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Ahhhh. I was having a good day. The kids wanted fireworks, so I asked H if he wanted to get some and bring them over. He agreed and said he would get a takeaway.

During the fire works, she was next door visiting our neighbours (we met her through them in the first place) and she kept coming out to talk to him. I just wanted us to be a family unit for the kids, everytime the kids see their dad, she appears. Afterwards I ordered dinner and asked if he would go and get it, "No, no he said I will give you the money". So I left and then thought I would just see what he was up to. He had put the kids in front of the telly and was outside laughing and joking with her. I feel so angry, towards him and her.

Anyway I got back, he scoffed his dinner down and said he had to go. I said what was the rush, and he said he didn't want to be late. Late for what I ask. Oh nothing, just don't want to be home late. It was 7.30!!

Ok, he hadn't had a drink and was getting a bit shaky. But the funny thing was, she left at the same time. I don't know if I am over reacting, or whether it was just a coinsidence.

Today is my 10 steps back!!

I don't dislike anyone, but I am starting to dislike him and her very much. I don't like feeling like this. I want to confront her, but I know that she will lie.

[val100]

Hi Julz

Ok perspective here he is no longer acting like a man that cares for his wife or kids.
I would sadly presume he is having an affair and if he isn't he is working on it.

HOW DARE SHE TALK TO HIM OVER THE FENCE.
lady you are gonna gave to get tough.
He is disrespecting his family and she is disrespecting you and your kids. Are you going to let them?

Put your foot down now honestly you will be way more attractive to every man including him if you stand up for yourself.

There is a risk with this one. He isn't to see the kids in your house.
I give this advice but I didn't act on it myself.
If he can treat you this badly then you have to stop it because he won't.

He may stop seeing the children and this will cut you deeper than anything else but honestly that is his choice and no matter what it isn't your job to make him a good dad.

The hardest thing in all this is seeing how awful the person you love can treat you and your kids.
He maybe in a really bad place and not care enough to see it but I promise you he will.

My H was a fool, really awful and his kids did suffer people were shocked because up until this he had been the most amazing dad.
Now we are 5/6 months into recovering our marriage and he is so guilty. Sometimes he opens up to me about it and he tells me all the rubbish that was in his head and how he regrets so much not being a good dad. Thanks to me and I make no bones in saying it because for all my faults I was a fantastic mum to them during this time and my kids are so amazing and have coped so well but in truth they didn't see have of the neglect and I made sure they never would.
Money he spent every penny on alcohol, his kids don't know that. I am sure he spent money on his new girlfriend at the time but his kids think that every penny i spent on them was added to from their dad.

Today he is ashamed and i have had to put my foot down and stop him from spoiling them so much.
We owe them love and a happy home not guilty presents. OOOPs sorry I am talking too much about me.

Julz for now work on yourself and on the kids.
For now you have lost him, accept it breath through that lose and pain.
Go NC unless you need to tell him something.
Get interested in something, When the kids are in bed watch films read books, do some baking honestly this is your time. Rediscover yourself. Look into music there is a wealth of amazing music out there stuff you didn't know exsisted.
Get organised he should take the kids every weekend, keep a journal of all your expenses and keep all your receipt then work out how much you need from him.
The best way to win him back is to let him see you don't want him.
I know the day My H realised he wanted me again. He rang me to apologise for an outburts and I said NO!
I told him I had had 15 yrs of his apologise and actually i no longer accepted them as I was no longer his wife and didn't need to. He was never going to change so I was and thanks but no more.
I said I had moved on and I was happy. I even told him i had met someone (i hadn't).
He asked if he could send me a birthday card, I said no.
I got one,exactly 8 weeks later he was begging me to move back he had to wait 3 months before I did.
He had to lose me, I had to find myself and I had to fix my kids when he saw how amazing I was, that I had stopped asking him if we could fix it
he wanted me. I knew what i was doing I knew once I was me again he would want me.
I organised day trips for ocassions (birthdays ) where he would have to come with us. I watch it eat him that i had my unit.
He needs me now.

However if it hadn't worked out it still would have hurt but I was coping I had a new life and I was enjoying it.
I would still cry but maybe twice a month instead of hourly.

I cry more now as it isn't easy fixing things but this time when I cry he is holding me.

I can't say if your marriage is going to work out, part of me feels that when you get strong you will see the years of hurt and abuse and you won't want him.
Christmas is just one day take it for now he won't be there, if he is he will be drinking and you will be hoping for something to work out. Think ahead for now and consider what your options are. don't act on it because you are still doing one day at a time. you need to have mini plans.

Keep talking

[val100]

Julz it took me a year to get tough. It is so funny that I preach this but couldn't do it myself.
I wish you luck

Hi Val. I am glad you are now getting back on track with things. It appears to be working out for you.

All has gone Pete Tong for me.

He was having youngest on Friday as he had a TD day, this has been planned for weeks. Thursday at 5pm, I get a text message asking if I can find someone else to have him, as he wanted to go out and have a few drinks. I tried calling him, no answer. He has 2 phones. I then rang his mate and asked if he was there. His reply was, didn't you know? Didn't I know what? It turns out that he had taken his lady friend to Dorset and wouldn't be back until Friday.

I was so angry, he knew he was taking her at the beginning of the week. He keeps putting everyone else first. The other thing is if he knew, why the hell didn't he say sooner so I could have sorted something?

Well, that did it for me. I feel such a fool, an idiot, a mug.

When I got home on Friday I asked him to come over. I told him that I was fed up with his lies, the fact that I had asked if he was seeing her, and that he lied about going for a drink. I told him that the word "MUG" attached to my forehead is now being pulled off.

He told me that he hadn't told me anything because it was none of my business.

I told him that I have altered the bank accounts, I now have my own, and I have taken my name off of the sole account. (It turns out he used my money to take her to Dorset).

I then said that I couldn't do all this anymore, all I asked for was honesty. He is messing mine and the kids heads up and I will not do it any longer, it is not fair on the kids. I told him it was over.

He was so shocked that I stood up to him and he nearly fell over.

He said he loved me, and that I was the only person for him, he acknowledged that I had done all he ever wanted me to do, and this still didn't make him happy. I said then I am obviously not the right person.

He left, I cried for hours. Thought I would feel better, but don't.

I think that I am secretly hoping that this will shock him so much that he gets help for his drinking and asks to come home. I love him, but I just can't find him.

I am so confused and sad.

[val100]

You have done so well, I am so proud of you.

He was shocked......Good!!!!!

Now please don't think that the light bulb goes on a quick for men as it does for us.

this could be drawn out and you need to stay tough and strong.
Feel the pain you are going through and breath through it.

it really is too early for you to take him back even if he begs you.
you haven't had enough time to process all that has happened and how badly he is treating your children.

If he was a friend you would stop hanging out with him because he treats you so badly but as a husband you somehow allow him to do this.

Believe me I did exactly the same, I always let him get away with behaving in a way that upset me or I let him verbally abuse me.
Now he knows it isn't allowed.
Recently he started his old fighting tricks and I actually went off made a cup of tea, took out my book while he shouted and spun in anger. He tried everything to get a reaction.
In the morning I calmly told him exactly what I thought of his behavior and at no point could he argue back as I had said nothing.
I told him I was ashamed of him and that for me to allow him to speak to me in such a way I was a bad mother because I was teaching my boys that it is the way to do it and my girls to accept it. He was a bad father for speaking to me in that manner with our children in the house asleep or awake.
And that I felt like white trash, I had been brought up in a very good home with fantastic parents and that I have let myself down. I DESERVE BETTER!!

well lady I am thinking that in another year his tail might actually come out from between his legs.
I stayed in my room for the day, the consequences of his actions was he had to apologise to the kids and be mother and father to them for the day.
Stay strong
get tough
be happy

Hi

I am having a really bad week. He is acting so cool, and telling people that his has left to find himself and live the bachelor life. Does this mean he dosen't love us??

My middle son is being really difficult, but when I speak to him he cries and says that it's all his dads fault. I love my boys, but the middle son is one for bottling things up, I am so worried about him.

I am still worried about Christmas, people are telling me to call the shots on when my husband sees the boys, but I don't want to upset him or the children.

I wish things would just become clearer but nothing is making sense, and I feel so miserable and that I am not in control of my situation.

Things were easy when he was here, I knew when to keep the kids out of the way, I knew the triggers that would set him off. I knew where I stood. I may have been unhappy, but I always knew the outcomes or possibilities of what may occur in certain events or situations. I now know nothing.

I feel such a failure and can't bear the thought of failing my children as well.

[Raymond]

He told me that I had ruined his life, was never a good wife and a crap mother. I have done everything for him, everything. I love my kids and they are good kids. He said some other really nasty stuff.

Hang on Julz. Do you really want to go back to the old life? He has just taken a lady on his own to Dorset with your money etc. etc. etc.

He has walked out on you remember? I wish he did give up his drink change and become who he should be for you and the children. I can't see that he is that worried about his own children. Remember all the verbal put downs you endured? Did your father ill treat you by any chance? Are you only comfortable with this? This is not good. You are worth far more than this. Learn to be comfortable with who you really are. You cannot leave an open door for abuse for your sake and the childrens.

If he wants to come back that is up to you but I wouldn't run after him as Val has said. You have to be careful that you are not going to go round in circles so don't hanker for the old life. Go for a new one ahead of you with or without him. Don't give up now.

Raymond

Hi Raymond. I know that I shouldn't settle for ill treatment, it's hard, I love my husband. Yes my father did abuse me in more ways than one, but he was not at home much, so I had a bit of respite.

I am struggling with two evils and feel that I can not win.

I am trying to stay strong and keep it together, but the constant brick wall feels too challenging.

[PAUASH29]

Julz its possibly not about winning but firstly managing the situation before you can go on to win and come out the other side, as in your case you have been managing a situation for years and your husband let you do it, do you really want this abuse, the pain, the constant feel of protecting the children emotionally, contantly being in the fight or flight mode, you have already challenged the brick wall, your on here are you not talking about your situation with people that care and although life seems like a constant battle at present it will get better and become clearer, this guy perhaps realises with reference to some of your previous posts that there is a fighter in there that is no longer going to put up with the crap, he has chosen his path Julz and one day it will hit him what have i done, its time to choose yours, its realising the time when you say enough is enough and at the age of 32 your just coming into your prime, take time Julz to peruse some of the posts you have submitted to others on this site and i think even you can say you have got the power to get through this, your advice to others is priceless.
Raymond your must be like Santa because i cant understand how you get round this whole site in one hit.

Good luck to all

Paul

[Raymond]

You've got to get away from this abuse Julz. Not necessarily him but the passive acceptance of it you seem to have within yourself. Probably your father had a bit to do with it. Your self esteem seems low and there is no reason it should be. You are a very good mother, but there is a weakness there that might accept abuse for a quite life. This could affect your children so don't settle for it. If he comes back there cannot be any abuse. Settle that in your mind. You will get free gradually if you stick to that.

Good advice Puash. Get around in one hit? You are not doing too bad yourself.

Raymond

You guys are so nice. Thank you Paul for your kind words. My problem is I love everyone and believe that everyone has the right to a chance in life. I do have some good advice, but struggle to listen to my own. Maybe it's the whole failure thing, I don't know.

Raymond, I know it is abuse, and I would love to be with my husband abuse free. He was a good man once.

I went out with a friend Friday night, only to a radio recording. He found out and sent me a text, demanding why I didn't tell him, I can only put down to him not liking the fact I actually went out. He then, phoned me up at 12.oo last night saying he was ill and needed to go to the hospital, and would I take him. He was very drunk. At first I was strong and said that I couldn't, then felt bad incase it was serious (liver disease went through my head). So me being an idiot took him. The closet hospital is 45 minutes away! The kids were at my brothers, I had to pick them up today, which is a 3 hour drive!

He was blabbering the whole time about me being the only one he trusted, bla bla. He then wouldn't get out the car as he said he just wanted to spend time with me. So I got out and went into the hospital.

We got home about 4.30 this morning, he asked if he could stay on the sofa, I said yes. (Stupid idiot). When I was heading off to bed, he asked if he could sleep next to me. I said no. A few minutes later he came up and got in. I didn't ask him to go, but I wanted him too. He knew I wouldn't.

I wish I had had the strength to tell him to either sleep down stairs or go home. I was scared, MUG slowly creeps back.

I had to leave at 7.30 this morning, niece was in a show hence the kids were at my brothers.

I know what he's doing, he can go out and have fun, see this woman, (which he is definately in a relationship with, and she says she is in love with him!!???), but me, no, I have to stay at home and wait for him. He is still trying to control me, and I let him.

Maybe it is due to my child hood, but I am not stupid, so why do I act like it??

[PAUASH29]

Julz your being sucked in however you realise he is trying to control you, some people wouldnt see that and just think that everything is ok or will be, you must be strong and make a stand because this guy will walk all over you, i realise you want your husaband back and certailny the man you married, but being realistic the way he is currently drinking etc, he obviously thinks he can go off with other woman have his fun get drunk and then come home to wifey and dominate when you can go out and who you can see, well knackers to it Julz make a stand pinch your self or something and get motivated because this guy doesnt deserve you, oh and does his bit on the side know about him stopping the other night, wonder what he told her, and can someone explain this last post before mine,

[Raymond]

Pauash has good points Julz. You seem to want him back wihout the abuse. How do you do that? Would you accept him back while he is committing adultery? There seems to be a line which you are crossing and allowing the abuse. Okay it is good to help others. You love others as yourself. As yourself means you love yourself. It doesn't mean you are against yourself. That doesn't help anyone in the world. It is an inner thing happening maybe because you have picked up that you are no good from somewhere or other, but the opposite is true. You have to silence these voices or don't believe them because they are lies. We all have a basic worth whoever we are and none of us should be downtrodden by others. It won't be helping them allowing them to do it. I think you can win that inner battle regardless of the marriage position. Sometimes a seperation is necessary for your own protection.

Raymond

I think I love others and help others, so I don't have to love and help myself. Maybe I see doing good things and being nice to others as a way of hiding what a bad person I really am. I don't want to be bad, I want to be good and I want to be loved.

I know I keep saying it, but I love the man I married. It has been a long time that we have been together, such a long time.

I am scared to find the person within me. I have had to obey and conform all of my life. If I have no one to tell me what I have to do, then I am surely lost.

Adultery. Funny word. If I was such a wonderful person, then why? Why would he go and do that?

My heart and soul is broken, yes he abused me, yes he manipulated me, yes I allowed it to happen.

I don't think that he will ever change, I think he probably manipulated me from day one. My saviour, my hero. No just an easy target, someone to control and mould. Tonight, something has changed. I can see through him, I don't like what I see. Love. A word that can mean so much to one person, but can so easily be abused by another. Is my meaning of love so wrong??

I know I am babbling, but the light has come on and blinded me. The spots in front of my eyes hurt, and the confusion is so strong. I want to cry, but have no tears, I am alone. I feel like that naughty little girl, waiting for dad to get in, scared, trembling. But you know, that little girl she used to stand so tall, arms by her side, quiet. Just behind the door, no tears. She was so brave. Now, as a grown woman, why can I not stand tall and be brave? Why?

I am tired. I am sorry, been a bad day. But writing all this helps, I think.

[PAUASH29]

Julz I find that genuinely upsetting, i really feel for you and at the moment just want to hold you and reasure you, no one should be given rights to dominate anybody, i can only assume you went through a lot as a child and i suppose this has become there later on in life, has your husband always been on this sort of level the way he is now, i wonder this because of your childhood did you naturally fall for a man of this demeaner, i dont know what to say Julz apart from its all wrong, your being blamed for something thats not your doing, why should you take on all this upset, the word yes some people use it to abuse but thats not love, Julz i have never met you, never spoken to you but yet feel the need to send you a big hug.