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Old 25th October 2006, 11:55 AM   #1
SueDev
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Please advise...

Can anyone give their opinion/help on an experience I had many many years ago that I thought I’d moved on from but for some reason has started to bother me and I can’t explain why.
Here goes.
In my late teens I had a relationship with a guy through college which was quite abusive – both physically and mentally - but for some reason I stuck with it even though I was very unhappy and quite insecure. At the same time, my parents were going through a very traumatic divorce. My father had an affair and for a few years both he and his mistress were ‘very unkind’ to my mother and I saw my father beat my mother many times. I, naturally, supported my mother but found it very distressing. I was in the middle of my degree so it was tough trying to cope. She relied on me totally. Eventually, I graduated, got a good job and went back home to live with my mum and looked after her. My grandmother died after suffering a horrible death from cancer and my father left us for good the same day. Things were bad but we got through and I joined back at my local squash club and started to go out with my old friends again who were all married but came out now and again and life began to get better. My boyfriend was very resentful of this as he was losing his grip and control over me. I got a bit stronger and happier in myself and gradually started to wean myself away from this man – he used to threaten me if I were to leave him so I lived in fear a little.
I was early- mid 20’s – very naïve and innocent. I enjoyed the light hearted company of everyone at the club. There were lots of young people. I befriended a young boy that I played regularly and his mum and dad (that I admired as a father figure) - who knew my mother- and they took me under their wing and I loved their family unit.
Anyway, time passed and I finally broke away from the abusive relationship over a period of about 12 months. During this time I made lots of other friends and had a great life. I got quite close to my squash friend – he was 15/16 at the time. We had lots of fun together in our group. I’m not sure when but his feelings for me started to change and he told me he was in love with me. I resisted a lot at first – because of the age gap but I relented shortly after as I had strong feelings for him. He was protective and caring of me and we became very loving towards one another. Noone at the club knew as I was uncomfortable about the age gap. His parents knew and welcomed me.
I was very very happy. We had a lovely relationship but I guess I knew underneath at some point he’d grow apart from me and he did just that when he went to college. I was heartbroken when he ended it but had a network of friends and sport to keep me going. A couple of months later he came back to me and said he’d missed me – so we went back together and were happy together again. However, a few months in I became pregnant and he basically ran for it. I guess that immaturity was normal for a 17 year old and I had a termination. Noone knew. He didn’t contact me again and stopped playing at the club. I continued and still saw his dad and remained friendly – as if nothing had happened. Within 12 months, I met the real love of my life – a guy I worked with - and we’ve been together for 13 years ever since. There is noone else for me but him. I have 2 great children. My dad has come back into my life and I have a good relationship with him. My mum is happy for me but they don’t really talk to each other.
I’m in a career which is quite ‘male’ oriented and I’ve decided to have a career change and become a teaching assistant. I work voluntary in my childrens school on my days off and love it. Seems perfect. However. I can’t stop thinking I am some sort of weirdo for the relationship I had with a guy so much younger than myself. (He is now married with 2 children of his own and we say hello so there is no bad feeling). Why do I feel this way ?. After all the years, why do I suddenly think I should be punished for what we shared ?. It’s not something I did with intent or with any untoward thoughts – in fact it was he who always pushed things with me. Sorry to go on but I really need help with this one…
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Old 25th October 2006, 02:33 PM   #2
OutsideCentre
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Re: Please advise...

SueDev, as far as I'm aware, there's no real guidelines on age gaps in relationships...who says the man should be older than the woman & what difference in age is acceptable? To me its funny how a 16 versus 26 seems to sound far greater an age gap then say 26 versus 36...Certainly, in my opinion it really isnt that important as its the way that the couple feel about each other that counts. From what i've read in your post you seem as far from "wierd" as you can get & seem to be a kind & very normal person DESPITE the relationships & family problems that you had as you grew up & matured. To me, this is something that should be admired as despite your obvious doubts you are evidently emotionally very strong indeed. Love is a strange thing, we often dont "choose" who we fall in love with, it just happens & from what I can see you were just unlucky the first time, found someone who loved you but was not the "right one" the second time and have finally found the one who fits! To me, this is all part of life and nothing to worry about.

Look at what you have around you and think of the past as the road that took you to the place your now at!

Despite the "odds" everything has worked out great! Don't look for problems where there are none! What happened in the past, is in the past, put it behind you, no one is punishing you other than yourself - Why? With so many things to look forward to, why look backward!

Regards,

Rob.
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Old 25th October 2006, 02:36 PM   #3
Helen
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Re: Please advise...

SueDev,

I wonder if you would be asking this question if you were a man and the person you had the relationship with was a young woman? I don't know how old you were when you started the relationship - I am guessing in your mid-20s and the young man in question was around 16. So long as he was a legal age of consent and his parents were happy, there was nothing 'weird' about your relationship with him. He made you happy, you had fun together and, to the main part, it was a very positive experience. View it as such.


Helen
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Old 25th October 2006, 03:55 PM   #4
SueDev
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Re: Please advise...

Thanks for your kind replies and my husband has said the same thing to me when I’ve talked to him about it.
I think the trigger was watching an episode of HollyOaks recently when a young boy accused his teacher with whom he had an affair of preying on him and taking advantage before the age of consent.
For some unknown reason, I suddenly started thinking that was like me and I was half expecting the police to arrive for me. In reality my thinking is ludicrous because nothing was instigated by me, everything was legal and I can’t see what reason my ex would want to do this for after 13 years when he’s happily married, with children etc etc and it’s not true anyway !!.

I’m worried about how obviously down I am feeling and what I can do to cope….
Trying to understand the destructive thought pattern….
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Old 25th October 2006, 04:04 PM   #5
Annie2
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Re: Please advise...

SueDev,
Just read this thread. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down and what sounds like a bit confused. It seems as though you have had quite a lot to cope with in your life. I just wondered if changes now, job, your dad back in your life and so on, if that too has triggered off some kind of re-evaluation of your past and present. Did you ever go to counselling for any of the traumatic times? Horrible as it sounds, things do have a way of cropping up when we least expect them and in different guises. I wonder if you are thinking about that relationship because it represents such a hard time and times in your life.

For what it's worth it doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong at all but it does sound as though you haven't really dealt with all that it represented. In a way I wonder if bumping into him isn't another reminder of those times.

I wish you all the best and I would recommend counselling, if only for a quick check that you are dealing with things or have dealt with things.
Look after yourself
Annie2
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Old 25th October 2006, 06:18 PM   #6
Helen
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Re: Please advise...

SueDev,

I saw the Hollyoaks episode that you refer to. That situation arose out of spite and revenge. The older woman ended her relationship with the young man in question and he took advantage of his youth and the dynamic between them (i.e. he was her pupil at one point and she was his teacher) to accuse her of abuse because he did not want her to finish things. I think if the man you had a relationship with was going to complain, he would have done it already. He hasn't because you did nothing wrong. So try not to worry about it. Yes, he was young but so what? He was what you needed at that time.

If you don't mind me saying, I went back and looked at your first posting on this site. It seems to me (as an observer) that you carry a lot of self-doubt. You seem to spend a lot of time mulling over things that you have done and worrying about what those things say about you as a person. Now I am not saying I don't have moments of angst - I think we all do to some extent. For me, I used to worry a lot about the impression I made on other people. I spent hours, nay, days chewing over conversations, wondering if I should have said this or that differently. I near drove myself nuts!

Then came a revelation: even if I did do something wrong, bar an apology (if it was warranted) what could I do about it? Nothing. My point is, none of us is capable of time travel. We cannot go back and change what has been done. Even if you could, I don't think you should. This experience was very good for you in ways that are obvious and not so obvious and I think you would be a different person today if you had not had that experience. This is why those in the know who theorise about time travel say do not change the past because you do not know what the implications will be in your present. So my advice to you is stop worrying about what is done. It's the past and cannot be changed. If you really want to change something, learn from your experiences and bring that knowledge to your present.

You sound like a really nice, sensitive person and it would be a shame if you allowed self-doubt to plague you in this way. Try not to and, if you find you are struggling to change the way you view your actions retrospectively, I would think about having some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which will help greatly.

Take care,


Helen
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Old 30th October 2006, 12:01 PM   #7
SueDev
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Re: Please advise...

Hi Helen.
Thanks for your comments. I have been criticising myself over the past 6-8 months for every little mistake I think I have made in my life and am seriously beating myself up about it.
I think you are right about cognitive behavioural therapy and may look into this as a treatment for me. However, counselling has shown me that my thought pattern comes from the way I have been brought up – especially by my father. From a young age, he would severely discipline me for the most trivial mistakes I made as a child and if people knew what I was like they would not like me. My mum never used to defend me – she daren’t – but she was never affectionate towards me. I always craved for a happy family when I was very small. There was always someone else in the family who was much more important than me. Even when I was asked to play for my county at squash or I obtained my degree, they never acknowledged it. Being an only child it was difficult and my only source of affection was from my grandparents – who died a number of years ago.
Strangely enough, the first relationship I had was with a guy who was very controlling of me to the point of abusive and I was always made to feel worthless.
After my dad left things were very low – for my mother and myself. We stuck together and I dragged my mum along. We got on with our lives. I always strived to be happy. I had 2 wonderful relationships, firstly with this younger man and now with my husband.
I did miss my father despite his terrible behaviour although I always only remembered his good side. When he came back into my life I was very happy and proud for my husband to meet him.
He also seemed quite pleased to see me – although he never expressed it. He had a lot of issues with my mum which he took out on me – and still does sometimes - and I never answer him back. He is still very aggressive and has hurt me a lot by being very bossy and shouting at both of my children. He’s also tried to belittle my husband. Neither of us have said a word although I have talked to my children about him and told them to take no notice of granddad as he’s just strict and he doesn’t mean it.
When I talk to my father he is negative in the same ways as he was when I was a child and I think I can pinpoint that this is where my self doubt is coming from now. I can almost hear his voice in my head saying ‘ You’ll end up in prison messing about with a young lad ‘.
I don’t want to confront my dad – it would hurt me too much. He does have his good points but I think I need to learn how to deal with him and I don’t really know how.
My mum is very happy nowadays – she has her own friends and a nice comfortable life. She is a brilliant nana and is a good help to me – but never emotionally. I feel let down my both of them in one way but in another I realise I could have had much worse parents.
I think my problems with my mother-in-law has stemmed from this need of mine to be part of a loving family and her rejection of me was a huge blow. She is actually a whole lot better nowadays – her own issues in life are resolved - and she’s great with me. We have lots of good family times together.
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Old 30th October 2006, 03:44 PM   #8
Helen
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Re: Please advise...

SueDev,

I don't know if you need to confront your father. But I do think you need to be a bit more assertive with him. You are no longer a child - you are a grown woman. So what you need from him is respect and to be treated like an equal, not a whipping post. At the end of the day, your father's difficult relationship with your mother is down to his actions so it is unfair of him to put you in the firing line. Strictly speaking, it is none of your business and I would find a way to tell him this. If you do decide to go for CBT, I think part of the work you do should be about working on your assertiveness. A therapist can also help you to find the words to assert yourself. The first time is always the hardest but believe me, when you do it for that first time, you will not look back.

I have to admit, my dad used to shout at us a lot as kids. Okay, we have to tolerate certain things as kids but believe me, I let him have both barrells when he shouted at my son! My son was raised in a calm, peaceful household and the first time my dad shouted at him, he jumped in shock and cried his eyes out. I was absolutely livid and told my dad in a tone that brooked no arguments that he was never to do it again. And he didn't.

I can relate to you talking about your parents and the way they behaved towards you. I was raised in a home with no hugging and kissing and lots of physical violence. I found it really strange when I became a member of my ex's family because they are always hugging and kissing each other. Yet while my ex could hug and kiss, he was emotionally repressed in other ways. I found out later that his dad used to hit him a lot as a child and the beatings were worse if my ex cried or showed emotion. So he just took the beatings without shedding a tear/showing pain. Of course he built a wall around himself to cope and I think he carried that through to adulthood, although he would never talk about it. He also let things prey on his mind (little things that most of us wouldn't think twice about) and escalate. For example, he was once beaten up as a child and he still talked about it as an adult. He said that he felt unable to be assertive as an adult due to that incident. I have to admit, I found that really hard to understand but suggested to him that he think about having some counselling. He refused - I think because he was frightened of letting the wall down. Yet he could see that the wall was causing huge, huge issues between us. I think the most damaging thing his upbringing did was leave him unable to deal with issues. He was hyper sensitive about absolutely everything. When you are married to someone with skin like tissue paper, it is difficult, if not impossible, to talk about problems in your relationship with them. I mean I tried and tried and got absolutely nowhere with him.

I also had difficulty winning my mother's approval. My dad was more open about pride in my achievements. He taught me to tell the time when I was 4 and then went out and bought me a Mickey Mouse watch. I still have it. What made me proud was the fact that he also tried to teach my brother, sister and cousin and I was the only one who picked it up. He always came to parents evenings and was very proud when the teachers talked about how clever I was. He bought me an alarm clock when I got my first job. He was really proud. And he took the family out when I passed 13 O' Levels. Despite the violence growing up, when I think about him now, I too think about the positive stuff because it really mattered to me. My mother, on the other hand, never says a good word about me. Like you I achieved so much and she has never acknowledged any of it. I had therapy in the end and they asked me why it was so important to me to have my mother's approval? It really made me think. I had managed 30 years without it so would it make any difference if I got it now? The answer was no. What therapy also helped me to do was become assertive enough to push the negativity back at my mother. So when she said something negative, I would ask her why she said it and tell her how it made me feel. Our relationship has changed because I found my voice.

I think you might need to do a little self-analysis to find out why you have suddenly started criticising yourself over the last 6-8 months. Does this timescale coincide with your father re-entering your life? Or do you think there is some other trigger? As stated earlier, I do think you need to be more assertive with your dad. I would also explain how his treatment of you made you feel as a child. You do not want the same for your kids so, for their sakes, I think it is important that you do not show your kids that you are cowed by your dad.

I have to go - food to cook and some ironing to do (boo!).

Do take care,


Helen
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