really messed up

Originally Posted by Helen_uk

Broken trust isn't mended with a few words or in a few days .

Tony,

I'm 13 months in now - and my wife still doesn't believe me. She still thinks my EA was physical. But I've told her the truth, she read all the Facebook message I sent to the OW, and has asked me all the questions.

I hurt her a great deal and have apologised for what I did, how it has affected her and for all the pain I have caused to her and my daughter.

Sometimes repentance and apologies don't work - but if you value your wife and your marriage, you have to think of what it's done to her - right now what you feel doesn't matter a jot.

It'll gnaw away until it's out in the open. You HAVE to answer her questions.

SM

[tonyw]

i really dont believe she is the type that wants to know it all but she wants to know because she wants to feel more pain then she does now .
also i feel if i do tell everything that went on , it would more destroy my marriage then make it better.
there is no way i can say that 2 years of having another woman that it was a mistake who continously makes the same mistake for 2 years plus. thats my problem
what i get asked is why now am i saying i love my wife why didnt i think of that before i started my affair , why didnt i walk away then .
how do i say it was an ego thing , another woman wanting me was a big turn on .
how do i say i enjoyed playing with fire and thought it would never burn me
how do i say i enjoyed ducking and diving
how do say i want to wipe those 2 years away
how do i say i had to see if the grass on the other side was greener
and now how do i say i just want you and never again i have been there got the t-shirt and didnt enjoy it

Use it all as a starting point - tell her all this and then answer her questions truthfully. Hide nothing.

You have to face the fact that telling her might not change her mind and that it is her decision - but tell her you must if you have any love and respect for her.

Then you have to accept what she decides - in fact, you have no choice in that.

If someone wants out, you can't stop them. She's an adult, her own person and she will make decisions about her own life.

You have the lost the right to demand anything of her. It's tough and it's heartbreaking - but that's the bottom line.

You can show her you love her - but sometimes that's not enough.

SM

[tonyw]

i have to disagree with you there if i just crumble in front of her and tell her everything i would loss more respect
she still need to know that i am still her man and still a man if you know what i mean

[Helen_uk]

Tony, to be honest I think you're still in self protect mode . That isn't going to heal the marriage.

If what you've typed in your post is truly the way you feel, then why are you trying to mend the marriage ?

What we're saying to you is : It's not about you . It's not about how you feel or what you want. If you really want this marriage to work then hiding things now will only come back and bite you later .

The only way forward for the marriage is with total honesty now. That doesn't mean you have to go into great detail , it does mean you have to answer her questions as honestly as you can.

Your marriage is hanging on a thread, start lying now - even by omission- and get found out and it's dead in the water .

[chosen]

Originally Posted by tonyw

i have to disagree with you there if i just crumble in front of her and tell her everything i would loss more respect
she still need to know that i am still her man and still a man if you know what i mean

I agree with the others, listen to them. This is NOT about you or how you will look, or how you feel, or whether it will make things worse or not, it is about HER and what SHE wants. You dont need to volunteer anything, you answer the questions that she asks.
The marriage may survive and it may not, that is the consequense of an affair, especially a very long one like this. If she asks and says she wants to know then tell her. Its not up to you to decide if she wants to know or not. Many of us here have been through marriages ending/cheating/betrayal and similar.
Tell her what she wants to know, and then give her loads and loads of time to work it through and make that decision.You refusing to be honest and open will NOT help the situation. Marriage is all about complete openess and honesty, and after 2 years of your lies she at least deserves that now.
I think you are very lucky that she hasnt already started a divorce, many women would have.Stop thinking of yourself and think of her for a change.

If you do crumble in front of her, it may just show her that you are at least sorry.

Sorry, I completely disagree with others here. The other person does NOT need to hear all the details of what was intimate and private. I think you tell her the facts, but how many times and WHAT you did with another? No, no, no.

The facts are what she saw. You had a sexual affair with another. It went on an extended period of time. Was it sex or was it love? I believe men compartmentalize those two elements. They can love one and enjoy sex with another. Many women cannot do that. You have been with your wife a long time. She was young and pretty unsophisticated right? You think she is more worldly now?

I guess following a husband to a motel says she got the picture. It seems to me in the long run, exact stories are not going to make it better, regardless of what she says. Women may say," Tell me all, but if she is not one who has been around the circuit, I think to do so is asking for worse.

I did not want to know my husbands whole intimate life or the number of women. It was not relevant to our making a life together. Am I the jealous type? No. I felt these details were his private business. I also think men should not relate details about women they have been with, as who did what and where.

The question is, do you love your wife? If you do, then don't drag her through a locker room of sexual details. You were wrong, and you regret it a thousand times. One reason why you regret it is because your wife may have lost some innocense in how she thinks about you. Your integrity and your image of a loyal and loving man may have taken a hit. I'd say exposing her to nasty pictures will not heal and you will be falling over that a very long time. Blackmail material in future? I would say yes. I think youhave to pay for what you did and did not do in this time. Maybe you need to talk to a minister or counselor on that issue.

I hope you don't go there more than need be. The new beginning is today and what you do to repair with her.

[chosen]

1aokgal we are all different, but I know that in my own life knowing what happened always helped me in the long run, rather than to be left wondering what actually went on. It has always enabled me to accept things and come to terms with them more thoroughly. We are not talking about their past sexual partners here, from before they met, we are talking about his sexual partner while they were married, which is a big difference.

I am sure that she already has nasty pictures in her head, and knowing the truth wont change that.
He needs to respect her and the fact that she has asked for more information. Thats her decision and her right.
If this lady is asking, then he needs to tell her, If she didnt want to know she wouldnt ask. If he is secretive then what is she supposed to think? Thats what got him into this mess keeping things from her, and being secretive.

[Raymond]

It's her prerogative what she wants to know. As Chosen said Tony you only need to answer her questions honestly. She is obviously the type that needs to know.

I think you ought to eat humble pie. She will respect you far more by it than you trying to keep your so called respect. Being humble and repentant over such a thing is the honourable thing and the thing that could lead to the restoration of your marriage. She will be feeling a deep betrayal but it can be mended if you take the right path and not do a cover up job.

I think we agree on the telling, but the degree of the telling, is the point. I think she needs to hear the truth.....just NOT the blow by blow details. That we agree on truth, is without question. He should not only eat humble pie, but should impress on her the deep sorrow that comes with the knowledge he has deeply wounded a woman, he realized too late...means everything to him.

Statistically..you know I love social stats..say a woman has the great capacity to love to a great degree and will most often forgive and stay with a man who has been unfaithful when he has shown his abject repentance. This is an ugly story of betrayal, told honestly by a man who has deep regrets. Infidelity is so commonplace in marriages today, that one can overlook the disaster to the spirit of a woman caught in that situation. it takes a very long time to rebuild trust and to also repair the damage it can wreak on a womans' self confidence. A wife can believe that she lacks something in her for the man to stray.

Infidelity can trigger personal withdrawal and depression in a woman who stumbles over her husbands' affair. It can be difficult to get through the injury to the psyche. Thats' why I think the truth should be related with care.

[tonyw]

firstly i agree in telling the truth , i am not shying away from that . its how much to tell and what i should not say , i am understanding everyones point here .
i know this is not about me but then it is about me and i guess thats why i am here asking advice .
to an extant it is about how i feel and how i look after this .
she has told her parents and some of our close friends.
shes on the phone saying she want me but first wants me to be punished and says she will make it hard for me to come back but she wants me back .
i need to be back with her soon , i am finding it hard to hack it here on my own
do i continue with life as usual like go to the gym , play golf etc . i am scared if she see tht i am continuing as normal she might think i dont care
am i suppose to sit in a room and do nothing

[chosen]

No I dont think you should sit in a room alone at all. However you will have to cope with being alone whether you like it or not. Millions of people are alone and it really wont kill you. Not sure that her attitiude should be one of punishing you, but I guess she is very hurt so that is why she feels this way. IF she wants you back then why not try some good long term marriage counselling?

[Raymond]

I also felt that about wanting to punish. That is not healthy for her or you Tony, although understandable in the circumstances. Revenge is unhealthy in my view and it is not our role as adults to punish each other for their misdemeanours.

All I can say is that somehow you have to allay this unhealthy response. I know she will feel betrayal and hurt and your path should be sincere repentance and a building up of the trust again which will obviously take time.

You ask how much you should disclose and the answer has been from a few of us that you honestly answer her questions. This will show her your repentance. You say she only wants to hurt herself more by asking questions, but if you are wrong in this then I cannot see how you move forwards. In a way it is a positive sign that she wants to know. Some wives would just close the door for good and often do.

In a way you have to help her not to become a bitter person and if you love her you will want to help her. Your betrayal will be like a knife you have stuck into her soul. You have broken the covenant of marriage you had with her. False humility will not help you here but the conveying of a sincere wish to put things right in the way we have described just might.

With Chosen I don't think not going to the gymn etc. is really relevant. You still need to live in a normal way. You need to convey the truth in words and deeds not in an appearance of grovelling in your room. She needs something more real than that.

Tony, I found out last year my husband, who I love, trusted and adored, cheated on me. Ok it wasn't a sustained affair, but it was still betrayal and the biggest shock I've ever had.

Believe me, I wanted the truth, the facts, I wanted answers to all my questions.

My husband was devastated when he got found out, it destroyed him as much as me. His honesty in answering my questions went a long way to helping me understand. Yes, even some gory details....I know it probably seems horrible, but I wanted to sit there with him facing me, having to tell me things a man should never have to tell his wife. But we got through it, it gets worse before it starts to get better.....but it can get better given time and a lot of patience on your side.

In my opinion the worst thing you can do now, is worry about how you come across.
At this moment in time your wife probably has little respect for you, little trust in you....so how much more can you lose by telling her what she wants to know?

The way I see it, if she has the strength to ask you certain questions then you have the balls to answer them honestly.

I asked my husband some very intimate and awkward questions, he answered them truthfully and then I could face the images head on....my imagination is much much worse than reality.

Good luck