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Old 23rd October 2008, 02:11 PM   #1
animemoon
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Unhappy Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

Hello everyone...

I'm christian, my husband is an athiest, we've been married only about 3 years, and our marriage has been on the rocks since before we ever got married... I have yet to change my last name, as "Divorce" has been hanging in the air since day 1.......

I take the blame for most of the problems in the marriage, I caused my husband much grief over the years, and did alot of things I shouldnt..... we knew eachother for 4 years before we got married, and every year he seems to despise me more and more......

I always did love him, very much, and wanted to get married to him, he got married to me "On a whim" because he knew i wanted it, and figured "Why not?" i had thought he wanted it at the time, but he later admitted he didnt...

he completely hates everything around me, tells me as much, and my very presence just brings him down he says..... he's always pointing out that I'm an idiot, stupid, retarded, etc..... and while he sometimes has his good moments, this just keeps getting worse..... I know i'm not that smart and cause him alot of trouble, so i usually dont mind it so much, sometimes i get to feeling lonely especially when he's around, but i always try to tell myself just to do my best, love him and do what i can....

he had started to hit me often, this was also my fault and i take full blame, at the time i intentionally provoked him..... i had alot of trust issues when we got married, i couldnt trust anyone to actually love me, and i had a "Mabye he says he loves me just because he doesnt know how awful i really am" attitude, so this started out being entirely my fault.... but things got worse, instead of just simple hitting, i started getting afraid when he had kicked my head on the wall, and tried to drag me outside by my hair.......

this mellowed down a bit, and he stopped for awhile, but we just moved into a new place, I thought this new place would fix everything, it was such a nice cozy house, a perfect setting for a 'Perfect family' and i was going to do all i could to improve myself and make things happy for him..... however he recently lost his job, and I've been having medical problems and learned i have a head tumor, which has been keeping me from being able to work at all.......

his resentment is stronger than ever, he refuses to go near me, touch me, anything..... and on the very first day of our living in this new house, while he hadnt hit me or done anythign to me in awhile.......he put his hands around my neck and tried to strangle me, i told him i'd call the police if he didnt stop but he kept going, finally he let off and i almost did call the police, he apologized and hasnt touched me since.....

i've been trying as hard as i can to get things worked out, recommended marriage counseling, tried to seek counseling myself, but idont know what to do..... i love this house we live in so much and i'm trying to keep myself focused on that for now, Christmas is something i've been looking forward to constantly because even though he hates christmas, at least during that season its hard to really be depressed during that time, and just wanted to bring all my attentions on that..

this probably should be the last of my worries, but he informed me today that i'm not allowed to put up any christmas decorations this year, we werent going to celebrate christmas at all..... he's never celebrated it before, he hates holidays, and usually i have to celebrate the holidays, christmas, my birthday, etc all by my self and alone.....

and while it may not seem such a huge deal, the thought of being in this house no christmas, no tree or lights, just alone on the holidays just simply isnt something i can accept.... i just dont feel like i can go on my whole life living this way, without anything to look forward to, without anything to be happy about.....

when i married him i knew what i was getting into, i made the commitment anyways, even though things have gotten much worse since then, i knew they probably would...... i've tried to just submit and give in wherever i could but just how much submitting must i do?
i always said as long as he's willing to be married to me, i'd do my best to make the marriage work, but he's been willing to stay married to me, not because he loves me but because he doesnt know what he'd do otherwise.......

what should i do at this point? i resent getting a divorce and know i should be loving and submissive but im just not sure how much i could put up with.......
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Old 23rd October 2008, 02:37 PM   #2
Dave
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Re: Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

animemoon,

The concept of submission in Christian marriage is in a specific context - one of complete love and protection of the wife by the husband. It is when the husband is living as he is called to, putting his wife's interests above even his own, that she is called to submit.

There is no place in marriage for violence, hitting, strangling and the totally disrespectful behaviour you describe.

You should identify a place where you will be safe - friends, relatives or a women's refuge - and make your plans to leave. Then choose your time and leave. There is more advice here on the site.

Do make sure that your bullying husband doesn't have access to the computer that you have made the posting etc from - this may place you at greater risk.

Stay safe

Dave
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Old 23rd October 2008, 07:14 PM   #3
puffalumpe
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Re: Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

Hello,
God doesn't want you to tell your husband that it is ok to treat yu this way. If you stay, it is a sure sign to your husband that it is ok to hurt you. He needs to know there is appropriate ways to treat people and inappropriate ways. It can be as simple as behavior modification. You deserve respect, regardless of marrying your husband who has no faith. You need to find a safe place to be and be clear with him about how you are willing to live. If he isn't willing to own the abuse...emotional or physical, and get some therapy then maybe you cannot stay married. I am a Christian and I know that God does not expect you to be abused. He wants you to be strong and rely on him(God) for your courage with your husband. Trust that God's will will be done. He will give you sustenance in this hard time, but that means really relying on him.
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Old 24th October 2008, 01:03 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

Animemoon, I sense you have a bit low esteem and could be in danger of thinking you deserve a bit of bad treatment, which you don't. None of us do. I agree with the others. Submission does not mean submitting to ill treatment. That would be like submitting to evil from the enemy. It seems he is treating you very badly at times. Would God want this for you as a child of his? I think not. As David has suggested you need help and protection before something bad happens. That's good common sense.

Raymond
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Old 6th May 2009, 09:41 AM   #5
Dave A
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Re: Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

Hi Animemoon,

As Dave pointed out in his post, wives were told to submit to their husbands within a defined framework. Husband were told to love their wives, even as Christ loved the church. Marriage should be built on the foundations of honor, respect and love, among other things. From what you say, none of those traits seem to be evident in your marriage.

Your words cry out for help Animemoon. You mention early in your post that you caused your husband much grief over the years and did many things you shouldn't have done. You don't say what those things were, and no one here needs to know. We all mistakes in our lives and we all are guilty of having done things that we should not have done. That doesn't negate our value as God's children. Nor does it give your husband the right to abuse you the way he has.

Throughout your post you keep saying that it is your fault and you take the blame for all of it. As Raymond pointed out, you have a very low self-esteem and do not see yourself worthy of love and respect. Every human being is worthy of love and respect Animemoon, you included. Whether your lack of self-esteem is due to the years of verbal, mental and physical abuse at the hands of your husband, or if it is rooted in some other events in your early life, you need to get help for yourself.

If you don't see yourself worthy, then your husband for sure won't see you worthy either. Start seeing yourself as God sees you; daughter of the King, child of the Most High God, a joint heir with Jesus Christ. Stay in prayer over everything. And as Dave said, make plans to go to a safe place where you can get your thoughts, your feelings and your life straightened out. Reach out for support through your church family. Lean on God and ask Him for wisdom. He promises to give to all who ask and seek diligently after Him.

I pray God's blessing and protection over you.

Dave A
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Old 15th March 2010, 03:59 AM   #6
singlemom
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Re: Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

Now would be a good time to RUN FAR, FAR AWAY! Basically, your husband is verbally and physically abusing you. You feel responsible and blame yourself, which is wrong. You are responsible for your actions ONLY. You cannot take responsibily for his actions and responses. If he hits you then he is wrong. If he verbally demeans you and calls you names then he is wrong. If he uses control to mae you do what he wants then he is wrong. Trust me, people who abuse their spouse are very unlikely to change and the abuse will inevitably get worse. You will be left with deep scars, severe lack of trust, and very low self esteem. I don't want to seem like a downer, but I'm in your shoes right now and I can tell you from experience that this will probably not get better. My husband has continued the same similar behaviors for years and it's only progressively gotten worse. I recently read a book called "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans and my eyes were opened to everything that's been going on in my marriage. You should get the book and read it. Also, see a counselor who specializes in abused woman and children cases. As much as you love him, you cannot make him change and you will always be thinking that somewhere down the road he will be better. Abusers often blind themselves to their own actions and how they hurt people. No amount of talking to him will make him understand your point of view. It will only make him more angry. It will be a hard step to take if you choose to leave, but you'll probably never regret it. Me and my three young children now live a peaceful life apart from my husband. I never knew life in general could be this calm and it's refreshing! Please, let me know if you ever want to tak and I'll be more than happy to!
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Old 13th May 2010, 08:59 PM   #7
MrsDurnin2be
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Re: Submission, how much should one take from their husband?

Wow, I cannot believe you put up with this for so long!
As stated above-Submission is for a Christian Marriage. This man does not deserve you as a wife. Run, Far far away!
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