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Old 2nd July 2004, 03:54 AM   #1
Caroli
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masturbation, porn and marriage

I am going to get married soon and we, my fiancé am me, have been talking a lot about different issues. Two of them, porn and masturbation. I am confused about that now and I wish that I could hear what other people think about it and I would appreciate if other people share their experiences with me.



He said that he can see himself masturbating and looking at his porn after we get married. He said that for him masturbating and having sex with me are two different issues.



Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable about that. When I know that he has been masturbating it’s kind of difficult for me to feel aroused, it’s just something that turn me off. I can not understand why if I am there for him he needs to masturbate sometimes. That made me feel like not enough for him. It’s not weird that you need to look at other naked bodies when you can be sharing your body with your wife?. What is the difference between cheat on me and look at porn? Anyways, he is looking another naked women, maybe he is not interacting with them but he is thinking about them when he is masturbating.



Our sexual life until now has been really good. I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me and when he saw that I was not feeling comfortable about that he deleted his porn from his computer. However, he said to me that he wants to be honest with me, that he miss his porn and that he thinks that when we are going to be married maybe he wants to look at your porn and masturbate from time to time (“If I have a high sex drive I don’t think it would hurt our relationship if I masturbated 2 or even occasionally 3 times a week, although I do not foresee it happening to that frequency’).



He said that is something completely normal for a guy to look at porn, even if he is married. He said that “Most men hide porn from their wives Because they know they cannot talk with them about without them trying to make the husband feel guilty or hurt themselves so they hide it because it is just something that they feel that they have to do”.



Am I doing a big deal of something that is a stupid thing? I wish I could hear the experiences of married woman and man that needed to deal (or are dealing) with this kind of problems.



I really appreciate your comments,



Carol
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Old 2nd July 2004, 07:25 AM   #2
bongbong
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

most men are just horny monsters!!!
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Old 2nd July 2004, 10:16 AM   #3
Liz
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I don't know what your husband means by normal. Men do enjoy seeing pretty women, not necessarily without clothes on. I don't think porn helps a marriage. It should be enough for both partners to enjoy each other. To me it's about fidelity - if my man wants to look at other women naked or having sex then it means he's not being faithful to me and it would hurt. The other trouble is that some men get addicted and looking at other women in this way blunts their response to their wife's advances.

Masturbation is a more tricky area. Men do get to the point where they have strong physical needs. This can be difficult for them to deal with if their wife is away or not well.

I think it depends on how you see sex. Is it about giving pleasure to your husband or wife or is it about getting pleasure or physical relief?

If you are worried about the porn issues there are some resources here.

In the end the important thing is that you both show respect and love for each other and stand by the vows and commitments you make to each other when you marry.


Liz
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Old 7th February 2005, 08:22 AM   #4
Hopeful
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz
I don't think porn helps a marriage. It should be enough for both partners to enjoy each other. To me it's about fidelity - if my man wants to look at other women naked or having sex then it means he's not being faithful to me and it would hurt. The other trouble is that some men get addicted and looking at other women in this way blunts their response to their wife's advances.
Liz,

You are absolutely correct. There is the problem of reality and the reality of the problem.

Porn does not help marriage. As one poster states, it has distracted her husband from their marital bed.

But the reason for porn is not so easy to define. Some men who never cared to look at images of women (Internet, dance clubs, or print) may end up addicted to it. How it is introduced, its availability, and its mystery might help a husband make a decision for it. I'm not saying it is a good decision.

Many men bring porn into a marriage unbeknownst to their wives. Call it a failure in sexual development or sexual mal-development. Many husbands get hurt by their wives for whatever reason and their marital bed no longer bounces. They are caught between fidelity and flight. Many opt to remain 'faithful' in their own way. They still sleep in the same bed with their spouse and so find themselves in predicaments they wished not to be reminded of. Take, for instance, waking up one morning (after not having sex for two months) and viewing one's wife putting on her bra. A simple, almost mindless, task for the woman, but what about the husband? He just got a peek of something enticing, but unfortunately something he cannot nor will not be able to enjoy. Am I talking love here? No, not really. I am referring to daily routines that seem ordinary and innocent, yet a husband who hasn't enjoyed the marital privilege for weeks on end has now had his imagination stirred. Sure, go ahead and tell me that he just has to bite down hard on a wooden stick followed by a long, cold shower. Or better yet, he should just "get over it." I'm sure this isn't what you intended, but no man can understand what fidelity is all about when he hasn't had relations with his wife for weeks, months, or in some cases, years. Back when my wife was colder than winters in Siberia, I remember my wife one day wearing a V-kneck shirt when she was tying her shoes on the couch. I sat across from her and got a view that was just short of being glorious. For months I was only admiring her beauty with her clothes on and was happy just to get a kiss now and then (and only after I approached her for it), then lo and behold, she bends down and I catch a glimpse of something denied to me, her husband. Try asking me what fidelity meant to me back then.

Aside from the fact that some men are jerks and some are perverts, there are many men who wish to remain faithful to their wives, who would never think of running out the door for another woman, who keep hoping or praying that everything will get better in the near(?) future. But it doesn't. Marriage, which sometimes does involve sex, suffers. In many cases, it dies before a man turns to porn and masturbation. But culture and society wants us to believe that it can never be the wife's fault. This would be an act of political incorrectness.

One poster does lament how her husband's addiction to porn has torn him away from her. This is unfortunate. Either he is stupid (giving up the real thing for something imaginary) or he cannot tell the difference between reality and fiction, between love and porn. He is the true addict.
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Old 8th February 2005, 02:46 AM   #5
Jake
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I believe variety has much to do with men's love of porn. And when it comes to variety I don't think age and looks are really that important, especially in the real world. I think that if every woman here just passed her husband along to the woman who posted right after her, say for a weekend, then everyone, including then men involved would probably find sex to be a lot of fun again.
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Old 8th February 2005, 03:28 AM   #6
smackie9
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Thumbs down Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Give me a break! Jake. What a big steaming pile of Sh-t!
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Old 9th February 2005, 10:27 PM   #7
Lovey
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Wink Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

JAKE: So what.. you were bored and stumbled upon this site and decided to spout off your nonsense? My suggestion is to grow up a little before you decide to post. There are REAL people here suffering from real issues. Jerk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ilivin and Hopefull- I'm loving your posts.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Experienced
I don't know exactly where I should have put what I have to say into this thread, however I will tell all of you women to stick with it, you will eventually learn that just because your husband looks at other women does not mean that he will see you as being any less attractive, I have surveyed tons of my male friends on whether or not they would ever leave their girlfriend for a porn star or stripper, and if you want to hear something really funny, they all said no, that they thought that they were all whores; that they would not want thier girlfriends or wives or fiances to be anything like them.
So right, Experienced. Many of us already know that though. I have never once considered something so ridiculous in my life and I feel terrible for those who do. I really didn't see that in any of the women here though.
All of this porn messing up marriages is not about our husbands looking at other women, it's about the intimacy being taken away from some, it's about the consistent lying and manipulation, about the wives feelings not of inadequacy but of heartbreak.

Sure men look at women and women look at men or other women! Sure we've all masturbated with our vibes! Listen to the women here though. I don't believe that they think any of this. They are intelligent, loving, attractive women! Sticking his penis into your vagina?? What a terrible way to put it. Sex means more to me than that. It's special between my husband and I. I think that is why we have sex so often. I love sex with him because it means that we are getting close and being intmate- expressing our love.
He's not tired of our lovemaking style, where we make love, what I wear when we do it... etc. It's not about that, nor will it ever be. It's about something deeper. Thank goodness we found out what it was. Many of these ladies haven't yet.
It's not about jealousy for most either. I actually WORKED in porn. I have never had a problem with porn. We were even considering getting into it as models.

When I worked in porn I watched it daily, I watched it for masturbation use when I was single. I watched it in one relationship that I wasn't getting my needs met. It had very little to do with the person that I was with. That's why I think that it is not always about masturbation either. It's about something deeper.
Think logically? Like we weren't doing so already? Please don't presume to know what any of us are feeling, or thinking.

You are trying to be helpful Experienced but I doubt if that last bit about roleplaying and Valentines Day will help anyone. That sounds rude and I don't mean it to be but it kind of pissed me off. If you consider what you're saying you'll realise that sex toys, blow jobs, anal sex, playing nursie and screwing in the pool aren't going to change these men watching their porn. It wouldn't have changed me.

Things were always exciting in my bedroom, bathroom, livingroom, kitchen.. pool. All of the sex toys (we have a ton) the beauty, the brains, the different ways in which I pleasured my man, doing any fantasies he'd like roleplaying.. bondage .. etcetera did not keep mine away from his habit. It doens't always help in MOST of these cases. Again, it's not about that. It for us was about some underlying issue- his molestation from another male/watching anal sex porn. He will undergo counselling to help him over that at his request. I've never tried to force him not to watch porn. It's his decision. He wanted better for himself in our relationship and hated me to be in pain.. didn't realise I was until we truly communicated.
This is not to say that everyone will have the same issue but his was relatively easy to discern once we really communicated better than ever.

UPDATE!! I haven't been here in a while - since January 6th. I wanted to see how everyone was and give an update.

My husband hasn't looked at any porn in I guess two months- since before my last post. They keylogger shows nothing, he tells me he hasn't felt the same need to since our talk of his molestation. We still await a counsellor. I imagine we'll be waiting a while longer for them to call us.

So for the most part, we've been intimate daily. The other times we have not have had to do with me having some female issues (ovaries cysts) and we have had to stop making love these few times.
I still feel that I am taking time to trust. The trust takes a long time to get back. Thing is I suppose I haven't had it for quite some time, so I'm remembering that and giving myself time.
Our vulnerability has really saved us so far. We're more open than ever in our communication. I only hope that it stays this way!
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Old 2nd July 2004, 02:41 PM   #8
**tameka**
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

im getting married too and my fiance has porn EVERYWHERE!!! i think once in a while it is OK (i guess) but all the movies, all over the computer, all the magazines . . . . thats a little ridiculous. i think he's goin through a faze. i also dont think it means that youre not pleasing him or that hes cheating. just let him know once in a while its ok but it has to be limited. its sorta like alcohol i guess you could say . . . you gotta know your limits!!! Hope this heLps a little!!! Good luck and dont stress it too much "BOYS WILL BE BOYS" (lol) just let him know how you feel.

getemtameka@yahoo.com
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Old 3rd July 2004, 02:29 AM   #9
Caroli
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Thanks to everyone for the replies, I am reading and reading and we are going to have a long talk tonight about that.



Carol

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Old 3rd July 2004, 07:34 PM   #10
help
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Thumbs down Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Ouch! I feel for you. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 and 1/2 years. My husband had never before been involved with porn until about one month ago,when I found out, it really hurt me/ our relationship. In fact it still hurts, not so much because he lied to me about it. But because it makes me feel as though I was worthless to him sexually and that he was no longer attracted to me. It still hurts when ever I hear or see anything that reminds me of the situation. I try so hard to feel/be attractive for him once again but there is always that thought of not being good/attractive enough for him. This has really hurt our relationship and I wouldnot reccomend getting into a relationship with a man that is going to continue to do those things that make you feel uncomfortable, no matter how much you love him at that time. The question you need to ask yourself is if you can live with someone who you love that makes you feel that uncomfortable about your self all of the time. I am not saying that he is abusive in anyway shape or form. But I do infact know first hand that porn destroys more things/marriages/relationships/families than does more than good. Studies show that a man that gets seriously involved in porn is more likely to view woman as they are only there for a man's sexual gratification. In effect Men are more likely to rape, sexually molest, sexually asault woman and children.
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Old 8th July 2004, 07:56 AM   #11
Yolly
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I am married recently. Before marriage we had a lot of phone sex when my boy friend and me had masterbation at times and it was totally thinking of having sex with ourselves. We were stayiny in a distant place that time. Now we are married and are not doing mastrrbation. We are very happy sexually. Our thought on previous masturbation even turns us on. So I think masturbation after marriage, porn etc. are just announching the gap between the couple. It should be filled up by your own sexual activities not by porn.
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Old 9th July 2004, 12:48 PM   #12
jasminebose
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Carol,

I disagree with some of the other posters. Although I don't like my husband watching porn (we've been married nearly 2 years) I don't think it is harming our relationship or is more likely to turn him into a rapist! I think it is often the case that men's sex drives are greater than women's, they are also more interested in variety and are more visual than we are. These are biological brain differences not choices. I try and rationalise it a bit when my husband looks at porn. It is not a reflection on you or how much he loves/desires you but a natural difference between men and women. I read in a book that women saying 'you can't watch porn' is like a man telling his wife 'you can't watching the shopping channel anymore'. You get the point! Window shopping is not buying...
JZ
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Old 10th July 2004, 05:11 PM   #13
smackie9
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Masterbation is a normal part of our sexual lives. If God didn't want us to do it he would have put our sex parts in the middle of our backs where we can't reach! LOL! And as for porn, sex isn't dirty. Sexual fantasy isn't a bad thing either. Sex is a gift and should be enjoyed. Explore. Try new things with in reason. Women enjoy porn too. Girls, we burned our bras in the 60's for a reason. Equality! If it's accepted that men enjoy it then why can we?
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Old 5th August 2004, 11:56 PM   #14
lissa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

I also don't agree that because a man watches porn this will make him a rapist! I do however believe it will destroy your relationship. I found out a few years ago that my husband had porn. This man was my world, my rock and I would have died for him on the spot, but all that changed. Initially it wasn't even the porn that was the problem, more the secrecy and sneaking about, the what i perceived to be his enjoyment at hidding porn from me and the l deceit. I tried everything, ,i asked him to stop as I felt it was inappropriate to have this material in a house where children live, i threatened to leave and in the end, sick of all his lies and hidding his stash, i said have what you want as i was too tired to argue. He informed me that all men have porn, i'm uptight and that other women don't mind, so neither should I. Basically he does as he pleases.
It got really bad at one point and he only slept with me a handful of times in 4 years. (i actually got pregnant because i wasn't taking precautions as we slept together so rarely.) I have been on anti depressants over his behaviour towards me, I didn't know how far away he could push me. AS i lay in bed one night i heard him groaning over some naked girl on the computer and i just wanted to die. Needlees to say i lay there crying when all i wanted was a little bit of love and attention. For 4 years my husband masturbated over porn at least once and usually more times a day. Because of this we didn't even consumate our marriage for a week.
I wouldn't regard myself as unattractive,was certainly no prude in the sex department and was still in my early twenties at this point. On rare nights out, hen nights and such, i got lots of male attention when all i wanted was a hug from anybody, usually my best friend stepped in here. Once things had got to the lowest ebb, me picking his used tissues up that he had left on the floor and my daughter finding a tape, we went to councelling. Along came promises of of don't leave me i'll stop, but he never did, he just lied some more. Now with my 7th wedding anniversary approaching and my 30th birthday nearing all i can think about is how desperately unhappy porn has made me. People(men) say i doesn't mean anything, thats not how it feels when you lie in bed night after night, near enough begging your husband to come with you, only for him to say he'll come to bed later.
Now however we do sleep togeter, after councelling he still has the porn, but he sleepswith me also(nice of him). He says hes a changed person, things got out of hand but he's in control of the situation now. He also said he had a high sex drive, then why not sleep with me. And if thats the case why need porn, why not just masturbate without it. When we sleep together now it is just sex, he says he loves me, but i'm not really interested. Its not that i dont love him, i dont know if i do or dont really it s more i'm numb to him, sometimes, often i wish he'd just go away, but then how would i pay the bills. I feel trapped in an marriage, that if you forget about the porn issue is a good marriage,but one which makes me sad. When i think about our early years together, the love and trust, it's like that person i loved is dead. And no matter how nice he is to me a barrier will always be there, because i can't be hurt like that again.
For instance i would never initiate sex, i firmly believe he made a choice, porn instead of his wife.And now when he sleeps with me its in my head that he'd rather be pleasing himself on the computer. The porn, the hurt, the lies, the continually being pushed away night after night ruined my marriage. Yes he was an addict and i know a lot of men don't use porn this obsessively. There are lots more humiliating details i could tell you about, but you don't need me feeling sorry for myself when you need advice. My only advice would be, decide before you marry him can you put up with the porn yes or no and if the answer is no i personally dont think you should put your self through years of heartache. In his defence he didn't lie to you and in my experience that counts for a lot.

good luck
chellex
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Old 6th August 2004, 12:27 AM   #15
Just Me
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Unhappy Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Chellex,

I feel so sad for you! I also know exactly what you mean by feeling rejected sexually, etc. My husband was into the whole porn/masturbation thing as well. I'm sorry, but I think the "men are more visual" thing is often used by men as an excuse for their porn. If it doesn't mean anything to them then why would most of them be very upset if they found their wives masturbating to porn? The same reason we're upset--they would feel that we preferred the guys in the porn to them. There are some really good message boards online for women (and men) whose spouses have been involved in porn and other types of internet infidelity. One of them is on msn.com and is called "for those hurt by Internet Infidelity". You e-mail the group and then they give you permission to join. I think it would help you so much to communicate with others who have had similar experiences.

--Just Me
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