Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Hi LDT, yes I know what you mean about memories, I can honestly say that in our time together I have 99.9% nothing but happy memories, she said the same to me last year, but as in any relationship there were also some sad memories of family bereavements that sort of thing, but inter personally I can count on one hand the amount of times I can recall us having what you could describe as an argument, two of those were caused by other people saying stupid misguided things and that was even before we were married and she was feeling insecure about things, another was on holiday about 10 years ago over something daft which I cant remember, another was walking home from the village during a storm when a power cable had blown down, she was about to walk in to it and I saw it at a split second and pushed her out of the way, for some reason she thought I had pushed her sideways for no reason and had a fit on me, I tried to explain why I had done it but she was off on one, eventually the penny dropped when I explained about the power cable dangling down, and after those I cant honestly remember us having any significant disagreements or fall outs, we just got on, which is why I still struggle to this day to understand why we are currently apart, I also don't understand why she never gave us any sort of chance, I guess she just fell out of love with me and didn't care about our marriage as much as I thought she did.

Its sad that the trauma of the break up colours the good memories.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Hi LDT, yes I know what you mean about memories, I can honestly say that in our time together I have 99.9% nothing but happy memories, she said the same to me last year, but as in any relationship there were also some sad memories of family bereavements that sort of thing, but inter personally I can count on one hand the amount of times I can recall us having what you could describe as an argument, two of those were caused by other people saying stupid misguided things and that was even before we were married and she was feeling insecure about things, another was on holiday about 10 years ago over something daft which I cant remember, another was walking home from the village during a storm when a power cable had blown down, she was about to walk in to it and I saw it at a split second and pushed her out of the way, for some reason she thought I had pushed her sideways for no reason and had a fit on me, I tried to explain why I had done it but she was off on one, eventually the penny dropped when I explained about the power cable dangling down, and after those I cant honestly remember us having any significant disagreements or fall outs, we just got on, which is why I still struggle to this day to understand why we are currently apart, I also don't understand why she never gave us any sort of chance, I guess she just fell out of love with me and didn't care about our marriage as much as I thought she did.

Hi Ralf,

I have a lot of great memories, too. I just meant that the way he left cancels out the good memories for me. It's really just the tragedy of the ending that I focus on now. That's the painful part. Perhaps someday I'll feel differently but right now...

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Hi Ralf,

I have a lot of great memories, too. I just meant that the way he left cancels out the good memories for me. It's really just the tragedy of the ending that I focus on now. That's the painful part. Perhaps someday I'll feel differently but right now...

I can completely understand that. I remember when my mum killed herself, for about 20 years the utter pain and trauma of her death was all I could feel when I thought of her, but very gradually I began to remember all the good things, the amazing mum she was, how lovely/kind/sweet she was, how much she adored my brother and I our children and so on. The memories are still very much tinged with sadness, even typing this it makes me feel a bit tearful after nearly 30 years, but I can now look at the lovely picture that I have of her with me when I was about 5 years old and smile. I was very blessed to have had her as my mum until I was 30.

In time I am sure that both of you will be able to get past the pain of the parting. What has happened to us makes us what we are, shapes us, and nothing is wasted, God uses all of it for good in the end, and we can have more compassion on those who are also suffering.

[ralfgarnett]

That's a very moving story Chosen it must of been so difficult to comprehend, my mum simply died of old age and a couple of related health issues but she made it to 86 so not a bad age really, for quite some time after her passing I was deeply upset about losing her, but as time went by the pain eased and 99% of the time these days I can think about her without feeling any sadness whatsoever.

Losing my wife and marriage and all that went with it has been so much worse to deal with than losing my parents, nearly 20 years ago now we chose each other as husband and wife and to be rejected by the person I have loved the most in all my life and thought loved me the same has left me feeling completely gutted like a sardine in a tin, I just feel so lost without her love, company, friendship, kindness, compassion, and companionship.

My memories of our life together and all we have shared are nothing but good and happy, during our time together I had the happiest and most settled period of my life, however the memories are so good for me they cut me to pieces and the pain of them overwhelms me sometimes, so what were once happy memories are now sad and painful memories and that is just not fair.

[chosen]

My mum was only 57, and dad died of cancer at 69, so I lost both parents quite young. I think that I would have coped far better if they had died in their old age.

The thing is that you can be happy again if you are able to accept the past has gone and begin to move on.
You may even have another happy marriage in the future.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

My mum was only 57, and dad died of cancer at 69, so I lost both parents quite young. I think that I would have coped far better if they had died in their old age.

The thing is that you can be happy again if you are able to accept the past has gone and begin to move on.
You may even have another happy marriage in the future.

I doubt very much that I will ever marry again, I would consider living with someone though but I'm through with marriage, unless of course Mrs Ralf pulls her finger out and demonstrates a willingness to buck her ideas up, but right now there is more chance of me hopping in to the sack with Nicole Kidman than us both reconciling.

As you know there has been no mention of the D word between us, however I am on my guard because July next year will be 2 years apart if things stay as they are and she can file then I believe, however I wont rise to the bait and as things currently stand I would definitely hold out for the 5 year deadline at least.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by chosen

I can completely understand that. I remember when my mum killed herself, for about 20 years the utter pain and trauma of her death was all I could feel when I thought of her, but very gradually I began to remember all the good things, the amazing mum she was, how lovely/kind/sweet she was, how much she adored my brother and I our children and so on. The memories are still very much tinged with sadness, even typing this it makes me feel a bit tearful after nearly 30 years, but I can now look at the lovely picture that I have of her with me when I was about 5 years old and smile. I was very blessed to have had her as my mum until I was 30.

In time I am sure that both of you will be able to get past the pain of the parting. What has happened to us makes us what we are, shapes us, and nothing is wasted, God uses all of it for good in the end, and we can have more compassion on those who are also suffering.

What a lovely post, Chosen.

I'm sorry you lost your mom but so glad you have those wonderful memories.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

What a lovely post, Chosen.

I'm sorry you lost your mom but so glad you have those wonderful memories.

Thank you very much. Its good when we can be thankful for what we have had in life rather that concentrate on what we didnt.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I doubt very much that I will ever marry again, I would consider living with someone though but I'm through with marriage, unless of course Mrs Ralf pulls her finger out and demonstrates a willingness to buck her ideas up, but right now there is more chance of me hopping in to the sack with Nicole Kidman than us both reconciling.

As you know there has been no mention of the D word between us, however I am on my guard because July next year will be 2 years apart if things stay as they are and she can file then I believe, however I wont rise to the bait and as things currently stand I would definitely hold out for the 5 year deadline at least.

I am glad that I didnt feel that way or I would have missed out on marriage to my wonderful husband(10 years tomorrow). Whether you had married your wife or not, the pain would have been the same when it ended.
What would it achieve for you to make her wait 3 more years? It would leave you both trapped in a marriage that isnt a marriage, and I cant see how that would benefit either of you.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I doubt very much that I will ever marry again, I would consider living with someone though but I'm through with marriage, unless of course Mrs Ralf pulls her finger out and demonstrates a willingness to buck her ideas up, but right now there is more chance of me hopping in to the sack with Nicole Kidman than us both reconciling.

As you know there has been no mention of the D word between us, however I am on my guard because July next year will be 2 years apart if things stay as they are and she can file then I believe, however I wont rise to the bait and as things currently stand I would definitely hold out for the 5 year deadline at least.

We can't stretch it out to five years where I am.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by chosen

I am glad that I didnt feel that way or I would have missed out on marriage to my wonderful husband(10 years tomorrow). Whether you had married your wife or not, the pain would have been the same when it ended.
What would it achieve for you to make her wait 3 more years? It would leave you both trapped in a marriage that isnt a marriage, and I cant see how that would benefit either of you.

Happy anniversary!

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

I am glad that I didnt feel that way or I would have missed out on marriage to my wonderful husband(10 years tomorrow). Whether you had married your wife or not, the pain would have been the same when it ended.
What would it achieve for you to make her wait 3 more years? It would leave you both trapped in a marriage that isnt a marriage, and I cant see how that would benefit either of you.

Because I don't like having my hand forced by anyone in any way and I neither want, agree with, or approve of any aspect of this situation, but you make it sound inevitable that our marriage was destined to end and nothing could be further from the truth, not so long ago we were very happy and very much in love, also, I most certainly don't feel trapped in any way, I cant speak for her but I'm hardly Charles Manson and she knows in all the time we have been together that I have been a totally loving, caring, loyal and trust worthy husband who never said or did anything to harm her in any way, the first type of direct action I took against her was changing the locks last summer, and I even hated doing that and even to this day it still doesn't sit comfortably with me and I wish I hadn't been put in that position, but she had made her decision and I had to protect my interests, but I still feel a deep sense of remorse about doing that, but where needs must.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Because I don't like having my hand forced by anyone in any way and I neither want, agree with, or approve of any aspect of this situation, but you make it sound inevitable that our marriage was destined to end and nothing could be further from the truth, not so long ago we were very happy and very much in love, also, I most certainly don't feel trapped in any way, I cant speak for her but I'm hardly Charles Manson and she knows in all the time we have been together that I have been a totally loving, caring, loyal and trust worthy husband who never said or did anything to harm her in any way, the first type of direct action I took against her was changing the locks last summer, and I even hated doing that and even to this day it still doesn't sit comfortably with me and I wish I hadn't been put in that position, but she had made her decision and I had to protect my interests, but I still feel a deep sense of remorse about doing that, but where needs must.

It wouldnt be forcing your hand, but ending what has already ended anyway. Nothing is inevitable, but after 18 months I think you have to accept what is, and staying legally married when the marriage is no more, is surely pointless?.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Happy anniversary!

Thank you. Its gone so fast.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

We can't stretch it out to five years where I am.

No, it does seem silly to be honest. I am sure that people know after 2 years if the marriage is over.
Here you can divorce immediately for unreasonable behaviour, (which can be more or less anything, doesnt have to be that serious), or after 2 years separation if both agree, but if only one wants the divorce they have to wait 5 years.

My husband was divorced for 'unreasonable' behaviour, (even though the things she wrote were laughable), because she didnt want to wait the 2 years as she thought she was going to marry her new man. He didn't contest it as he said that if she isn't happy and wants out then what is the point of stopping or delaying it? It would have just cost him lots of money in court and for what? By the time I divorced my ex 2 1/2 years had passed, so I did the 2 years separation thing, of course I could have done it for unreasonable behaviour earlier.