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Old 26th July 2011, 03:37 PM   #1
TexasChristianHusband
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My wife loves me but is leaving

I've been married to my wife for a year. We fell in love and are still just crazy about each other. She has had so many issues in her life, suicides, mother married many times, dad in prison, husband in prison and on drugs, etc. I have two children, she has one. She has known that her son is spoiled but she feels she is making his life perfect by waiting on him, buying him things, etc. When they came to live in my house, I worked on the discipline. She feels I am on him all the time. He talks back to everyone, he has to have his way, he is messy, etc. But, he has gotten so much better in the last year and I truly love this little boy. My son is older and lives with his mom. He has been rude to my wife, ignoring her, he has given her mean looks, etc. We had a fight a couple of weeks ago and I said some awful things. Really awful. I have been in couseling and on meds for a couple of months and it was getting far better, by her own admission. This fight tore us up. For a few days we didn't talk. Now, we are communicating, sharing our thoughts and feelings. But, she is determined to move into her old house because she says she "doesn't like the person she has become". I recommitted my life to Christ two weeks ago and he flat changed me. He changed my heart, my mind, my soul. I truly got saved that day. She says she is amazed at the change. I have asked her to please not move but stay and work on our marriage. She says she loves me, wants to grow old with me, etc. but just has to do this now. We had dinner last week and I told her it was all good. That we would see each other a couple of times a month. She got panicky and said she wanted more than that. We went shopping with my daughter and her son Sunday and had a perfect day. A perfect day! She said her son was being whiny and was amazed at how I dealt with him. I am changed but she says she needs to change herself. I understand to give her time, to not pressure her, to stop talking about God's desire for us, etc. But, what else can I do? Yes, I'm one of those that wants to fix it now. I know I can't but I just want her to see the change God has made in my life. I don't think that if she leaves we have any shot of being together for years. I told her I would sell the house and we'd buy a house together. I told my son that I love him but cannot let him be disrespectful of my wife. I plan to get him for dinner, take him to places, go to his football games, but not bring him around her for a while. His mom has agreed that we can get him come christian counseling. My daughter broke down last night and said she just didn't want them to leave. I told my wife, she said, "well, this is what
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Old 26th July 2011, 03:46 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: My wife loves me but is leaving

Welcome to the site. Please poster, paragraph your letter so it can be easily read.
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Old 26th July 2011, 06:32 PM   #3
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: My wife loves me but is leaving

Hi TCH,
Can you finish your post? Was wondering what your wife said, and is she a Christian also? I think that her moving may not be a bad thing IF the designing of it is with the committment to strengthen the relationship in areas where it will, with all certainty, break down. I had attempted to move out earlier in my marriage, when my ex husband's daughter was openly hostile and causing continual havoc about him having a new wife and two more sons to raise (myself and my two boys) in "their" home. I am thinking that if I had, things would have been very different and we could have easily salvaged the marriage..we were very much in love too. I wanted to surgically remove myself (physically, not in marital committment) and my sons, because our presence there was viewed as an intrusion by someone who was too imature to accept it at the time. But my ex resisted my desire with all his might, and that took its toll with trying to force things without the benefit of time apart and good Christian counsel. The fact that you are setting your son straight will go a long way...he will have to learn that your wife and you are ONE, and not to cause havoc in a delicate situation.

It would greatly help if we knew the ages of the children involved...as they are having to go through major adjustments as well. I also think that keeping your son from the home is a very bad move, (I do not know how old he is)...he cant be expected to understand blended family dynamics this soon, and sees your new wife and her son as the reason he is feeling disconnected with you. He will think he is being heavily punished (remember, he has to make adjustments too) and that you are choosing your new wife over him....he already does not see much of you compared to his new "little brother". Those are two different relationships, but he wont connect the dots easily if you do this to him now. This is another reason why I respect your wife's idea. This is not just about your "marriage", this is about your new FAMILY and how to make necessary adjustments so everyone can have time to learn to fit in comfortably. No one needs to feel as if they are expendable, and that includes your older son. If he had been natural born (from the two of you), would you just ship him off somewhere whenever he gave dirty looks or sassed you??? How about learning to set consequences and implement them instead?

In my case, I could see a stark difference in the way child rearing was going and it caused alot of problems because there was always one set of standards for his and a different set for mine. Three of our children were early teens, but my youngest was six and has Aspergers. My ex was SO determined to keep me there since I was fullfilling all HIS needs (sexual, financial, house keeping, companionship ect..), but did not give enough weight to what was happening in the lives of all the children concerned. I could see the handwriting on the wall, but he viewed everything through the fog of his own desires. I would have been THRILLED to live just down the road and spend time with him as his wife, while allowing for all the time it would take for developing parenting skills that were suitable for all the children...and for him to lighten up on the nightly drinking. I believe this could have helped us see things from a better perspective without all the emotional drama that very young teenagers (with hormones), heavy drinking, and a child with Aspergers can cause.

Over time, the blended family strain, his drinking, other issues, and not living clear Biblical principles took its toll and we reluctantly divorced. I regreted this as much as he did, because in hindsight, it could have worked had we gone through GOOD Christian counseling and set some ground rules for everyone, including both myself and him. Children grow up and mature, and leave. The issues change and enlightenment happens (as you know), but these things cannot be rushed. I would have to commend your wife for knowing that she needs to step back for awhile. The two of you can still be together several times a week, but without the aditional stresses. Your daughter can spend time with your wife getting to know each other and be told that it will be a temporary situation designed to build a stronger union. The divorce statistics are now just as high in Christian marriages, (probably because of Porn and the difficulties in blending new families), as they are in non-Christian marriages.

Dont allow your marriage to become another statistic...give her the time and committment she needs, she will still be your wife...just like your son who does not live with you, is still your son. Also be careful if she insists on moving out, not to punish her for doing so by limiting the times spent together when she is wanting to be together. Be careful about being "unavailable" or secretive...in other words, leave the mind games for those kind of marriages who have an axe to grind. If she is not liking herself, there are reasons that need to be explored and remedied...perhaps she cannot do that in such close proximity, or perhaps there has been "too much, too soon" sitting on her "plate" and she questions which of her decisions have been good ones.

You must not act on fear. Act on love and what is in the best interest for all.

Last edited by Forever; 26th July 2011 at 11:05 PM.
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