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Old 23rd November 2008, 03:08 AM   #16
jjjj_jjjj
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Dave,
I have to disagree with you. She has given him a lot of evidence that she is cheating( at the very least an EA). If he sits back and does nothing than he will be burned. Everything she says are signs of a guilty person, instead of defending herself she brings up things from HIS past as a means to justify what she is doing. Trust is earned not given. He has already talked to her and she continues to dismiss him. She has very little respect for him because he allows her to walk all over him.

Textdude32, If the roles were reversed would your wife be ok with it? Start doing some investigating and stand firm. The more you allow her to walk over you the more she will do it. You might want to look into some online forums that are dedicated to infidelity. When people are in an affair they tend to live in a fantasy world where they blame their SO but when everything comes to light be ready for a storm.
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Old 23rd November 2008, 04:57 AM   #17
dave123
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Hello,

EA or not i am working on the principle that TD32 wants things to work out with his partner.

It's very easy to find a reason to call it a day, it's hard work and honesty and commitment that makes people work together to make a better future.
"Burned" or not, finding out is not the end. Finding out is the first step in a very painful long journey. It is not the end, it is the beginning of the next part of all parties involved lives. TD32 will have to live with that pain after a long and seemingly happy partnership, and at the moment despite appearances and his personal view, the situation may be (physically) unfounded. I am not saying there is no problem with an EA and everything else, but, compared to physical cheating an EA is just wishful thinking.

I am a typical guy, logical and clever, but being "right" is no solace when you are in a situation like TD32. Short term maybe it'll help but long term is what counts.

I agree on the respect part, allowing someone to "walk over you" is never good. Your W needs to know that if she walks away you will come out of it better than her. My POV at the moment is that life is a marathon not a sprint. I'm hoping for you that you can find some release and independence outside of the relationship.

Take some time, and ask your W to talk with a counsellor. I wish you all the best.

Dave

P.S.

JJ i'm not disagreeing with you in general. You quoted a whole post of mine and said you disagreed. Part of that post was wishing TD32 the best and a future that was happy.
Finding out the truth is a step in the right direction. But what if TD32 gets a PI and there is nothing to report. Mrs TD32 has asked him to respect her and believe her. From here hiring a PI is pretty cold, and if she ever found out that he did there would be big issues regarding trust etc. An arranged time in the future where they can talk either with a counsellor or together will give her time to think about what she really wants.

Good luck TD32, you have the moral high ground. I hope you can be happy together and if not i hope you know you have done NOTHING wrong.

D123

Last edited by dave123; 23rd November 2008 at 04:50 PM. Reason: x
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Old 23rd November 2008, 05:44 AM   #18
texdude32
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

I want to thank every one that has responded in this forum. All of your comments have been very helpful. My wife is out of town with family until Monday. This has given me lots of timeto reflect on my feelings. I do want things to work out, because leaving is a rather easy thing to do I will be damned if I will give her up. I feel my only hope is to be honest with her about how this relationship makes me feel. I am going to use the "if it where me doing this" agrument but I have tried in the past. I can hope that by repeatting myself it will sink in.
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Old 24th November 2008, 02:10 AM   #19
jjjj_jjjj
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Dave of course I wasn't disagreeing about wishing text the best. I was disagreeing about the passive advice you were giving.

Text, Im not saying you should give up on your M. I actually feel the exact opposite. Right now it seems like you and the OM are competing for your wifes attention. When you chase after her she will loose respect for you. There is a forum that specializes in situations like this named loveshack; you might want to post on there. I have not been through something like this but I have been studying cases like this for about 3 years and almost always the soft approach does not work. It is to early to determine how deep your situation is but trust me an EA(or a possible PA) is very harmful for a marriage and often does long term damage.
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Old 24th November 2008, 02:50 AM   #20
jjjj_jjjj
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

At the very least you and your wife need to seek MC( marriage counciling). Be careful because from this point out She is going to blame you for everything. She will justify her actions by saying you have caused them. She will constantly bring up the past. Just stay focus on communication and the two of you can get through this.
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Old 24th November 2008, 10:16 AM   #21
val100
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

textdude I don't agree with going to loveshack for advise.
On this forum you will find compassion and genuine help, there you will find a lot of harsh words no matter which side of the fence you are on and the word Divorce is always to the forefront.

No matter what, your marriage can be fixed if you both want it.
Your wife is by all accounts acting in a manner that suggests she is having an affair but that doesn't mean she is.
You can do very little, you can appeal to her and explain how this relationship feels but if she is having an affair she will tell you to suck it up.
The photos are bang out of order and inexcusable so she needs to address that with you.
My advise is to tell her how you feel, tell her you want an explanation for the photos and then you tell her that you will not be put in second place, you deserve better and you will have to think about your future.
MC won't work if she is not accepting there is a problem.
I would advise you to be strong and manly about it. I would invite OM around for dinner if he or she refuse repeatedly then yes she is having an affair.
No matter what she is behaving badly and disrespecting you. you are allowed to say that this friendship doesn't suit.
I have a close male bestfriend, my husband has a close female friend, sometimes you know when it is ok and other times listen to your gut.
Stay really strong and protect yourself.
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Old 24th November 2008, 05:33 PM   #22
texdude32
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

I think what I am going to do is let her know where I stand on the relationship. here is my spill
I feel the relationship is more than what would be considered appropriate between 2 married people and I do not feel comfortable with the relationship. I am not telling you that it has to stop but that I am only tolerating the situation because I really have no other option.
What does everyone think?
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Old 24th November 2008, 07:57 PM   #23
Raymond
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Your wife is deceiving herself if she says she is doing nothing wrong. Playing around sending questionable pictures to a man and vice versa is playing with fire.

She says he is only a girlfriend. Some girlfriend married with a wife.

I think you have a right to be jealous. Jealousy is wanting what is rightfully yours. Envy is wanting what is not yours.

I agree you should speak with him to lay off your wife. Trouble is she is willingly doing this. I think the whole thing should be exposed. You have tried the soft route and it is not working. Get his wife involved if you can. It is not right what they are doing. I think you are going to have to get a bit tough with her and not be dragged around in the trail of her silliness.

Raymond
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Old 25th November 2008, 01:20 AM   #24
jjjj_jjjj
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

I agree a lot with Val and Raymond but I think MC could work because talking about a problem exposes it even if one party is initially in denial. You do need to get a little tough. People walk over others who allow it. I recommended Loveshack just because of the high volume of people who have gone through something like this and I feel multiple ideas could help. Best of luck!!!
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Old 25th November 2008, 08:24 PM   #25
texdude32
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

I have thought about the forum suggestions and friends. I have decided I am not going to address the issue for the next few days. There are several of her company functions coming up. Co worker Xmas parties. I am going to lay back and be the understanding husband and see what I can see with regards to the interaction and talking to co workers. I am not going to directly ask any questions but do some recon if you know what I mean. I am also lookind forward to see if he actually comes to the event. wish me luck. Will update as it progresses.
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Old 26th November 2008, 12:12 AM   #26
dave123
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Hello, good luck with the way you have decided to go.

I have been to a couple of counseling sessions on my own in the last couple of weeks. If you find it hard to keep calm and "lay back" then perhaps you could talk to someone outside of the situation to get some perspective on where you are with it all.

It's probably not for everyone and it was hard for me to open up to a stranger.

Good luck either way.

Dave
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Old 26th November 2008, 01:09 AM   #27
jjjj_jjjj
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Good luck but I hope you remember that ignoring a problem does not solve it.
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Old 26th November 2008, 09:41 AM   #28
Raymond
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

It's okay to do a reccy to make sure of what is happening, but you may still be faced with the same problem possibly as jjj suggested.

Raymond
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Old 4th December 2008, 12:13 AM   #29
texdude32
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Getting close to xmas party. I have been monitoring texting and to my surprise it has dropped off quit a bit since i confronted her about pictures. From 30-40 per day to 10-15. Still have the morning, lunch and drive home communication. I am really looking forward to the party although I am not sure he is going. When party was first brought up she said none of the other lady's she works with husbands going. She said I could go if I wanted to but that it was basically goiing to be a girls night out, "you can hang out with us if you want but do not get mad if I ignore you" I did not tell her if I was going or not. Nothing has really been said about party since then. But I am going.
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Old 4th December 2008, 12:46 AM   #30
dave123
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Re: Wifes best friend is a dude

Welcome back TD32, hope you are doing OK.

Are you looking forward to the party because it'll be fun or because you hope to find something out?

If the initial stress of the situation has eased a little then i hope you are coping better with it and are taking time to do some positive things purely for yourself.

Good luck for the next few days, i hope it all goes your way and you guys move forward together. If Xmas goes OK you could something like taking her out for a surprise romantic evening and tell her the positive things you want you both to do together and for each other for 2009, and really start afresh looking forward and putting this all behind you.

Dave
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