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Old 9th October 2015, 11:58 AM   #1
biker
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Bored & Confused

Hi,

I'm new here and i'm after some advice. I have been married to my wife for 6 years, and all has been fine until a few weeks ago. I have become increasingly bored with how we are living our life, it seems to be a constant cycle of, go to work, come home, eat watch t.v. then bed. I am already seriously unhappy in my job, but due to financial commitments, i am unable to leave. Home life just seems so boring and monotonous. I really want to talk to my wife about this, but i find it very hard to speak to her about these sorts of issues, as she just get INCREDIBLY defensive and wont discuss things. I would love us to be more active, but she doesn't seem remotely interested. We have a sports centre around 10 minutes from where we live, and i would like to suggest maybe some swimming, badminton or squash, just to get us out of the house and doing something, but she sees these recommendations as me criticising her weight!!! And that puts us back to the defensive and REALLY bad mood scenario. The whole weight issue is also playing on my mind. My wife has always been a larger figured woman, and it didn't bother me at all, but in the last few months i have started to find her less attractive. Be that right or wrong i cannot help the way i feel, and is it really that wrong for a man to want to be attracted to his wife physically??? Its also worth noting that i have no interest in sex what so ever, in fact, i dread her mentioning it at all, thankfully i'm a shift worker and can usually play the "tired" card. All of this combined has left me feeling very alone and confused, and in need of some advice. Between the home life problems and how i hate my job, i have considered jumping on the bike, and riding until i run out of land!!

Any advice is welcomed.
Thanks

Jason

Last edited by biker; 9th October 2015 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 9th October 2015, 04:36 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: Bored & Confused

Be very careful what you wish for, the grass is very rarely greener, you have so much more in your life than you realise.
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Old 9th October 2015, 04:41 PM   #3
notDoneYet
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Re: Bored & Confused

Have you considered going and doing fun things on your own? Your W may decide somewhere down the line that because you are having fun she may want to join in. If she does she could end up enjoying herself. You don't have to do everything together.

An Ralf is correct in what he says.
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Old 9th October 2015, 06:21 PM   #4
Lindentree1
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Re: Bored & Confused

I don't understand why a heavier woman would fail to attract you when you married her the way she was. Frankly, it seems shallow and cruel.

If you want to help with her weight why not say you want to eat healthier for your own sake and take walks with her after dinner? Don't mention her weight but just do healthier things and see if she will follow. She must be sensing that you are unhappy with her weight if she is getting defensive.

If you are refusing sex you are hurting her. She deserves better. You sound bored and you hate your job. It's almost like you are blaming her for it all. Don't put all the responsibility on her.

Try to schedule fun things to do together that aren't about weight. Concerts, movies, dinner. Perhaps you just need to know her again. Try to remember why you fell in love in the first place.

It sounds like you are thinking about cheating. Don't do it. You made a commitment. Try to give your best to your marriage, and if that doesn't work, try counseling. Just don't give up. You at least need to know that you've done everything you could to save your marriage. She deserves that, as well.
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Old 9th October 2015, 10:56 PM   #5
biker
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Re: Bored & Confused

Thanks for the replies so far, there are some good points and comments to be thinking about. I'm not surprised by the shallow and cruel comment, to be honest I was expecting it. What does surprise me though is the two comments about cheating and withholding sex. Cheating has never entered my mind, going down that road is not going to solve anything, and would just cause even more problems. The withholding sex comment, to withhold something, you must first have it, or in this case want it. At this point in time I don't want it, I have no interest in sex, be it with my wife or otherwise.
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Old 9th October 2015, 11:48 PM   #6
Lindentree1
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Re: Bored & Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by biker View Post
Thanks for the replies so far, there are some good points and comments to be thinking about. I'm not surprised by the shallow and cruel comment, to be honest I was expecting it. What does surprise me though is the two comments about cheating and withholding sex. Cheating has never entered my mind, going down that road is not going to solve anything, and would just cause even more problems. The withholding sex comment, to withhold something, you must first have it, or in this case want it. At this point in time I don't want it, I have no interest in sex, be it with my wife or otherwise.
Thanks for the clarification; I'm glad you don't want to cheat.

Since you are upset about your job and feel like leaving your current life and have lost interest in sex--do you think perhaps you are in a bit of a depression?

ETA: You also said you were playing the tired card--so if she is asking for sex and you are not agreeing you are indeed withholding it for whatever reason. And I stand by my shallow and cruel comment. If you married her the way she was why is she not good enough all of a sudden? That sounds strange to me.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 10th October 2015 at 08:10 AM.
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Old 10th October 2015, 10:58 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Bored & Confused

From the keeping fit question I see it as NDY in that you can do that without her. She is not stopping you. I play tennis and swim on my own but we walk together. It shouldn't come across as a way to fix her.

I think Ralf is correct in that you may not realise what you have. Don't wait until you lose it to find out. You have a lot but need to work on yourself first and hopefully your wife will pick up something. Bored people are usually boring but it is in our own hands to do something about it. Watching TV every evening will not help for a start. I am sure you can find better things to do. If you do watch choose what you watch rather than passively sitting there and letting the TV take over.

With regard to sex I think you are missing the point and being a bit selfish. Your wife could be feeling rejection for all I know. If she is happy fair enough but I suspect that she has sexual needs which it is her husband's job to fulfil. Rejecting her sexually will only exasperate her self image which seems bad enough from what you say. She may need to lose a little weight but your love of her should not depend on that. You need to work at loving her and not totally relying on what you feel. Didn't you make some vows about that at your wedding? All marriages need work on them.
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Old 10th October 2015, 11:09 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Bored & Confused

How about doing something that SHE will enjoy instead? Does she liked films? Theatre? Going for meals? Walks? Concerts? Surprise her with an evening out that she will enjoy. How about planning a short holiday somewhere as a surprise? Chose somewhere she will like. make a date night once a week and take it in turns to choose what to do. If you want to do a sport once a week then go for it, the exercise may help you mentally as well.

My older daughter said the other day that if we dont like things in our life, then we are the only ones who can change them. Look for another job if you hate it or get more qualifications so that you can get a better or more interesting job.

As for you not wanting sex, have you always been like that? If so get a medical check up, you may have low testosterone. Rejecting her sexually is wrong, you need to make an effort for her sake. She must feel so rejected and unloved.
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Old 11th October 2015, 10:44 AM   #9
ralfgarnett
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Re: Bored & Confused

"I'm not surprised by the shallow and cruel comment"

Hi Biker, which comment is cruel and shallow ?, I can only see people giving you the advice you were seeking, or am I missing something somewhere ?
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Old 12th October 2015, 02:59 AM   #10
biker
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Re: Bored & Confused

Someone told me my comment was shallow and cruel, which is why I said I wasn't surprised, to be honest I expected that. It seems that a man can't comment on a woman's weight or figure. Just the other week a friend of mine was told by his wife that he is over weight, and " could stand to drop a few pounds" this comment was made in front of a few of us, yet nobody said she was cruel. Seems a bit double standard to me. This is all kind of irrelevant, as during a conversation about us trying to get out and do more together, she broke down and confessed to sleeping with her boss for the last 3 years!!!! I've no idea what to think or do really at this point, but hey, what can I do.
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Old 12th October 2015, 08:58 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Bored & Confused

You are only being honest biker. It's a red herring.

The big shock is that your wife has been sleeping with her boss for the last three years? We know that is very wrong and is adultery. However one cannot help feeling that you had a part of it as you had no interest in having sex with her. It is easy to see that she could justify it in her own mind.

The good thing is that she has confessed it. Where you go from here is anyone's guess. A lot depends on what she intends to do. The options are for her to leave the marriage or to save it. For her to save it would mean serious adjustments in the sexual area and in other ways. Of course this all depends on what you intend to do about all this. I think you have a lot of soul searching to do.
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Old 12th October 2015, 09:53 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: Bored & Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by biker View Post
Someone told me my comment was shallow and cruel, which is why I said I wasn't surprised, to be honest I expected that. It seems that a man can't comment on a woman's weight or figure. Just the other week a friend of mine was told by his wife that he is over weight, and " could stand to drop a few pounds" this comment was made in front of a few of us, yet nobody said she was cruel. Seems a bit double standard to me. This is all kind of irrelevant, as during a conversation about us trying to get out and do more together, she broke down and confessed to sleeping with her boss for the last 3 years!!!! I've no idea what to think or do really at this point, but hey, what can I do.
OH dear. Thats why God wants us not to neglect our spouses sexually for this very reason, so they are not tempted. I suspect she felt very rejected and neglected. Most women dont go into an affair for the sex alone, but for the attention and love. She would have know that you didnt fancy her and she sought that love elsewhere. The husband is the wifes mirror, and if he doesnt love and accept her as she is, she feels bad about herself and how she looks, so is vulnerable to another mans attention.

As for the comment on her size, you married her at that size, but thats irrelevant now isnt it. .

Last edited by chosen; 12th October 2015 at 09:58 AM.
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Old 12th October 2015, 01:47 PM   #13
ralfgarnett
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Re: Bored & Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by biker View Post
Someone told me my comment was shallow and cruel, which is why I said I wasn't surprised, to be honest I expected that. It seems that a man can't comment on a woman's weight or figure. Just the other week a friend of mine was told by his wife that he is over weight, and " could stand to drop a few pounds" this comment was made in front of a few of us, yet nobody said she was cruel. Seems a bit double standard to me. This is all kind of irrelevant, as during a conversation about us trying to get out and do more together, she broke down and confessed to sleeping with her boss for the last 3 years!!!! I've no idea what to think or do really at this point, but hey, what can I do.
Hi Jason, I am very sorry to hear your wife has been cheating on you, I disagree that you forced her in to his arms, that was her choice and not your fault, there is never a good excuse or reason for infidelity in marriage, ok things weren't great between you but this is inexcusable, she has broken her vows to you and sadly your marriage has become a sham and is tarnished for ever, your trust has been betrayed and you don't deserve that.
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Old 12th October 2015, 02:54 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: Bored & Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi Jason, I am very sorry to hear your wife has been cheating on you, I disagree that you forced her in to his arms, that was her choice and not your fault, there is never a good excuse or reason for infidelity in marriage, ok things weren't great between you but this is inexcusable, she has broken her vows to you and sadly your marriage has become a sham and is tarnished for ever, your trust has been betrayed and you don't deserve that.
No one said that he forced her into an affair, but when we deprive our spouse of love and sex and reject them physically, it opens the door to temptation. We all need to be accepted and loved by our spouse. If we dont get that in their marriage some will seek that elsewhere or will at least be vulnerable to attention from others.

Last edited by chosen; 12th October 2015 at 03:01 PM.
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Old 12th October 2015, 04:00 PM   #15
Lindentree1
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Re: Bored & Confused

"As for the comment on her size, you married her at that size, but thats irrelevant now isn't it."

Exactly, Chosen. That's what I kept trying to say. I'm glad someone gets it.
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