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Old 4th June 2010, 06:25 PM   #1
crystalClear
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Question How to decide on marriage?

I'm 31 and a Christian. I met my fiance at a difficult time in my life where a lot of 'bad' stuff happened to me and I fell away from Christian teachings and became disillusioned with the Church. He helped me in so many ways although he was not a Christian. We got along well and liked doing similar things and talked for hours. I went from being seriously mentally ill to feeling loved and got better, it may sound silly but all I needed was to be loved and accepted as I'm very shy and find it difficult to form friendships. He declared his feelings for me but i have never felt 'in love' romantically, like the spark is missing. I am not a shallow person and have always said I value love over looks, job, material status etc and am a bit of a romantic in that sense. We moved in together in that difficult period but a couple years past and I went to Church to feel Gods Love and forgiveness, I felt ashamed that I had turned away and viewed God as judgeing me and me not being good enough for Gods Love, but I realized the true message of Jesus during a hymn which was that he loves me regardless and that you can never be perfect enough for Gods Love which makes the fact the he died for our sins all the more heartbreakingly amazing. I cried in Church realising his love and felt like someone coming home after being in the wars...however the lifestyle I had I felt God wanted me to change (living with my partner) but I couldn't change it because I had moved location a lot and thus had no friends or relatives around and no money as I was studying so unless I became homeless I had no choice! We stayed living together but I have recently moved back to my Mums house about 4 hours commute from where I work. My partner asked me to marry him 2 years ago, I thought I would feel joyful but I felt more like a rabbit caught in the headlights, he was so unhappy at my hesitation and so I said yes and felt quite happy about it for a couple of weeks but whenever we plan the wedding and it becomes more official I totally freak out because I'm scared of making the wrong decision, as I don't have romantic lovey dovey feelings for him. Yet I am happy with him and worry if I leave him I'll sink back into a deep depression. We planned to get married this year but I'm in a state of panic! I feel I want a spiritual connection and some emotions, but emotions can be overrated. It bothers me that I'm not attracted to him but I can find others attractive. We have talked about all this but he leaves it up to me, he says I need to decide either way and I think this is fair. I feel I don't want to 'settle' and worry I'll get married and meet someone more spiritually compatible, I also have a married friend who is deeply unhappy and keeps looking for affairs even though she has kids and is a Christian! I don't want to be unhappy like that. It's quite a long description but it's a complicated setup! I've read articles for and against 'settling'. There is also a guy at Church who seems so strong, i.e. goes to Church on his own and reads the Bible and is very decisive, whereas my partner kind of puts everything on my shoulders and I can't even decide what sarnie I want! I'm 31 though and think if I leave my current relationship I'll be living at my Mums and wont meet anyone else and be a total reject. My head has a crazy argument fore and against marriage and even though I pray for guidance I remain inconclusive..blah,
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Old 5th June 2010, 08:46 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

I don't think you ought to go ahead if you don't have peace about it Crystalclear. The thought that comes to me is do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. God might well have a christian man lined up for you. What if you missed this? Wouldn't you be pulling in different directions spiritually. I would get counselling from your pastor. Personally I always knew I should never marry a non christian.

Raymond
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Old 12th June 2010, 08:03 AM   #3
crystalClear
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

Hi Raymond, thanks for the advice. He became a Christian and goes to Church with me now. I think 'having peace' about things is probably good advice, although I don't have peace about a lot of major life decisions and can't settle on a career. I'd like to believe that if I decided against then another door would open, but things don't always work out that way. I've had a series of unfortunate things happen through my convictions in the past, I guess I'm scared of making decisions especially ones which can impact the rest of your life. Marriage is an intimidating prospect yet it's something I've always wanted! Maybe it's not so intimidating if you're with the right person, if that person even exists!
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Old 13th June 2010, 08:59 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

If you want to do the right thing Crystal God will guide you whatever you decide. He is interested in our daily walk. I think all of us can do a number of things. It is not always one big thing all the time for everybody.

Marriage though is a very important big decision and you do need to get that right. I hope your boyfriend has genuinely become a christian. Sometimes this can be feigned to manipulate so be wise.

Raymond
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Old 14th June 2010, 02:18 PM   #5
crystalClear
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

If you feel very strongly about your partner being a Christian this is true and if you're attracted by someone's faith (which can often be for show) but then who you fall in love with isn't so organised sometimes..Not in relation to me or my situation but it also says in the Bible (1 Corinthinas v12-16) that if you are married to an unbeliever your wife/husband is sanctified through you. I have seen cases of Christian friends marrying someone they have fallen in love with and the person turning to Christ through that relationship. In extreme cases I have also see a young family torn apart because the husband was not a Christian and because the Church they went to (extreme) turned the wife against her husband. They met recently on her death bed where she told him she had always loved him and regretted leaving him. Relationships are complex things! People should be born with signs around their neck saying 'the person you're supposed to share your life with is '.....', that would solve a lot of grief!
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Old 15th June 2010, 08:19 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

Those couples in the bible where only one was a christian is surely those situations where only one had been converted. The scripture does say do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. It is important to use your head as well as your heart although this is not popular in these days.

There is no guarantee whatsoever in marrying a believer that they will be converted.

Raymond
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Old 4th July 2010, 04:07 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

If you are having any doubts then dont do it. Marriage is challenging enough if you are 100% sure, but it may well be God giving you these doubts. I would suggest having a time apart of, say, 6 months of no contact, and see what happens during that time.
No God doesnt want us to settle for second best. He sounds like a nice guy but he may well not be right for you.
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Old 4th July 2010, 07:48 AM   #8
Jeff Childers
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Re: How to decide on marriage?

Paul does not, of course, mean that the unbelieving husband is saved by the faith of the believing wife. Clearly, he only means that the marriage relation is sanctified so that there is no need of a divorce. If either husband or wife is a believer and the other agrees to remain, the marriage is holy and need not be set aside.

The fact that 1 Corinthians 7:14 is not speaking of some type of household salvation is clearly seen in the rhetorical question that Paul asks in 1 Corinthians 7:16: “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” The obvious answer is they don’t because only God knows who will be saved and who will not be.

I understand the fear of change and the fear of loneliness. Do you believe that god can provide you a mate? Are you able to wait for gods timing? Are you mentally health enough for rigors that is marriage. Building and maintaining a strong marriage is the most difficult job that we humans face.

Depending on where you look the divorce rate is between 50-67%. In this number, one or the other started being disillusion within 12 months with divorce occuring within 48 months. An average of 2 years for recovery.

I would suggest you find a mentor a lady with 30 years of marriage under her belt. A christian lay who you respect. Make a list of expectations of what you want from marriage. See what she thinks use her experience to groud yourself and your expectations. Far to many run into marriage and the reality begins to set in. This person isn't killing themselves to make me happy. The things that drew us to them is a distant memory from the hectic day to day of children, jobs and social engagements. Love fades and regret sets in.

Don't be fooled by this idealistic movie love. This he/she makes me happy thing. No person has the abilty to make us happy they can enhance this feeling but we make ourselves happy.

Good luck on your decision. Dig into the word. Stay open for god to speak to your heart.
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