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Old 17th September 2008, 01:06 AM   #1
dr1ps
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Unhappy Partner can't accept my children

I'm in my second marriage and appear to be one of the few fathers that's still devoted to his children, who live with their mum. I take them out one night a week and have them stay with us every weekend on a Saturday night through to Sunday evening. My new wife knew what i was like with my children, i love them to bits and promised my ex-wife that i would never let them down or neglect them, and never have. I have helped and supported them throughout their young lives to-date, and my efforts have paid off with both of them flying at school and achieving grammar school status - something that my ex-wife said would never happen when i left her, and they are the happiest children you could ever meet.

I have been with my new wife for 6 years now, married for 3, but just lately my devotion to my children seems to be getting in the way of our happiness. My wife has 3 children of her own, whom live with us, and i have supported them all. We have a nice big house, good jobs, nice cars and holidays every year, all of which she didn't have before i met her.

I made it clear what i was like with my children from the start so it's not like i've changed all of a sudden. It took me a long while to get used to not being with them every day and i still hate it now. I stated that it wasn't their fault that their parents seperated so why should they suffer. As a result, i still talk to their mother when i collect them, but nothing more than about the children, and she keeps me informed of what's happening with them - all of which infuriates my new wife. She is constantly at loggerheads with her ex, and we constantly struggle to get any maintenance from him as a result. It's the final hold he has over her as their children hate visiting him every other weekend.

My wife has always struggled to understand my feelings for them. She feels my whole world revolves around them and i have little room for her or her children. However, other than the one night a week i spend with my kids on our own (our time) i don't see them unless they come to stay with us at weekends. It's not like i'm on the phone every minute of the day to them. I guess she feels i should be more like other 'absent' fathers that devote all of their time to their 'new' familiy and neglects their own flesh and blood. Not me!

These issues have always caused problems in our marriage but i have accepted they probably always will. Just one of the issues with 2nd marriages i guess. However, recently their mum asked if the children could stay with us next year when she goes away with her new boyfriend. Rather than say yes straight away, i said i'd check with my wife but didn't see it as a problem. I honestly didn't think it would be an issue. After all, we moved to a large house, which we can ill afford, so that it would be big enough for all of us at weekends. However, after considering it for about 6 hours, and i guess steaming from the ears during that period, she said no. In fact, she said that i should have told my ex that she should arrange to go away with her new boyfriend in the summer when the kids spend a couple of weeks with us anyway.

Naturally i am disappointed at her reaction. My kids are not bad kids, they are well behaved and get on fantastically with the step kids. In fact, they all get on better than their parents do! If i say no, and basically why should i, how do i explain this to my children? How do i explain that, rather than staying with their dad, they will have to go stay with friends because there is no way their mum will change her holiday dates to suit us. And how do i explain why they can't stay with us? I hate the thought of denying my children 2 parents. I am their dad so i feel it's right i should have them with me in these circumstances. I have even offered to cook for them, clean up after them, basically do everything i have to while they are with us, so it's no inconvenience to my wife. But i will refuse to let them stay with someone else. How would they feel?

This has all developed into a massive arguement. My wife says i am selfish, uncaring, that i neglect her feelings and those of her children and that i have so little love left for her, over my kids. She says that we will eventually split, and it will all be because of my kids and their mother. How do i explain to her how i feel? She sees her children every day of the week, she cannot possibly know how it feels to be seperated from them so she cannot possibly know how i feel so strongly about this. I try explaining this to her but all she says is that if i feel that much for them, then i should never have left their mother in the first place.

Currently she has moved out and is staying at her sisters for a week. I have tried talking to her about it but she'll have none of it. I just don't know where we go from here. It almost feels like she's making me choose between her and my children.

Any suggestions please?
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Old 17th September 2008, 09:28 AM   #2
val100
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Re: Partner can't accept my children

She is making you chose.
This is an absolute No No. Your children are the only ones here who should not have to compromise you two as adult have too.

A year is a long time for your wife to be leaving the children as well. To be honest I would still take my children and explain that this is something you want and need.
I am at a lose here to know how you can accept this behaviour.
Personally this is a very cut and dry situation our children should always come first over everyone else under these circumstances.
If your children were the kids that caused problems with her children, if their behaviour put your marriage and her children under a strain etc then absolutely i would understand her having reservations.
The fact of the matter is I believe your wife is insecure and jealous. Your attention is not focused on her when your children are around, Your amicable relationship with your wife poses some sort of threat to her. This is an issue that she must deal with and you must reassure her and support her so she can realise that there is no real problem between you and her.
At the end of the day that house you live in is your kids home too, that is where they belong when not with their mother. You absolutely know what you have to do.
Be strong your kids didn't ask for this so it is up to you to fix it for them.
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Old 17th September 2008, 10:02 AM   #3
dr1ps
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Re: Partner can't accept my children

Thanks for your reply and advice. I thought i was going mad, questioning myself all the time - "am i really asking too much of her?" but all along i knew i was doing the right thing and were right in my beliefs.
I may have mislead you in saying my ex was going away next year. She's actually only going away for 10 days, but it is next year. I've always asked her to give me plenty of notice when these things arise and that's exactly what she's done.
Like you say, had my children been a real pain in the **** then maybe i could understand her reaction but they aren't. They adore her kids, and her youngest adores my 2 also. So much so that, given the choice to go and see her own dad when it's his weekend, she says she'd rather stay and see my 2.
I feel there's a jealousy factor in there too with my relationship with my kids. I think she wants that for her own children with their father but the fact of the matter is, their father doesn't give two hoots about them. He picks them up at lunch time on a Sunday (that's once every 2 weeks), then has them home again by 6.30pm. Usually he goes off to work during that time too and then never makes any contact with them in between their visits. Hardly surprising that they feel that way about going to see him.
Anyway, i believe the jealousy factor is still there with wife and my ex. Just because my wife is at loggerheads with her ex, she believes that's the way it should be with 'ex' partners. I've always argued that it shouldn't be that way and that can only damage the children. The reason my children are so happy all the time, and are doing so well at school is because i/we make a point of trying not to air any of our disagreements in front of them. She used to text me when there were issues with the children but my wife hated that. So, i bought my children phones so i could communicate via them. Then i was wrong from paying for their monthly credit!!!! Can't win.
I told my wife i felt she was being very selfish regarding all of this. She replied that there's not a selfish hair on her head. She's the most welcoming, friendly, open person that anyone could meet and if anyone's being selfish, then it's me. She says she has welcomed my children into 'our' home and 'our' lives and is fed up with my ex wife treating us as her extended family. Well, isn't that exactly what we are to my children. I am their family and now so is my wife and her children? Not just people that they visit every week - not just friends to take advantage of.
The fact of the matter is that my children would happily go wherever thay are told but i won't have that. They will be staying with me/us, wherever i may be by then, something that my wife finds a very bitter pill to swallow. I just feel that things could all be a lot more harmonious if she could accept them, and accept that they are my children and will always come first, until such a time as they spread their wings and lead their own lives. My only fear is, at that time, they are also old enough to decide if they want to visit, knowing their step-mother's attitiude to them.
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Old 17th September 2008, 10:25 AM   #4
val100
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Re: Partner can't accept my children

Oh god , I am sorry and even more shocked. It is only for 10days next year. Oh please that is nothing.
These are your children, her kids live with you. Oh dear you are far from going crazy or asking too much.

It is the unwritten contract when we bring our kids into the world that we will always be there for them no matter what.

If I was their mother I would be furious that my kids are being treated this way.

My H didn't do all he should while we were separated and I see how guilty he is now for that. He and I were not the slightest bit amicable, I had an opportunity to go to Japan for 10days. I asked him if he would take them. He moved in for 10days and never once made it difficult for me.
No matter what Our kids have to come first.
You are asking nothing of your wife. What would she do if you said you no longer wanted her kids to live with you and her.

You are doing the right thing by taking your kids for those ten days that is all that matters.
Your wife as an adult must adjust and be a wife and accept your children into the extended family home.
You ex is the reason you have those beautiful kids and for that she deserves respect and in my simple beliefs you will always be family and you must care for her as she must for you.
You and your ex wife should be commended for finding the responsible and loving way to raise your kids without conflict. WEll done
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Old 17th September 2008, 03:22 PM   #5
dr1ps
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Red face Re: Partner can't accept my children

I guess it says it all about our relationship. She wants me and my attention and what i contribute to the household, but not my kids. As i said to her, god forbid anything ever happened to my ex wife. What would she do then as i would have my kids living with me permanently. Then that would open up a whole heap of problems....

I haven't said anything to my ex or my children about all of this. They know she's moved out for the week but not the reasons why. The last thing i want them to think is that they are to blame for any of this, as they're not! As for my ex, i've simply told her everything will be fine and they are welcome to stay with me, wherever i am at that time!

Thanks for your input, it has made me feel 100% sure about my decision and standing my ground.
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Old 17th September 2008, 08:45 PM   #6
sadagain
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Re: Partner can't accept my children

Dr1ps

Whatever you do you put your kids first. I cant believe a mother can be so selfish as to ask a parent not to put their kids first!.... Unbelievable!

Trust me, my 3 kids like yours are well behaved loving children. Their Dad refuses to speak to 2 of them, the other one texts occasionally and he gives her money and presents but not the other 2!.(but he cant possibly take them to stay over or out…..his GF wouldn’t like that)

Believe me, the effects he has had on my kids is heart breaking, They have done nothing wrong, yet their dad does not want to know and spends all his time and money on a girl 6 years older than my 15 year old.

I still cant comprehend how he can pass them in a shop and not acknowledge them???

The 2 he does not speak to now hate him and never want to see him again. They have no respect for him at all. He has lost kids that would have done anything for him.

The first 6 months, I had tears nightmares, crying in their sleep. So many but why Mam??? Questions. Believe it or not, deep down they actually feel guilty, feeling its partly their fault…. I had to keep reassuring them it is not.

You stand up for your kids, put them first. If your knew wife doesn’t like it tough!!!

You’re a good Dad, don’t let anyone change that.

Your wife it a selfish woman that should take a look in the mirror and put herself in the situation she is wanting your kids to be in!

Ok sorry if I am a bit strong worded, but I know first hand…..

Good Luck and I hope it all works out!
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Old 17th September 2008, 10:03 PM   #7
dr1ps
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Re: Partner can't accept my children

Sadagain

Thanks for your vote of confidence. I know how your kids must be feeling because my new wife's girls are being pushed out by their dad so i can see the effect it has on them. That's why i can't understand her attitude to it all. Although he doesn't ignore them, it's as good as. The few hours he has them every other weekend he's usually out working so they see so little of him. When he is there all he does it talk about what they have all been doing as a family (his new family) and where they've been going, yet each month he struggles to pay his maintenance. And he never takes them anywhere.
As i've said before, part of me feels there's a jealousy issue here. I'm sure she wants the same for her children as i treat mine, but i'm not sure how her reaction to all of this is showing any of that? She's very clever with her words and can throw all sorts of things at me in a heated debate (she has a very quick tongue and long memory), most of which i can't answer at the time (i need to go away and think about it first ), but i guess that's just the non-confrontational part in me. However, when all of this blew up, i was confused if her logic was because she genuinly felt it would be too much hard work for her, having all of them here, or if it was simply anger at my ex asking me in the first place. What sort of mother would she be had she not asked me? I would have been furious and she knows that. This is why i haven't mentioned anything to her about it. The last thing i want is her not asking in future for fear of causing upset in my marriage.
Anyway, this is just another problem in an all too predictable 2nd marriage. Fraught with issues and problems throughout. Every day is a challenge. She's moved out for now, saying she'll be back on Saturday and no doubt expecting the red carpet to be laid out as if nothing has happened. She says she's had enough of it all, enough of me putting my kids first, enough of my selfishness and enough of all the rows but can't do anything about it as we are stuck financially. So she'll be back and we'll carry on as before, which for me is not knowing if she's really with me because she wants to be or because she enjoys the financial stability i provide for her family. Which is kind of ironic if that's the case as that's a massive commitment and sacrifice to make just to make your children happy surely?

Thanks again for your advice.
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