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Old 12th October 2015, 10:13 AM   #1936
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Thanks DC, as ever you have given excellent advice, coincidentally I woke up thinking almost this very thing, I am going to start working on it this evening and will send it later this week, but not today as I don't know many people that function on full power on a Monday, btw, Ireland lost 2-1 and haven't qualified automatically for Euro 2016 dang, dang, and double dang again.
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Old 13th October 2015, 08:51 PM   #1937
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Have you done anything towards this letter/email?

Did you see that Dr Foster series that has just finished? It was about the terrible emotional effects that a mans affair and marriage ending had on his wife and child, and I thought of you.I know that you wife didnt have an affair, but she still betrayed you and abandoned you, and the emotional effect was terrible.
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Old 14th October 2015, 10:30 AM   #1938
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Have you done anything towards this letter/email?

Did you see that Dr Foster series that has just finished? It was about the terrible emotional effects that a mans affair and marriage ending had on his wife and child, and I thought of you.I know that you wife didnt have an affair, but she still betrayed you and abandoned you, and the emotional effect was terrible.
Hi Chosen thank you for caring enough to prompt me, yes I saw the programme advertised but didn't watch it, it's not my sort of thing really, I haven't written the e-mail yet because for one of the first times in my adult life I don't really know what to say, I am actually stuck for words on this occasion and that doesn't happen very often, please could you offer me some ideas from a female point of view ?, if so you can either post them on this thread or if you prefer to be more discreet then you can PM them to me, either is fine by me as I would really appreciate the help.
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Old 14th October 2015, 01:35 PM   #1939
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

If it were me I would say something like,

Its now been 14 months since you left, we have had no contact for sometime, and I was wondering what you future plans are re the marriage.
I still miss you, I would still love to get back together, and I still think it would be a terrible waste of a good happy marriage if we never get back together.

I appreciate that I must accept your decision if you still feel the same way, even though I will never understand it or how you could abandon what we had.

I would appreciate it if you came back to me about this and let me know what is in your mind and heart. I would prefer to meet but I cant see you agreeing to that, so this is the next best thing.

Thank you in anticipation of your reply.


Ralf, I have been thinking about all this, and to be honest, if she doesnt intend to ever return, she is being cruel by not ending it legally. The way thing are now you are married but not married, in limbo, and she needs to have the guts to end it properly to set you free if she still feels the same way.
At least then in time you have a hope for a new life and maybe even a new relationship with a nice lady.
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Old 14th October 2015, 02:30 PM   #1940
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
If it were me I would say something like,

Its now been 14 months since you left, we have had no contact for sometime, and I was wondering what you future plans are re the marriage.
I still miss you, I would still love to get back together, and I still think it would be a terrible waste of a good happy marriage if we never get back together.

I appreciate that I must accept your decision if you still feel the same way, even though I will never understand it or how you could abandon what we had.

I would appreciate it if you came back to me about this and let me know what is in your mind and heart. I would prefer to meet but I cant see you agreeing to that, so this is the next best thing.

Thank you in anticipation of your reply.


Ralf, I have been thinking about all this, and to be honest, if she doesnt intend to ever return, she is being cruel by not ending it legally. The way thing are now you are married but not married, in limbo, and she needs to have the guts to end it properly to set you free if she still feels the same way.
At least then in time you have a hope for a new life and maybe even a new relationship with a nice lady.
Thanks DC your post has finally given me a template to work around, I will take a proper look at it this evening ad start work on my e-mail, I would prefer to hand write it really but the middle finger on my right hand keeps swelling up and my hand writing is not too good at the moment so I will have to email her.

With regards a legal ending then it is one of the last things on my mind at the moment, I detect the high levels of stress that both our dear friends NDY & LDT are going through regarding such matters, and I really don't feel any where near strong enough to contemplate even starting such action, obviously I don't want this marriage to end but I have no say in that, my ultimate goal is for us to reconcile and re-build this current marriage, but as much as much as I hate to think about it I will one day very soon have to face the probable reality that this marriage is probably over for good as there is only so much energy one can waste on flogging a dead horse and getting no where, like a hamster in a wheel just going round in circles not getting any where, that said I know that I would find it extremely difficult to ever be in the position whereby I would have to refer to the love of my life as my ex-wife.

With regards new relationships then I have already joined 2 on-line websites but I am only seeking female friendship at this stage nothing more, but you are correct that I would very much like a nice new lady in my life and see how it goes, and if it became something else then so be it but at this difficult time in my life the way I feel is that I will never re-marry, I would in due course consider dating with a view to establishing a new relationship, I would also consider living with someone, but I cant consider re-marrying.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 14th October 2015 at 03:44 PM.
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Old 14th October 2015, 07:20 PM   #1941
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

So its ok to live with someone but not marry them? Why is that?

I wasnt suggesting that you end the marriage but that she should. She is the one who walked out and seemingly doesnt want to ever come back so she should be the one to end it.
It would give you closure and a divorce doesnt have to be complicated. You dont have children and she has already said that the house is yours, so all you would need to do is fill a few forms in.
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Old 14th October 2015, 07:20 PM   #1942
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Good luck with your email, Ralf. Let us know how it all goes.
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Old 14th October 2015, 07:28 PM   #1943
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Good luck with your email, Ralf. Let us know how it all goes.
Grazzi LDT I will
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Old 14th October 2015, 07:34 PM   #1944
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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So its ok to live with someone but not marry them? Why is that?
.
Simple, I don't ever want to marry again and neither do I believe in divorce for divorce sake, also our wedding day was simply stunning and perfect in every possible way and nothing will ever surpass that.
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Old 14th October 2015, 09:12 PM   #1945
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Simple, I don't ever want to marry again and neither do I believe in divorce for divorce sake, also our wedding day was simply stunning and perfect in every possible way and nothing will ever surpass that.

When a couple live apart its not really a marriage is it. As for marriage, you may feel differently in a few years, far better than living with someone while still legally married to another.
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Old 15th October 2015, 10:15 AM   #1946
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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When a couple live apart its not really a marriage is it. As for marriage, you may feel differently in a few years, far better than living with someone while still legally married to another.
Well we are married but separated same as LDT & NDY and their respective spouses, with regards any future relationships well that is pie in the sky at the moment and most certainly not even barely on my mind, I need to get both my mental and physical health sorted out first, thankfully at long last my GP has written to my specialist asking him to eventually start treating me with medication for my arthritis, I was diagnosed March 2014 and at last they are doing something about it but only after me pestering them, so that is a definite positive for me.
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Old 15th October 2015, 01:45 PM   #1947
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Well we are married but separated same as LDT & NDY and their respective spouses, with regards any future relationships well that is pie in the sky at the moment and most certainly not even barely on my mind, I need to get both my mental and physical health sorted out first, thankfully at long last my GP has written to my specialist asking him to eventually start treating me with medication for my arthritis, I was diagnosed March 2014 and at last they are doing something about it but only after me pestering them, so that is a definite positive for me.
I have arthritis in my hands, fingers, hips, knees and feet and about a year ago was told about Cetyl pure by an American I know. They have definitely helped the pain. You have to get them on line.
Yes I understand re the new relationship, it was 4 years before I was ready to think about a new man and 2 more years before I met my husband.
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Old 15th October 2015, 02:06 PM   #1948
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I have arthritis in my hands, fingers, hips, knees and feet and about a year ago was told about Cetyl pure by an American I know. They have definitely helped the pain. You have to get them on line.
Yes I understand re the new relationship, it was 4 years before I was ready to think about a new man and 2 more years before I met my husband.
I know what you mean, I am no where close to wanting to meet a new man either , I haven't heard of Cetly pure and I need to be very careful what meds I take in case they interact in any way with my anti-coagulant which of course I take for life now, my GP has asked my specialist tat the hospital to trial me on either Sulphasalazine or Methotrtrexate to see how I go, (I am sure the latter is one of the Greek Isles).
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Old 15th October 2015, 03:52 PM   #1949
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I don't know why but she and this situation is increasingly on my mind today and it is making me feel very stressed and anxious, it's almost as if it is haunting me, I hate being in this office now I used to really love it and I also knew that in around 90 minutes or so she would be home and we would have the evening together, today I haven't seen anyone at all to talk to and I doubt I will either, I guess that I'm just very hurt and lonely, I miss what was, and I miss what we shared together, now I know I'm alone in the world with hardly anyone to turn to or rely upon, I wish my mum and dad were still here.
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Old 15th October 2015, 04:01 PM   #1950
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I know what you mean, I am no where close to wanting to meet a new man either , I haven't heard of Cetly pure and I need to be very careful what meds I take in case they interact in any way with my anti-coagulant which of course I take for life now, my GP has asked my specialist tat the hospital to trial me on either Sulphasalazine or Methotrtrexate to see how I go, (I am sure the latter is one of the Greek Isles).
its not a drug.
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