Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th October 2008, 07:45 PM   #1
disbelief1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Friend disrupting marriage

My wife has a coworker and friend who has been causing unrest in our lives. Basically, he became deeply engrained in most aspects of her personal life in addition to being partnered at work prior to my arrival on the scene. They drive in together, work together and go on business trips together, yet he has recently been seeking one-on-one time outside of work (vacation time, weekend meetings) to sort out ‘friction’ issues between them. As an example, he recently gave her a cold shoulder, played head games and displayed passive aggressive behaviour for two weeks, because he felt she had recently seemed distant and then didn’t give him enough notice that she wouldn’t be able to commute on a certain day (she gave two days notice and he has a vehicle so there is no reliance). Anyways, he pulls this kind of behaviour anytime someone disrupts his world. There have been numerous times where my wife is exasperated at how much effort she puts in to make their friendship work. By the way, the friendship has always been strictly platonic.

He constantly tries to control situations to his benefit, and likes to ‘one up’ or belittle others to make himself feel self important, and will go lengths to try and display to me how much he knows about my wife. I know that it’s his insecurities talking, but there are times where he is so overbearing I just want to leave the room. My wife sees this and is unimpressed as well. His wife has taken up the same extracurricular activities as mine and they have formed a friendship which further enmeshes things. We also have a planned visit on a specified evening per week, plus a number of other getting together 'traditions' which were established prior to me. At first, it seemed fine, but it began to feel like a duty to his insistence on schedules. At one point, it was so bad that my wife feared repercussions for lateness. I’ve pointed out the unhealthy aspects of the arrangement and we may be altering it, regardless of whatever fallout may happen.

We both know that the issues revolve around his extremely controlling nature, and I am resenting how much it affects us and how much my wife puts herself out and feel that he is being mentally abusive. She acknowledges that he is messed up and will stand up to him, but my wife is much more tolerant and accepting of his behaviour than myself. She says that she will do everything to try and make things work, or break the friendship if nothing can work and I’ve told her that I would do my very best to make things work as well.

We’re working very hard to set and manage boundaries (apparently he got upset when my wife used the word ‘boundaries’ with him). I suppose he became accustomed to calling her anytime and felt free to access her personal calendar and PC. When I found out he was working on our PC and attempted to ‘teach’ me on it, it didn’t sit well. I discussed these things with my wife and we’re working on a firm action plan. On the plus side, he has backed off in certain areas when directly told, but he occasionally displays his resentment about it.

I feel bad when I express how much the situation annoys me, and try my best to cope with the situation, but it’s really eating me up. I don’t want her to end a friendship on my account, but she is concerned about how it’s making me crazy. In addition to setting further boundaries, I’m trying to find better coping mechanisms and I’m wondering if anyone can offer any advice in these areas??
disbelief1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2008, 06:44 AM   #2
PAUASH29
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 47
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

disbelief it certainly is, who is your wife married to you or this guy, he has certainly got issues, tell me is he married, your wife i think needs to either talk to her company about the situation or relocate because this guy is ruling your lives, kick him out my friend and get on with your lives, if this is not possible then you call the shots and you dictate on him, not your wife obviously but i think your wife is probably thinking and hoping that she needs someone to take control of the situation.Your the man go to it.

Paul
PAUASH29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2008, 04:01 PM   #3
disbelief1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Thanks for your response. Yes, he is married and my wife is friends with his. He doesn't have very close friends besides my wife and the work partnership and personal events created the bond between them. I think he is even passing up employment opportunities to stay partnered with her, and she doesn't want to change positions so I'm guessing this arrangement will continue for years. For the most part they get on ok, but my wife sometimes feels relieved when something causes him to not be there. He seems excessively focused on her.
You're right about starting to call more shots - he is very persuasive and calculating. He says that he's very sensitive about needing schedules and my wife has dealt with it thus far. She has indicated a need for flexibility to him, although he gets bent out of shape when a flexible element occurs. You're right, drawing more hard lines and demanding our own schedules (or lack thereof) and more privacy is the only way to deal with this. My wife found it easier to cope with his 'need for schedules' in the past but I just can't live this way and it's causing tension. She sees this and wants to improve things all around. It's unfortunate that she'll be one who will suffer any fallout from this, as I'm sure he will get upset about us going back on our 'agreement' or some rediculous thing, but I think the alternative is far worse. I just can't feel good about having specific, timed portions of our life and expectations imposed by him. I also react negatively when he imposes his suggestions and viewpoints on us and the thought of him delving into our personal life doesn't sit well.
I realize that I can't demand an end to the bond they have, but I feel strongly about creating a healthier distance. It's been difficult reconciling my true feelings on this as there's so many things at play here. My wife values his/his wife's friendship, despite his controlling nature, but I'm not sure where the middle ground is or if it exists - I guess time will tell. Any other comments or suggestions would be hugely appreciated....
disbelief1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2008, 04:08 PM   #4
disbelief1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

I’ve been thinking about the situation a lot lately and I think much of my concern boils down to how omnipresent he is in her/our life. Even with matters outside of work, he’ll do a whole range of things with and for her, and it feels like I’m being displaced at times. From things like frequent lunches out together, shopping for personal gifts etc., to things I consider more private. For example, my wife had an IUD procedure - she told me it was no big deal and politely indicated that I needn’t go with her and I figured she would go on her own. Instead, he left work early with her and brought her to the doctor’s. It hurt that he was privy to the procedure and was the first one to discuss how she felt afterwards. And the worst thing is he seems to rub my face in it when carries on about how well he knows my wife. They seem to share everything short of intimacy and she sometimes has to fend him off from getting even further into our lives (this was the case with her before we met as well). I’ve even had dreams where he’ll appear while we’re in a private setting to intrude or be condescending to me about something.

My wife knows how I feel and we’re continuing to work on boundaries, but it’s hard as I don’t like feeling as though I’m trying to control her actions or decisions. Maybe there’s an element of jealousy on my part, but I really feel things are too close for comfort and draining in many aspects.

Any other perspectives or suggestions?

Last edited by disbelief1; 17th October 2008 at 06:45 PM.
disbelief1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2008, 07:00 PM   #5
val100
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 537
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Hi,
There is a lot going on here, firstly no matter what you trust your wife so this isn't an issue of you thinking there is more going on.
He is disrespecting you.
You have every right to put boundaries in place.
Praise and support your wife for trying to do her best to protect your marriage.
Try not to become obsessed with him. Write down whr issues you have show them to her and set up a plan then drop it until something happens.

Speak to him as if you are the man of the house. He is acting bold child.
He is not your family so you can stand up to him and tell him when he is being inappropriate.

Pick the times that are important to spend time in his company and cut out any silly nonsensical meetings.

Best of luck
__________________
Noodle
val100 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2008, 07:55 PM   #6
disbelief1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Hi Val,

Thanks for your reply – it’s definitely sage advice. Yes, I’m 100% certain that there’s nothing more going on than what I’ve explained which is a good thing! My wife and I have been quite supportive of one another, but I could probably praise her more so thank you for emphasizing this.

I’m certainly not intimidated by him but I have bitten my tongue a couple of times to avoid causing a scene. On the other hand, I don’t think it would hurt to politely tell him to butt out on occasion. I regard his behaviour as just plain sad at times – I think I’m just really annoyed more than anything about his influences and how he exasperates us, and that’s where I need to focus on.

I know that my uncomfortable feelings are now causing my wife to worry which is a bad thing. He tends to drag her down in his dramas sometimes and she can bear the brunt of his moodiness, which disgusts me further. However, the last thing I want is for her to hide her feelings or frustrations about him in fear that it will further upset me. We will be discussing the situation some more and boundaries will definitely be an important subject. I know that he sometimes talks to my wife about concerns he has with his (although their marriage is solid) and I’ve expressed that I would not like our personal details or issues discussed with him – I don’t think that’s being unreasonable.

It’s hard not to be obsessed with him, but you’re right – I just need to stay open and supportive and drop it until a point comes when it warrants further discussion. I think further reducing time spent will assist greatly as well.

As always, any other feedback is hugely appreciated!
disbelief1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st April 2009, 09:15 PM   #7
disbelief1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Following up on the thread....
Well, it's been over six months now, and things seemed to be better for a little while, but things are starting to annoy me again. I realize that there's no point expecting him to change, and I can't seem to tolerate or accept his controlling nature like my wife does, no matter how hard I try. A couple of my friends have met him and without any prior knowledge commented how odd/controlling he is, so it must be screamingly apparent. He still drags my wife (and by extension me) into his life dramas and continues to make himself the centre of the universe all of the time.

His wife is still close friends with mine and is probably relieved that she can take some of the drama off her plate. He constantly belittles his wife in a very subtle/sarcastic way and she just accepts it. But what really annoys me are his games to get my wife's loyalty and attention and how she continues to flatter his ego by helping him with personal things and taking each other out for thank you lunches. When he talks, he speaks as though they are some kind of special entity and continues to pass up job opportunities to stay with her. At one point when he was really overbearing, my wife considered getting another position to get away from him. When he found out, he started talking about how he would follow and they could be partners in the new role - my wife really didn't want to leave her current role and decided to stick it out. He also likes to stress his involvement with her personal matters, such as getting a special gift for me. He manipulates and belittles others at his work behind their backs and plays games to get his way. When I expressed that he is probably saying these sorts of things about her/us, my wife got upset - she doesn't think he would do such a thing!

I need to figure out a way to deal with this, because it is very apparent that they will be partners until retirement and he will continue to play these games, I suspect, as long as he is alive. When I try to discuss things, my wife sees things from a factual vs. emotional level and it is sometimes difficult to explain why this annoys me so much without myself appearing the jealous or controlling one (oh the irony).

Anyways, just needed to rant - any responses are gladly received!
disbelief1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st April 2009, 10:32 PM   #8
32hh
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 183
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Can I ask one thing? If this friend was a woman would you feel the same way?
32hh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 02:20 AM   #9
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Hi, disbelief.

What a horrible person! No wonder he bothers you.

The main issue, of course, is how your wife copes with it. If you believe the situation is causing stress and/or personality changes IN HER, then I'd advise you both to get the hell out of there, come what may.

Your earlier posts suggested this was the case, but now it seems she's achieved a mindset in which her colleague's tricks don't affect her. If she has, then the best thing you could possibly do is to learn from her.

There are lots of mental tricks you can employ, which 'neutralise' the effects of someone else's toxic behaviour. Basically, he's pushing your buttons somehow and you want those buttons deactivated!

If your wife's techniques don't work for you, a therapist could find out what will work and teach you the techniques. This should only take 2 or 3 sessions.

Good luck!
AG
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 03:40 AM   #10
Hilary
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 78
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

I'm a little puzzled. Why should they be partners till retirement? Are they in business together - like own it together? Why is that so fixed? Speaking as one who has constantly moved and had five different careers in her life that intrigues me.

You say "But what really annoys me are his games to get my wife's loyalty and attention and how she continues to flatter his ego by helping him with personal things and taking each other out for thank you lunches. When he talks, he speaks as though they are some kind of special entity and continues to pass up job opportunities to stay with her. At one point when he was really overbearing, my wife considered getting another position to get away from him. When he found out, he started talking about how he would follow and they could be partners in the new role - my wife really didn't want to leave her current role and decided to stick it out."
They are a special entity. But that is your wife's choice. She is choosing to continue that.

And you are jealous. I don't have a problem with that. I would get jealous if I was in the same position. He might not be being physically intimate with her but he is definitely being emotionally intimate with her and it is that emotional adultery. Adultery is not on. It doesn't have to destroy a marriage, but it shouldn't be allowed to continue.

You talk about the relationship as if it was a friendship. To my reading it isn't. It is adultery without the sex because it has all of the elements of the intimate relationship other than the physical - but I'm sure he does a lot of touching - hand, shoulder and so on. How would your wife feel if you called it as it is and used adultery language?

Just because the relationship pre-dated yours is no reason for it to continue. I think you have been very patient and forebearing. It is just that with him taking the central stage in your wife's focus and time then you cannot be the man of the house. At the risk of being vulgar, I suggest you use your balls. Be the man of your house and don't let him be that the man of your house. Stop playing by his rules. Your house, your rules (and your wife's of course). I'm not suggesting you be controlling, just take charge.

Those manipulative games wouldn't be any more acceptable if they were done by a woman.

My suggestion is for your wife to make a career move - move on and if he starts talking of joining her again he would need to be told she is leaving him. It will be traumatic because it will be like a marriage breaking up. She is currently married to him as well as you and it is going to cause chaos if she chooses you over a three-way marriage. Remember he is meeting many of her psychological needs to and to lose such an adulterous emotionally close relationship will be devastating to her too. If it wasn't the case she would have already made the move to drop him when she married you.

Unless you choose to do as AG suggests, but then your wife would have to put better boundaries around. And how old are you anyway? If you are both 60 with only 5 years to go to retirement then AGs suggestion might be best. But if you have 20 years till retirement, then both of you need to develop a whole new life without him.

There are lots of lovely people out there to have relationships with - raise your standards and choose nice, positive, affirming friendships.
Hilary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 12:23 PM   #11
disbelief1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Thanks for all of your responses.

AG, you are spot on. My wife has learned how to control her responses to his tricks, although she still comes home in a foul mood on occasion when things get over the top. I have considered talking more with someone to also achieve a better mindset. Funny, when I looked up 'toxic friends', most of the traits applied to him.

Their jobs are very 'public sensitive' and specialized in nature, but there are chances to change. Admittedly, I'm probably getting overdramatic myself in jumping to the conclusion that they will necessarily be work partners for life - he thinks this, but anything could happen, really.

Hilary, your suggestion of an emotional affair has also crossed my mind, especially when I re-read my posts. On an interesting note, someone in their office once took a cheapshot and referred to them as 'Mr and Mrs X'. My wife was quite upset, but realizes that things probably look a little that way. He helped her through a bad break up at one time and it sounds like he has bared his soul to her in the process. She seems to meet an awful lot of his personal and emotional needs that I would consider something between spouses

In terms of establishing boundaries, we have been successful in many areas and I have been clear as to my feelings on the matter. At one time, he actually told her to have her cellphone on so that he could reach her when needed, but she told him to basically stuff it. Also, we're taking control of things he used to help her with, which causes him some resentment.

Anyways, I've got to bolt and cut this short. I'll be thinking about this some more and will be getting back. Any further notes are greatly appreciated.

Thanks again.
disbelief1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 02:27 PM   #12
jahdog
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

I would tell this guy to back the f off.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 02:55 PM   #13
georgie
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

My gut feeling would be that they are both disrespecting you. What power does he have over her? If she is not happy with this circumstance why does she not remove herself from it. - a job is just a job credit crunch or not, and there are laws to protect from bullying etc. if that is what it is. Is she flattered? I'm sorry I'm too tired to do this, I will read again tomorrow when I'm thinking more clearly. I have no objection to people being friends with anyone, but your post made me feel uncomfortable about their behaviour.
georgie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 05:05 PM   #14
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Georgie, Hilary et al -

This doesn't sound like an 'emotional affair' to me because it's all one sided. Disbelief doesn't say his wife is secretive or defensive about the work relationship; he says it winds her up.

I'm assuming Mrs D has a valuable career, otherwise she would have job-hopped ages ago. Her job must be worth enough, to her, to warrant putting up with the additional emotional strain of working with this intrusive and demanding a*hole.

I think it's most unfair to treat this as a couple problem - although it is a problem for the couple, it's not engendered by them or their relationship.

From time to time, bad people behave badly and we cannot always magic those people away with a few relationship skills. I should know; my life was literally ruined by a mad boss. This stuff can be extremely serious.

The advice I offered is advice I wish I'd had back then. Some of my colleagues and predecessors managed to get through working with my ex-boss, without suffering psychological damage.

If Mr & Mrs Disbelief are (or can become) able to shrug off this guy's poisonous effects, that will simplify their lives - and allow them to carry on supporting his poor wife!

Georgie, I wish dealing with dangerous people at work was as straightforward as you suggest! But it's not.

Oops, wrote more than I meant to ...
AG

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 22nd April 2009 at 05:12 PM.
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd April 2009, 05:06 PM   #15
RayCub
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Friend disrupting marriage

Ditto to what everyone is saying. He sounds like he's trying to undermine YOUR power...to take that away from you, to let you know that he can "take" her from you whenever the hell he feels like it, and you have no "say" in the matter.

Now's the time to have that "say"...take back the power.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:02 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer