Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed - Page 32 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

chosen · 27th November 2014, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Thanks Ronnocco as I have said previously I know your correct I just need to balance it all out I cant just jump in to a new mind set especially with my new medication but I do want my pressies good grief I have had little or nothing to smile about or look forward to this past few months and she owes me big time, but she has mailed me this morning asking if we can go through our wedding box of items from our wedding day this evening, as with most things these days I don't know what to make of it, probably worthless to be honest just another form of breadcrumbs I suppose,

Good grief ralf, that will help the situation-not. If she wants to look through it then let her take it away and do so in her own home. Is she deliberately trying to make thing hard for you, or has she really not got a clue what this sort of thing does to you? All the more reason to begin that NC and taking back control of your life. You need to protect your mental health here and this sort of thing isnt helping you at all.

ralfgarnett · 27th November 2014, 07:05 PM

I have decided to start NC as from now I suppose, thing is I'm no good at things like that don't know how to get through it, the fuuny thing was when she came round she said she would like to bring her mum out on my birthday " after all she has been you M-I-L this past 20 years no way I said if we go then it will be just the 2 of us that's if we go now because I am thinking about sacking it off and just not bothering with it, instead I am hoping to book another 5 days break with my good chum to somewhere warm instead, he's up for it, if I go to Spain or Portgual chosen please may I play whoopee with some sultry senoritas ?

chosen · 27th November 2014, 09:50 PM

Well ralf that up to you but wouldnt advise it:-) Good for you to go somewhere warm and sunny though. Did I mention that you should take vit d suppliments? Vit d tends to get lower in the body when the sky is darker, and you may find it helps you.

What happened this evening about the marriage stuff?

All you have to do is not have any contact IE don't answer calls don't read or answer texts, and don't meet up in person. Maybe tell her that if she is ever interested in getting back together she knows where you are.

ralfgarnett · 29th November 2014, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

Well ralf that up to you but wouldnt advise it:-) Good for you to go somewhere warm and sunny though. Did I mention that you should take vit d suppliments? Vit d tends to get lower in the body when the sky is darker, and you may find it helps you.

What happened this evening about the marriage stuff?

All you have to do is not have any contact IE don't answer calls don't read or answer texts, and don't meet up in person. Maybe tell her that if she is ever interested in getting back together she knows where you are.

I just don't want o talk to her in any way, I just want to forget about her and not hear from her ever again unless of course she has something worthwhile to say, I don't want to hear or see her on my birday or at csmas she can stand at the door begging to come in to see my kittys but the answer is no unless he wants to try again, the more I think about the way she has treted me the more I could punch her in the gob for the pain and hurt she has cuased to me for no good reason as far as im concerned she is dead I don't want anything to do with any of her family either, good grief whats happening to me I am saying these things and not crying or feeling down or angry could I be healing or is it my new meds that are helpimg me ?

chosen · 29th November 2014, 10:41 PM

Well tell her all that and leave it there.

ralfgarnett · 30th November 2014, 12:13 PM

Also, I know for certain that she wants to come round on my birday next week and xmas day, but what do I do when she rings to arrange the visit do I just say that she's not welcome or I don't want to see her, or that its not convenient or ive changed my mind, I don't really know how to handle that situation, I don't want to be rude or nasty but I want to stick to NC the best that I can in order for me to heal and also in the feint hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder not that I hold out much chance of that either short or long term but hope springs eternal and yes I would be lying if I said I wouldn't welcome a 2nd chance as I didn't deserve to have been cheated out of my marriage, as I said I don't want to be a tw-t about it she is a nice person with a good heart, ok she has hurt me like hell but I still care for her a hell of a lot and I know she cares about me too, so I am thinking firm but fare, but also I know I won't see anyone on those 2 days and its the loneliness that really gets to me am I cutting off my nose to spite my face by not seeing her on those 2 days ?, I think I have the guts to see them through without her but not totally 100% certain about it though, and I have had a bad time emotionally just recently with depression because of all this I don't want to make myself ill again, please advise anyone I am getting a bit confused.

chosen · 30th November 2014, 02:22 PM

Didnt you say that your vicar has asked you to his house Christmas day? On your birthday how about you book to see a play or a good film, or ask your mate out somewhere?

I wouldnt wait till she contacts you, I would email her and tell her what you are doing and why. She MAY think she is being kind by seeing you on those days, but she isnt, its all just prolonging the agony. If she isnt coming back and refuses to be a wife any more, they she should at least let you go so that you can begin to heal and move on.

ronnoco · 30th November 2014, 04:10 PM

I was going to say the same as Chosen. I remember you saying the vicar had invited you round. Christmas is sorted and i'm sure your good buddy would go out for a meal and a few beers with you on your Birthday.

I know you feel sorry for yourself Ralf and I do totally understand why but you need to break this cycle.

As for what to say. Simple, e-mail and say "I'm sorry but I think it would be for the best for me if we cut all contact starting immediately. I need to think of my own well being and future now (get the wood future in there) Seeing you on my birthday and Christmas would also be too much for much"

It would be too much to see her. You'll have a nice time then she'll leave, and you'll be sobbing your eyes out. Take a hit on the present, it'll be worth it - trust me.

If you re read, you will find some fantastic suggestions of things you can do to re discover yourself again. You have to choose to move on and make those changes.

ralfgarnett · 30th November 2014, 04:47 PM

The night before my birday me and 2 of my mates are going for a curry, the night of my birday me and 2 mates are going for a pint or two in a local pub so that's sorted out, as for xmas day I have today arranged to meet up with my good mate for a couple of beers at lunchtime, I have decided that I cant go to my friend the vicars xmas dinner as he has now moved it from the rectory to the church that we got married in so I cant go now it would be too painful for me, I hate what Christmas has become anyway so the sooner its over the better for me, at the end of the day that's all it is it's just another day to get through, with regards NYE then I will have an early night.

Ps,
4 days NC and not felt the urge to either

5 days NC no urge

ralfgarnett · 4th December 2014, 07:29 PM

Ok she contacted me this morning wants to come round over the weekend to see us for an hour probably with a bag of breadcrumbs for me, I haven't had any contact with her for over a week now and I don't want to break my NC but not sure if I should reply and say its not convenient or just ignore her, and she wants to take me out for lunch next week for my birday thinking about just ignoring that too even though it would mean some company on my birthday I am prepared to not contact her for the good of the NC long haul please can somebody advise as feeling a bit confused and worried that I will be forced in to breaking NC and at the end of the day NC = NC.

chosen · 4th December 2014, 07:59 PM

As you say ralf, NC is NC. I honestly think you have to keep to it for your sake. However sending her a short email or text to say that you dont want any more contact unless she wants to come back, because you feel the time has come for you to move on, will at least enable her to know where you stand and stop her contacting you any more. You never know, it may just shock her enough to make her rethink the future.

ralfgarnett · 4th December 2014, 09:52 PM

Its a gamble Chosen, as you know I am half Maltese half Irish. mela bil Malti nofs u nofs, both nationalities are very keen gamblers on the horses, but guess what I wouldn't even know how to fill out a betting slip, in the Grand National when we all have a bet my horse always ends up running around the car park or something, what im saying is although you may well be correct I am not at the emotionally strong stage that I can be handing out ultimatums even though I have nothing to lose of course, as you know I will be away as from next weekend and I need to go on that trip with my own mindset without too many worries, I must say though that I like your idea and I will certainly think about using that in the next few weeks after my next holida, for now I think I will do to her exactly what she did to me the first 2 weeks after she left and that is to ignore her completely and let her worry about us if she sees fit to of course.

chosen · 5th December 2014, 06:07 AM

OK but if that is what you plan, then dont reply or respond no matter what, but of course she may end up turning up at your door, so you need to decide what you will do if that happens. I dont understand why it is an ultimatum, its merely politely telling her why you are not, and will not be, responding, which to me seems like the right thing to do.

ralfgarnett · 5th December 2014, 09:15 AM

Hi Chosen this bit is the ultimatum bit

"dont want any more contact unless she wants to come back",

I don't feel emotionally strong enough at the moment to say anything like that, I know its the correct thing to do but its maybe something for the NY after I have got through the next few weeks which I want to do as stress free as I possibly can without being confrontational with anyone especially my wife wife whom I loved and cherished so very much until she treated me so badly and turned my life upside down for no good reason at all.

ronnoco · 5th December 2014, 11:09 AM

Then just reply saying "for now, I think it would be best if we didn't see each other. I must think of my own well being and start making a new life for myself. Contact with you is just making it harder - sorry"

There you go, nice and polite and straight to the point.

I can't see how you can continue to be all friendly, go out for dinners, exchange gifts, visit the cats, etc when she's put you through utter hell. How can that possibly work?

You need to cut her out and hope that she realises what she is going to loose.