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Old 14th January 2010, 07:38 AM   #1
Han
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My husband doesn't want sex, I am so alone and need advice

Hi,

I have been married to D for 8 years, we hardly ever have sex, and if we do it lasts ( and I am not exagerating) about 3 seconds.

The moment we got married he completely changed, he went from being caring and attentive to totally self involved. He even completely admits that he tricked me into marring him, but says that we are christian, and I cant leave him.

He has since been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome.

He lives in a world in his head, and I am not in there.

Physically most guys wouldnt mind I am thin with a large cup size, and take care of my appearance but he just isn't interested.

I am only 29, and I have done this for 8 years now, I dont want to spend the rest of my life in this empty realtionship.

Am I just being selfish?
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Old 14th January 2010, 10:00 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex, I am so alone and need advice

Doesn't sound like a marriage for someone to be completely absorbed in oneself. Wasn't there any sign of this during courting?

In what way did he trick you? Was this bedroom wise or in other ways? Whatever it was it shows your were deceived.

It is very cruel to say because you are a christian you can't leave me. We are not under the law in that sense. Sometimes divorce is necessary because we are not perfect creatures. Marriage isn't a chain but a relationship. I would think you had grounds if the whole thing was built on deception. He cannot risk being smug about that.

Raymond
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Old 14th January 2010, 07:44 PM   #3
William
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex, I am so alone and need advice

Hello,
I have been married for 10 yrs and have the sex problem as well no BS here.
The only difference is I am a male my wife does love me, however as christians we have stayed together too.
Yes Id like to go elsewhere but I feel that would only create feelings of guilt and shame.
My wife does not like to even discuss the problem. I get very disgusted and really frustrated with this issue. Outside of that I think we get along fine.
I feel like we are more room mates than anything else.
When when we first met we had sex like all the time. We could not keep are hands off eachother. Wre married and the rest is history.
Im not an expert but I don t think At your age Id be willing to stay with an individual who could out and out say "I tricked you",lets face it men don t like hearing that so why except to cause more pain would he say such a thing?
Aspergers or not don t get yourself in a relationship just to be his caregiver. Life is for the living and he needs help.
Living is to be enjoyed and sex is part of that enjoyment of marriage.
My wife and I are in our late 40s and Im not ready to leave, just to find myself in this again. I have been married a few times and I think marriage is a work in process. I think if the situation you find yourself in happened to me I think at that age and the marriage sounds onesided, Id be seeking counciling and possibly a divorce.
Bill
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Old 15th January 2010, 06:45 AM   #4
Han
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex, I am so alone and need advice

Thanks for the replies, it is so good just to be able to talk to someone about this, not feel so alone!

How did he trick me? well aspergers people have the ability to live out here in the real world, but it takes real effort, he really wanted to marry me and so he made the effort, the moment we were married he felt he didnt need to make the effort anymore, and so stopped trying and went back into his head.

So emotionally he was totally normal before we got married, a bit shy, but normal.

He also seemed to have a healthy interest in me, but being christian, we didn't have sex before marriage, - more fool me.

SO I was a virgin when I got married, this is all I have ever known.

D makes me feel dirty for wanting sex, I feel like it is probably just normal, at 29.

I basically fell like his live in Nanny, cook clean care for the kids. Thats all we ever talk about and all he seems to be interested in.

Ive said to him, other men find me attractive, if you dont want me, can we agree to an open marriage, - i mean I saved my virginity for him, and he has just thrown that in my face. Ive never had fufilling sex, there are ( on the few times there have been) that I have pretended to .. 0 .. because the councellor said it is performance anxiety, if I can make him feel good about it, he will improve. It has not worked.

So there is the sex - or lack thereof, and the emotional isolation, but it is more than that I don't get to make any choices about our life together, like we own this farm in the middle of nowhere, it takes me ages just to drive to town, I want to sell it, and at least move closer to town, I like people ( unlike him) and have friends, and have to drive an hour just to take the kids anywhere, he is only home on the weekends, I spend 3 days a week doing all the work to keep it up, I do all the lawns, and the gardens, the spraying, the firewood and home handy man stuff, and I just dont want that much work, D plans to buy more land and an even bigger house, he knows how i feel but just doesnt care that I am unhappy. We have a research business that I do all the work for, all the work, it takes 2 days a week, and it is costing us money rather than earning it, Im so sick of it I just want to stop, D wont let me, he says it is lazy and short sighted, but Im doing all the work!
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Old 15th January 2010, 02:18 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex, I am so alone and need advice

I think it is commendable that you remained a virgin until you were married. You wasn't a fool. The real problem is, as he has admitted, that he tricked you into marriage and now says you can't get out of it because you are a christian. Sounds like you were some kind of prey who is now caged. That is the real problem. If that is what he really did I don’t see why this cruel plan has to stick, even though you are a Christian.

It seems as though your marriage was just about consumated. In England marriages were absolved (and still are) without question when marriages were not consumated (no coming together).

I don’t really recommend sex on the side as that would be fornication or immoral. You really have to weigh up the pros and cons of your marriage and make a clear decision.

Raymond
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Old 3rd May 2010, 11:01 AM   #6
LinkH
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex, I am so alone and need advice

I really feel for you. It is normal for you, a woman of 29, to want to have a satisfying sex life with her husband-- frequently and for more than 3 seconds at a time. That is a normal healthy thing for a married couple.

I am not going to advise you to leave your husband. Paul received a commandment from the Lord that he passe don in I Corinthians 7, let not the wife depart from her husband. But and if she depart let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. So go finding some other guy to sleep with, either if the get a divorce beforehand or not, is not a solution. (Not that you would do such a thing, but sometimes people give advice like that.)

What needs to happen is that your husband needs to change. I will pray for him. It sounds like your husband seriously lacks empathy. I don't know much about asburgers, but it sounds like lacking empathy, not reading other people's emotions, and not realizing what other people will feel when you say something stupid may be problems that people with asburgers face.

Even if your husband has a problem like this, he is still commanded to love his wife.

What is your husband's faith like, aside from the things you mentioned that he said to you? Does he seek to please the Lord? I think the best thing you can do is try to work toward you and your husband both serving the Lord with all your heart, and letting the changes in your marriage grow out of that. Depending on where your husband is in his walk with the Lord, you can help him by encouraging him to sere the Lord whole-heartedly, praying with him, etc.

Maybe you can help him get involved in some kind of men's fellowship or seminar where they teach on sex in marriage. If he had some godly men fellowshipping with him encouraging him to be a better husband, that might help him with motivation.

Is it possible that he might want to go to marriage counselling? I don't know how people with Asburgers are about getting embarrased, but most men would be embarrased if it were made known that they weren't satisfying their wives. Never wanting to have sex and only lasting for 3 seconds wouldn't be things I'd want broadcasted. So you'd have to be careful about getting these things out in the open.

On the spiritual side of things, if your husband will study the Bible with you, have him read I Corinthians 7. Maybe you can find a good commentary or something from a website that comments on it. Find something that explains that part about the husband not having power over his own body but the wife, and not defrauding one another.

If he does have a desire to serve the Lord, and he realizes that the Lord wants him to take care of your needs in this way, maybe that will help him with motivation to improve himself in this area.

And if he tries to make you feel dirty for wanting to have sex, I don't think there is anything wrong with your pointing out that he is dirty for not giving it to you. There is a passage in the Old Testament about polygamy. If a man takes a second wife, he still has to provide his first wife with food, clothing, and sex. Sex is a wife's right.
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