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Old 22nd March 2010, 11:37 PM   #16
luce
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Oh my goodness Lavene. I would be gutted if i found that and so angry. I think you have to confront him - if you feel you that he is not being honest with you then it is the most natural thing in the world to go looking for the truth yourself. When my husband left i kept asking him if he was having an affair and he kept denying it. I knew he was lying but i couldnt prove it so i went looking for answers. I finally found enough evidence to confront him with when i looked at his online bank accounts (he was in a different town).

I was reading about gaslighting the other day and it does sound like your husband does just that.
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?f...ogId=355858023

I am aware that sometimes we can overworry about our partners relationships with opposite sex but my recent experience says to me that if your gut says there is something wrong then there is probably something wrong even if it has not been acted on yet. I only signed up to facebook 18mths ago because i felt uncomfortable that my husband had signed up to keep in contact with people he worked with in a different town once he left the job. Then i told myself i was being foolish and needed to grow up. But clearly i should have listened more closely to my gut because one year on he was actively in an affair with a woman from that old job. I sometimes wonder if i had confronted it right back then whether i could have stopped it progressing to physical affair. I dont know. Will never know i guess.
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Old 23rd March 2010, 01:51 PM   #17
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Lavene you seem to have uncovered something that now makes sense of his behaviour. How do you know that God is not working here to expose the problem? You have been praying. Now you know what you are up against. (Mind you I don't fully understand what it is if anyone can enlighten me. I have read bits of the book but I don't get the full direction of it. Probably because I am under time pressure just now)

I would keep praying Lavene and try to get a sense of what is next. You may well have to confront him about it but give him a bit of rope so that you can put two and two together more. He's obviously keeping it a secret from you but if he is not dealing with it himself it may be the next step to expose him in the sense of letting him know that you know. You are after healing here not punishment but sometimes that takes confrontation to start with.

He has allowed a stronghold to be built up in him which is obviously not from God and it needs to brought into the light where it cannot flourish. All these kinds of things flourish in the secret dark places. Sometimes these things are set in place in childhood through lack of nurture or something and grow from there if they are not dealt with.

Raymond
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Old 23rd March 2010, 02:23 PM   #18
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Luce and Quincy..you are 100% right. My gut is wrenched everyday. Its just now that I've shut up long enough to actually listen and observe. And the gaslighting...read up on it a bit and my next action is to let him know that im not buying his excuses or lack of a direct answer, but at the same time not trying to win by proving my point. I'm loving him anyway. I tell him everyday "You dont know how much I love you...but one day you will". Which leads me on to my next comment.

Raymond...im realising that he needs to trust me not to act crazy when his strongholds come to light or im going to be who he's fighting against and not the light of Christ. Im his help and he needs to know that I'm right here and if this aint a test of love nothing is.

Prayer and reading is all the tools I've got right now and all I have been doing. I've reduced my complaints to once a week...lol...despite wanting to mention stuff everyday. Made me realise that I was whining about little things that dont even matter when im considering what they all add up to. What ever God is doing is big! And battle is not mine!!! Today was a day of release...I was outright honest with God and had a mighty strong word at the enemy, who now knows who he's messing with.

This is part of the book description:

"The Art of Mackin' was the first how-to book that taught men how to actually become a true ladie's man , and how to use certain techniques (not deceit) in order to get what they wanted from women. Whether it is sex, money or companionship, this book teaches men what to say, verbatim, in order to reach their intended goal. By using my tried and proven methods of mackin', men are guaranteed to increase their player ratio by at least fifty percent (50%)."



Wow! The devil is an outright LIAR! But I know my God!

Today is one of the good days...but im taking it one day at a time.

(Exhale)

Last edited by lavene53; 23rd March 2010 at 02:28 PM.
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Old 23rd March 2010, 07:08 PM   #19
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Thank you Lavene. You have certainly got the right spirit.

Obviously in your position things have to be done in love but at the same time to be inactive would not be love either. There will come a point where he will have to choose to be free or not, as God never overrides our freewill.

Now you know more about what you are praying against the conviction will increase. The trick is not to drive him away but at the same time deal with the problem in him. You really need wisdom. I will ask my wife what would she do.

I am glad that it is exposed at last.

My wife's answer is that it depends on your relationship with him and how he trusts you. You will know the freedoms you have. In other words be led by the spirit which is always the case when dealing with relationships.

Personally I think confrontation would have to come at some point. Not in a militant way but in love and gently. I really think that it is an answer to prayer that you have got this far Lavene.

Ask God for a name for it if you can. The Stronghold I mean. I can feel the vibes from here.

Raymond
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Old 24th March 2010, 07:39 PM   #20
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

God's all over this. Thank your wife for me.

Name of the stronghold. I'm on it. Thank you.
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Old 24th March 2010, 08:05 PM   #21
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

........................
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Old 28th March 2010, 02:58 PM   #22
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

It gets worse. (sigh)

He has been doing some promotions of a website. Its a business he has been working on. And the best way to get the name out there to alot of people is by speaking to djs so that they will mention is and promoters so that they will put it on flyers. Thing is he seems to have found a way to do exactly what I have had problems with him doing before. He is going to clubs twice a week (which is not my problem and i trust God to deal with) to get in the ea of these djs and promoters but now he has used his promotional plan as an excuse to talk to girls in and after the club to "promote". And worse still if I talk about any of this in a way that is negative or of any concern he says he will tell me less and I am not a supporter of him and his business methods. He is even going out this bank holiday monday with some "promotional" men, getting a limo and dressing up to the hilts to "draw attention to them as promoters".

He admittedly has had low self esteem in the past and the attention he gets he enjoys but this is going too far. Im scared!

I feel like im being fake when im trying to support him and im having to pick my self up from a low every minute as my mind rests on the book he brought.

I have got a friend willing to fast with me for a day this week but i feel like im breaking down.

HELP...he aint acting that of a christian man apart from his faith in the principles and rules of the word to bring him success. He believes there is nothing for him to be convicted of.
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Old 28th March 2010, 02:59 PM   #23
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Still no word on the stronghold name yet either.
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Old 28th March 2010, 07:43 PM   #24
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

And worse...

I confronted him and I acted like a first class idiot. Got me on the snooping and he decided to leave me at my mums (where we came for the weekend) and go home (1 hour away) and he is not coming back until Thursday.

How stupid do I feel?
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Old 29th March 2010, 10:32 AM   #25
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Next day...honestly I feel like I'm going crazy. My faith is so low and even that is eating away at me. I'm a mess.
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Old 29th March 2010, 04:47 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Hi Lavene. Sorry, we have been away being grilled on our marriage by loads of 17/18 yr old catholic girls.

You are obviously going to have to pace yourself through this Lavene and use the opportunities God gives when they come and when you have the strength.

What is he actually promoting by the way? Is this an ordinary business or has he contrived it to speak to all these girls? The whole thing is very weird.

I would get your strength up now to help you to keep on the case. You will need breaks from it but not abandonment. I don't know if fasting will help this one and could be counter productive if you are not up to it, so don't get into bondage about it. Allow the HS to guide you.

What you said about self esteem makes sense. He is obviously getting a high from the girls admiration which is causing a gap for the enemy to do his work. He obviously needs healing. Maybe from childhood problems.

You may lose a few battles on this one Lavene but you can win the war long term. I'd stand back a bit for now rest and just use opportunities when they come, when he is not being defensive and open to reason. I believe he knows it is wrong deep down but while he is in the heat of it he doesn't see it because of the high he gets from it, but that doesn't make it right and he will reap what he sows.

It is good that your friend is willing to pray with you. I'd pray with her as two are better than one. If you are not up to fasting ask her to leave it and let it come from you, if at all. God will still answer your prayers, although your husband will always be free to choose the good or bad. With your prayers though he will be more aware of the right thing and God can deal with him.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 29th March 2010 at 05:16 PM.
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Old 29th March 2010, 07:24 PM   #27
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Oh what am I doing.

I couldn't stay at my mums cus I was stewing and they will get caught up in it. Technically I have left him and am on my way to my aunties in london. I'm actually on the train. He's called and tried to stop me but insists he is going to do what he planned.

I feel like I'm seeking attention now. So I feel worse. But at the same time I'm getting away. I feel if he never wants to take me back he'd move on and I would wollow until I decide to just get on. But dating and marriage would be out of the question. I don't want to live w/o him but I feel I have no place in all this and am not enough.

The business is a social networking site. Good idea its got voice recorders hence why it would be beneficial to dj's as well as ordinary folk. Advertising will bring in good revenue. The way he is going about it is wierd and I think unneccesary.

Last edited by lavene53; 30th March 2010 at 11:59 AM.
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Old 30th March 2010, 11:56 AM   #28
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Next day...this is moving quickly and i know im writing alot but writing in a journal feels too internal and is not working so here i go again. Things with the green words are his own words the rest my observations.

We went backwards and forwards yesturday and he has admitted some things.

"I want to feel welcomed and confident in myself and for far to long have people looked past me or not taken to me. I see you and other people in my life getting the attention that I want"

I would say that I am a pretty little lady in appearance, which in some part is confirmed by the propositions i turn down regulary but mainly I have an attitude of - people dont mean me no harm and im interested in them. Which has people respond to me well. I have a well rounded family (until recently both parents under one roof) and although I can be a lil naive at times I feel comfortable in life.

He is a very well groomed man but the stigma of his complextion has consumed him over the years and has impacted on his self confidence and therefore attitude. He grew up the step child with two younger siblings and a new dad that he has never been able to get over loosing sole ownership of his mum to, then came the siblings! He often comments about not being apart of things to the point where I had a graduation picture taken with him and my dad and his first comment was "i look like im not supposed to be there...like if you cropped me out of it the composition would still look balanced". He knows he is funny, lively and speaks very well creating long term friendships and admiration but hates that he is not welcomed on first impression and his views often not respected.

He is comparing himself to me, hence why he drags up my history with males up everytime i tell him "enough with the female friends and such already". If i speack profoundly about anything even to other people he underminds it so I dont feel I have the respect of others in it. Its like he's clinging on to what he got and sabotaging what I got cus he feels he has nothing else to give him the esteem boost he wants. He feels the men and women friends and aquaintences he has already has have welcomed him, but new people he has to work too hard to be accepted.

He admitted that he wants what I've got (which over the years I have learnt is shallow) to make an appealing first impression, for PEOPLE to recieve him whether it comes to being attracted to him, connect with him or feel the need to respect and help him.

I can handle this but the women part is the bit I cant handle...i admitted that this emotional gain he's going to get from the women is to too much for me to stand by and accept. He doesnt even have to cheat. It feels like im watching two people enjoy each other and I want to take it away from them like taking a bond from between two children. I admit...because of my past with another partner and the early stages of the relationship with my husband the thought of even the initial stages of what seems like an affair imobalises my rational thinking.


This is where we have come to...When he said he wants what I have got he said you wont teach me but you will not let me learn. I said its because when I learnt it I was single no one was to get hurt if I went too far. And the only way I can teach him as a male is to accept advances from males for enough time for me to analse what they do wrong and right and I would have to momentarily enjoy them and thats enough to make me feel like ive crossed the emotional affair line. Is that me being over sensitive????

After realising my previous naivities and the hunt of men for women, I became seemingly blind, deaf or abrupt in my response to mens advances to stop them in their quest for me. Especially because they tend to do it mainly when my husband is there...I refuse to believe this is a conisedence.

I told him accepting advances for the sake of note taking and learning doesnt seem right...he said (and this is where it gets different)..."you wont do that for me, youve had it already i need to experience this...ive never had it...you can come to all the events and everything with me I dont mind cus i'm not going to hurt you, i dont want anything from them that will step on your toes as my wife. I dont want numbers from women other than the ones that have contacts for this business and hopefully if im recieved well anyway i will get the numbers of men with contacts to. Its not for any contrived reason. I want you and this skill with all people. I just want to be recieved".

Its like he's pining for it. Will even let me out there to come back and teach him it. I know I only have mans way not Gods way from experience, and would have to travel emotionally dangerous roads to study and teach him. He will see that its shallow attention but backed-up with his character he can easily create bonds . I can see how it can bring us much closer together. There would have to be some EXTREME trust in each other and ourselves but it just seems like dangerous fun to learn. Like its too good to turn out healthy.

He said he would come and get me from my aunties...i said i need time and space to think without feeling like im drowing in this.


(sigh) This is weird...why is God so weird sometimes?





On another note:
I've just read a previous post of yours...about the catholic girls. Do you go around teaching groups about marriage then?

Last edited by lavene53; 30th March 2010 at 12:07 PM.
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Old 30th March 2010, 01:18 PM   #29
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Hi Lavene. I don't go around teaching. I have an ordinary job but we do sometimes go into schools as part of an organisation that arranges for you to be interviewed by classes about your marriage. A lot of them only have the media idea of marriage which is far from the truth.

Your husband seems to have a clear case of rejection from his childhood Lavene and is fighting to be accepted. It doesn't really work as you end up moulding yourself to the world instead of being yourself. I also grew up with rejection through a damaged orphan childhood. Basically I had to learn who I was in christ and how His healing and acceptance provides the security we all need. It has to be worked out in relationships as well. I'll bet that he interprets certain situations as rejection when it is not that at all. It can be a kind of complex. I think the stronghold is rejection. My brother had it as well as me. As he was very handsome he was pursued by women and took that as acceptance. He lived a very immoral lifestyle until at last he was converted. He regrets all those liaisons as they mean nothing.

Somehow your husband seems to have got into his head that acceptance from women will cure his rejection but it won't. It will go on forever until he changes and realise He is accepted by God. That is basically where our real self esteem comes from. We don't have to fight for approval. A closer relationship with God and believing what He has said about us in scripture is the answer here. Sometimes one also needs to resist the spirit of it but basically healing comes out of relationship with Christ and with God as father.

Study that aspect Lavene and you will get some insight, but it has to sink in with him eventually.

Raymond
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Old 30th March 2010, 03:08 PM   #30
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Media marriages: Yes it is VERY far from the truth. You literally see them together in the open and that's very much it, unless soaps show you the tramas and secrets of affairs.

I'll pray for him...call out the stronghold and spirit of rejection.

And yes he does pull the strangest things up from the way people interact with him and describes it most elaborately as not receiving him or taking sides.

So do you recommend I help him with his request as he has been honest and actually asked for help? Or do I say no and just stay out of the way, gritting my teeth whilst he enjoys the illusion?
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