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Old 13th January 2013, 01:14 PM   #1
lizzy1983
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help please

Hi everyone, I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 5 yrs and married over a yr. We also have a child.
While pregnant and just after I had our child he was sending and receiving texts, emails and picture msgs from girls, he denied it all but thenwhen he couldnt get out of it said it was him.
I forgave him, got married 2 yrs after that, i then find msgs on his phone between him and his cousin again denied and put down to one of the lads from his work.
He is also obbssessed with porn its all over his laptop and phone. Ive spoken to him about this as i dont like it. He said he will stop then i find more.
He constantly changes his passwords on phone or computer if ive asked to use it and refuses me to use his email account when mine wasnt working and when caught out.
What should i do? Should i be worried?

Last edited by lizzy1983; 13th January 2013 at 01:55 PM.
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Old 13th January 2013, 01:51 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: help please

It is not good Lizzy and it is a concern yes. I really feel for you. It is a form of unfaithfulness which can lead to adultery. These things have to be watched as they can grow left to themselves. You needed to confront it as you have done but one can surmise that it is going underground and has not stopped. This cuts to the heart of the marriage and gradually undermines the trust in the marriage.

What to do? I know one cannot force things. My tack is that you continue to confront. This doesn't have to be militant but it must be firm. You have a battle on your hands and if you weaken and give up you can become a doormat in your own marriage. You musn't let this happen even if it gets to the point of them or me. He needs that kind of shock I think. You need more openess in your marriage it seems and need to insist on it.

I don't know about Pirbright, whatever that is, but I will look it up.
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Old 13th January 2013, 01:55 PM   #3
lizzy1983
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Re: help please

Sorry I meant porn
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Old 13th January 2013, 01:58 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: help please

Oh dear. This is quite serious Lizzy. That is mental adultery in my book. How long has that being going on?
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Old 13th January 2013, 02:04 PM   #5
lizzy1983
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Re: help please

The porn from the start but everytime he's caught out its either one of the lads from work or he promises to stop
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Old 13th January 2013, 02:32 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: help please

So we are talking about quite long term here Lizzy. This can be quite serious and lead to addiction, which is when it has got him and not him it, although he might not admit that. I don't know how serious this has got but even a little can affect the intimacy of a marriage. At it's most serious it can almost replace the marital bed which is when the diversion of the normal sex drive onto porn takes over and normal marital sex can be over and if it's not over it's because they want to play out what they have watched. Everything about it works against the normal marital intimacy in a marriage, which should only be between husband and wife.

Sorry to put it so bluntly but we get a lot of this on here and none of it is good. It is a deception that robs the marriage and the sooner he realises this the better. If he loves you and wants a happy marriage he should kill it now while he can. If he has become addicted then it is much more serious and he will need deep counselling.
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Old 13th January 2013, 02:42 PM   #7
lizzy1983
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Re: help please

I already think he needs help but wont admit it.
He always says it better him looking online than going out into town looking for it
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Old 13th January 2013, 03:19 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: help please

mm.. it's not much better. It will be affecting his mind and his marriage relationship with you. In the heart there is not much difference between mental adultery and physical adultery. Both are being unfaithful and the visual can lead to the physical in the long term. He is playing with fire to my mind and I speak as a man. He needs to understand the full meaning of faithfulness, especially in the sexual realm.
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Old 13th January 2013, 03:24 PM   #9
lizzy1983
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Re: help please

Thank you for taking the time to reply
I am glad someone sees it the same way i do and its not me making a mountain out of a mole hill
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Old 13th January 2013, 05:17 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: help please

Certainly not Lizzy. You are on the right track. If you want the real truth about it you will find it. It will put you in a good position to affect your husband and your marriage.

You could start here: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/eyewander/
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Old 15th January 2013, 10:53 PM   #11
Blessed
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Re: help please

Hi Lizzy, you could try suggesting that he should try and imagine how he would feel if you were changing computer passwords and had pics of naked men and were looking at that sort of stuff and deliberately hiding it from him. It might take a while for it to sink in but it hopefully should make him think, especialyl about how he's making you feel.
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Old 16th January 2013, 04:01 PM   #12
Helen_uk
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Re: help please

Lizzy, I really feel for you.

I've been through that experience myself with an ex partner and it's a horrible experience.

My relationship ended when my partner went from online porn and texts with women to meeting up with them, and sadly that's what it can lead to.

I tried everything to get him to stop, begging, threatening etc.. I cried buckets during those 4 years . He would promise to stop and then continue, I'd find out and we'd end up having a blazing row, he'd promise to stop ... and so it went on.

The truth of the matter is unless there is an addiction- in which case professional help is needed - you can't stop your husband from doing this , only he can.

He has to see that you aren't prepared to put up with it , and sadly that sometimes means walking away from the situation. Making idle threats doesn't work .

Now this may seem a bit brutal as it's " only porn and texts " but trust me on this, it IS adultery . Faithfulness means love, and respect with mind, body and soul and if his mind is on a naked woman on the screen or engaged with sexy chat by text , then he isn't being faithful .

That leaves you with a dilemma . You can't change what he is and what he does, none of us can do that . We are all responsible for ourselves and when we marry we put our trust and faith in that person as they do in us , and trust that they will love and respect us.

You can tell him how it makes you feel, you can show him what it's doing and that may work in the short time , but long term he has to make that decision that his love for you is worth more to him than his need or want to text other women and look at porn .

Some people don't find porn a problem , some women aren't bothered by their men viewing it , some women like to look at it themselves and in that instance that's up to them it's free will. But if you're in a relationship where your partner objects ( as in your case ) then the person doing it needs to take that on board and realise how much it's hurting the person they are supposed to love. However , texting another woman is taking it to the next level in my view and sadly that's what happens . Porn encourages a lack of respect for people's feelings . It makes it easy to move on up to the next stage- contact- and the stage after that- meeting up . It's a very slippery slope.

If I were you I'd lay that on the line, let your H know exactly what he stands to lose, but don't make idle threats that you can't carry through , he has to stop because he sees how much he's hurting you and because his love and respect for you are greater than his desire to do these things, otherwise he will return to doing them at some point.

Helen
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Old 16th January 2013, 05:48 PM   #13
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Re: help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzy1983 View Post
He always says it better him looking online than going out into town looking for it
If he hadn't done this already? I would not be surprised..it sounds like either he had done this already in the past or he's been doing this, he wouldn't have said it. You need to be wary as to what he's up to..just be sure he's not a brothel creeper.

I agree with Helen. Porn is so AWFUL. I had experienced something similar myself with mine before but after difficult long-term "battles" over a long time, finally, things did improve. But it wasn't easy.. Also, porn could be a sign that your man isn't generally happy. A "happy" man won't be resorting to porn; if he was, he would be spending more time with his wife.
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Old 16th January 2013, 05:56 PM   #14
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Re: help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzy1983 View Post
He constantly changes his passwords on phone or computer if ive asked to use it and refuses me to use his email account when mine wasnt working and when caught out.
What should i do? Should i be worried?
If a husband start hiding things, there's a big alarm bell ringing. What else would he be hiding, do you think? If he's so into porn, hasn't he done it "for real" by now? I completely agree with what Helen says.

You can't keep forgiving him. If you continue brushing this under the carpet all the time, then he thinks "your forgiveness" doesn't mean much.

It may be best not to sleep with him without any protection, in case he had done more than watching porn..
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