trust and honesty

My problem is this, my wife went away for a hen weekend and when she came back I saw the brides pics, which included two of my wife with this guy with his arms around her, this is the guy she met on the Friday night, who is 17 years younger than me, 6'2 and goodlooking and had chatted her up, she told me this on the sat morning, I said why would he not chat u up..lol, I have always trusted my wife, we have been together for 15 years and have two children, she has never given me any reason to beleive otherwise, in fact she is more of an ice queen when it comes to men chatting her up. The pics were taken on the sat night. I pionted out to my wife I was unhappy about the pictures because of the closeness, she told me not to be silly. Okay I said lets look at the pics together and maybe you will see it from my piont of view, this was on the monday morning. Tuesday past no pic, wed past no pics , thursday I went and got the pics...she still thought I was being foolish. On the Friday I blow my top and she admited that she did kiss the guy..but thats all. My big problem is that I seem to be unable to get over the fact that given lots of opportinites to tell the trurth she did not, now I live in a world of not trusting my wife, living in turmoil of what really happened, it seems for us to survive I have to be the one to put it all behind me and move on, I did nothing wrong..yet I have to be the one to forget about how it makes me feel. We have planned to see a counseller, but I think it will be the same. I will be told, that I have to beleive what my wife is telling me and accept it and move on if I want to save my marriage. To give you an idea of why I find it all so hard...I know the guy's age, height, were he lives, were he goes on holiday, who he goes on holiday with and why, hes engaged, has a daughter...all this from my wife...but when I asked whats his name shes says she doen't know. This is partly why I beleive she has not told the whole trurth....so any advice..

[Raymond]

Difficult one Glasboy. What you have going for you is this is not her normal behaviour. Is this why she was so embarrassed about it and would not reveal everything immediately? Obviously it would never have gone anywhere. The guys engaged and has a child. Perhaps there was an atmosphere at this gathering which gave rise to this sort of thing and she unwisely entered into it. I don't think it is a thing to end your marriage for. She obviously knows it wasn't right or she wouldn't try to hide it. Nevertheless it was a thing of the moment and no doubt you have let her know how you felt about it. You really have to talk to her about how you feel. It was wrong of her but I don't think it is marriage threatening. Trust was broken a bit and it will take time to restore. That is only natural. If she is now how she was before, the trust will build up again. It doesn't sound as if this is going to be her normal behaviour. It was a slip in an atmosphere conducive to it. She was flattered no doubt but wrong to allow it. I think if you let her know without a doubt how you felt then there is a place for moving on and putting it behind you. She has to be careful in what type of people she mixes with.

Raymond

Thanks Raymond. Sound advice I know, if only I could beleive that she has told the whole trurth, I know I should beleive her when she says nothing else happened but I am finding it extermly difficult to move past that given the opportinity to tell the trurth over 4 days she kept on lying, and when she did admit, did she admit the whole trurth. I also know that over 15 years she has never given me any reason to doubt her, ever. Is this what makes it so hard?

[Bob Pure]

Hi Glasboy

In my experience of marriages, spouses are far too trusting of situations that can easily run out of control.

Few people set out with an intention of committing adultery but a failure to protect their weaknesses can lead them into affairs.

Hen nights, especially those with both sexes there without spouses are minefields IME : alcohol, pack mentality, lowered inhibitions, firtation....can lead to what you describe with your wife and worse.

Again in my experience I doubt that your wife has told you the full truth. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing.

It will be difficult to find out more with your wife so dismissive and defensive, but you should try from other sources.

Explain to your W that she has broken your trust and needs to win it back through ongoing transparency. She will likely hate this and rage against it, but trust me it is an absolute foundation of a secure marriage going forward.

all blessings

Thanks Bob, you and Raymond have covered the both issues which cause me such pain, my wife claims to have delivered complete tranparency, but I just find it so hard to beleive I have been told all. I don't have the opportinity to try other sources as it was a girls weekend away. How am I to move foward when I beleive deep down inside that I have not been told the whole trurth. I am honest the thought that she might have slept with the guy is not the issue, cause I beleive she did. I am over that part. Its that not being upfront and honest part I am really finding difficult with. Do I trust her now? The honest answer is no. I would love to here a female view of this issue..any girls willing to add a comment?

[Bob Pure]

Glasboy I'm not female ( Very!) but I will say that the way I got this effected in my marriage was by effecting personal boundaries.

I realised that I required minimum behaviour from my wife in order for me to remain committed to working on a marriage with her.

Transparency was one.

Work out what your personal boundaries are regarding your wife - the basic mandatory behaviours you require from your W in order to feel respected and willing to invest in your M.

Post them here.

All blessings

[Raymond]

I think Bob has a point. I am surprised glasboy that you think she might have slept with this fellow. I didn't think it was anything near as serious as that. If that is the case it puts a whole new light on it. I was just treating it as a kiss, especially in view of her past behaviour. If you really believe that, no wonder you think you cannot trust her now. No doubt the ripples will be felt in your marriage and the truth must out in the end. Knowing her so long will help you in knowing when she is lying or not. Adultery is quite a serious thing and I hope that is not the case. Everything really depends on what the truth actually is and it is hard to move forward without that. There is a possibility that you have heard the whole truth but your suspicions are aroused because it wasn't volunteered. I don't really know how you can find out unless she really opens up about it.

Raymond

Their in lies the problem, my wife says she has told me everything, why is it deep down in my heart I know that she is not telling all, is it because I have been with her for 15 years? and no her well. As I said my real issue is not so much the sex part (that may seem strange I know) but that she is unable to be completely honest. However on top of that what if she is being completely honest and all is was a kis...even as I right this I just no that is not the trurth...deep down in my soul..when you see a pic of your wife in the arms of another man, not her normal behaviour, ever, I just know that their was more to it than just a kiss at the end of the night...the pain and misery I feel is like nothing ever felt before...the urge to move on and be happy again is strong, although I am finding it difficult to beleive it will be with my wife, yes I love her and still want to spend the rest of my life with her, but for me trurth and honesty are everything and it has been broken and smashed..how do you move on? Do you accept that it was a one off and try and put it behind you? I just don't think I can, everything that happens is now tainted with distrust.

[Raymond]

You really have to let your wife know how you feel Glasboy.

Theres no other way I can see at the moment. Tell her how how it is affecting you, which is perfectly understandable really. You don't want this thing going on too long. You should be able to tell when she is telling the truth. It's a pity you had to get it out of her in the first place as it wasn't volunteered which is making you wonder how much more there is. This thing will be affecting your relationship already and if she has any feelings she will know that it is, so you really must talk to her. You could commend her for keeping faithful so far but this thing you are not happy about. I don't think calling her a liar will help but nevertheless you have to try and get to the bottom of it. It is much better she volunteers it if she hasn't already as you want to trust her. See how you get on.

Raymond

[Bob Pure]

Glasboy, raymond is exactly right. You must share with your wife how you feel.

She must know that she doesn't get to choose how her actions and words are received by you, and that her actions at this party, the dismissive way she treated your concerns and the non-transparent manner she revealed her version of events have only served to break your trust and hurt you.

It doesn't matter at all if she thinks you SHOULD be hurt in this way or not. You are.

Tell her this. Ask her to reveal everything that happened in tiny detail until you shout "stop".
If she won't ask her why not.

All blessings

[val100]

Hen nights and stag nights???
I have been on some really mad hen nights and have seen men flock over and I have seen women enter the banter but honestly i have never seen anybody do anything.

when you say kissed was it a long passionate kiss or a peak?

If you think i am being flippant about it i am truly not I am just trying out how the kiss happened and what it meant.

What i do see on hen nights is women having all the confidence because they are away they are in a group and they feel safe. Alcohol and madness.

I also know of stag nights where there is men doing really mature and fun things but my H went on one and was horrified how many married men went off with other women he said it was like they had a free ticket to cheat because they were on a stag.

No one here has the right to say to you that they doubt it was just a kiss or that she is telling you the truth.
Nobody should say that all it does is make it impossible for you to believe her.
I feel that photos being so freely available for you to see are not a lady hiding her actions.

who knows what happened, you may never know. Do you want to believe her?

My sister and I were out on a huge family night and there are photos of the two of us with a guy. they were really funny everybody saw them. We had been drinking we were in a group and we knew that we were ok as we had people that meant a lot to us there knowing it was very innocent. (i am by passing the story of why we had our arms around him because it isn't important, it was 100% innocent and not at all sexual, there was no kiss or any suggestions of one, my sister is married 20yrs)
do you see what i am saying?
On principal we had no business with our arms around this guy, your wife had no business kissing him in any manner and on principal she had no business in his company.

can you explain to her that you are hurt, tell her that it is irrelevant what she feels about your feelings her job is to acknowledge that you are hurt and her behaviour was inappropriate and it has undermined your trust with her.


You don't need to think the worst you need to look deep do you really think she did more if you do then you need to have proof. Maybe she cannot ever prove she was never with this man how do you react then.
You might actually have to let it go to save your marriage.
I wish you luck

[astarisborntoday]

Glasboy, I agree with Val100. I seriously think your wife was embarrassed about her behaviour and that's why she wasn't immediately upfront with you. Think about it, how easily would you volunteer information about yourself after doing something that you regret like kissing a woman who isn't your wife? She may have also been ashamed about the feelings of attraction she felt for him. But feeling attraction for someone and going all the way are 2 different things.

I think at the moment you will only feel relieved if she tells you that she slept with him because you've concluded that she did. It's similar to what makes interrogation victims confess sometimes to a crime they didn't commit. Their resistance is worn down because the interrogator won't believe them until they say what they want to hear.

Of course you should tell your wife how you feel even about the pictures and the kiss. Your feelings are important and they shouldn't be dismissed. But feelings and truth are 2 different things. I don't think you should condemn your wife just based on your feelings. However, I do think you should talk with her about your current emotional turmoil.

By the way, have you being making love since it happened? Sorry about the personal question, but the answer could be useful.

[PAUASH29]

Glasboy, this is going to eat you up if you let it, i have been in this situation and i patly am again, however i believe in this case that your wife has been flattered, which i have come to learn isnt a bad thing as long as it stays there, some people have to let there hair down once in a while and have a laugh taking them away from there normal daily routine, i have been married 9 years and you 15 that is long term marriage nowadays, what Val said about woman in groups is bang on, i work in a hospital and a groups of nurses can be lets say foreward, buit i have passed one the next on her own and say morning and she would just aknowledge, you might find some pier pressure from others to join in the party atmosphere.
She probably doesnt know how to handle this situation that is why shes tried to avoid confrontation, as astarisborntoday asked are you both making love, how is your social life together curiously how old are you both.
I fthe truth is not what you want to hear then brace yourself to be able to deal with it, however i dont think anything major happened, take her out to night and woo that woman.

Paul

[val100]

Glasboy hope all is ok let us know how things are with you.

keep smiling