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Old 28th December 2015, 11:16 AM   #1
vman1977
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What to do now??

Hi
Try to make this difficult situation short as possible. My wife and i have been together for 7 years and married 5, we have 3 kids ..3, 6 and 15(step daughter) we have had problems like most couples in our relationship but a few months ago my wife decided enough was enough and told me she does not love me anymore and told me that she felt like she was going round in circles and needed to get on the straight path and our relationship was over.All her recent friends had split from there partners.I moved out end of october and she soon make changes regarding house and how she looked etc and she better off regarding financially since i left..I did the usual mistakes pleading we can work etc and the useal texts..we then begin getting on ok a few weeks after but she still made it clear that there was no us.
I decided to see a solictor to see where i stood regarding house, i knew that would upset my wife and maybe mess up my xmas with kids but felt like i had to look after myself at that point.So i told her and she reacted as i thought she would and demanded not to see her again and wanteda divorce staright away, we were back and forth with texts for a few weeks not really getting anywhere. She said she never said never to us but now she will never go back and shehas changed as a person and the kids would be happy if we seperated.I don't want a divorce cos i never was angry that she finished our relationship as it would never have made me change as a person at looked at all my wrongs in the relationship..I really do this can work but i understand i cannot make her love me again.Whilst this was going on i found out she had dated a month after the split with someone for a couple of dates.She told me she wasn't seeing him anymore but i am not enterelly sure but end of day i can't do anything about it.We agreed on a fiqure when she sells the house if i give her the divorce asap as she wants a clean break and eventually move on..A couple of weeks i sent her an email asking her to reconsider the divorce for at least 6 months as people and feelings do change and i want to consider the kids.She is niave to think the kids are happier as i have my 6 year old asking me to come home every week.Regards to kids i have never used them as pawns if anything we have got closer as mum is working long hours and not spending much time with the boys.Also in the email i also said if she still wants the divorce asap i will sign it and could we just get along for xmas for kids sake and talk about it after xmas. Anyway a few days before xmas we embraced in a hug and told each other we missed each other( even though my "i miss you" is different to hers)
We had a lovely xmas day even though i had to leave in the afternoon and got a message later from her "This morning has been lovely please don't underestimate how hard it was you leaving"
Another false hope. anyway so since then we have got on well in each others company( she even added me back to whatsapp after deleting me. My problem now is shall i give her space now like she asked for a while ago, limited contact just discuss kids and get on with my life too ( i did write a short letter explaining i had a lovely xmas and i was sorry for everything that happend a few months ago and i shoud repect her decison to give her space and if she still wants a divorce i will sign it) I haven't giving her the letter..Do i? Or shall i just play it cool and drop kids off and keep it friendly and see what happens? I am not mentioning anything about us anymore etc ....Is my relationship dead? Do you think i can stop divorce?? Help anyone just some insight be great.
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Old 28th December 2015, 02:53 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: What to do now??

If she divorces you then you have no choice, but if its up to you, dont persue it. Dont in anyway blame yourself for going to a lawyer, she was the one who wanted to separate, not you.
Would she agree to go to marriage counseling? It does seem so tragic for the children to end the marriage over nothing very serious. Unless she has someone else(is that possible?) why end it?
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Old 28th December 2015, 03:46 PM   #3
vman1977
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Re: What to do now??

Hi, she wants the divorce not me, she decided our relationship of many years of trying is over.She won't go to a marriage councilor as she says there is nothing that can fix how she feels.
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Old 28th December 2015, 04:36 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: What to do now??

Quote:
Originally Posted by vman1977 View Post
Hi, she wants the divorce not me, she decided our relationship of many years of trying is over.She won't go to a marriage councilor as she says there is nothing that can fix how she feels.
what are the problems as she sees them.
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Old 28th December 2015, 06:52 PM   #5
vman1977
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Re: What to do now??

Just disagrements and many things to be honest, the fact she has fell out of love with me and the attraction has gone hasn't helped.
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Old 28th December 2015, 07:32 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: What to do now??

Quote:
Originally Posted by vman1977 View Post
Just disagrements and many things to be honest, the fact she has fell out of love with me and the attraction has gone hasn't helped.
Do you think that there is someone else? Often when a spouse says they have fallen out of love and there is no longer any attraction they have someone else. You have only been married 5 years, its hard to see that the attraction would have gone that quickly in normal circumstances.

She clearly doesnt believe in the promises she made so recently, nor in putting her children before herself. Its sad because she may well end up married many more times if she gives up at the first problem, and presumably she has been married or in a serious relationship already with the much older daughter.

The children wont be happier, that is a lie she is telling herself.
Sadly I think you have married a lady who isnt prepared to keep her vows for better or for worse, and jumps ship at the first sign of trouble. No commitment of faithfulness.
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Old 28th December 2015, 07:41 PM   #7
vman1977
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Re: What to do now??

No i am pretty sure there is no one else, she just had enough of going round in circles..She has new friends that she met a year ago that have all split with the other halfs and maybe thats the flavour of the month right now.
She is finacially better off with out me now due to benefits increased and child maintinence money off me..Her mum is very close to her so she has someone by her side all times.Regards to older child , she left him before the child was born so she has never met her dad.Feels like i am sticking up for her most of the time..
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Old 28th December 2015, 09:14 PM   #8
Lindentree1
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Re: What to do now??

You've known this woman for seven years. Forget the letter, forget all the games the internet tells you to play. Sit down with her face to face and ask her what she truly wants. If she still wants a divorce--give it to her. Don't dangle at the end of her string. If she wants it to work, great, but no mixed messages. She's known you long enough to be honest and tell you what she wants. If you have no chance it's best to know that so you can get on with your life. Better to know all the facts now than drag it out and hurt even more--that has been my experience, anyway.

Best of luck to you. Let us know what happens.
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Old 28th December 2015, 11:32 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: What to do now??

hope she will make the effort to get work rather than live on benefits. Does annoy me that she is happy she is better off, but its the rest of us who are paying financially for her bad behaviour in deeply hurting you and the children by leaving the marriage for no reason.
She is clearly very easily led by her now single friends and also immature and selfish.
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Old 29th December 2015, 06:20 PM   #10
vman1977
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Re: What to do now??

I won't be able to say what I want to her face so going to write a letter along those lines. Telling her this is my last chance of saving marriage and to think about it before you decide on divorce, I will be getting on with my life while she decides as I could be waiting a while. But if she really wants divorce then I will give it to her and won't bother with any of this anymore. Regarding her benefits, she works part time so earns that wage on top of everything else and my money for kids too.. She has her reasons why not to come back and I. Don't blame her, I'm not offering her the old relationship, I'm offering her to slowly get to know me again and see how much I've changed. And hopefully start a new one. Long shot but it's my last shot.
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Old 29th December 2015, 09:45 PM   #11
Lindentree1
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Re: What to do now??

Good luck, vman. I sincerely hope you and your wife can make it work.
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Old 30th December 2015, 09:21 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: What to do now??

Its worth a try isnt it.
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Old 30th December 2015, 01:48 PM   #13
vman1977
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Re: What to do now??

Cheers guys..Nothing to lose, if she still want a divorce then it wasn't to be...but the letter was more for me to move on and not keep falling for her or give myself any false hopes.
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Old 16th January 2016, 12:35 PM   #14
drleo
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Re: What to do now??

you know what just keep every thing as it is right now don't force any thing ,don't be pushy, am sure she is discovering how import you a in her life, as time goes on she will be missing you so much, so just be a man and play it cool like you said, you don't need to give her any space play it like your doing it now because you know her best, you know what hurts her and what makes her happy.
and am sure non of you wants a divorce, your all using it to hurt each other and i don't think you will divorce. or you can get help here drleo.co.za/african-stop-divorce-spell.html after every thing you try has failed

Last edited by drleo; 16th January 2016 at 01:08 PM.
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