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Old 11th May 2009, 07:27 AM   #1
chanelin
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Unhappy 7&a half years.wants marriage!

My Christian bf and I have been together for 7&a half years. I'm struggling because I want to move on. To the next chapter.
To marriage, he wants to but he is not ready. He compromised and said two years time. But I have needs, desires I'm at my wits end. We love each other very much and ending it is not an option. Threatening/making him oblige/pressuring him has only caused quarrels. I know I'm in the wrong too ): pray for us.
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Old 12th May 2009, 07:31 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Why doesn't he want to get married after 7 and a half years? What reason does he give? Of course I will pray. Can you gice your ages?

Raymond
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Old 13th May 2009, 02:39 AM   #3
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Thanks Raymond. It's really difficult as both of us are 24, and we're still studying. I have sufficient
savings to have a small ceremony (to have a proper solemnization in God's eyes) and to
ROM (go to the Registry of Marriage) as well.

However, he says he's not ready - and that he will be in 2 years.
That we will get married in two years. To trust him and all -
He has his reasons, one of them is financial - and he has plans of a big
wedding/proposal/ring etc.

I want to be able to live with him as distance is putting a strain on our relationship.
i spoke to my mum abt it - my mum asks me to wait for him to be ready, to respect him. his mum n i are also close, his mum said no point rushing him - because he will - do it out of obligation (and even he said so himself)
and so is there nothing else i can do but wait? i've been crying on and off and it's been a rollercoaster.

I really don't know what to do. I believe I have been at some fault as well.
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Old 13th May 2009, 08:28 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I think your mother is right. It is a test for you Chanelin but it is worth waiting for. You need patience. I know it's difficult but your love will win out in the end. I am puzzled about planning a proposal as that is really just the point where you ask someone to marry you.

I wouldn't advise living with him until you are married. Not that you are saying that you want to. It is difficult but you have the rest of your life to enjoy married life with him and it will be well worth the wait believe me. Do it right and you will be really blessed. I feel it's going to be a fantastic wedding made sweeter by the waiting. Wow! You will get through this time because you have to.

Raymond
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Old 14th May 2009, 03:42 AM   #5
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Raymond, we won't live together until we're married, and I want us to live together. Married, and hence that is why I want to...basically it's about finances and all too.

A Pastor replied:
Thanks for writing. I can fully understand your frustration. You are in a
situation that I don't need to describe to you, but what I can say, is that
it is not unique. Many women find themselves in this situation. I can
imagine, if you have been together for 7 years already, that you are not a
teenager anymore and it is typical that you want to plan your life, set your
goals and begin to see that you are moving toward them. That is mature and
right.

The question is why doesn't your boyfriend want to get married (or even
worse... why doesn't he want to get married to you?) Are you having sex?
Are you doing wifely things for him? Do you fulfil his needs for
companionship and company, do you respect him and acknowledge his manhood?
I am asking, because it would mean that you are giving him what he needs and
he does not return the favour. Security and commitment is a basic need for
a woman and if you want to plan to have children, which is very basic to the
nature and desire of a woman, you want to do that in the confines of a
family consisting of husband and wife with home and safe place to raise
these kids. I don't care what people say and how modern they think we all
are... these are basic to our human nature and there simply is no better
place for children to grow up secure, happy and successful, than inside a
family. Kids deserve to have their own father and their own mother in their
own home, loving and caring for them.

If you are fulfilling his needs he does not have to get married to you. He
already has what he needs without having to give you what you need. This is
one of the reasons why God wants us to keep sex for marriage. The Bible
says it is better to get married than to burn with desire... this definitely
implies that outside of marriage, you are not having sex and if you want to
stop burning for it, get married.

You are indeed in for a difficult decision, but you are going to have to
make a very serious choice. If your discussions on this topic turns to
arguments, it must make you feel really undesirable and unwanted. Think
about it... you have a man who says he loves you, but FIGHTS the thought of
being with you and committing to you. He does not want to marry you, so
that he is free to walk away. That is the horrible reality. I would
seriously question his love, his motives and his commitment. And think
about it... how does that make you feel? And how would it make you feel if
you finally prevail upon him and he 'gives in'? You want him to want to
marry you right? You want him to love you so much that he wants to give
himself completely to you and make sure no one else gets you. You would
love for him to plan a proposal and make you his wife. These are normal
things. And you want it to come from him! What is not normal is a guy who
is wasting your time, not fulfilling your needs and also preventing anyone
else from doing it, because he is just...there.

Perhaps he simply has fear of making up his mind and that would be evident
in everything else in his life. How does he make other decisions? If this
is the case, perhaps the fear of loosing you would be worse than the fear
that he marries you and find it was a mistake. But for goodness sake...
after 7 years he MUST have some picture of you.

If I was you, I would tell him that I believe it is better to separate for a
while so that he can make up his mind if you are IT for him and that he
could get an idea of what it is like when you are not there to fulfil his
needs. Either he is going to come to his senses or you are going to drift
apart and you will be free to meet someone who is not fighting the idea of
spending his whole life with you. Don't sell yourself cheap. You are worth
it and it is about time your boyfriend sees this. You say he is
Christian... then he needs to take a hard look at the Bible and see that his
behaviour is very unscriptural indeed.
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Old 14th May 2009, 07:39 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Hi Chanelin. I don't really know the reason for the very very long engagement you are in apart from the financial reasons. Mine was six months but I knew her before that. Some universities have married couples quarters where you can actually live cheaper than you are now. Two can live as cheap as one as they say.

We have a couple in our church who married young. She is in Cambridge University while he works in a bookshop in Cambridge. When she has done her degree he will see if he needs to study although he is being promoted as manager of the bookshop and helps the other branches get sorted. So a little job turned out quite lucrative. They rent a tiny house but they are very happy for now.

Although it is a trial I cannot see that it is unscriptural the way you are now. You are waiting until you are married if you know what I mean. I don't think it is a good idea to seperate as you are engaged to be married.

The problem is what is in his mind? Who knows what that is? In only a year you will need to be planning the wedding as it is hard to book churches. I know that from experience as my son got married last August at 22 yrs.

Is he afraid of the responsibility of looking after you with not enough money? Just a thought.

Raymond
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Old 15th May 2009, 02:25 AM   #7
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Relationship: Friends for about 2 years before getting together. Was water baptized in the same church.
Together for 7.5 years. so altogether knew each other for 9.5 years. Both currently studying overseas.
Background?

Not living together, not physically intimate.
I want to - on both accounts.

I'm working part time, studying full time, he's studying full time. Yes he's spends a great deal of time with family and friends when possible, and is active in church. I do not want to end it

His reply is just wait. 2 years is all he asks. He wants to marry as well. I'm not sure how to go about saying
"I can't wait" Now, or never. Ultimatum?
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Old 15th May 2009, 02:30 AM   #8
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Another reply I've got
I don't really know the reason for the very very long engagement you are in apart from the financial reasons. Mine was six months but I knew her before that. Some universities have married couples quarters where you can actually live cheaper than you are now. Two can live as cheap as one as they say.

We have a couple in our church who married young. She is in Cambridge University while he works in a bookshop in Cambridge. When she has done her degree he will see if he needs to study although he is being promoted as manager of the bookshop and helps the other branches get sorted. So a little job turned out quite lucrative. They rent a tiny house but they are very happy for now.

Although it is a trial I cannot see that it is unscriptural the way you are now. You are waiting until you are married if you know what I mean. I don't think it is a good idea to seperate as you are engaged to be married.

The problem is what is in his mind? Who knows what that is? In only a year you will need to be planning the wedding as it is hard to book churches. I know that from experience as my son got married last August at 22 yrs.

Is he afraid of the responsibility of looking after you with not enough money? Just a thought.


Another:
If you're still in college, you have no business marrying. I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but you are in college for a reason - to prepare for your future. It sounds to me like he is wanting to ensure that he does everything right to set up a sound future for you and any kids. Sounds pretty admirable to me.


What i've said thus far:
Relationship: Friends for about 2 years before getting together. Was water baptized in the same church.
Together for 7.5 years. so altogether knew each other for 9.5 years. Both currently studying overseas.
Background?


Not living together, not physically intimate.
I want to - on both accounts.


I'm working part time, studying full time, he's studying full time. Yes he's spends a great deal of time with family and friends when possible, and is active in church. I do not want to end it


His reply is just wait. 2 years is all he asks. He wants to marry as well. I'm not sure how to go about saying
"I can't wait" Now, or never. Ultimatum?


is that it then? i know it's admirable.
our education system goes, 6 years (6-12yrs old), followed by 4 years, (13-16), then 2 years tertiary (17-18) i met him at 16, and started University at 18. Completed a Bachelors degree, and an Honours degree. I'm currently doing my Masters. However in the past 5 years I have also been working and have saved up enough.
We are both 24. We do not plan to have kids in the first-second year of marriage as that is meant to save up for kids. He has completed his Bachelors degree, and finishes his Honours end 2009.
So basically, what do I do now? Just wait, like everyone else has said?


what do i do? if i have no right to get married now?
is it either WAIT or BREAK UP?
I know he wants to ensure everything will be right for the future for us and if kids come along. But we can do all of that together right? no?
:'(
i'm really sorry. and thank you.


Ask yourself why you need to be married NOW? It is likely some internal issue of yours, rather than any external issue (lose your grandma's will if you're not married by 25, etc.).


So ask yourself what exactly are you looking for by marriage that would 'fix' your life. Save money? Look good to someone? Start a family? What is the motivation?


Once you know that, you can ask the real questions on why your two views are not currently compatible.


I'm assuming that your boyfriend's view is that he wants to be established first. Many men feel that way; it is NOT a fault, in fact it's honorable. Why do you not see that aspect?


Or is he wanting to go out and party without you? That, too, is very common for people as young as you.


You need to know the truth before you can move forward.


I think I understand your situation much better now. You both have been close since high school and approached the relationship with honor and respect. You know your own love languages which is AWESOME and will help. From what you have said, I am assuming that he knows your love languages is touch and quality time. If this is true, he is thinking with his head and heart. As the time gets closer to end of college, there are much more demands of your time to focus without distractions. Please I don't mean to sound like that is a bad thing, but it does make it hard to finish. So there are a few ways to approach the situation.


You approach marriage the way he is asking. This will be hard for you and, yes, to him as well. But he will appreciate (or should at least) your sacrifice. I don't mean leave him alone completely, but just be content with the time you do have together. Then when you do get married (which I don't really think a huge wedding is important, but at least get a photographer - you can't get photos later) you will not have the stress of college burdening your time together. Also I suggest at least 3 years of marriage before children for time being married to strengthen your relationship (it is much different than dating).


You can get married now. This will cause him a huge amount of stress as a man. He will not be able to be the provider as God has commanded. You MAY have your love languages filled if he gives you the time you will want (and probably demand), and this will cause him more stress and loss of sleep to focus on his degree. If he doesn't give you the time you want as a wife, then you will feel even more lonely/frustrated than you do now.


The third approach is where you were physically closer (romantic affection). This can be very difficult (and yes, PAINFUL) for men. I would not be surprised at all if this is why he asked to refrain to minimal affection. It is not that he doesn't love you or want to be close to you. But if it was causing him pain (have you heard of blue balls? Some have not) or impure thoughts than it was good that he asked this of you.


I am not going to suggest a plan for you or him; just want to bring the logic that he may (I do not know him, this is just what I would be) be thinking.


I have seen all three approaches, and the married one (although right for some people) is very tough to go through. The stress of not knowing how to balance school, work (maybe), and marriage can get crazy.


If you know his love languages, what are they? Does what I say kind of fit his personality or am I way off? Is he very responsible with money and school? Does he ever make promises and then not fulfill them? Also do you talk about having children with him after being married 1 year. Is this something you want or you both want? That can be stressful to a man as well. When he isn't even standing on his own two feet yet, having to think about providing for alot more feet can be overwhelming. Even if you are both planning to work, it is our nature (as men) to be providers.


I will be praying that you get the guidance you need. But so far, time seems to be what may be needed. Personally I think marriage should wait for college to end - it will be less stressful in the long run.
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Old 15th May 2009, 02:34 AM   #9
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Quote:
Originally Posted by raymond View Post
hi chanelin. I don't really know the reason for the very very long engagement you are in apart from the financial reasons. Mine was six months but i knew her before that. Some universities have married couples quarters where you can actually live cheaper than you are now. Two can live as cheap as one as they say.
Thats what i think as well...

we have a couple in our church who married young. She is in cambridge university while he works in a bookshop in cambridge. When she has done her degree he will see if he needs to study although he is being promoted as manager of the bookshop and helps the other branches get sorted. So a little job turned out quite lucrative. They rent a tiny house but they are very happy for now. There are heaps of couples that marry young but he can also cite for me the equal heaps that don't get married at our age...

Although it is a trial i cannot see that it is unscriptural the way you are now. You are waiting until you are married if you know what i mean. I don't think it is a good idea to seperate as you are engaged to be married.
He's not proposed yet - so why would that be engaged to be married? I won't separate too....

The problem is what is in his mind? Who knows what that is? In only a year you will need to be planning the wedding as it is hard to book churches. I know that from experience as my son got married last august at 22 yrs.
Congrats!!! (: Aww. At 22. And the girl?

Is he afraid of the responsibility of looking after you with not enough money? Just a thought.
Yes perhaps and he wants the best for me...

Raymond
thank you r, you seem to be the only one replying...
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Old 15th May 2009, 03:31 AM   #10
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

SOMEBODY
Well, my first instinct is that he is wondering what he's missing out on. That's why I don't recommend people get serious at least until they're in college and preferably not until after graduation. IT is so very common for people to hook up in high school when they 'know' they're in love, but before they're done maturing. No offense, but I honestly think you just don't have the experience and wisdom at your age to know if you're doing the right thing. And I think it's working itself out in your fiance.

Quote:
"yes perhaps it is me and my internal issues, but aren't they valid too"

Yes they are valid, all feelings are, but I am asking you to allow yourself to see OTHER viewpoints than yours. Can you? Or are you so deadset on being married - this year - that nothing else will suffice. So what if he balks? What if you push him away with this insistence? Are you just going to look around for any other guy to fall in love with, to make sure you get to be married now?

I'm asking you to do the hard work - look honestly at yourself to see WHY you have to be married right now.

Because from this side of the screen it just looks like you are desperate to fulfill some notion of who you are, where you are at this point in your life, and what you can say you've accomplished.

You're in love, you plan on getting married, but he doesn't want to right now. So if you force the issue, he is going into it under duress. Is that really what you want? What a person who loves the other would do?

Or will you do as I'm asking, and find out what is driving this insistence?

How about a concrete pros and cons list on a piece of posterboard? So you can see what you're actually discussing?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
MY HURTING REPLY:
I guess, if he really is missing out then perhaps he should not be in a relationship.

I'm at University and this is my 5th year - at age 24 I might not have the wisdom and experience but I believe I have a certain level of maturity to know what I'm doing as well.

Perhaps I feel that at this stage we've stagnated for too long and it's been causing problems...He's not even my fiance yet, he hasn't proposed or anything. Don't get me wrong, I'm not just fixated on getting married now. I already know the fact that I will probably have to wait another 2 years, but I'm wondering if there's any possibility of shortening it to remove the strain between us. Not necessarily you need 2 years to get financially stable right? I'm not forcing him as well.

Pros & Cons of getting married?
The pros outweigh the cons...
What if at the end of 2 years he tells me he's still not ready?

my boyfriend will be very happy with you. perhaps i just have to suck it up and he gets his way. i'll have to suffer and wait. but perhaps it'll make everyone happy in the process. i guess i'm back to square one but that's the way life is.
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Old 15th May 2009, 08:59 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Chanelin I am amazed that you have been going with your boyfriend for seven and a half years and he has not proposed to you i.e. hasn't asked you to marry him. I thought you were engaged. Maybe there is some sense in what the pastor said in giving it a break to see if it is right. Surely a proposal should be forthcoming if you are talking about marriage in two years? There is something stalemate about the situation although if you have agreed to get married to each other then I suppose you are engaged, but it all seems a bit wooly in a way without a definite proposal. I think you at least need a ring to show that you are spoken for. Even Mary was bethrothed to Joseph until they got married.

Sorry to be personal but how far do you go physically? I know you are keeping pure but if he is kissing etc. I don't think he has the right to if he has not asked you to marry him. I never even held my wifes hand until I had proposed. After that I felt we could kiss and hold, looking forward to the wedding after which anything was right.

Somehow you may be driving things but there is nothing from him. I don't know.

Raymond
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Old 18th May 2009, 02:28 AM   #12
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I spent the weekend crying...
Was arguing & quarreling about all this, and more.

He says that a ring does not mean anything,
an engagement still can be broken off...

He used to be more affectionate - and him wanting to be upright he withdrew almost all forms of affection.

Hand-holding, hugs and pecks on the cheek.
For now, he's alright with nothing at all even.
Really hurts. I guess he thinks a proposal should come perhaps about a year before marriage and not 2 yrs...like engaged just before getting married.

I really don't know what to do. Suggest a break?
Not sure if I can handle one :'(
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Old 18th May 2009, 10:21 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I don't think we can get away from the idea that he wants to wait Chanelin. As he has never asked you to marry him it seems vague to me. No doubt he has his beliefs about these things and it looks like you will have to tough it out. Until he asks you to marry him you are free to a certain extent and it may be a good idea not to get too taken up with it until that proposal comes. I would act nonchalont about it until you have that proposal, after which you will be engaged. Maybe you had too much too soon? Put it on the back burner for a while and enjoy what could be your last year of freedom. Time will solve all your problems about this.

Raymond
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Old 20th May 2009, 02:16 AM   #14
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Thank you very much Raymond. I'll try to wait patiently, be content and happy.
My best wishes to you...
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Old 3rd July 2009, 04:13 PM   #15
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I do understand your situation right now. Iím just wondering what makes him not to be ready. For 7 years of being together, itís no joke after all. If he thinks about financial matters, I donít think it would be a problem. Good thing my bf donít want a long term engagement. 2 years of being together is enough for him. Though we donít have enough budgets for the wedding, he is still willing to pursue it and so I am.
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