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Old 1st January 2016, 04:13 PM   #1
kayjay2000
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Don't know what to do

The last thing I want is to split up from my husband as I don't believe it is a Christian thing to do. However, I am now at the point where I'm not sure of any other option. I don't have anyone I can talk to and I really need some Christian advice.

We have been married for 16 years and have three children. Until 9 months ago my husband had been an acoholic. He has now stopped drinking altogethet and I feel like I should be really happy. I am, but so much has happened I am finding things very hard. My husband has always had a terrible anger problem. Over 15 years I have been shouted and sworn at many times every week. One of many examples is that he threw out stuff of mine that I wanted and when I said I was upset he shouted and swore at me very agressively telling me how everything was my fault and how I don't think about how he is feeling. Everything always turned back to being about him.

After many years of never being able to tell anyone that I was abused and raped as a child, I managed to tell him which was the hardest thing I ever did. His response was anger at me for not telling him before and he told me that because of that I have ruined our marriage. That was 10 years ago and as far as I'm aware his thoughts are still the same.

Several years ago he would get angry with me if I spoke or tried to put my arm around him in bed, to the point where he would hit me if I did it. Although this was a long time ago I still get into bed, turn the other way and don't make any conversation. Sex never happens, partly due to this and also because I am actually really scared of doing it due to what happened when I was little. It was fine when we first got married, but then the more angry my husband became to me the less I wanted sex. I do feel bad about this and I know that my husband really hates me because of this.

He has never shown much interest in the children at all. I do pretty much everything arround the house. I don't ask for too much help as I know it will end up in him shouting moaning and getting angry.

His anger has got better over the last year as he has been taking antidepresants. However, it is still there and he gets very worked up at me and our eldest daughter. Very often I listen to him shouting at her and it is like he hates her. I can't bare to put up with that. I know it upsets her. However, many times she has told me how terrible it is that her friend's parents have split up and she would hate that to happen.

He never wants to do anything with me or the children and doesn't seem ever seem interested in anything I say.

I feel he has made a big change by giving up drinking and so I feel terrible to say to him that it's not enough. However, so much has happened, I don't enjoy being arround him walking on egg shells all the time and I want to be happy for once, but my biggest concern is doing the right thing for my children.

Has anyone got any advice?
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Old 1st January 2016, 07:51 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Don't know what to do

if he is emotionally and/or physically abusive then you need to protect yourself and your children. Maybe once you live apart you can ask him to get some help for his anger and go from there. If is wiling to have that help and also have long term marriage counseling there is hope I suppose, but you cant live with an abuser.
It may help you a lot to also get help for the past abuse and marriage situation.

My first husband was angry a lot, very inconsistent, and we too walked round on eggshells, but he never hit me. if he had I would have left immediately. I dont think I realised how much it effected me until I met my now husband. Even though he is the most laid back, patient and easy going man ever, it was still ages before I could ask him things and be honest with him, as I was still afraid of saying something that would make him angry or cause a bad reaction.

If you are suffering then so are your children. it will damage them to live with an angry abusive father. If you have a son he will grow up thinking that is the normal way for men to treat women. If daughters, they will grow up being afraid of men and thinking that its normal for men to be like that and treat them badly.

Last edited by chosen; 1st January 2016 at 08:19 PM.
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Old 2nd January 2016, 10:08 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Don't know what to do

He obviously has an anger problem. If he is a christian there is really a lot of hope for him provided that he recognises he needs help. The fact that he gave up drinking shows that he is trying to work on himself but one thing at a time. There are christian healing centers where you can go for help even to the point of dealing with a spirit of anger which this could be. Some of this could be through childhood circumstances or sometimes it can come down the family line if one of his parents were like that.

If he resents that there is no sex you need to tell him why and talk together. Does he ever say sorry when he is unfairly angry?
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Old 4th January 2016, 10:47 PM   #4
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know what to do

I think counseling is vital in this situation if you want things to get better. Marriage counseling for sure. Your eldest daughter may need some therapy, as well.

The shouting has simply got to stop. Neither you nor your children should be around that. They need to have a stable home.

Quitting drinking is great. If he could do that, there is hope he could improve his attitude, as well. But you both need to be able to communicate and live in a peaceful atmosphere. Counseling should be able to help.
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Old 5th January 2016, 01:35 PM   #5
Petra
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Re: Don't know what to do

I am sorry that you are experiencing these problems. I'ts bad enough if there is one issue but obviously you have several issues going on between you and these issues run into each other. Some time spent apart would be a good healer it would give you both time to seek help and do some deep thinking. Yes, it could go the other way and you could end up permanently apart but if the main desire to be together is there, so shall it remain. Having come from a home where my parents argued every day my advice would be to get out to give the children some harmony in their lives - they could still see their father and children do adapt quite easily.
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Old 15th January 2016, 03:46 PM   #6
drleo
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Re: Don't know what to do

you made a mistake to tell him about you being raped and abuse, you would have told him in the start not in the middle of your marriage any way you cant reverse that, so i think you man need to get some hunger management lesson because he is not angry at only you but also the kids
secondly he has installed fear in you, that why every time he is around you feel like you walking on egg shells so you need a lot of courage to uninstall this fear out of you, you need to stand up for your self every time you have an argument and i think you need to see a marriage councilor
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Old 15th January 2016, 08:52 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by drleo View Post
you made a mistake to tell him about you being raped and abuse, you would have told him in the start not in the middle of your marriage any way you cant reverse that, so i think you man need to get some hunger management lesson because he is not angry at only you but also the kids
secondly he has installed fear in you, that why every time he is around you feel like you walking on egg shells so you need a lot of courage to uninstall this fear out of you, you need to stand up for your self every time you have an argument and i think you need to see a marriage councilor
Are you serious? You have no right to tell a woman when she can disclose sexual trauma.
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Old 16th January 2016, 04:16 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Are you serious? You have no right to tell a woman when she can disclose sexual trauma.
I agree. Some people dont tell anyone till their old age, some never, they are so traumatised.
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Old 16th January 2016, 11:03 AM   #9
drleo
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Are you serious? You have no right to tell a woman when she can disclose sexual trauma.
but its better to tell in the start than to wait until we get married, to me it will be like she had doubt about my love, but due to her situation her husband is not an understanding man he solves every thing with anger, see how much damage it has contributed to her marriage, so i think it was better for her not to talk about it because she did not get what she expected.
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Old 16th January 2016, 06:08 PM   #10
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by drleo View Post
but its better to tell in the start than to wait until we get married, to me it will be like she had doubt about my love, but due to her situation her husband is not an understanding man he solves every thing with anger, see how much damage it has contributed to her marriage, so i think it was better for her not to talk about it because she did not get what she expected.
What I said still stands. I am going to respectfully disagree with you and leave it at that.
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Old 16th January 2016, 08:08 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by drleo View Post
but its better to tell in the start than to wait until we get married, to me it will be like she had doubt about my love, but due to her situation her husband is not an understanding man he solves every thing with anger, see how much damage it has contributed to her marriage, so i think it was better for her not to talk about it because she did not get what she expected.
he is clearly an angry person, and would have been angry anyway. A normal loving husband would be pleased that she was finally able to tell him and support her.
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