Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 30th May 2010, 12:23 PM   #1
Fairy
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 19
New here

Elo everyone, please bear with me as i am going to pour my heart.here is my story...

Today is Sunday and I no longer feel like going to church.I am married 4 years now and I am just tired, discouraged and angry.Not at God, but myself and my husband.

He is the perfect guy in a sense that, we both met virgin,and connected instantly and wanted to be together as soon as possible.I had trust in him as he was a good person, raised well, nice parents.unlike my parents who argued all the time.I felt secure.Even when few months before the wedding, he was pushing for sex, i didn't resist too long because i thought we are going to get married anyway so why wait for the D-day.that was my mistake i think...I was extremely commited church goer, part of the choir, evangelismand everything else you can think of...my church has a strong preaching basis.my husband 's dad is a pastor so he too basically grew up in a church.But my commitment faded away when we made up before the wedding and i was feeling obiously guitly and ashamed that i wasn't able to prove to my fiance at the time that i firmly believed in keeping myself for the wedding night.We both agree that we will join his dad's church but H.wanted to break away from his dad's hand upon his life so we set out to find a church that will fit both our liking and create a new begining from boh of us.
My disapointment started when I realised that H. was relying on me to make those kind of desicions.he would go to any church i would choose.basically , he would follow my lead.and it has been that for every part of our living together.I wasn't expecting to have a husband who just sit there and let the wife decide.i was not prepared for that.we moved church about3 or 4 times and everytime, i wasn't happy with the way things appear.and he would agree too and we will move on.you might say that i am quite attached to my old church but by respect for him, i don't want to drag him there.he dosen't like going there anyway but felt he had to.
Every Sunday, we go to church late because he waits for me to wake him up, and he is the one spending hours getting ready while i run everywhere to dress the kids as well as myself and wait by the car with everyone.I have never been in my whole life, late for church.it's about commitment.I am very disapointed to see him taking our commitment to church so lightly.may be he doesn't take me very seriously since i was able to sleep with him breaching my own line of conduct.
I found it difficult to go back to my old self of unswerving church worker.Having young children and a not so supportive H.might be part of it but is it really?it is just me.I am discouraged that he let me down.being a pastor's sn and having grew up in church doesn't necessarily mean, a person mind is transformed.

Secondly,I am a stay at home mom.
H.who has always lived with his parents and just moved out when we got married, was just learning about life.I don't think mentally he is prepare to grow up.that's the impression he gives me.If i need a hug from him, he will behave as if he is a poor child that needs affection.that turns me off.he doesn't get that i need a strong shoulder to rest my head.he will sometimes wants to put his head on my shoulders to have some sort of comfort.It might be just me but, i am very uncomfortable with this.

Thirdly, He lost his job seven month ago.well, he didn't lose it he simply resigned because he didn't like the position he was in.
He knew he could just resign because his dad was able to provide him financially.So he wanted to give himself time to find the right job for him.At first I understood his need to resign as he was unhappy with his employer.he used to come home stressed and tossed.but as the months goes by, i realised that i should have discouraged him to resign even though his dad could help us.Because He didn't have any need for emergency.he considered it as a holiday and time off.while it was good to see him lighten up and free from distress, I began to know him a bit more that we see each other 24/7...he is just lazy.he doesn't make enough effort to find the job he really wants.I suggested that since his dad can help, he can take the opportunity to even study something he really likes...he spent few month wondering what it is that he wants to do.I made an effort just to go along without saying anything.But i feel really ashamed when all he does is waiting until we are out of money and just go to his dad to get the mortgage and the bills money.
I am sure he must feel ashamed at some point but he doesn't have enough courage to take risks and own up.

I suggested that it's probaly time to run our own business since me and him have been doing on and off graphic and web design and print design.my heart has always been since i am at home to do that.I though he would make perfect sense to just devote ourseleves to it since we both have the ability that we have nothing else to loose.He just doesn't want to do it.he said he doesn't want the responsability of owning a business....basically he is just scared.too much responsability and paperwork with tax and all that...and most importantly, the job seeker's allowance will stop if he does start a business.what if the business doesn't work.
So he is happy just to carry on looking for job.he does have a strong CV and gets interviews quite often but no offers.

He metinonned for a time that he doesn't mind me going to work or he will stay home with the kids. he then changed his statements realising how choqued i was, but i never forget that at the back of my mind, he just doesn't want any responsabilities.

I then decided to go on my own for the business idea and he is really not keen on me doing such things because it means , him loosing some benefits coz he is claiming for both of us.I am simply bored out of my head.I thought i am no longer let myself get discouraged again and i am just going to go for it...My knowledge is limited in such things but i want to go ahead and learn.I registered the company as limited and i am just getting aware of all the paperwork involved.He watches me and keeps complaining to me if i know all the steps involved that i am not doing things right, that business is not just a child play etc...he critizes my work, that i don't know how to pay attention to details in the designing of materials etc...I have just swichted myself off listening to him coz I am losing respect for him.I am internally discouraged and want to give up the idea and dissolve the company.coz I don't think i can do it on my own.

Since being with him, i am going downhill...it's my fault, how do i manage.

I don't want to have sex anymore.the only thing he is passionate about is sex.he thinks our marriage is just fine since sex is there.so his life is full.a great wife, kids ,sex whenever he wants to....what more a man need.

I don't like having sex with him anymore.I like sex but i don't need it as such. i don't feel any attraction or connection for him.



I don't want to do things i don't want to do anymore.church is good but it gets boring;preaching is flat,trying to maintain the children and not listenning to sermons.We go church every sunday and the rest of the week, we are not different from our cigarettes and weed smoking neighbours.
So this sunday, i said to H.I am not going to church.he said ia am going then.i said don't go on your own take at least one of the kids so i can get some sleeps.he complained that the kid will stop him listen to the sermon and i thought, yes that' swhy you like going to church with me because the whole responsability to maintain the children falls on my shoulders.

He grudgingly went out of the house with our daughter.

I tried to tell him we need some couple counselling.he thinks he doesn't need any of that.He doesn't understand why i want to complain to him all the time while all he does, is being nice to me and providing me with everything i need.he is nice to me, avoiding conflicts and serious talks.

He never does anything he is passionate about, doesn't go out, he doesn't have any male friends.the only interactions we have is when we go to see his dad every week end.
I have sort of disconnected with my old friends coz i thought i will consecrate my time with my family.i try now and then since he is at home, to go out to cinema on my own.he is a indoor person.he will never come up with things like , hun i am taking you out tonight. in 4 years, we have never been out.he is quite happy to have me do things but not when they get me passionate or entertain me more than the commitment i give the family, he will do anything to make me stop it.in a nice, and needy way so at the end i feel guilty.

I am so angry.
I don't want to divorce but i have been considering.i feel like going away somewhere but i know i wouldn't want to come back.I am quite happy to live on my own.and let him go to live with his dad.

I need to recollect my life.

please help me.

Last edited by Fairy; 30th May 2010 at 12:34 PM.
Fairy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st June 2010, 09:02 AM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: New here

Wow there are so many threads here one doesn't know where to start. It seems you were the stronger person Fairy and you assumed he would be strong because he was the pastor's son. None of your expectations turned out right. He needs to mature but there is less chance of that happening if you are not looking to God yourself. No doubt he has a lot of maturing to do but you seem to be losing direction as well. You are even mentioning the word divorce.

My quick advice is (I'm rushing off to work just now) keep having sex and keep encouraging him when he does good. Especially when he makes the effort to do the right thing. He obviously has weaknesses but he must have good points as well. I think you are going to grow spiritually through this trial and adjustment although I know it is hard for you, but things can change. He has got the right messages in his head but needs to work them out. Your help and encouragement will go a long way in helping him to be what he should be in leadership etc.

Have to stop now as work calls but will give it some more thought.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2010, 02:21 PM   #3
Fairy
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 19
Re: New here

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Wow there are so many threads here one doesn't know where to start. It seems you were the stronger person Fairy and you assumed he would be strong because he was the pastor's son. None of your expectations turned out right. He needs to mature but there is less chance of that happening if you are not looking to God yourself. No doubt he has a lot of maturing to do but you seem to be losing direction as well. You are even mentioning the word divorce.

My quick advice is (I'm rushing off to work just now) keep having sex and keep encouraging him when he does good. Especially when he makes the effort to do the right thing. He obviously has weaknesses but he must have good points as well. I think you are going to grow spiritually through this trial and adjustment although I know it is hard for you, but things can change. He has got the right messages in his head but needs to work them out. Your help and encouragement will go a long way in helping him to be what he should be in leadership etc.

Have to stop now as work calls but will give it some more thought.

Raymond

I feel Low everyday and out of energy....
I feel worthless...that's how I feel..
I don't want to work on it...i don't really want to try anymore since all my efforts has gone vain and creates even more tension...
It's difficult,right now...
Fairy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 08:51 AM   #4
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: New here

You are not worthless Fairy. Far from it. You posted some brilliant posts here to help others. Whatever marriage problems you have doesn't change the standing you have with God as it is by grace. You know that you are accepted in Christ. The original greek of that verse says He has bestowed favour upon us. If God carried a wallet around every day He would have your photograph in it.

You are worn out just now and have to learn to tackle things in a different way perhaps. I know your husband seems immature and doesn't seem to have left his parents in the right way to stand on his own feet. It might show they have failed somewhere by letting him be so dependent.

We both think the parents should be more tough on him. Do have a chance to talk to his father about it?

Will include you in our prayers tonight.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 10:39 AM   #5
Fairy
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 19
Re: New here

I have tried talking to his dad...very subtly..
he was like he was waiting for me to complain.he said straight away, if you guys need any money come to see me. he believes i feel this way because his son is out of work.

I have said to him that i do not understand why my husband doesn't know what he wants to do as a career, he responded that it was ok not to know and that it's normal.

No matter what i do or say it's his dad...so i very cautious of what i say anymore.the only place i can vent is here...husband thinks i am making a big fuss for nothing coz he has the money.right now, the job's seekers allowance pay him more than he'll ever earn if he was at work.on top of what his dad might give him...

so why do i complain...

I am feeling like i married a less than a man and i feel miserable about it...i don't have that kind of lazy spirit...i have my fault too but as a wife i think i do my part...why do i have to put up with this...
i am looking for work but he frowns it because he claims the benefits for both of us...i am just waiting to calm down to see clearly what my life has come to...if he changes, fine but it really has created some odd feelings in me...
Anyway...Thank you for listening...i have bads and good days.
Thank you.
Fairy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 01:08 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: New here

I sympathise with you Fairy. Even the bible says if any man will not work neither let him eat. Unfortunately part of the benefit culture we live under can foster that wrong mentality even in christians. I am surprised that his father supports his lifestyle.

It's true that a lot of people do not know what they want to do but a man still ought to work. God can guide us as we start. He can only guide a moving car not a stationary one. My wife didn't work once she was pregnant but that's okay as she has been a good mother and that was her calling.

However, you have to work through this Fairy. Nobody is asking you to agree with it. You see the fault and live with it but you have to learn to see the good as well and not dwell on the fault. I think it is dishonest for him to stop you working so that the benefits come in. The money that is used here is what others have had to contribute in tax. That cannot be right. You will be a thorn in his side for good in a way. God can use you to get through to him. Not by you trying to do it but just because of the way you are. It is important to keep encouraging the good there is. That is powerful and there will be opportunities to encourage those things you really feel strongly about when you see a tiny step towards it. Also encourage the things that are genuinely good in themselves. He has a blind spot which you see clearly and the trick is for you to handle it correctly and not clam up. With patience and prayer God will show you how to handle it without breaking the marriage up. Behind every successful man is a good woman they say and you are in the place where you can bring most influence. Not by nagging though as that will be counter productive.

I think it is important you are not overwhelmed with the problem Fairy. At first you came back and said you saw things differently. So you are obviously able to get to that place where you look on the positives and not the negatives. We all have to do that and it is part of spiritual exercise. There is enough bad news around but we can dwell on Christ and His promises and take in and believe who He says we are. That way we will have to give rather that be pushed down by what's around us. Make sure you get good fellowship. My wife asked what church you were going to? Is it his Father's church or is it somewhere else?

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 09:14 PM   #7
Fairy
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 19
Re: New here

After we got married, he decided it was a good argument to tell his dad he wants to move church. He did not want to stay in the same church he grew up in but was too scared to confront his dad so i was the excuse.

I left my church too since i believed the woman should follow the man...what a mistake...church hopping is not a very good thing to do...but by God's grace we found a church where we were both comfortable.and we are still there.the pastor and his wife are nice people but i have not spoken to anybody about anything.

they all know he is out of work but they are praying that he will find something.

I understand what you are saying, Raymond...it's the strength to do it in the middle of all this that i don't have.

Maybe the Lord is trying to teach me patience in prayers.
I am really tired.
I have to go now.
Thank you.
Fairy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2010, 09:43 PM   #8
Fairy
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 19
Re: New here

Someone said just now
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE

I think this is a word for me...
Fairy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2010, 08:50 AM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: New here

maybe God has spoken to you Fairy. We did pray for you yesterday evening. God will give you strength at this time. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? We can't do everything but we can do in His strength all that we are meant to do.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2010, 10:23 AM   #10
Fairy
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 19
Re: New here

Thank you for your prayers,
Thank you
Fairy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:50 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer