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Old 5th June 2010, 03:46 PM   #1
TheSteve
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Hi Everyone

After reading many posts here I’ve decided to post my story in the hope that it will reassure people who are in the midst of infidelity problems that even if you do divorce things will be absolutely fine eventually. I have to admit that this is from a male perspective.

I was married with 2 beautiful daughters and in late 2003 my wife started to show all the signs of an emotional affair although at the time I’d never even heard of the phrase. Our relationship gradually worsened and in the summer of 2005 she announced that we were "finished".

I asked if there was someone else involved. I strongly suspected someone in her social group. This of course was flatly denied and in short everything was my fault although I didn’t really get a straight answer. I moved out of the family home so that my children could have a level of stability and had no option but to move back to my hometown some 140 miles away.

I got divorced early 2008 and in the summer of 2009 the "suspect" moved in with my ex and children. It took him a while but he was also married (still is as far as I know).

So here’s my point…

Here we are 5 years on and she has the children, the man she was chasing, his money (he’s loaded) and a nice big house to live in – Where’s the Karma I was promised?

I’m on my own (by choice); just about making ends meet and separated from my children although I see them once every 3 weeks.

How is that absolutely fine I hear you ask? Because I’ve knocked myself out to keep in touch with my girls and we have a fantastic relationship. They’ll always be my girls and I’ve rid my life of a liar and cheat. Don’t listen to all the rubbish they try to feed you. They’ll tell you absolutely anything to suit their wants/needs.

How can someone you’ve known for so long and shared so much with treat you so badly? I don’t know but they do and they will probably blame you for it. I think they do this to compensate for their guilt even though they won’t likely show guilt or remorse.

It is important that you don’t get hung up on what they are doing in the early stages (easier said than done) and look after yourself mentally and physically.

I’ve skipped over a lot of things but I didn’t want to go on forever. I’m 5 years down the road and perfectly content so if I can help anyone in the early stages of getting "screwed over" by posting here I’ll try my best.

BTW I don't want to come over as some sort of know all in my 1st post. I certainly don't know it all but I hope I can help. I've been through the BS of a cheating spouse and unfortunately seen some of my friends go through exactly the same thing. The same behavioral patterns and the same excuses almost to the word.

Last edited by TheSteve; 5th June 2010 at 05:53 PM. Reason: additional info
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Old 5th June 2010, 11:04 PM   #2
Hopefull1983
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Re: Hi Everyone

Great post! I'm sure lots on here will benefit from this.
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 5th June 2010, 11:05 PM   #3
Hopefull1983
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Re: Hi Everyone

P.S - The Karma is that she needs a rich man and nice house to make her happy, you're just happy being you and if and when you do meet someone else that will make your relationship a lot stronger than hers and one that is based on true happiness rather than infidelity and mistrust.
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 6th June 2010, 12:13 AM   #4
TheSteve
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Re: Hi Everyone

Hi Hopefull1983 - I Hope everything with you is good and if it isn't then it soon will be. (new here and haven't read enough of your posts)

The Karma thing was kind of tongue in cheek but you are right. Quite frankly my ex can live in a palace or a ditch. Makes no odds to me. As long as my girls are happy and safe then everything in the world is fine. And yes I am happy just being me, always have been - It's just my personality so if I come across as being conceited or big headed then I apologise. I don’t mean any harm by it but I’ll never change.

I totally understand that there are people here right now that are having their lives torn apart as I type. A knife in the back hurts on so many levels but in the scheme of things it's only a minor inconvenience and it heals really, really well.

Take care x
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Old 6th June 2010, 01:29 AM   #5
dazed and confused
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Re: Hi Everyone

Hi

I've always felt would I want someone who's married?? The answer is NO!! Besides the moral part if he'd leave his family for me how would I ever trust him? I'm sure your ex would feel the same.Maybe not right away but I'm sure down the line when the romance gets old and he might go back to his family.I know time heals all wounds but on here it's the fact the wounds were done by someone you love.We've all realized here we're not alone or crazy.So vent as much as you want.


Take Care
Val
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Old 6th June 2010, 03:06 AM   #6
TheSteve
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Re: Hi Everyone

Hey Val

I take your point completely however I'm way past caring about my ex and her/his morals/values are out of my control.

My ex will cling on to him no matter what. He has money and status. That really wasn't my point and I didn't mean to vent or complain. I only care about my girls.

My point for posting here was to let people who have been cheated know that things will be fine eventually.

I'm prepared to guarantee it so long as everyone promises not to take me to court if their own specific happiness hasn’t been/wasn’t reached in their own predetermined time scale.

I’m up way too late even for the weekend so I’m off - take care
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Old 6th June 2010, 04:07 AM   #7
georgie
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Re: Hi Everyone

Hi Steve, thanks for your post. I'm abut 16 mths down the trace and completely agree with you, what they do is of no consequence .. what matters is our children and our own happiness and thinking about the X serves only to interrupt that. I just posted this on FB for a friend going through some family drama... so here it is for anyone here that needs to hear it.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 6th June 2010, 08:46 AM   #8
Hopefull1983
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Re: Hi Everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by georgie View Post
Hi Steve, thanks for your post. I'm abut 16 mths down the trace and completely agree with you, what they do is of no consequence .. what matters is our children and our own happiness and thinking about the X serves only to interrupt that. I just posted this on FB for a friend going through some family drama... so here it is for anyone here that needs to hear it.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Georgie, I love the serenity poem. I bought a necklace last month with it inscribed into it as well as a ring with the footprints poem inscribed into it (I felt lost no longer wearing my wedding ring and thought this was a good substitute). x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 6th June 2010, 10:45 AM   #9
JWD
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Re: Hi Everyone

Great post steve

I think the very fact that you can write that is worth it's weight in gold - to come away from that, and be able to see through the lies and no that you are better off without them shows that you know your own self-worth. No one needs to be treated like that.

I bet you know yourself so much better now and that is priceless
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Old 6th June 2010, 12:38 PM   #10
TheSteve
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Re: Hi Everyone

It’s good to hear that people are generally healing up nicely. I think it’s vitally important to concentrate on yourself and children (if any) especially in the early stages of a break up. It’s all too easy to be down on yourself if you’ve been cheated for many reasons.

It’s a sad fact that there are people in this world who are just out for themselves and pure bad luck if you chose one of these people to set up home with. They can put up a very convincing front when they want something. Life is too short and difficult as it is. You really don’t need these people around.

BTW Hopefull1983 – I sold my wedding ring. Rather have the cash
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Old 6th June 2010, 01:10 PM   #11
georgie
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Re: Hi Everyone

Steve, yes i totally agree with the convincing front.. there is a lot of narcism involved, they like to control their image very carefully, when they think that people are seeing through them they react with rage.
Selfishness at that level is so hard to fathom, I'm still constantly amazed by my X's actions and the actions of other 'walkers' I've heard about here and elsewhere. They are a different breed, I think at this point I only want to understand them in so far as is necessary to avoid them. xxx
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Old 6th June 2010, 07:08 PM   #12
TheSteve
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Re: Hi Everyone

"I think at this point I only want to understand them in so far as is necessary to avoid them"

Georgie, that was quality. I really did laugh out loud when I read it.

You said that you were still amazed at your ex’s actions. I found it helpful at the time to just plain accept them and ignore them. They only care about themselves so let them get on with it.

And please for anyone reading this don’t take/fall for any more of their BS. They stabbed you in the back once and they’ll do it again in a heartbeat if you let them. I’ve actually banned my ex from speaking to me unless it’s emergency regarding the girls. Not out of spite or bitterness. Every time she initiated a conversation there was either an ulterior motive for it or she wanted something. I just got tired of her grubby little ways.

Right I’m off playing out – later guys
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Old 7th June 2010, 10:02 AM   #13
georgie
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Re: Hi Everyone

Exactly... I've pretty much banned communication that doesn't directly relate to the children because there was always without fail an agenda being pushed..and in the most underhanded way possible.
I still get the urge to respond to some of his outrageously selfish emails, but have learned to take that all important breath and say nehhhh.....ignore ignore ignore
There are so many great people, i've met so many on here alone, why waste time and energy on toxic types.
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Old 7th June 2010, 12:22 PM   #14
TheSteve
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Re: Hi Everyone

The thing that really irritates me is that their actions can still have an impact on your life particularly when there are children involved. For example, my ex and children are fully expecting this “new guy” to buy them all a nice big shiny new house to live in and that is making me a little nervous.

Here’s why…

It took this guy 4 years to “leave” his wife – did he leave or was he pushed?

He moved into my ex’s tiny little rented house with nowhere to put his stuff and stayed there for six months. The guy is loaded. I’d have been out of there asap (month to month rental agreement). Is he just lazy or was he hedging his bets?

They now live in a nice big house but that is also rented. I reckon with his salary that it would be the equivalent of me paying out around £60 per month. Not a big commitment.

My ex has no income to speak of so the house will be bought with his money with her owning half of it. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

In short it’s coming up to commitment time and he’ll either buy a house for them or he won’t. Time will tell but it’s affecting me because it’s on my mind that my girls have a 50% chance of having to go through another upheaval.

I said that I was perfectly content in my OP and I am with my life but you can't help worrying about your children.

That was a vent and writing it down did get it off my chest. Great site this, glad I found it. x

Last edited by TheSteve; 7th June 2010 at 12:30 PM.
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Old 7th June 2010, 02:53 PM   #15
georgie
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Re: Hi Everyone

Yes it is great for that, amazing how much better you feel when you've said 'your bit'.

I can empathise with you. It is so hard for your childrens lives to be out of your control (for want of a better word), you want to be able to provide security and stability for them, which doesn't mean excessive material stuff, just that, they know they have a secure home and they know they are loved unconditionally. Your X does not appear to have been nearly as clever as she thought she was, she thinks she has nabbed him, but if he is equally selfish it wont be long before the new 30 something woman with no kids etc. is looking like an easier option again for him... or he may just think why should i dilute my wealth and return to wife number one, so your X is living on something of a knife edge.
All you can do is make it very clear to your kids that no matter what you are always there for them, and it seems you've been doing that. Maybe let them know that a house is just a house, homes are what matter.
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