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Old 14th December 2013, 07:56 AM   #1
touchdownlexus
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When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

I've known my husband for 8 years. Married for 4.5 years now. Things started getting bad even before marriage. Just 10 months ago I find out he has had serious depression all his life. And suddenly my last 7 years with him makes sense. 1 year at start was good.
I cheated on him online 4 years ago. After suffering 3 years of emotional battering and unavailability I succumbed to the escape route and kind words of online strangers. I'm not making excuses. I accept responsibility.

He never spoke with me. Treated me with silence and my blatant attempts to ask his support cuz I had a miserable day at work were brushed off like an annoying pest.
I wasn't emotionally. Sexually. Financially taken care of by him. He moved countries to be with me n couldn't find employment. So I attributed his grumpiness n sullen moods to him being a man not being able to provide for his woman.
I have a super flash job and never once treated Like its my money or show any signs of dissatisfaction. To protect his ego I have silently suffered and since he's a deep sleeper have even stooped down to the level of talking to his sleeping body and put his arms around me and act like my monologue is a conversation. People might say, u should've told him how u feel. I did. He shooed me away. Not like a dog but like an adorable petulant child.
I married him knowing how he's become. Hoping a job and his home ground would fix things.
In the process after few months of marriage and still no support of any form from him I started looking for people to talk. I can't to my friends cuz my friends love him, adore him and think I'm blessed to have him. And in general I have created a lovely image of him to friends and family cuz I wanted him to feel comfortable in my home ground.
Im decent looking and i get hit on by a lotta men. Also get hit on by women. I'm a bisexual. I started looking for anonymous help from strangers. Sometimes I visited psychic chat to help me with meditation and other stuff. Sometimes I went to dating sites. I never once tried anything funny with another man though I was tempted. Felt that would add Insult to his injury. But cheating is cheating. I know that. Man woman. Online. In person. Doesn't matter. But it felt good being able to talk. To connect. To feel excited. To get my self worth back. I don't blame it on my husbands coldness towards me. I blame it on my weakness and lack of strength to deal with it in a more ethical and pragmatic manner.
I was caught.... And his heart broke but we fixed it or I thought we did until I find out 15 days ago that the last four years my husband has not been in love with me. And that explains a lot of his behaviour. And though I was busy bein upset with his attitude and coldness and sudden outbursts and emotionally attacking me I never knew my cheating was the problem (though his behaviour was the same even before I cheated).
So the last 2 months I have been in his country cuz he moved here for job. This is his home ground. I'm the visitor. And things are still the same. So the excuse about him not having a job and him in my country falls flat. In the last 2 months we've had a million break ups. But I've never been able to let go.

15 days ago he broke up one last time and said its not working and he cant make me happy and disclosed that he fell out of love and its cuz of my cheating. I took responsibility cuz this came as a shock cuz I thought that was dealt with. And BEGGED him to give it another chance cuz NOW I know what the real problem is.
The last 15 days I've done serious research on how to fix stuff and how to be a good wife and how to accept him with all his flaws. How to deal with spouses depression. Allllll the how to websites and many psychological forums and websites and marriage counselling online. I'm working hard to use this last chance given to me. And I have been transformed into this wife that every man wants. The times we did have sex has been mind blowing cuz He complained he doesnt feel like i wanna have sex and i researched on how to make your partner secure in bed and feel craved for and applied it. When he complains to me. I take it into account and address the issue with online help on just plain love.
He has said he has given US a chance and not me a chance. He says he wants it too and loves me and cares about me and bla bla.
The last 15 days in reality feels exactly like the last 7 years. When I don't fix a prob it doesn't get fixed. When I don't Communicate he does not communicate. When I do not initiate he does not initiate. Last night I told him I am miserable. I am sad I am scared to come to him with any problem because i am afraid he might leave me. I was very vocal and communicative and I made it blatantly clear I need him to take initiative this time around. I said I have come to you with a grievance and will let u handle it whichever way u seem fit.
There has been nothin that I did to hurt him. My logic is when u complained I acted swiftly on fixing it. And u say u want this jus as much as I do yet when I tell you I am miserable u do nothing about it.
He has spent this whole day avoiding me or having minimal or irrelevant conversation about washing and shopping, gardening. This one time I wanna see if hell take the initiative to fix things. And like everytime these last 15 days I fear ill have to bring up the pink elephant again.

We have a long distance relationship. Everyone is happy to blame the distance. But infact it is the close quarters that cause trouble. When he works all day long I miss him and I don't get to see his emotionally cold side. Today is Saturday. He's home and I havent stopped crying.

Before you judge this MONSTER.... He's a good. Faithful. Honest. Kind. Pleasant man. He will win u alllll over in no time. I am the enemy cuz I am the only one who knows of his depression and bring it up and ask him to fix it.
All the websites say if depression is fixed most times marriage counselling isn't even required. I'm not that lucky cuz I feel depression is the main culprit.
I told him to go for therapy he sed he doesn't have money
I offered to pay for his therapy he said right now therapy isn't his priority and he has it under control. Or he says no therapist is open outside business hours. I know they r excuses but I cannot blame him for anything cuz it's his depression talking and not him. I leave in a month and at this rate nothing will even begin to get fixed and when I return its back in the usual groove until he decides he's done.
He says its. 50-50 partnership and he wants it to work. But actions speak louder than Words. In the last 15 days since we agreed to give it a chance, I feel and know that I'm dragging this dead weight all by myself.
He has no fear of losing me. He's come to terms with it. He's even told his parents we've broken up. And we decided after that we will try and fix it. And he hasn't gone back and told them we are trying to fix it.
When I broke up once before marriage cuz his depression was making him do crazy ****, he bent backwards to fix himself and us. That's a man who wants to fix things. Not this guy who is happy if things miraculously fix themselves and if not fixed "aww well tough luck"
I've never really wanted kids. He brought it up 2 years ago. I put my life on hold. Job on hold. Got medical tests done and in the process fell madly in love with the idea of kids with him. I got hormonal and went mad looking up names for kids and every mother baby site. Medical site. Then suddenly after 2 years of dreaming he says he doesn't wanna have kids now cuz relationship isn't stable. I agree but my hormones didnt. The rate at which he's showing interest in fixing US we will never be fixed and ill never get pregnant.

I know for sure when he gets treatment eventually for his depression he will kick himself and regret how he treated me but by then it will be too late.

Should I give up? Or should I grit my teeth and give it some time as I've already given So much.
When should a person say.... Ok I've done everything I give up!
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Old 14th December 2013, 05:59 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Hello,

Certainly is a monster and will need multiple posts from various people I suspect to help find you the right plan of action.

From what I have read, there are some things I don't understand. In all honestly, i'm not sure why you married him in the first place? You say you have only recently found out about the lifelong depression yet you say he use to do crazy stuff because of his depression before you got married. At that time, you didn't know it was depression - was that not a red flag to you? Why did you marry him when he had these unresolved problems?

Secondly - you cheated on him after 6 months of marriage. This is terrible for anyone at any time but after only 6 months and on someone who has sacrificed everything and everyone by moving countries to be with you would have had a truly devastating impact. Add in the depression and this is probably why you now have such a monster of a problem.

It's a very tricky one because things seemed like a complete mess before you even got married. I get what you are saying in that it was like this before the cheating, etc but the problem is, you don't know what layer of complexity the cheating has added to the bigger picture of your marriage problems.

I would imagine the only hope for you is to have professional marriage counselling. Its not optional. If he doesn't agree, you might as well throw in the towel. Hopefully, marriage counselling combined with you doing everything to earn his trust back may well get you on the right path.
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Old 14th December 2013, 08:38 PM   #3
touchdownlexus
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Thanks a lot for the balanced reply.
But he broke up just now.
He doesn't wanna fix it.
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Old 15th December 2013, 12:09 PM   #4
pmsc69
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Wow. What can I say? This post has truly hit and opened my eyes to a lot. If you don't mind I will compare this to my relationship. Not because i want to drag mine into this post but because there are so many similarities and it also explains things to me.

You say that you saw these signs before you got married but you did not know he was suffering depression. i think that everyone suffers depression at one time or another and mostly mild depression which people can cope with. However he moved country to be with you. Maybe when he did he realised that he just too a huge leap in his life and felt insecure with his decision and maybe thought that it would have been a big mistake if things went wrong. I don't know, I am just comparing it to myself. I am sure he loved you and even loves you now. It is his current condition that is making it very difficult for him to show and express. I think that the cheating is what had caused the major issue in your marriage. But the good thing is that you have noticed this and you do not hide the fact that you cheated on him emotionally or physically. That is a good strong point to have.

My relationship, which I have posted on here and titled "I have done it again", was very similar except that she was physically cheating on me in many different ways but the worst was sleeping with a house mate in the same house. When I moved to the island she was very cold with me and I felt like a puppy. We did not move in together straight away and I we made to sleep in my car for nearly three weeks and only then to be moved into the room next to her sleeping buddy. I only found out about them 2-3 weeks after moving in. All of a sudden everything made sense and it destroyed me. Like your husband I moved country, gave up my life and friends to be with this woman and she was already cheating and thought absolutely nothing of it.

Unlike her, you have taken the blame and you admitted to cheating and you 2 and to fix things. The problem is that is his his heart has been broken so badly that he may feel that he is wasting his energy as you may do it again at anytime. A one off and if you told him yourself he could understand and most likely respect you for doing so because he would feel that you loved and respected him enough to feel guilty and tell him. I am sure that deep down he does want the relationship to work. Maybe he is afraid. I also think that once he had gone back to his country that he has been scarred and that is something that does not heal easily. Long distance relationship is also very hard. After I caught her cheating and all the other sordid details I found it very hard to trust her and always panicked when I knew she finished work early and he was home early too. My situation was a night mare. Anyway, eventually she had to go home to renew her seasonal licence and that is when the issues grew more. We would chat on skype everyday but eventually I would Find that she would say that she was tired and wanted to sleep but yet stay up til 3 - 4 am online chatting and watching porn. There were times when she even said that she felt born and needed to make love. She soo. Came of skype and then stayed on line nearly all night. What I meant trying to say is that once the trust has gone it is very difficult to gain that trust again. He maybe panicking that when you go back home that you will be doing it again. It is so easy online and in most cases if the other person online lives nears the temptation is great.

I hope this makes sense. I am still coming to terms with mine but very surprised how close yours are to mine. I also fell into depression but at the same time my situation was much more intense and painful on a daily basis. but i am sure that the reasons behind his bad behaviour is the same as mine.

You say that he broke it off today for good but I can assure that he is panicking and does not want to feel the turmoil any longer. Especially if you are going back home soon. He still loves you but he can't handle the situation. I guarantee you that he will be in touch with you and he will still love.
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Old 15th December 2013, 12:57 PM   #5
pmsc69
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

I am sorry for my typing errors. Google smart prediction text us not as smart as it thinks.
.
I do feel sorry for you. For you both actually. You seem like a good honest woman and very open. I wish my ex was the same. I know kw I had behaved very badly towards her and regret what I have done but I also know that it was the depression that I fell into because of her. Unlike you she does not care or see anything wrong with what she has done and she has done much worse than you.

I think that maybe a gap for a month will let you both know if you belong together. I can see the love in your relationship and if i am not mistaken you are both battling different battles at different times.
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Old 15th December 2013, 03:13 PM   #6
ronnoco
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

That's a really good post PMS, nice one.

I also admire the way touchdownlexus had dealt with the cheating. Many wouldn't do this. I also admire the way she has tried hard to fix things. Se has clearly researched a lot and tried many different things to get things on track.

I wonder if her being bisexual might have caused more worry than usual to her husband. I just know it would with me.

It's not over until you're divorced so hang on in there for now. I hope you get some more advice from others. This is a tricky one.
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Old 15th December 2013, 03:55 PM   #7
pmsc69
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Yes this is very tricky. Like I said I am only going by my own experience. However she has proven to be a decent and honest woman. Not many people could do that.. and honesty pays. Either way it pays and that will set both of you free whether you stay together or not. I just hope it all works out well for you both. You can see the love. It is just tye issues that need to be ironed out. I have faith in this one or at least you two will remain friends.

Good luck.
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Old 16th December 2013, 12:24 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Well if he has now broke up and doesn't want to fix it where does one go from here? I assume that is what you meant tdl?
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Old 16th December 2013, 06:27 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

I think you did great starting the answers off Ronoco. I didn't have a clue this time.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 02:32 AM   #10
touchdownlexus
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Thank u guys. I am just revisiting this post.
Yes. We will be friends. But it's over.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 10:54 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Going by your post I am not sure that is a bad thing to be honest. Its seem that there were loads of red flags and issues here and I cant see how you would ever have had a stable and happy marriage. Then fact that you are from different countries/cultures can also bring big problems.
Just a bit if advise, don't get into psychic stuff, its so damaging.
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Old 22nd December 2013, 12:07 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

I thought that but didn't say it.
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Old 23rd December 2013, 01:32 AM   #13
touchdownlexus
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Thanks guys really. I've been realising how self centred he's been recently and saw how blind I was. I was never allowed to talk to him. Talking or saying anything caused a fight. The cheating was an outlet for me and if he can use that as an excuse to break up I can only see how blinded and self absorbed he is.

Have come to a point where I'm slowly starting to dislike him which is sad for me. Looking at his flaws helps me move on. But it's also making me dislike him.
It's a catch 22. All my friends n sis with who I've now shared the gory details think I'm a clown to have been with him this long
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Old 23rd December 2013, 12:09 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

I don't think we really got to the bottom of the marriage problem on here. Maybe because we didn't know enough about him.

However it seems that it is over and anything that helps you move on will be a plus. I do think cheating as far as adultery can be grounds for divorce though depending on circumstances and the choice of the one who has been cheated on. I know there are mitigating circumstances. It is hard to have a good marriage where your partner doesn't really listen.
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Old 24th December 2013, 01:50 AM   #15
touchdownlexus
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Re: When is enough really ENOUGH!!!

Raymond. Thanks for the reply. Last night out of the blue we had a 3 hour "discussion". Our discussions are always arguments.
Our main prob has always been communication. I hav always wanted to be able to communicate. And he's not big on airing and talking what's bothering him.
After a point I was AFRAID to talk to him caused over months and years of being brushed off. So much to the point that I started not communicating imp things to him.

I've had a cancer scare which I hid from him and the world for 6 years. A rape attempt by someone one I knew. Almost getting fired for no fault of mine.
I never told him all this and when I lightly touched these topics yest. I felt convinced that I did the right thing by not tellin him before.
I felt like one of those people from backward countries where the rape is the woman's fault.
He bore his eyes into me bombarding me with questions like " where did he touch u. What did u do. How many times. Why didnt u slap him ". Alllll this said in terse accusatory tones like WHATEVER i did jus wasnt enough and no wonder the guy tried to me. I didnt get a micro second of sympathy 5 years after the incident. I was shaken inside out at that time. Shivering like a leaf. Feeling dirty like most sexually assaulted women do. How wud I've handled these questions at tha time????
Which is why I told him. I hope u or ur daughter or ur next wife or any woman close to u never goes through what I did. Or even u. Hope u never go thro something like sexual assault cuz it's not something that's explainiable. The emotions. The unrequired guilt. The million showers after it happens. The fear. The mistrust. The myriad of emotions that only and ONLY a victim will understand.
And I cried after a long time and it made me feel small but it wasn't for him. It wasn't for US. It was a new found realisation of how much I'm disliking this guy everyday and to think he held the centre of my world.

He also said instead of cocooning him from pain and sheltering for disappointments which I did cuz I'm naturally a protective woman, I shudve thrown him to the lions and let reality slap him across his face and maybe what I did by protecting him was wrong. Of course hell say that now cuz he doesn't need protection anymore.
This is the guy who missed a flight on the way to see me and was stranded with no cash at a transit airport until the next day. And THAT RIGHT THERE was reality. What he did then was CRY! If anyone out there tells me THIS man doesn't need protection the that person is mad. I organised money and reminded him he has a mate in that country. I soothed him and no biggie he flew in the next day. Same story happened to me where I was stuck at a transit Airport for 21 hours cuz they offloaded me from the flight cuz I was on a standby ticket. After 21 hours of waiting I rerouted and waited again for 10 hours at a different airport. Didnt cry or reach out to him worried and broken. Life sucks. Get on with it!
I did take care of him like a baby but I had reason to. Even after we broke up once 2 months ago and he decided to change professions I said well whatever works for you. I'm leaving for home from here instead of travelling with u to a new city and departing n rerouting my ticket from there. He cries!!! He says, " aww the minute I decide I dun wanna be in this profession u dun wanna have anything to do with me"
This guy is weak and emotionally brittle WHY THE F... WOULDN'T I BEND BACKWARDS TO PROTECT HIM?
Now all of a sudden me protecting him is the root o the problem.
He goes mebbe u shudnt have and given me the reality the way it is.
Sure I thot in marriages we try and protect our spouse from harm. But that's crazy talk. We shud never protect our spouse. Throw him/her to the lions! What concept of marriage is he all about. "Good luck finding a woman who believes the same warped concept as urs!And THANK YOU. Keep talking. Only makes me see the real you even more"
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