A broken heart

[JWD]

Go Go Sheila

Be vague when he asks what you're upto. Be unavailable and when he does call, be so pleasant but distant sounding. I bet the OW will be having fears too that he is going to go back to you, she'll start bugging him.

[Sheila]

He said it was over between him and the OW. I think I believe him but then who knows - he lied with such ease.
Anyway, Im going to wake up stronger tomorrow...I hope.
Take care everyone
xx

[JWD]

Sorry, I should have realised that. night night x

[val100]

Shelia
you have so much guts and intelligence you already know what to do it is just your love and fear and emotions which make you collapse into a crying heap on the floor.
Firstly let me apologise for my post I was under pressure to let my son use the computer before he went to bed.

Shelia one problem I see for women more than men is. When we are married we share and lean on our husbands. They know us, they throw themselves down stairs to help us if they hear a crash in the kitchen. they stop and hold us when we cry. When we need to get heard we tend to use the drama and emotion tactics (not intentionally) the most confusing and hurtful thing is when we do that and they walk away. They don't reach out and pick us up.
Shelia right now he has cut his emotions from you because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.
cut yours and watch.
Watch him get confused and emotional, watch his world crumble without your support and care.
Watch him reach out for you emotionally and watch him die just a little when you walk away.
I will tell the story of my situation. I had begged and pleaded to no avail. He shacked up with a younger model he had a life. He was able to be a pig to me and i would fight it but break down and ask him beg him to stop. Then one day he freaked out with me. I refused to let him see me cry.
(I had moved away as he requested. he was with her) I drove home, the next day he rang me and apologised. I refused to accept it. I stayed calm and explained this to him. I have always accepted apologises and nothing ever changed so no more if he was sorry it wouldn't happen again.
I was happy really happy. I had everything i wanted and I had met someone (not) I wanted to be free of this marriage and would start to deal with all legal issues when I felt like it because for now I was happy and enjoying my life.
He asked if he could send me a birthday card. I said no! I only accepted B'day cards from friends and family and right now we were neither.
I thanked him for his call and wished him well. He told me his heart broke everytime he saw me. I said that was his choice.
The OW was gone 4 weeks after he had got me to leave. however he was still incontact with her.
2wks later he and i were acting like friends (i told my mum if I wanted him back I had to get him by being his old N) that is what I did.
4 weeks after that 6 weeks in total he was crying and begging me to come home.
You see he had to lose me. He had to lose everything that was us and me. He had to face that someone else would find me and keep me.
He had to lose his safe footing of me.

It may not work for you but what will work is you will be able to sleep, eat and find happiness by letting him go.

We are 9 mths back together it can be really really tough but I know he is so scared of losing me because he now knows I don't need him. that my friends and family will look after me and i can survive.
I lost weight, changed my look. I am new, I am interesting and he has much greater respect for me.
But shelia I was awful, I thought i would die, I wanted to die. I hurt so much. I found my way because I listened to me saying I deserved better.
We all deserve better Shelia.
Be kind to yourself and make him stop hurting you.

[JWD]

So good to hear you got him back and wanted him back. I'm too scared to do it. Maybe once I know I can handle it if he doesn't want to try. Once I know what has really happened.

So pleased for you noodle. I think Sheila should do it too. xx

[Sheila]

Noodle dont apologise for you original post - its probably what I needed to hear.
Well, after listening to you guys on here and from stuff I have read, along with the support Im getting, I have to admit I feel a bit brighter today - I lay awake most of the night, but have come up with some real positive feelings.
Im not going to tell you I dont want H back, I do but I am going to deal with the situation in a new way.
I am not going to contact him, and I am going to move on. How dare he mess with my head like this?
Im not saying Im perfect, far from it, but I know I deserve better, and if he really wants me, he will take a long look at what has happened and change things, I now understand that by living apart, and by not crying and begging, he may realise this.
I am out tonight with friends and have just arranged something for tomorrow after work..
My youngest son who is still at home never goes out on Friday nights so I am planning to use that time to spend some quality time with him.
I also plan to return to the gym on Saturday morning, so will channel some of my energy into that. I have no plans for Saturday evening (at the moment) so maybe I will just chill out with a film and the odd glass or 2 of wine.
I really do feel so good today....I hope it will last, I really want it to. I also hope he realises what he will be missing
Thankyou so much to everyone who is taking the time to read the thread and to submit replies - it means so much that I can draw on your experiences and advice.
I hope everyone is having a good day
xx

[JWD]

Fantastic. I'm more positive today too. H mum came to see me and I didn't cry. In fact not cried yet today. Worry about drinking tonight in case I say something to him so need to stay focused. I'm challenging myself not to do it. One hour and a time right now.

[Sheila]

well Im back after a few drinks with friends after work.
It was strange, even scary, knowing I was coming back to an empty house, but I managed to survive the evening, and am still feeling positive.
One of the girls actually told me she didnt think I wanted H back (I do), she just thinks its a natural process and given time I will feel different - Im sure she is right deep down, its just getting through these early weeks.
I am missing him dreadfully, but am I really? Am I really missing the lies and the deception? Im confused, I do miss him, I know I do, but why - I have had a terrible time with him since Christmas and deserve better.
It still all seems a bit surreal.
Oh well, will see how Im feeling tomorrow - seeing another friend tomorrow after work so hopefully I can stay in this positive frame of mind a while longer.
I hope everyone is ok...
xx

[Sheila]

YES YES YES !!!!!
I have just had a text from h saying ''goodnight xx'' and Ive ignored it, Ive just turned off my phone. If he ever says anything I wont tell him I've ignored him, I will just say I fell asleep early.
I feel good being able to ignore the message. Maybe I can make him think.
I know its only 1 text I am ignoring but its a start.
xx

[JWD]

Wooo hoooo, just say you didn't get it til the morning and not mention being asleep. Be mysterious. so glad you had goodish night, xx

...or you could say, "was it from you? i deleted your number and wasn't sure who it was from" ;-)

(Joke)

Hope you're having a good day today.

Take care,

Dave

[Sheila]

Having an okish day today. It so hard though isnt it just to try and carry on with normal life.
I feel a bit in limbo now as dont know if he wants to come back or not, but I guess time will tell.
I have a text on my phone that he sent a on Tuesday saying ''I think we should both think about what we want if together and more importantly how we achieve it'' but how can we move on and think if he wont talk about a future with me - I dont believe he is playing mind games with me, but as I said before, he lied with such ease, how do I know.
Anyway, I will just keep quiet with him and see how it goes - you never know, maybe if he decides he does want a future with me, it will be too late?
xx

[Sheila]

Hey everyone
Well, I still feel ok - have had a few texts from H today and played it very cool.
I had a good couple of hours with a friend after work, but am worried that when I have nothing socially to do how I will feel. I dont want to go to pieces again. Oh well, will cross that bridge when i come to it.
Im starting to eat properly again ...have lost a stone since Christmas and am sure that now Im eating again, the weight will pile on, but as I keep saying, I am planning to go back to the gym...honestly .
I still want him to come back but know I cant make him as he will only resent me. A bit worried as its my birthday in a couple of weeks, but i guess if he doesnt want me, its just a milestone I need to get over.
Anyway, lets see how I feel tomorrow.
How is everyone?
xx

[JWD]

Sorry you're a wee bit down Sheila.

I know what you mean about when you're on your own. You just mail me on sat night.

I think like me, you;re just in a rush and want everything back like before. Oh how I want that. Anyway, just look for the small tiny changes like by being cool with him he seems to text more? small baby steps.

Sending positive thoughts x

Hi Sheila,
I have been separated from my husband since beginning of December and I wanted an answer as soon as possible but people have advised me, who have gone through similar, to not rush it. It is very difficult to not rush things as you want it sorted asap and your life back to normal. Well, nearly three months down the line and my husband has been making signs of changing his decision. He is now saying he loves me on the phone, which he hasn't said to me since I asked him to leave in December. I am going out a lot more and I don't volunteer the information so he has to ask where I am going and who I am going with. I have met a lot of new friends and also made more of an effort with people that were acquaintances before who are now becoming friends. It does take effort but it is worth it. I can now say that I am out maybe 5 nights out of 7, maybe for just a couple of hours but at least I am out meeting people and getting a life.

Looking at my life now and his life, I have the most exciting one and it was him that said his life was boring! This woman he had the affair with hasn't given him an exciting life, far from it. I have met new people whereas he is worse off than he was before. Maybe he has done me a favour. I can't see it at the moment but at least the choice is mine. I can do what I want within reason and so long as it fits in with my two teenage daughters!

Get out there Sheila and make new friends. It does make it easier. Sometimes it is good to talk about your situation but other times it is good to forget it for a while.

It is our 19th wedding anniversary on Monday. I wonder what my husband is going to do about this. Will he acknowledge it or not?
Take care Sheila and look after yourself.