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Old 2nd August 2013, 02:51 PM   #16
Helen_uk
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

From what you've said he is prepared to be transparent, and changing his number needn't change that . What it would do though is remove temptation . If he then continued to get in touch it would mean he would have deliberately had to give her his new number , which I think would then prove he isn't able to - or has no intention - of stopping contact.

I know what you mean though , in an ideal world, he'd just stop.

He should support you with your son regardless . It's hardly surprising you get angry , bearing in mind everything that's happened .
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Old 2nd August 2013, 07:53 PM   #17
chosen
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

The teenage years are not easy:-(
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Old 2nd August 2013, 08:10 PM   #18
Raymond
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

I must admit that I felt that it would be better for him to willingly co-operate to re-build the trust rather than you making rules about changing his phone. Nevertheless if he wants to re-build trust it is a good thing to ask, that's if he wants to prove that he wants to work at it.

I do understand that he cannot receive when you are angry and shouting at him. It doesn't usually work in any marriage. Spouses don't want orders but most would rather do the right thing by suggesting it rather than shouting. It's a thing you need to watch I think. I know it's difficult but it can be a kind of manipulation. Nevertheless shouting can show how frustrated the other spouse is. Nobody likes their spouse to suffer.
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Old 4th August 2013, 02:33 PM   #19
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

I do want not want this M to end. H has been very loving and supportive these last few days. i feel still quite insecure though. H said he will do anything I require and has started reading 'Not Just Friends'.

I know I still have anger issues, we are going to see if MC will help us find a way through.
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Old 5th August 2013, 09:21 PM   #20
Raymond
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Part of the building blocks will be the re-building of trust MC. He seriously needs to co-operate in this and be an open book and allow you questions about his phone and anything else you need to ask. You can't keep letting this go indefinitely obviously. Changing his phone is crucial. He has to completely cut her off full stop if he wants a good marriage. I hope he has learned his lesson.

MC would help and anything you can learn about anger management, but the most crucial thing is for his continued repentance and his will to restore your trust which will take time.
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Old 7th August 2013, 11:31 PM   #21
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

H and I had a big barney tonight. During today I was flirting with him via texts. I was with a friend and was discussing another friend's situation in which she hinted to us that her H was a player and she was ok with it as it was only sex. My friend points out to me that my H was not the type and he would be a fool to do anything etc. as I was really pretty etc.

This got me thinking and upset me a bit as I then went down the pity me route, if I am so pretty etc, why did my H get involved with an EA.

When H got home I was a little distant as I was feeling sorry for myself. I tried to explain to H how I was feeling and he blew up saying I was deliberately needling him and I was being manipulative and playing him. H said he went out of his way to be loving to me and I shunned him. He stormed off to bed and I am left wondering what the he!! Did I do? :-(

God I hate this rollercoaster. It isn't working is it? I have explained to H how much I need him to understand I am a bit all over the place at the moment. H brought up the past how I was manipulative and controlling before and this was how I used to behave.
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Old 8th August 2013, 03:14 AM   #22
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Have re-read my thread 'why does the spouse who gets ILYB do all the work' and with more clarity now it seems that the texting never stopped when I thought it did. Unfortunately, it has also brought up a lot of questions. it seems that H still has issues over my past behaviours ( anger/ controlling)
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Old 8th August 2013, 12:49 PM   #23
Raymond
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

The most crucial thing you have said MC is that the texting hasn't stopped. Is that true?

The other concerning your thoughts on why he went with someone else is just questions that bother you and that he cannot answer probably. That is why he got angry. He just cheated which is wrong. I thought he was repentant about that. You was feeling sorry for yourself and he hasn't got an answer. I think you have to avoid the POM's (poor old me) as it really doesn't help anyone including you.

I wouldn't listen to this girl who lets her husband wander as it is only sex. She cannot have a good marriage. It just doesn't figure. You may be manipulative but at least you realise it and are working on it. What else can you do?

My first paragraph is the crucial one here.
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Old 11th August 2013, 11:10 PM   #24
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

According to H, all contact has now stopped. H is very remorseful but gets very frustrated when I ask him anything to do with the texting. We have agreed to give it a go for a month without any mention of D or fighting over the EA. We are waiting for our assessment session for MC. Hopefully, we can change this round.
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Old 11th August 2013, 11:15 PM   #25
toellandback
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Hope all goes well. I'm inspired by your last post to keep trying.
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Old 12th August 2013, 10:11 AM   #26
Raymond
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Do you mean asking him about the texting that he was doing before he finished it?

Is it necessary to know about this? If he is truly sorry wouldn't it be a better idea to forgive and forget and move on? I know you can never forget but an effort to put it behind you might be profitable?
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Old 16th August 2013, 08:52 AM   #27
MC123
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Talking Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Quote:
Originally Posted by toellandback View Post
Hope all goes well. I'm inspired by your last post to keep trying.
It is always worth trying until you can really say there is nothing left. We are not at that stage yet. h has been incredibly loving in the last few days. Especially since I have stopped 'grilling' him when he comes home about his EA.

Raymond, I have taken aboard your point. When I find myself wanting to 'grill' him, I ask myself do I really need to know. H is very happy to answer the questions but not when it becomes like an interrogation.

We have started to go out to spend some 'us' times walks and coffee which is really helping us to reconnect. Our intimacy has also grown from this. We are hoping this is really the turning point we need from the last few years.

Strangely, since our greater reconnection, arguments with our son has not been so intense.
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Old 16th August 2013, 09:43 AM   #28
Raymond
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

That sounds good progress MC. If you have forgiven you have to wipe the slate clean, otherwise it is not real forgiveness.

Your son will respond inwardly when he sees his parents respecting and loving each other. A lot of rebellion starts in the home where there is division with the parents. They will feel it even when they cannot verbalise it.
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