Marriage Trouble

My wife has fallen out with me and wont talk.
I went away for the weekend with some friends to the Lake District fell running.
When I returned home everything seemed ok but there was a little tension in the air as there always is when I go away with out my wife. I do not go away alot, about twice a year if I'm lucky. At this point I should point out that we have a 3yr old daughter.
The night i got home I tried to put our daughter to bed but she wanted mummy. So I called my wife upstairs and she instantly fell out with me for not managing to put our daughter to bed by myself. She later apologised.
In the morning things seemed ok untill I was struggling to dress our daughter. My wife helped me get her dressed to a point. I then asked my wife to pass me my daughters knickers so I could put them on. My wife gave a huge sigh, chunted under breath and passed me the knickers. I was so angry, was I asking too much? Unfortunately I told my wife to 'buck her ideas up' half joking but half serious.
Since then she has barley talked to me and last night she slept in the lounge.
I apologised for what I said but explained why. It hasn't really helped. She replied by saying she couldn't stand beeing in the same room as me.

Any ideas as to what I should do next?

[Chamomile]

Hi

My h is somewhat similar.
When he is trying to do something, he constantly asks me to fetch this or/and other almost as if he needs a P.A. to carry out anything even when I am totally not well (he doesn't read anyone's body language very well)
Believe me, no matter how many times I raised this to him, he still does it.
I know that women often take up support roles such as Mum, Secretary, Nurse, Cleaner etc but maybe, your wife doesn't want to play that role, at least when she's at home with you? She wants some constant pressure off her? (Is this difficult to see?)

She sounds like very unhappy. Not many women want their partner to spend their weekends away (even when men would have to)? Maybe, you need to make up for it? Gifts? Going away together? I think, some men never adapt to his new roles within marriage very well after being married and try to be the same before he got married and the child was born. Maybe, you need to read a few books to improve or acquire new skills?

xx

[Raymond]

Maybe she would have apologised if you hadn't sailed in. It's tit for tat really which tends to escalate things. The incident will tend to get lost in all the stuff that follows. You have apologised which is good. Maybe she will apologise for her part but it is difficult if you shout at her. I would let it all subside until you can both see things clearly and make up.

She sounds a bit under stress and maybe there are other reasons why she is irritable. Is she doing too much?

Thank you for your replies. Just so you all understand, I never 'wade in' nor do I 'shout'.
My wife has given me a kiss at lunch time so although she is still upset she clearly wants to make up.

What we need to resolve though is this cycle of back biting and making up. Sadly she doesn't want to talk about it.

[Helen_uk]

Hi Adders,

As I'm sure you know 3 year olds are hard work ! I think maybe your wife is just feeling a little resentful that you can take off for a weekend when she probably feels she never gets a break. That's not to say you're not entitled to a break as well.... but perhaps you could give your wife some time off to spend on herself ? Maybe that's why she was irritated at you asking her to pass something when changing your toddler.... because she had to manage to do these things while you were away ?

If she's feeling tired and stressed it would take only something little like that to push her off the edge.

Why not offer your wife a day off to go shopping/ meet with friends/ do as she likes .. while you have your daughter ?

Helen,

I would love my wife to take some time off. As much as it would be a brake for her it would also give me some quality alone time with my daughter. Unfortunately my wife has a small circle of friends and when they have asked her to out with them she normally declines the offer. I don't know why as I encourage her to go out. I would be more than happy if she wanted to have a pampering weekend away with the girls but it never happens. I think she does feel resentment that I have time away but I keep in touch with friends and have an active social life, I always have.
She just wants me to be at home all the time with our family. I love being with my family but I can't see the problem with having a a few weekends away. It's not as if I'm out partying, I'm running up and down mountains normally in foul weather! I have an odd sense of fun!!
Thank you for your reply though. I will try to encourage her to go out.....

[Helen_uk]

Hi Adders,

of course you're entitled to the odd time off, in fact I think it's good for married couples to have some interests away from each other . It gives you things to talk about. I know some people would disagree with me but my opinion is that you don't have to be joined at the hip once married and outside interests can be beneficial if they are above board ( as yours are ).

Just because your wife doesn't accept your offer of time out doesn't mean she doesn't resent being left alone though or feel hard done by because you're going ... us women can be funny creatures !

I gather your wife doesn't share your interest in running up and down hills ? How about if you organised a weekend away together now and then ? Would she go for that do you think ?

Hi Helen,

Yes, I totally agree. Although she doesn't go away I'm sure she does fell resentment. No she doesn't run or enjoy roughing it too much either. Which is fine, not many people do, men or women.

I think she would like a weekend away the only problem is our 3yr old. We are mature parents so unfortunately our own parents are quite old. That said my mother does have her overnight so perhaps she would cope with her for two full days with just one night sleep over. I will have a word and see if I can sort something out.
Thank you for your input I feel better already. Hopefully I can make my wife happier which is what I want the most.

[Forever]

Hi,
Perhaps she feels that she cant trust you enough with your daughter so that she can go out with her friends...since you cannot seem to manage to put your daughter to bed or get her clothes on without needing help?

Seems to me that that is what is bothering her and creating stress. When husbands remain or appear "helpless" in the areas where a wife REALLY needs a break, she begins to feel chained and stressed and angry.

I would suggest you brush up on your "daddy can do it just fine" skills. SHOW your wife that she does not need to doubt your compentancy as a care giver to your daughter. Get involved in the tasks of everyday living and practice doing things for your little tyke so you can build up confidence for your wife's sake and for your daughter.

Going away or going out together wont help much...it just means more work for your wife to have to hussle with if you leave everything to her to organize. Also, when you get back, then it means everything is still at status quo if you dont learn to help in the everyday details without being asked.

Sterling observation about the helplessness to get daughter dressed without help! Mom feels she must stand by and guard her chickadee so everythiing is done right. No wonder she feels angry, stressed.

Five stars for this advice.

[Forever]

Been there, done that....it's hell with four children and a helpless husband, let alone one.

[chosen]

It does seem rather extreem that you cant go off for two days without her getting mad. After all, its not as if you were going on a drinking womansing weekend. As for her having her time, most men are more than capable of looking after their child/children for a day, or 2 days if they are given the chance. Even if it was one or two days a month that she went off on her own that may help, but maybe she just simply doesnt want that, and therefore doesnt understand why you do?
My husband goes on the occasioal mens weekend, usually one run by our church,and I think its good for men to be able to spend time just with each other sometimes. Maybe you could ask her what it is in particular that she doesnt like about you doing this? Is it just the fact that you are going somewhere without her? Or is it something that you do while you are there(apart from the running)? Do any women go, or it is just men?

The fact that grandma has the child over night soemtimes does open the way for you to be able to have at least a day and a night away sometimes together. Are there any sisters and brothers that either of you have who could have the child? Or maybe a good friend who has children as well?

Some very interesting points although I think you are misunderstanding the situation.
Putting our daughter to bed has of late been a bit of battle. Some nights she only wants me, her dad, and other nights she only wants her mum and then other nights it's both of us. I'm sure you have all been there. On my return from my little trip she wanted mum and that's all it was. I have put my daughter to bed every single night from about 3 months to 30 months. I did all the late night feeds when she was a baby. When she cries in the middle of the night I vault out of bed every time. I have loved every single minute of it so please don't misunderstand and think I'm not capable of putting our daughter to bed. Likewise I shower with my daughter every morning and mostly dress her by myself. On occasions she is more interested in playing games and she is a bit of handful to get dressed so my wife normally will help. The problem comes when I ask her to help and do some thing specifically.

As regards my running weekends, yes, there are some women that go but it is a predominantly male weekend. If I was going to have an affair or a fling I can think of a lot better places to do it than in a muddy field!

Having read your comments you have made me realise that the problem is more of resentment that have a group of friends to go away with. She doesn't so I'm still going with making more time for us to spend together, just us two.

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by Adders

1) The problem comes when I ask her to help and do some thing specifically.

2) As regards my running weekends, yes, there are some women that go but it is a predominantly male weekend. If I was going to have an affair or a fling I can think of a lot better places to do it than in a muddy field!

3) Having read your comments you have made me realise that the problem is more of resentment that have a group of friends to go away with. She doesn't so I'm still going with making more time for us to spend together, just us two.

Hi

1) I agree with what Forever says. Usually, Mothers tend to worry about her children's needs being met at all times. That pressure would be so enormous and constant (and eternally endless...) whilst the child is still so young. Maybe, you might want to cut her little more slack on a daily basis by taking more active roles in dressing, playing and cleaning her up etc as Forever suggests? Rules: you cannot ask your wife to give you a "hand". She needs to have her "me" time without you constantly asking for a "hand". When you do this, she hates you for it. x I know this because my h does this and this is very irritating. Please don't ask why. It just does. lol

2) I don't think you going away for a couple of days would be the main issue. Because her needs are not met fully at the moment, she starts to begrudge when you attempt to meet your own needs. (Jealousy?)

3) Do you, two ever go away with your child? 3 yrs old isn't too young anymore? Disneyland or something similar? There are also child-friendly cafe etc. Baby steps.

xx

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by Adders

I was so angry, was I asking too much? Unfortunately I told my wife to 'buck her ideas up' half joking but half serious.
Since then she has barley talked to me and last night she slept in the lounge.
I apologised for what I said but explained why. It hasn't really helped. She replied by saying she couldn't stand beeing in the same room as me.

Hi again

I just noticed this.

You got angry with her. Maybe, time to consider a marriage counseling? Anger is a killer in that type of situation. Anger isn't a solution but it destroys and her behaviour confirms this.
You are not reading her very well and you resorted to anger instead of talking calmly...

If you often resort to anger each time you feel frustrated then maybe, you have some problem and you may need to seek professional help.

xx