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Old 8th November 2010, 12:49 AM   #1
turismo
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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My fiances weight/figure is an increasing issue for me

Hi there,

I'm really hoping I can receive advice/guidance.

My fiance and I knew each other as friends for a few years before we started dating. After a year of dating, I proposed to her and we are due to get married in about 6 months time.

Before we started dating, I was aware that she had an issue with her weight and that she looked bigger than the average figure. To put it simply - she works with kids and she's received on more than one occasion the comment "Do you have a baby growing in your tummy" from one of the kids! I saw her weight as not being such a big deal when we first started going out.

Time has passed however, and her weight has become an increasing issue in our relationship, particularly now that we are going full steam ahead towards getting married in 6 months.

Over the last 16 months of us being together, I've learnt about her insecurities about her weight and her wanting to do something about it. I've always tried to be supportive and help her address it. I also encourage us as a couple to exercise regularly (walking, swimming, etc.) - I even setup for us a joint membership at a local gym, a somewhat costly membership that I continue to pay for.

She's tried going to the gym on various occasions throughout the last 8 months, but she struggles with motivation and I find that she can often be very complacent and lacks motivation. She wants to lose weight but doesn't seem to care enough to actually do something about it. To me, it seems like for every step she takes forward, she takes two steps back.

She hasn't lost weight, and quite frankly it looks as if lately she has somehow put weight on. Her main drawback is in her diet. She does eat better, drink better, and snack less since we were together - but she often slips back on this and undoes any progress she's made. My fiance is confident, strong-headed and so outgoing in areas, but when it comes to disciplining herself and motivating herself to lose weight - she just seems utterly incapable!

As her fiance, I've tried so hard to support her and help but more and more I find myself starting to give up hope. Her inability to put some proper effort into this is affecting my physical and sexual attraction to her, and it's starting to affect how I feel about her.

I'm sure many will think I'm really shallow and horrible (and I've thought this of myself many a time on this), however her weight and her insecurities are causing some of the following problems in our present and for our future together:
  1. She doesn't like photographs or video being taken - trying to get some nice photos of us that we can one day look back on them proves to be very difficult
  2. I went clothes shopping with her once - never again! It was an absolute nightmare. The sizes she expected to fit didn't, she walked out of the store in a foul mood and spent the afternoon then taking it out on me.
  3. She's bought her wedding dress - but she's not convinced she's happy about how she looks in it.
  4. She wants us to keep the lights off when we first have sex on our wedding night - our first time together as a married couple should be intimate and open, not kept in the dark.
  5. She makes passing comments about her weight (I think in search of compliments) - I find her lack of confidence to be highly unattractive.
  6. When we go out for meals, she often goes straight to the dessert menu and shows much more excitement towards the selection of desserts than any other aspect of the dining experience (This I find particularly unattractive and embarrassing when we are around other people - I imagine people thinking the same as me here - "...ah..such excitement at the desserts explains the weight problem then")
  7. Sometimes when watching a film or looking at something on the computer, she'll come to sit on my lap - this simply hurts my leg because of her weight!
  8. At my wedding, I always liked the idea of carrying my new bride up to our room at the end of the night - this won't happen given how heavy she is.
  9. About six months ago, my fiance was experiencing irregular periods. After an appointment with the doctor, results showed that she sometimes suffered with cysts on her ovaries, which prevented eggs being created on certain months. This could be an issue for if/when we try to have children in the future. She was advised by the doctor that trying to lose weight and achieve a healthier lifestyle would help to prevent this from happening again.
I've spoken with her about all this on two or three occasions over the last 10 months or so. It's usually ended up in her pretty much breaking down into a flood of tears and me feeling like the most horrible and shallow person in the world. I've told her that if it's such an issue for her (and it is for me as well), then she needs to do something about it.

I'm unsure what I'm repulsed by more - her weight or by her lack of effort in actually doing something about it.

I love my fiance very much however I'm concerned about what effect this has on my physical attraction towards her. My fiance is an attractive woman, however at this stage I'm unsure whether I'd like what I see if I saw her naked. I'm a committed Christian and my fiance and I make every effort together to work at our relationship. And it's killing me that I can't just overlook this. I want to just accept it and love her regardless. But I can't help but worry that this issue for me is only going to get worse. Part of me says that if something such as her weight can be such a big deal, then do I honestly love her as much as I think I do?

As I said, I've communicated these things to her before. And we've always sorted it out eventually and she's agreed to put in more of an effort and to take the issue of her weight more seriously. But then the promises that get made just fade away over the weeks following the conversation. It's affecting my trust and I feel that even if I speak to her about all this again, not only will it hurt her, but I'm unsure if I will trust her again if she says she is going to try.

I always saw myself with a woman who is confident and willing to put every effort into things that mean something to her. Lately, I'm starting to feel like I've agreed to marry someone who is complacent, lazy and quick to complain yet slow to act. These for me are highly unattractive qualities that I never thought I'd find in a woman I'd hope to be married to.

Our wedding plans have already started to take shape and is only 6 months away. I love my fiance very much and she has so many good qualities about her. But no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot will myself into overlooking this issue with her weight and her complacency to do something about it.

I don't wish to give up on her entirely, however I'm questioning whether it's naive of me to expect that this will improve or get sorted. The last year and a half dealing with this has been tough and put a strain on our relationship each time it has been brought up - I'm doubting whether I can honestly put up with it for a lifetime!

Please, any advice or guidance on this would be much appreciated. I feel very alone about this and like I can't speak to anyone for fear of being called shallow or a horrible person. I'm open to any suggestions or constructive advice on how to deal with this.
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Old 8th November 2010, 01:53 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: My fiances weight/figure is an increasing issue for me

This is a really really hard one to answer, because while I can sort of understand that you are getting impatient with her, she has always been this size, and was when you met, so what was it that attracted you to her then? Presumably you fancied her at the beginning when she was a similar size?Presumable you desired her when you asked her to marry you?
I do read posts from men on American forums whose wives were slim, and then put on 2 or 3 or 4 stone after marriage and I can sort of understand that rather more, but that isnt the case here.You say that you are repulsed by her and yet also say that she is attractive.Which is it? I would be devasated if I thought that my husband was repulsed by me.

Many many women have issues with their looks/size/shape etc, not just her believe me. In fact I hardly know a lady who doesnt. I think this is partly because of the immense pressures today on women to have to be slim, young, wrinkle free, have silky blond hair, perfect make up etc etc in the media etc and the implications that man wont fancy you unless you are a size 8-10.
I once read that for a woman, their man is their mirror. If she knows (and she does, believe me) that she isnt acceptable in your sight, then she will feel that deeply and it will HURT. The more she hurts the more she will feel bad and want to eat. I believe that every women wants and needs to be their mans beautiful princess, loved and adored and desired by him. Some of the things that you describe, such as her not wanting to be naked on your wedding night, show me that she feels anything but that, and feels ashamed of herself and of how you see her.Women are SO sensitive to how their man sees them, they pick things up so easily.

As for what you do, well it depends on how much you love her and want to marry her.Looks pass away anyway as the years pass, and most of us put on weight and get grey hair and wrinkles as we age and we dont just give up and reject that person then.

Do you feel that God has bought you together?I presume you do, or why would you have asked her to marry you? Have you felt that she is Gods choice for you? If so, then pray and ask God to change the way that you see her. DONT say anything about her size. Reasure her if she brings the sublect up. She isnt the one who has changed, YOU have. She was always on the largish size you say. Once you liked and accepted her and wanted to marry her, and now you dont . Ask God why that is. Ask Him to make it clear what you are to do.

Do you maybe have this unrealistic image of the 'perfect lady' and she isnt it? Do you have this picture in your mind of the women that you thought you would marry, ie Perfect, slim, attractive, confident, etc etc and she isnt like that?Do you want to be seen with a slim atrractive lady on your arm to make you feel better about yourself?(Now that is very common in men) Society plays into all of this, making men think they have to have this 'perfect goddess', who is everything that he 'needs' when in fact what he needs is a loving, kind, affectionate lady with a good personalty and a godly spirit. These are things that last when looks dont. Beauty is fleeting and vain the Bible says.

The thing is, that we ALL need to be loved and accepted AS WE ARE, and not as our spouse/fiance wants us to be. My husband spent 23 years in his first marriage with a wife who was trying to make him be someone that he wasnt. To know that your spouse/fiance is discontent or unhappy with you, for whatever reason, can be soul destroying and deepy hurtful. It damaged him greatly, and shrivled up his spirit, but he has blossomed since we met and married. His son says that he has 'come alive'.
You even seem to be ashamed of her in front of friends, Ouch.Ouch Ouch.She must feel that.

You need to do some some very serious thinking and praying(maybe also fasting), and I would also advise that you go and see your pastor, or maybe one of the elders, who you trust, and spend time with him praying and talking about this asap.

If you decide after prayer that she is the one that God wants you to marry, then STOP being discontent and committ yourself to her 100%. Love her as she is, dont EVER mention her weight or size and pray for her. The best way to get a lady to loose weight is to make her feel good about herself, help to build up her self esteem and love her AS SHE IS. Tell her she is beautiful. tell her that you love her just the way she is. Make her feel loved and special and desirable. The way to make a women put ON weight is to nag her, pressure her and make her feel 'not good enough'. She will then eat more out of unhappiness. She deserves more than that. Even if she lost weight now, she may well get bigger again when she has children, or gets older, as many do, so what will you do then? Trade her in for a younger slimmer model? You may go bald, you may gain weight, but you would expect her to still stay with you and love you I presume?
If you decide to end it, then the sooner the better. I am sure you realise that she will be devastated, and her self esteem will be rock bottom, but if you dont love her enough, and arent willing to accept her for who she is, then marriage would be a mistake for both of you. If she does actually repulse you(and that is a very strong word)wheras she didnt before, then you cant really marry her can you.
Get godly counsel and prayer and seek God BIG TIME.

It also sounds as if she needs to know more about Gods love for her and how He sees her. This will help to build up her self esteem.So many women today have such bad self esteem(I have struggled with this myself). I am sure that it is one of Satans strategies to keep them bound up. Another strategy is of his is to make men discontent with the way their wives/girlfriends look, by getting them to compare them with other women who are probably slimmer, or younger or whatever. Its all so sad.

God Bless

Last edited by chosen; 8th November 2010 at 06:26 PM.
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Old 8th November 2010, 06:53 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: My fiances weight/figure is an increasing issue for me

Chosen brings out some good points.

I think you really need to count the cost Turismo on whether you will love her as she is. She obviously has an eating problem that hopefully she can overcome during the marriage but you need to accept her on the bottom line so to speak if you are going to commit yourself for life. It is a very important decision and if you are not sure and have doubts you need to seek God yes but also if you remain in this state of mind delay the marriage. It is better that you do not enter that door until you have a full peace about it. Deadlines can put the wrong pressure on things sometimes.
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Old 1st December 2010, 10:31 PM   #4
Shorty333
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Re: My fiances weight/figure is an increasing issue for me

Turismo, I hate to say this but I honestly feel like you should do both you and her the favor and part ways. I would definitely pray about it before making any decision but I don't think one should be in a relationship feeling the way you do. I know from experience what is like to feel maybe some indifference to the person your with and trust me its not something that easily goes away. Marriage is hopefully a permanent union you enter into with the person you want to share the rest of your life with. I am not saying that marriage should be rainbows and butterflies but I also believe that there should be an overall magic to your relationship. Its that feeling that no matter what you want to be with that person no matter what until the day you die. I believe that there are a lot of great people in the world, doesn't mean that any which one of them is right for me. Though people dont like to say it there has to be a physical attraction as well as an emotional one. Being happy in a relationship requires a lot of things including feeling beautiful and attractive in the eyes of the person who loves you. I hope you can work everything out with her but honestly finding the one God wants for you shouldn't come with all these doubts especially since marriage is full of trials and tribulations itself. I think that in your mental state you should not be going on with this wedding until you get your head straight and make a decision. Dont feel pressured into doing something for fear that others will critizice or reject you. I think that your fiance needs help from some sort of a counselor to deal with her issues but I also believe you have to do some soul searching before you continue with this relationship or enter into a new one. The way I see it this girl is someone you dated, fell in love with but ultimately realized was not the one for you. Dont have unrealistic expectations or you will surely end up alone but also dont settle for what doesnt feel right. Marriage is something serious, please dont enter into it lightly. God bless.
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