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Old 3rd August 2008, 10:39 AM   #1
Rhiannon
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2
Unhappy Need help-so sad and confused!

I'm so sorry if you've already read all my sorrows, but I think the title I gave this first didn't appeal, so I've reposted with another title as I'm so in need of help and advice. Please forgive me for the nusiance.

My husband and I have known each other since I was in my teens, and we have so much in common--shared tastes, interests, attitudes, and friends, have always had great fun together, often worked together, and had a great physical relationship. We'd both been married once before when we finally got together, but round about the birth of our first child, he started a work affair that lasted about a year--till a while after I found out about it. Since then (about 20 years), he's had two or three very minor 'flings', until just over three years ago when he started an affair with a girl at work almost 30 years younger than him. She was already (fairly recently) married (to a really sweet guy) with two small children. From everything my husband has said (as well as what I've heard from others since), it seems she went out of her way to seduce him for some weeks before he succumbed, and the affair lasted over two years. For almost a year of that time, I was questioning him about it (as it was so obvious) but he denied it entirely and carried on, despite the suffering he could see I was going through. She finally ended it--I guess when she'd had all she thought she could get out of him: plenty of money (which she probably didn't really need as she comes from a VERY wealthy background though her husband was poor, like my husband and I) and serious promotion (in fact, she now has my husband's job and he's out of work). My husband says he's always loved me and doesn't know why he's behaved the way he has, that he's sorry, he never meant to hurt me, it just happened (for over 2 years!). He says he's changed and that we should put the past behind us and get on with enjoying our lives. I think that in order to change you have to understand what you're changing, but he doesn't agree. It's over a year now since all this came out, and I'm still hurting and can't feel sure of the truth in what he says (much of which is contradictory or doesn't fit the facts). I don't feel like I did, not sure I still love him, though I still feel pretty much disconnected from everything (including myself) so I can't really be sure what I feel. The children either won't have anything to do with him or don't trust him in his relationship with me, and I just don't know what to do. Because we were so close and (since his affair ended) share so much in common, I don't want to throw away the potential for a new and better relationship with him, but it's so hard. I'd really appreciate advice and comments from others, especially anyone who's been in a similar situation--from either side.
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Old 3rd August 2008, 06:22 PM   #2
ilakatilol
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 38
Re: Need help-so sad and confused!

From my point of view I think You still love your husband.
Why do I say you still loves him?
Because you would give him chances & still is hopeful for him to change.

Like I said before... I do not understand why man is so "closed-minded" to changes (especially when they are *comfortable* in their habits) when everything on earth *evolves* for the better. My husband is stubborn like that. But I know he won't & I am tired to be the only one putting out! Sooo tired, that to be "desperately sad" at his affair will make me take that as an excuse to end it.

Difference is, I wished he had already cheated on me & I have found out. I will pack my bags & take the very next plane back to my family. He knows that I will do just that as well, knows what he's got... but he really is not the cheating type (no break there for me).

Don't you ever want that other woman to be in your shoes with your misery?
I do. I'd rather SOMEONE else have that misery than ME going through it (I am selfish that way). If (only if) I am in your shoes with a cheating husband his actions would have set me *free*.... I would just hand him happily to another to deal with HIM than HIM being MY problem (but just me).

WHY should I be the one to have to DEAL with him? Let someone else have a go at him (do his laundry, pair up his socks all over the F***ing place, find everything for him like a *FREE* maid, fetch water & beer for him like a dog, cook & clean for him, make it your hobby to clean up after HIS hobby {stinky sweat drenched clothes after every ride, skid marks on his pants}, throw out his empty beer bottles, fill up his water bottles {he be green BUT you do the work}, cover up the grill after he is done grilling, marinate the meat so he can grill, fetch the plates & seasonings, wash up the stuff he dirtied... WHILE he gets to do his hobbies {bikes, net, TV, blogs, lifestyle} etc. etc... ).

My life is choked to none but to being revolved around him. My time is all put out for his time... what am I left with? NO time! My time for my health is put out for his time for his health = NO health for me!

Why would any woman want that??? I'd say let someone else HAVE HIM!

Let another woman deal with him CHEATING! Let someone else have someone WHO is never there for them!!! I don't want that to be MY story... let someone else have that sad, miserable story. I want a happy one, a happy one worked from my own 2 hands that he cannot messed up in!

Yeah... he wants me alright. Why wouldn't he? He wants to hold it together alright... yeah he'd never give me a divorce after that 1000s times I tell him I want to... he never mentioned it back one time. HE needs me!

If your husband wants to work with this marriage... HE needs you!
If you want to work with the marriage, YOU needed him!

Me? I do not know if I need him or not?
I don't know... what if I only hated him now?
What if I feel zero, can tolerate zero more problems from him?

I don't know.
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