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Old 8th February 2010, 11:12 AM   #1
BigAl
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empty marriage?

I am having to face an empty marriage and it hurts
My wife and I got married about 6 years ago, and things have gone downhill recently, we are seeing a counsellor to try to talk through things.
Some of our problems stem from us not communicating very well, we used to have arguaments, like blazing rows, but the rows have gone and its now just so diificult to get back our relationship as it was.
She says I don't really listen, and now we are caught up in a blame game, it is really depressing, the days seem so grim at the moment, it's hard to see someone who used to love you end up resenting you, I feel so tired we have had months of analysis, and we go back to square one, what has happened to the joy and kindness we used to have, does this mean I should give up, should we seperate?
We share a house with her parents at the moment and I don't see my family at all, I think this all getting a bit too much for me in many ways, I feel the relationship is definitely not what it was any more, and there are outside presures for us as well, we don't have children.
Anyone help?

PS. Please no simple answers, if you've been there and can help (not batter us) it would be appreciated!
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Old 9th February 2010, 02:07 PM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: empty marriage?

You haven't said what the problems are BigAl except for communication. You should definitely not give up. There are things you need to do. My wife used to say I didn't listen and we used to sit down and I tried to listen. It didn't work very well as it was too keyed up for some reason. What I do now is listen but not necessarily make an instant comment and think about it for a while. When I come back to it I have really thought about things and even prayed about them and the problems get solved. We have this idea when things get heated by holding a cushion. When she holds it I only listen and say nothing. When it's my turn she passes the cushion to me. That way there is no big argument.

I think your problem is to win her back by showing love in any way you can, listening included. When they want you to listen it doesn't necessarily mean they want things done their way. It may mean they want you to consider their input properly before a decision is made.

Can you tell me what her love language is? What is the top way that she perceives love? Is it quality time, gift, words of affirmation, touch (not meaning sex just hugs etc) or acts of service? One of these will be her prime love language. If you find that out and do it that will be a good start.

I take it you are a christian posting on this part. Therefore you will know that husbands should love their wives and live with them in understanding.
If you have to start by loving your enemy then that is a good start as well. You have no reason to divorce and you need to work at it. You can change as I had to. It's possible with Him. Don't wait for her to change. It starts with you.

Raymond

ps Valentines day is coming up. Use it to convey something uplifting for her and let her know how precious she is, because she is. Don't wait to feel like it. Whiners wait to feel good before acting Winners act and feel good afterwards.
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Old 9th February 2010, 04:14 PM   #3
koliver0821
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Re: empty marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Let her know how precious she is, because she is. Don't wait to feel like it. Whiners wait to feel good before acting Winners act and feel good afterwards.
Exactly. Shower her with attention. Hell or high water. Just give love in any way and you can be sure your wife will respond. But also let her know what it takes for you to feel love.
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Old 9th February 2010, 04:24 PM   #4
koliver0821
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Re: empty marriage?

Sorry, maybe that was too short. My wife and I are going through similar issues. Its a simple a truth. You may not be liked all the time by your spouse. what you need to get over is the feeling of the blame game. If she is blaming you for something, there is a feeling behind it. Try to understand the feeling behind it. My wife was constantly attacking me verbally. Telling me to do this, do that, etc. However, what she was really telling me was that she needed help around the house. Of course, it took me being separated from my wife for just one day to see that. I started listening to what she was saying even while she was attacking me. I know its made a world of difference. She's noticed it. And you can get your wife to notice it too. That empty feeling you have is something she is not providing to you. What is it that you want from her. Remember, if you are playing a blame game. Two people are involved and the traffic goes in both directions.
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Old 9th February 2010, 08:18 PM   #5
Raymond
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Posts: 6,409
Re: empty marriage?

I find that a good point. ie when you are having an argument try and look past it and you will often find there is a cry from her heart within it. You have to ignore the bad but be sensitive to hearing what is coming from her heart.

Back to love though, as that is what is needed now, as you say your marriage is empty. It won't stay empty for long if you mean to do something about it. Arguments can be a sign that one values their marriage and really wants the best. Silences of the wrong kind can be killers, so try and fill them with love and life even if it will now take some time. You have to fight.

Raymond
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