Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > General > Coffee Shop Chat

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 27th April 2012, 01:27 PM   #1
Stupid
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Exclamation Dating sites and husbands

Hi
My story is not knew not even to me. In my heart I know the action I need to take but would just like to hear other opininons?
Four years ago I found out my husband had an affair, I don't know how long it went on for and he denied it too. I guess I buried my head in the sand and couldn't cope with what I was facing, ...........as time went by things about his affair came to light and I even found by accident emails he had sent confirming he acknowledged this lady as his girlfriend!!
Obviously he denied it all and I tried to move on and a normal life resumed though I hated myself for staying with him because as much as I loved him I only saw a stranger!!
We patched things up and I ignored my feelings and varied on loving this man, ........
Last year I found out he had joined a dating agency, when tackled his excuse was the agency had contacted him as he had been on the same agency 8 years ago where he first had an affair.........stupidly I accepted his excuse!
Now again he has joined the same dating agency, he used an old family hotmail account to receive emails from this dating site, he doesn't realise I know the password!
He joined the site 7 days ago , so far he has only registered and selected the age of ladies he is interested in, he hasn't filled in a full profile but given his DOB and area code.
............ I have had enough, I know there isn't anypoint in talking to him as he will wriggle out of this again some way or another.
Since he has done this so many times before and in some instances resulted in an affair, am I right to call it a day after seeing myself in black and White that he , my husband has opened another account on a dating site ??
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2012, 03:41 PM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Dating sites and husbands

yes I would say so. He has had at least one affair(probably more) that he wont even admit to, and has never said sorry about, and he still goes after other women on dating sites despite you finding out.. He clearly cant be trusted and has no intention of being faithful to you, so what is the point in staying with him?
I am sorry for this, it must be horrible for you, but I think that you know your should have faced up to it when you first found out.I am not one to recommend seperation/divorce for no reason, but he clearly thinks nothing is wrong with adultery.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2012, 09:14 PM   #3
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Willingness is tantamount to doing. It is only a matter of time. He is being unfaithful and has broken your trust. Marriage cannot exist in that atmosphere. Unless you are going to see a massive repentance and change of lifestyle you will be his doormat while he plays for the forseeable future.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th April 2012, 12:33 AM   #4
Stupid
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Thankyou Chosen and Raymond for your advice.
I find myself in this hopeless situation with anger and frustration in my heart yet found myself trying to rationalise his actions. My husband on the face of it is a hard working bloke, does anything to help others and is a lovely gentle man. It is this which confused me trying to work out how someone so nice has so many secrets.
Only today he takes me close and tells me how much he loves me and hates being away from me, yet I know he has registered on the dating site only a week ago!
I just can't comprehend how he can be this way .
............ This latest discretion is really the last straw for me and yet compared to everything he has done before it is minor which is why I asked for advice.
My instinct is this has to stop and that means to separate but after dealing with this off and on for so long I felt I had lost the right to cause a scene......... Silly as that may sound , I am so used to him making excuses for being on match.com and he being such a lovely man that I end up thinking I am in the wrong for jumping to conclusions.
It's odd how men like my H who appear gentle and kind to all avail can lead double lives and when presented with the proof they are messing around it's me who is made out to look as though I am being paranoid or sneaky checking up on him and then I feel guilty and in the wrong.
I am scared to face him for the above reason as I am sure he will make up some story that will make me feel so stupid?
  Reply With Quote
Old 29th April 2012, 10:07 AM   #5
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dating sites and husbands

You are not paranoid or sneaky. This is serious stuff and cuts to the intimate centre of your marriage. He obviously lives a double life and is unfaithful to you. He may be nice but is definitely not nice in this area as he is betraying you and your marriage is suffering.

You have become a kind of doormat over time as you haven't fully confronted this behaviour. Zero tolerance is needed in these areas as the marriage should be between you and him and not others. One can have friends but anything sexual should always remain in the marriage between you two. If it doesn't unfaithfulness is taking place. You need to be clear on this before you confront.

You need to definitely confront even to the point of seperation if he doesn't listen. You have to be strong. You have right overwhelmingly on your side. How can you commit to him when he is not fully committed to you.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th April 2012, 01:09 PM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Dating sites and husbands

[QUOTE=Stupid;70663]Thankyou Chosen and Raymond for your advice.
I find myself in this hopeless situation with anger and frustration in my heart yet found myself trying to rationalise his actions. My husband on the face of it is a hard working bloke, does anything to help others and is a lovely gentle man. It is this which confused me trying to work out how someone so nice has so many secrets.
Only today he takes me close and tells me how much he loves me and hates being away from me, yet I know he has registered on the dating site only a week ago!
I just can't comprehend how he can be this way .
............ This latest discretion is really the last straw for me and yet compared to everything he has done before it is minor which is why I asked for advice.
My instinct is this has to stop and that means to separate but after dealing with this off and on for so long I felt I had lost the right to cause a scene......... Silly as that may sound , I am so used to him making excuses for being on match.com and he being such a lovely man that I end up thinking I am in the wrong for jumping to conclusions.
It's odd how men like my H who appear gentle and kind to all avail can lead double lives and when presented with the proof they are messing around it's me who is made out to look as though I am being paranoid or sneaky checking up on him and then I feel guilty and in the wrong.
I am scared to face him for the above reason as I am sure he will make up some story that will make me feel so stupid?[/QUOTE]

Hi again(not going to call you stupid cos you arent)

Its not what people say that matters, its how they act. He can tell you he loves you till he is blue in the face, but his actions say different.
The thing is that I can relate. My dad was a nice man too,went to church, worked hard, in many ways was a good dad, BUT BUT BUT, he was unfaithful, a womaniser, had a long affair which led to my mother getting severely depressed, and at one time even tried to get my mums sister to spend the night with him when my brother and I were small and mum had taken us to visit one of her other sisters. Fortunately she was not interested and had morals, and she refused. I only found about that last year. Appalling behaviour, and I still find it hard to come to terms with what he did.
SO most of us arent ALL bad, but if a man isnt faithful and cant be trusted and lies and decieves, then there really is no marriage. Of course he will try to justify himself and convince you that what he does is ok, but you know it isnt. The decision is, do you put up with it like my mum did, or do you leave and end it. In my opinion you have no choice, but many women choose to put up with it and turn a blind eye because they cant bear to be alone, or they dont want the upheavel that it will bring.

Last edited by chosen; 29th April 2012 at 01:20 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th April 2012, 01:54 PM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dating sites and husbands

There is a chance he will turn around if you mean business. A confrontation will give him a choice to do the right thing. Part of it may be because you have let it go in the past. How he responds to your confrontation and threat of seperation will be crucial. You have a lot to think about but doing nothing is not an option if you value your marriage.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2012, 09:22 AM   #8
Stupid
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Hi
Again thankyou for your advice.

In my heart I know there is little point of con fronting my husband as he will tell me a pack of lies and apologise for causing me so much stress . I have seen him do things to prove how much he loves me, yet I know heart in heart he means it at the time but months down the line he will get bored with life and loom fir some excitement in his life be it buying things, starting new hobbies or trying to get the attention. Of ladies by joinining Match.com
I have seen it all with him and I am now exhausted and drained and I don't want to wait around anymore while he seeks another life behind my back.
I have spent the last 4 years thinking he would change and I believe he would I find out he hasn't changed.
All this breaks my heart and yes I am scared of being alone etc which was why I stayed before and because I didn't want a life without him...... But now..... I can't do this anymore!
The stupid thing is I am scared to confront him but as you said I just need to be clear in my head enough to feel strong and justified to stand up for myself.
The worst part is my 14 year old son and his father get on so well.. I am so worried about how he will feel separating them at this important time in his life, but i can't live with a serial liar anymore!
  Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2012, 12:36 PM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Buying things and starting new hobbies compared to flirting with other women is trifles. Unfaithfulness is massive in a marriage. That is the part which will affect you deeply.

You have to lay it on the line. You say you cannot live this lie anymore. You need some truth in your life especially in your marriage. That is perfectly understandable and honourable.

True it is a risk if you confront him but what is the alternative? You don't have a real marriage going on to be honest if he is like that. In a sense he is not worthy of it. One can have stacks of faults but this thing eats away at the marriage itself.

As I said before you have let it go a long way and therefore you need to be convinced about the rightness of your actions when you confront him about how you feel. I have no doubts personally but I am not you. I think it might take a little time before you get through, but you have to start somewhere. At the end of the day you have the option of a separation. You need to be sure you can face that before you start your confrontation, otherwise your words will not have the conviction that's needed. You have to know you can follow through, if necessary, in other words.

None of us know the outcome but our hope is that he will be shocked out of this awful unfaithfulness to you and realise what he is doing to you.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2012, 05:59 PM   #10
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Dating sites and husbands

It's your husband who should be worrying about wrecking his relationship with his son . 14 year old's are not stupid and I'm sure he's not going to be very happy when he finds out what his dad has done .

From my own personal experience cheaters don't change until something radical happens. As he's gotten away with it so many times he will think he can... right up until you put a stop to it one way or another .

It takes a lot of courage to end a marriage , but ultimately it isn't you who'd ending it . His actions have destroyed it and he needs to be accountable for that .
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st May 2012, 02:22 PM   #11
Stupid
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Hi
Courage is something I do lack.... But having gone through this now so many times and yes I dealt with it differently to get an impact to stop my husband. We did split up for 6 weeks after one episode I took him back after he fell apart, hadn't slept the whole time and couldn't eat, he totally broke down, he made many heart meant promises if I took him back and after the initial few months I realised he was back to the old tricks but hiding them better.
So yes I have shown him enough is enough but I amnot what he wants and now as much as I love him I can't spend the rest of my days wondering what he is up to, refraining from being the suspicious wife and believing in him Only to find my gut instinct was right. It makes me so foolish and the whole situation so surreal. I believe he seesno wrong doing in joining these sites and will have me belive he didn't do anything.
Here I am muttering to you all!
Why is it when I tell friends what he did they say instantly " leave the B"
When I tell them I have given up and want out because of what he did , they say aren't I being harsh and shouldn't I forgive him and start afresh with him??
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st May 2012, 06:20 PM   #12
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Your post above sends shivers down my spine . I went through similar with my ex and it took me a long time to walk away .

I thought if I just loved him enough things would change . They didn't. He had 2 second chances but he just wasn't capable of staying faithful or keeping off the porn sites and dating sites . Because he couldn't see anything wrong with it....

My ex had so many excuses , and even tried to blame me , saying I shouldn't be checking up on him. I lived in a permanent state of dread for 5 years , hated leaving him alone in the house because I just KNEW what he'd be up to the minute my back was turned. Dreaded him going out because I knew he'd be straight on his mobile to someone else. Dreaded him leaving his mobile lying around in the end because I KNEW I'd be tempted to check it , and I also knew deep down I'd find something . I always did. That told me I had no trust in the relationship and trust is essential . I couldn't trust him so there was no point us being together .

Things that have happened since have proved to me I made the right decision , even if it did take far too long for me to get there .

There is a saying . " Don't make someone your first choice if you're only ever going to be an option to them " .

Trust and respect as well as love is needed to make a marriage work . He isn't being trustworthy or respectful to you .

It's your choice ultimately , but for me .... I won't ever allow that to happen to me again .
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st May 2012, 06:52 PM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dating sites and husbands

If forgiveness doesn't restore relationship or cure the ill where is it going?

One has to question whether he had true repentance that means change or just remorse that he got caught. The latter seems to have been true.

It is possible to forgive and still end the marriage.

It strikes me that he was in a mess when you last seperated. This shows you have power on your side and it needs to be used. I think if you learn the difference between repentance and remorse you will have got somewhere. There's no doubt that something has to happen fast. You will have to learn if he is sincere or not after you confront and if so he would need to be accountable for all his internet practices in view of his past. How else will he be able to restore trust? That's if he is sincere and wants to. If not there is no future in your marriage.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st May 2012, 07:01 PM   #14
Stupid
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Thankyou for that Helen UK!
What you describe is my life at the moment, I feel as though it's happening to someone else while I am here at home acting as though nothing is wrong............
I keep looking at the profile he filled in for Match.com and there isn't any activity and I find myself falling into the doubt trap as to why he opened the account when he hasn't completed a profile properly, just his age, post code, star sign and age if potential females. I find myself rationalising his acts as nothing...... When I know he has done this so many times so many times and had an affair 7 years ago with someone he met on match and then 4 years ago that I know off. I found an account last Year too where he had emailed other women but I spoke too soon about it to him and he stopped using the account.
Why do their actions make us feel the guilty party, heaven knows.....,, but your experience is similar to mine and that makes me feel better that my reaction to take what I saw as black and White and accept it with Zero tolerance !
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st May 2012, 07:30 PM   #15
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: Dating sites and husbands

Oh I remember it well ! I thought up so many excuses for him . If I confronted him he always denied it outright and sometimes he'd make me doubt what I'd seen with my own eyes....

Like the time I found a profile on a dating site , it was a site that came up in the history on the PC . It was his age, his description, his likes and dislikes, even his star sign ! There was no photo but the fact that when I clicked on history it took me straight to the profile made it seem pretty obvious it was him ! He denied it and the profile had mysteriously disappeared when I tried to find it again .....

He always turned things round on me and deflected what he'd done by causing so much fuss over me checking up that I was the one who ended up feeling guilty and backing down.

It gets so you're not sure you can trust your own judgement . But... if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then the chances are it's a duck !

You have to place trust in yourself and respect yourself and determine not to put up with it any more ... and then you find the strength to make it clear to them that you are worth so much more than that.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is Off
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:49 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer