. My thought is that if you have laid everything out for him in the letter then the invitation is there for him to change and for you to remain committed while he is trying. Am I making any sense?

Raymond
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Old 26th February 2010, 06:18 PM   #140
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I hope you are feeling that Amber and that it is not something I am putting on you. I know you have given him a chance before and he has failed, but your letter was quite powerful and to back that up you need to let him have a chance to get it. If he doesn't get it in spite of this then you have to do what you have to do. Make it be a real chance though however difficult you find it. Try and encourage when he gets it right as that is quite powerful from a woman to a man. I really hope something comes out of this and am praying to that end.

Raymond
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Old 27th February 2010, 09:46 AM   #141
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Everything leads to giving it another shot Amber. If you were to end the marriage now would you have the peace you will have if you seriously gave it another chance in view of his response to the letter? This is what you were dreading before. The fact that he would respond and that you were not up to trying again. I said then, if I remember rightly, that writing the letter goes with giving him another chance, otherwise you might just as well have ended it now without saying anything.

I think you have to try even if it is just the one more time. It will be clear to you up the road if he is going to stay faithful or not, particularly in this mental adultery stuff. How any marriage can prosper with that going on I don't know. I know there are other issues as well, but scripturally sexual immorality is a grounds for divorce. Personally I include certain stages of pornography in that, but you have to make your own judgement on that.

I am very aware how hard it is for you Amber. You said that God gave you the strength to write the letter and as I said that goes with another chance. He will respond or not but it has to be a real chance with commitment and forgiveness of the past from you.

We are with you in this Amber as are your other counsellors you have mentioned. Share with those in your church as well so that they can pray also.

The scripture says in the multitude of counsellors purposes are established so you are on good grounds. Nobody wants you to suffer needlessly and lock you into something that is going nowhere but I think what you have decided to do is the right thing and I pray that God strengthens you in it.

God bless for now

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 27th February 2010 at 11:02 AM.
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Old 1st March 2010, 12:01 PM   #142
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I have read your posts yesterday Amber and prayed for you.

Basically you seem annoyed at his selfish behaviour and there seems to be sexual problems as he doesn't consider your needs as husbands should. Sex should be a joint experience and not as onesided as it appears to be from what you have said. I think some of this may be coming from the porn which feeds lust instead of the sex being part of the relationship you have together.

However I can't speak to him on here only you. I think it's going to be a long haul with him but I think you can do it with God's strength.

What I got when I prayed is that you should start from scratch and encourage any good you see. I know this isn't easy thing as it is much easier to reproach or criticise. Lets face it something drastic needs to happen here and it has to start with you. You are not going to be able to do it in your own strength but if you can find ways to start it I think you could turn things around long term. I'm not talking about flattery that won't help him or you at all. I'm talking about encouraging the good so that it grows. There must be something good in him I would think otherwise you would not have married him. I believe a woman has a power to work at it even when the man doesn't and can actually change a man's behaviour not by cticism but by encouragment. While you have got him committed you want to try and create some good from it. If he is taking baby steps encourage him. You have a power in your tongue to create good and change him so long as he is faithful to you as best he can be. Don't underestimate the power you have as a woman to that no matter how small it starts from.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear but unless something good happens here nothing is going to change. You can do that by choosing to. I know you feel like slapping him round the head but that will not change anything. If you are going to give it a go then you are going to have to give it a go.

Have a think about it. We are talking about drastic measures here. I think a seperation would only procrastinate matters.

Raymond
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Old 1st March 2010, 06:48 PM   #143
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Doesn't sound too bad to me Amber. Hopefully you can move forward. Another chance does mean forgiveness even though you find it hard. We need forgiveness all the time with God but that means we forgive others who have hurt us. It doesn't mean we can't sort things out. Marriage can't flourish without forgiveness. That is part of the package.

He has read your letter and has thanked you for forgiving him. That can't be bad. It doesn't sound like someone who wants to carry on doing bad things. If he did he wouldn't worry about your forgiveness. So take it as a positive and try and encourage him when he gets it right. You could thank him for trying to be considerate about the movie? Your encouragement will go a long way.

You are very blessed to have ski-ing so near. I have to fly to the Alps to do that.

Raymond
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Old 6th April 2010, 01:42 PM   #144
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Amber. Nice to hear from you again. I don't really know what to say here, but you seem to have given it a try following the letter. I can see that it did not have the full desired response and you are still unhappy in your marriage it seems. I am beginning to wonder if he is even able to respond. The way he shrugs off responsibility for doing something about it himself is quite telling. The scripture love your wives as your own bodies should be ample motivation.

You have to do what you have peace about Amber. You say you have prayed about it with your friends and you have really tried it seems. If you really have God's peace as well about it I am not going to stand in the way. It is very sad and it does appear that the marriage is failing. While I am not one to encourage divorce it could be a bigger crime to force you to be together in a legalistic way. I was hoping the letter would produce more of a response.

The red light for me has always been the persistent pornography as I see that as mental adultery affecting the most intimate part of a marriage. That says an awful lot to me. In many of these cases control and insensitivity seem to accompany it. That is just a personal view of course.

I would say a lack of love is killing the marriage. Yes commitment is very important also but pornography does show a lack of it. Commitment is more than not divorcing. It means a commitment to love as well, but marriages do fail when this is only onesided. I view you here as the committed one, or at least you were the committed one, but have perceived and felt a lack of commitment and love on the other side plus some problems that could have been sorted if there was that motivation.

I don't know what else you can do Amber if he is not going to have his own motivation to sort himself. Quite clearly the message has not reached him it seems.

Thank you for updating me Amber. I am glad you have been praying about it. You seem to be wanting God's best. Sometimes marriages do not work even with the best will in the world on one side. Well done for trying.

Raymond
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Old 10th April 2010, 04:40 PM   #145
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think he was only half in the marriage long before you came to this Amber. A real marriage takes total commitment.

Let us know how it goes and what you feel about it from time to time. What do your christian friends feel about it?

Raymond
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Old 17th April 2010, 08:18 PM   #146
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Amber. I see that you still have the resolve and peace about seperating.

That he now wants to serve God in the ministry makes no sense to me at all. I can't see that God would call him into ministry judging by the what you have told me about him. Much better to have dedicated himself to his marriage and you first.

I can't see how your marriage is salvagable without a miracle. You have certainly given it your best shot it seems. What I never understood to be honest is why you never seemed upset with the porn. That has got mental adultery written all over it in my book. If he could have worked on that I would have seen a bit more hope.

I was at a healing retreat this lat week and there were a few men that came forward for deliverance from porn addiction. It is not compatible with marriage in the slightest.

Anyway thank you for updating me. I really hope you find a better life as you get more and more free in yourself.

God bless

Raymond
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Old 19th April 2010, 10:35 AM   #147
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thank goodnes for that Amber. Sorry for misunderstanding. I was a bit worried for a minute. Your friend means well. It is a natural christian response to try and save a marriage, but it cannot always be done as it takes two to work on it.

One of the affects of porn is for the woman to feel as you did, with the low esteem and feeling of rejection etc. but it is a lie from the pit. You are a daughter of the king and should live as such. The porn goes directly against marital intimacy. Some class porn as a hatred of women as it is using them as objects without relationship. It is one of the symptoms of misogyny in men. This doesn't reflect on you at all but rather on him. You have been abused and crushed by by him in this and need to rebuild your self esteem which you are doing it seems. Basically that comes from believing who God says we are and is re-inforced by good relationships. I realise now that you were too much under it to comment and maybe you should have confronted him right at the start.

As it is you sound like a new person already Amber and have done all you can in the situation you were in. The whole thing had just become too much for you it seems, which is understandable. When you choose again choose with your head as well as your heart.

Raymond
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Old 23rd May 2011, 03:14 AM   #148
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I'm comforted to see that i'm not the only one going through this. For the first six years our sex life was great, he's ten years older than me and I was amazed. When we moved into our first apartment in 2008 I was happy because i'd waited to be with him and then after about a year or so, 3 years ago, he stopped wanting sex. In fact he stopped sleeping in the same bad, saying it was his snoring and he did keep me awake but after a few years that excuse doesn't work anymore. He still comes to bed occassionaly but hasn't had an orgasm that I know of. He must have erectyle disfunction because he can't stay hard and so now he doesn't even bother. He won't talk about it. I know that he is 10 years older than me and used to drink alot in bars in his past but I can't believe this is happening to me.
I am a very attractive woman and have a sexy body. I'm not bragging, just trying to give you all the facts and men are attracted to me, even his friends but he acts like i'm not even in the room. He watches tv and one time I caught him in the front room doing you know what and he denied it, told me he was just scatching but I know what I saw. We get along very well and he tells me he loves me but this is very frustrating and now I have a lot of resentment. Its clear that he loves me and doesn't want anyone else and I know him better than anyone and yet he won't talk to me about this.
He acts like everything is fine. He will sleep with me but lately just goes to sleep. He will not go to the doctor for help and won't even discuss it. We have a small apartment and I would know if he was watching porn. One time I went in there and cable porn was on which isn't actual porn but he said he said just switching channels and I didn't believe him and got really upset so he hasn't done that again and I know because I can hear the tv clearly and if he lowers it I would also know because i've gone in there. I got so upset he told me the next day he had a sore or something in that area and that is why and he seemed concerned that I believe him, that it wasn't that he didn't want me.
I put on sexy nighties like I always have and sometimes he will come to bed with me but when he can't finish he just says he's tired. We used to have sex once a week and in the morning and now nothing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. There are other men who are attracted to me but i'm attracted to him and don't really want anyone else. I lost my job so we are under some stress but i've never known him in all these years to have a sexual problem until recently. I've thought of leaving him several times but I really do love him.
Once in awhile I still see that passionate man but its less and less now. I don't know how he can think this is okay with me. He is a wonderful man and hasn't had it easy with relationships and I have tried to show him that I love him and I am very patient and understanding but at what point am I supposed to think of myself? I've tried to adjust to this and to just accept it because if its his age, it isn't his fault, but that isn't going to happen. I just can't accept not ever making love with him or wait for months for it to happen.
I dress appealingly always and he doesn't seem to notice. I wonder if he will notice when I walk out that door!
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Old 23rd May 2011, 04:00 AM   #149
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness. How old is he?
From what you said it may be a medical issue, but I am not sure that you can put it down to the age gap, as 10 years isnt that big. Men in their 70s and even 80's, father children. Diabetes for example, can caused problems with getting/maintaining an erection and there is a simple urine test for that.
Its hard to say about the masturbation, whether the fact that he does that is the reason that he isnt interested in sex with you, or whether he has found that masturbating is the only way that he can orgasm. Whichever way, he does need to get checked up by a doctor, and I hope that he will agree to go and have some simple tests.If left undisgnosed, diabetes for example, can be dangerous anyway. so its worth getting checked for his own safety.
It does seem odd that he was so virile one minute and then seemed to stop fairly suddenly, unless there is a medical reason.

If you are married, then looking elsewhere for sex and thinking of being unfaithful surely isnt right? It wont help and will just hurt you and him and others as well.

Just out of interest, what is the difference between cable porn and 'actual' porn? If he is watching porn and'or masturbating on a regular basis, that would account for his lack of interest for normal sex. It does make it harder for men to get aroused by normal healthy means over time..Thats why its so damaging.
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Old 23rd May 2011, 04:38 AM   #150
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

It isn't that I would be unfaithful, I would leave him and find someone who knows i'm alive. I do think its a physical problem but the fact that he won't talk to me about it doesn't help and he won't go to the doctor to seek help. He's been to the doctor a couple of months ago and if he mentioned it to him, I don't know about it. He's a very proud man but am I supposed to just live with this? He's 65 and I don't appreciate him thinking that I will just go along with this. However, I have just gone along with it.
I am not a domineering person and I don't make demands, I speak in a sweet tone because that is my nature. He has seen me mad however but we try to avoid getting mad at each other. What's their to get mad at? We only talk about his volunteer work, nothing on a personal level. The difference between cable porn is that they don't actually show the actual act, the women are naked and so are the men but there are no closeups of the actual deed. Porn that you can order from your cable co. is much more explicit.
He actually goes to bed before cable porn even comes on which is later at night and he's usually alseep by ten at the latest. He's a volunteer up and a canyon park and works physically on the trails so he's tired when he comes home but he only does that 3 times a week and on the weekends he mans the kiosk until noon, directing visitors.. He's always home by noon and sometimes I think that his volunteer work is the only thing he cares about. I do know he believes in God and meditates and was a catholic and I come from a penicostal background and was a ministers daughter.
Nothing has prepared me for this and because adultry goes against the bible is the only reason I haven't seriously thought about it. I could leave him but I hate to do that.
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