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Old 3rd October 2011, 07:40 PM   #1
Itsasecret
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Help. I dont think I love my wife

Hi, I know you have many threads like this so im sorry but I need some specific advice for my situation I guess.

I have been married for a few years, I dont feel happy with my wife. She is very pretty, works hard for the family, it breaks my heart to think of leaving her, I feel so guilty, but I just dont feel I love her. we're both young (twenties) and have a son, and it feels sad to break up the family and my son will have to grow up with split parents which is sad.

The problem is we just dont click personality wise. I dont feel I get on with her or enjoy her company. I recently met someone who I really enjoy the company of, a girl who is intelligent and really nice to talk to and I really think I would be happy with this girl.

Here is the plot twist. The girl is a prostitute. She doesnt want to be there and has a tragic story and I know it would be the greatest thing if I could be with her and take her away from that life. I know many would not want to be with someone who had that profession but please dont comment on that part as you havent met her and for me this is no problem, I dont like people to be judgemental as you dont know other peoples situations.

I want to leave my wife and spend some time with the other girl and help her change her life. Im not wanting to leave because I met the girl, I was already considering it, and even if it didnt work out Id only want to meet someone else I click with. Sex isnt an issue with my wife, we have great sex so this isnt about lust. I thought it was. But I realised its about not getting on with my wife, our personalities simply dont match.

I wanted to know from other people who were in my situation, and either stayed or left, did you regret it? How did it work out for you?

the thought of leaving my wife is very hurtful indeed. The thought of staying for the rest of my life with someone I dont truely love also isnt nice.

The problem is, I dont know if this is just a stage that a marriage goes through or if me and my wife arent compatible. Should I ride out the difficulties and expect the good times to come along or hould i leave now and let me and my wife find people we truely love.

I feel terrible and the thought of hurthing my wife and breaking up my family devistates me.

I really need to talk about this so anyone who is able to discuss would be greatly appreciated, especially sharing peoples experiences who made a decision long ago and can share the results of that.

Also, I need some tips on how to increase my love for my wife. Either I need to leave her or learn to love her. there is a family at stake here. I am not repulsed by her or anything, I just dont feel I get on with ehr or am deeply in love with her. Thanks for reading
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Old 4th October 2011, 03:02 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

You are a married man and a father. You have no reason to leave your wife and child. You need to cut off ALL contact with the other lady NOW, and put 100% of yourself into your marriage. You think the other women is the right one. She isnt. She is messing about with a married man and you are living in fantasy land. Take all of the focus off this prostitute and onto the women who you recently promised to be faithful to and to be with for the rest of your life. Your poor wife, I do feel for her.You need to lerarn what it means to be faithful and to be committed to your wife and child. Marriage isnt all about excitment and feeling 'in love' all the time, it is about being togather in the good and bad times,working on the weak parts, being good parents to the children, and NEVER ever thinking of leaving your spouse for no reason. Be a man and grow up. You are being incredibly selfish and thinking of ruining your wife and childs life. People like you make me so angry.
Presumably you loved her when you married? Spend time with her. Have date nights with her once a week. Stop any contact with this other lady, understand that marriage is for life and get on with it. Your wife sounds like a nice lady, stop looking elsewhere. You have responsibilities now, you are not available to see or get to know other women, They are off limits to you and you are off limits to them. You choose to marry and have a child, you cant just throw them away like a used dishcloth.

How did you meet this other lady anyway? I am hoping that you didnt go to her for sex.
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Old 4th October 2011, 08:28 AM   #3
Sillyman
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Itsasecret,

Morning. Interesting tale you tell. I can tell from chosen's words that she's not impressed.

What I'd say is this. The grass is rarely greener and you'd look back on splitting your family one day and regret it. I hate to quote songs, but love is a state of mind - you can choose it or not.

And I find it strange that you'd leave a beautiful and pretty wife, who you say sex is good with, for such a lady. I won't judge people's choices - sometimes you do what you gotta do - but others may.

Can you imagine your wife being happy to let her child stay with a woman who has such a past if you do split up your family? I find it hard to believe she would.

Do yourself a favour - put this behind you, learn that you are not on a mission to save this woman, don't confuse sex (I assume that's how you met) with anything more and give your marriage and family your full attention.

SM
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Old 4th October 2011, 06:15 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Good advice from both which I agree with. I think you are deceived IaS and would be throwing everything good that you have away. I don't sympathise with you one bit and feel you ought to resist this impulse with as much strength as you can muster.

Marriages go through different stages and it is time for you to love your wife with your will until feelings come back.

There's really no discussion. If you carried out this idea it would be totally wrong from any angle and your family would be another tragic statistic.
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Old 4th October 2011, 06:21 PM   #5
Itsasecret
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

I actually went to the brothel btw everyone. Im hideously ashamed to admit it and I know what a hideous person I am. Surely my wife is better off without me. The prostitute girl is really decent girl in a tragic situation, as non of you met her you probabily have a very different image of her. I know it sounds crazy but she was an amazing girl in the sense of how we got on as people, and we talked a lot, I think I am made for this sort fo person, my wife is very prim and proper, I cant stop staring at women when I walk through town. Im a bad person and I ended up going to a brothel which I never thought Id do, my life is a mess and I believe my wife is better off without me and I believe me and the other girl will be happy and I can help her change her life around. I know it sounds crazy, I know im throwing away the sun and the moon, but Im just not happy, should I stay in a marriage im not happy in? I just dont feel a connection to my wife. Its so painful, the situation im in. I dont want to hurt my wife. she is strong and no doubt will move on and will not be the type to beg me to stay, she will say if you arent happy its better to go
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Old 4th October 2011, 06:30 PM   #6
Itsasecret
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Ive just realised how messed up our society is. It must shock some of you that I went to a prostitute. I never did it before. I feel as a mess, I think society is messed up, we're all pretty messed up. May God help us all
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Old 4th October 2011, 06:35 PM   #7
Helen_uk
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Itsasecret ,

Bringing a third person into a marriage is never a good idea . It won't help , and you have to ask yourself what kind of woman would have an affair with a man knowing he was married.

In my book you have 2 choices. Work on the marriage and try to rekindle the love you had or leave .
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Old 4th October 2011, 06:46 PM   #8
Itsasecret
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Helen, the girl is a prostitute and has no idea whether im married or whatever as we only spent 30mins together in a brothel. She is in that situation i.e. working there because of circumstances and not because she wants to be there. I really feel for her.

What kind of a man goes to a prostitute. So I need to leave as my wife deserves better anyways.

I am aware of these two choices, the problem is, which do I take and can I truely love my wife feeling like I feel now?I dont see how I can love her if its just not in my heart
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Old 4th October 2011, 07:01 PM   #9
Helen_uk
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Ok, there are 2 takes on this . Love is a verb ... some say you can choose to love .

I've been in the situation where I was married to a man I didn't love. I stuck it out ... for many , many years . In the end I made a decision that we BOTH deserved better than that . I left .

That may not be the right decision for you , there were other factors involved in my decision . What there wasn't was another man. It took me a long time and a lot of soul searching to make that decision .

What seems wrong to me is to leave a marriage because of or for another person. A third person muddies the waters and it isn't a fair way to treat a spouse.

30 minutes is not enough time to spend with someone to decide you want to be with them, that you want to leave your wife. Her being a prostitute ( in my opinion ) is beside the point . It has a bearing on your marriage but not on your decision to stay married or leave .

I do have empathy with your situation , I do know what it's like to try to make a marriage work when your heart isn't in it . Lots of people will have no sympathy for you and tell you , you should make your marriage work regardless . I felt it wasn't only not fair on me but also not fair on my then husband, he deserved better . He didn't agree at the time, but has since found someone who loves him the way he deserves and is very happy .

I just think, as already stated that getting into any kind of relationship before ending and recovering from a present one is not the best way of doing things .

Last edited by Helen_uk; 4th October 2011 at 07:07 PM.
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Old 4th October 2011, 07:55 PM   #10
Sillyman
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Just to play devil's advocate - you leave, get together with the OW, it could work, it may not - when your child is asked in school why their parents split up.... 'daddy ran off with a prostitute'.

I know I am dreading having to explain to my daughter why her mum and I split - I didn't cover myself in glory. Could you handle that? And the unending venom you would open yourself up to?

It's just one of a million things you'll have to deal with.

SM
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Old 5th October 2011, 12:44 AM   #11
Forever
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

I would say that your wife is far, far better off without you as you suspect. If thirty minutes with an "intelligent woman who is easy to talk to" is all it takes to finish unraveling your committment to your family then by all means, please leave. Set her free to find someone who will cherish her more than you cherish the idea of being with a strange prostitute while she is still young, sexy and beautiful.

Thirty minutes here, thirty minutes there...would that yearning EVER really end if you forced yourself to stay with a woman you love far less than you "loved" being with a total stranger?...You live your marriage lusting for everything you see? Well then, better get to it!!! Your soul mate awaits you! Ditch that wife and son for crying outloud...dont you know what excitment is waiting just around the corner?!!

Not to worry, as soon as you tell her what you have done and how you really feel about her, she will agree that she and your son will be better off too.

Best Wishes

Last edited by Forever; 5th October 2011 at 01:38 AM.
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Old 5th October 2011, 01:53 AM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Dear Itsa,

Please, DO leave your wife and child before you destroy all your lives with your walks "on the wild side." Be sure and tell her that your heart is black as coal. You can't honor your marital vows because you'd rather bury yourself in the same flesh everybody else has bought and paid for in the brothel.

If this pretty prostitute gave you conversation with the sex she was burning up your dollars with time wasting. She is not paid to "get along and talk to the John or have things in common" which isn't on the menu. If she talked a lot, she filled in time which counts except where filling time is so she can hurry to get to the next penis. You are into fantasy. This prositute has nothing personal except for the money in your trousers. She is not even interested in what else you have in your trousers because they are mostly the same. It is a numbers game. She is not there because you turn her on sexually. She is there, as you pointed out, because she HAS to be. She likely has a pimp who gives her social life which she doesn't want with her paying cuustomers, like you.

I hope you brought no disease home when you do your marital duty at home because, as you pointed out, your pretty and smart wife doesn't need that. She has enough with a cheating husband who has lost God in his life. You are a straight narcissist and are unconcerned for anyone except what you want and feels good to you. That is Hedonistic at its' best to be so unconcerned how your actions affect others lives.

Do this family the biggest favor and get out as soon as you can. This family will get along OK without you because right now you are not an asset. You are a huge liability.
You seem to have no conscience or that what you did was wrong and or that how you think is abnormal. If you can sit and consider how you felt about her and the child you could not weigh their lives next to a paid adventure of 30 minutes.

The best advice I can give would be that you go your own way before you take all their lives on the road you walk today. A man can make a mistake and still find redemption and make a good life. I don't see any feeling in you to do that. If you thought differently you would give thanks a good woman shares her life with you. I am sure she will be broken hearted to hear how you think here. It would be better if you don't destroy all your lives on how you want to live your life. You said she is a strong woman and she will make a good life without you.

There are thousands of men who would trade everything they own to be in your shoes. As a father, you have a chance to mold a young life in your son to be a moral and upright man. How you live and think can influence his life. You mentioned you thought it was sad he has to be brought up in a broken home. That is all this means to you. That makes me believe that you must have been brought up in such a home. Perhaps that was the childhood you had.

If sex was non existent at home, then it is sometimes true a man might think to stray, but your thinking is that it is your right do as you choose. Your son needs a father who will stand morally erect and teach values for him to grow strong and decent to make a good life. You seem to not be that man today. It will be a sad thing for the woman you married to know that you consider a paid sex partner as more important than your life with her. If she hears the truth she will want you to leave.

You want to save this girl, you said. Does that mean you want her to give up the money and service you for free lessons in living? Was the sex that great? She can judge a married man who comes into a brothel is as two faced as a man can be. So you have little you could teach her about living. The money she earns is at least earned honest in services delivered, and services paid. You live a lie. You can teach this girl nothing she doesn't already know about men. These girls are trained to make each man feel distinct and important. That is about the money. It is like a test ride in a new car and meant to impress to get a return customer. When your money dries up, she has others who pay. If you saw her out on the street she likely wouldn't even talk to you.

I hope you spend some time looking in the mirror and wonder what happened to make you the person you are today. You have some huge choices to make. If you cannot live a life that is honest and love your wife and keep your marital vows, then let her go. Don't live a double life and steal her love away.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th October 2011 at 02:21 AM.
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Old 5th October 2011, 02:15 AM   #13
1aokgal
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Forever..

Your sensible advice is always right on track.
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Old 5th October 2011, 10:28 AM   #14
Chamomile
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

Hi

Yes, it's a complete, non starter isn't it although I can appreciate men become fixated by these gorgeous, young, accessible women.

I do admire your honesty in revealing what you said, Itsasecret.
Most men may not want anyone else to know these things besides himself. So, you are confronting the issue head on.

You feel for this gorgeous, talented, young woman as she seems genuine and nice but I agree that she is probably earning her living by doing her best as she could right now? It's no surprise you fall for this type of girl (seemingly available and widely open and accessible?) when your marriage is not quite going right and you were lonely at the moment?

You just have to think wisely as to how financially feasible to divorce your wife and go completely solo. There are many other costs involved e.g. emotional, moral and many others. If this young, fresh faced lady is genuinely interested in you, then you would have to tell your wife. Having said that there's no guarantee that this love affair would ever evolve into something more long-term.

Having said that. This is far more important: if you think she may have been trafficked into the country for being sold off to a brothel for prostitution, then it's important that you contact the authority, immediately. Her family back home may not even realize she was sold off to a brothel. I think this is one unsavory aspect of adult industry.
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Old 5th October 2011, 11:10 AM   #15
Itsasecret
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Re: Help. I dont think I love my wife

this forum reminds me how out of touch christians are with the world. I agree Ive done a terrible thing and Im a mixed up person no doubt. But to say im a narcisist and everything else, im cut up inside. Dont you realise how mixed up society is today? a lot of people are doing stupid things because they are hurt inside and are lost in this crazy world. You should not be so judgemental. I already know my wife is better off without me. The prostitute is not more attaractive than my wife btw Its not about looks, I thought it was, and that was what lead me to the brothel in the first place, I thought I just desired other women as I couldnt stick to one women. I ended up picking someone who looked the same although slightly less attarctive to my wife. We got on really well and at the end she was talking to me about being friends outside of the brothel and maybe leaving what she is doing, we got on really well, I have never clicked with anyone like this before, we are on each others wavelength. My wife is better off without me but the prostitute might not be, maybe her life is better with me. In which case, Im doing the best favour for everyone if i leav her. I wont tell my family what i did as there is no point hurting them, I will leave and let them get on with their lives, suport the family still in any way I can.

Please dont be judgemental, Im a mixed up person and hurt inside and needed someone to talk to, not someone to judge me
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