Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

CDs / Videos

Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us


Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet

Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 4th April 2014, 07:44 AM   #1
Posts: n/a
Does flirting actually work?

Very much so. In fact, research says it's more effective than looking good.

Signaling availability and interest trumps attractiveness.

Dr. Monica Moore, a psychologist at Webster University in St. Louis, has conducted research on the flirting techniques used in singles bars, shopping malls, and places young people go to meet each other. She concluded that it's not the most physically appealing people who get approached, but the ones who signal their availability and confidence through basic flirting techniques like eye contact and smiles. Just signaling your interest in someone gets you halfway there, whether you're a man or a woman. [How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less]

What type of flirting works best?

Two types of flirting are universal: Smiling and eye contact are indicators pretty much everywhere and work for both sexes.

The available evidence suggests that men and women around the world use many of the same nonverbal behaviors to communicate romantic interest.... Smiling and eye contact do appear to be universal methods used by men and women to convey romantic interest. [The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage]

In fact, eye contact is not only a signal * it can actually make someone more attracted to you.

But what works better than anything else?


And research has isolated which types of touching are regarded as "merely friendly," in the zone of "plausible deniability," or "going nuclear."

Friendly: Shoulder push, shoulder tap, handshake.
Plausible Deniability: Touch around the shoulder or waist, touch on the forearm.
Nuclear: Face touch.

The behavior that participants rated as reflecting the most flirtation and the most romantic attraction was the soft face touch, followed by the touch around the shoulder or waist, and then the soft touch on the forearm. The least flirtatious and romantic touches were the shoulder push, shoulder tap, and handshake. Thus, touching that is gentle and informal, and that occurs face-to-face or involves "hugging" behavior, appears to convey the most relational intent. [Close Relationships]

Research has shown that even a light touch on the arm makes a man more successful in getting a girl's number.

But don't ignore context.

Behavior is perceived differently in different locations. The more formal the setting, the more obvious you need to be to get the signal across.

For each scenario, participants indicated whether they believed the stranger was flirting with them or not. The results revealed significantly higher percentages of "yes" (i.e., flirting) responses when the stranger was in the restaurant bar as opposed to the school hallway (61 percent vs. 49 percent), when the stranger made an effort to go out of his or her way as opposed to making inadvertent and non-effortful eye contact (68 percent vs. 41 percent), and when the stranger paid a compliment as opposed to asking for the time (83 percent vs 26 percent). Not surprisingly, given this pattern of results, the scenario that produced the highest percentage of "yes" responses (74 percent) was that involving a stranger who went out of his or her way to compliment the target while in the "flirt-friendly" setting of a restaurant bar. [The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage]

And, ladies, after you've caught his attention with flirting, keep in mind that studies confirm that "playing hard to get" works.

(Here's the trick to doing it the right way.)

What about for men?

Touching is almost always acceptable for women, but can get men in hot water real fast. And hair flips and lip licking are pretty sex specific to women.

So, early on, how can a guy flirt without getting in trouble?

Research has shown that flirting which emphasizes physical attractiveness has little effect when males do it.

The flirting that is most effective for men involves displays of social dominance.

The results indicated that the men who successfully initiated romantic contact with women exhibited a greater number of particular kinds of nonverbal flirting behavior than men who did not establish romantic contact. Specifically, successful men directed more brief glances at their intended, engaged in a greater number of "space maximization" movements (positioning the body so that it takes up more space; e.g., extending one arm across an adjacent chair, stretching so that both arms extend straight up in the air), changed their location in the bar more frequently, and displayed greater amounts of non-reciprocated touching to surrounding men (e.g., playfully shoving, touching, or elbowing the ribs of other men). In discussing their findings, the researchers concluded that men who provide signals of their positive intentions (e.g., through glancing behaviors) and their status (e.g., through space maximization and non-reciprocated touch of male peers) receive preferential attention from women. [Close Relationships]

How do you know if it's working? When you start talking to her, ask yourself, "Is she speaking smoothly and quickly?"

Because MIT research says that's a very good sign.

Overall, ask yourself, "What would James Bond do?" And here's a guide to what makes Bond so irresistible.

Why aren't they getting my signals!?!

Here's something you probably don't hear a lot: It's most likely your fault.

Researchers have documented a bias where people think they're being clear about their intentions but, in reality, nobody but them thinks they're flirting.

A more recent series of investigations by Vorauer and her colleagues (Vorauer, Cameron, Holmes, & Pearce, 2003) demonstrated that the fear of being rejected by a potential partner can produce yet another pernicious attributional bias. The "signal amplification bias" occurs when people believe that their social overtures communicate more romantic interest to potential partners than is actually the case and thus fail to realize that they have not adequately conveyed their feelings of attraction. [The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage]

You may need to amp it up, even if that makes you a bit uncomfortable.

Research shows that women are more successful in their flirting when they're more direct.

The approach:

Kenneth Agee the marketing director for, an international dating service says: "Many of our clients are great guys, but they lack many of the flirting skills needed to help meet people. Bars and restaurants are not the easiest places to meet people. The approach is key and can make or break the flirting even before it starts. In social settings where you are already interacting, it is much easier to flirt. However, when you have no reason to start communicating, this is where the issue really is. I can flirt easily with people I know, but how do you break the ice when you see someone you don't know. This is the typical problem in bars." operates social events where men get to avoid the awkward approach by doing what Kenneth calls: "Speed dating on steroids." Each week they bring a group of men primarily from the USA to foreign countries like Ukraine, China, or Colombia. They sit these men in front of 100 to 300 women, all of whom are seeking a man for a serious relationship. Each man is given a translator and moves from table to table; typically each table will have 3 to 5 women seated. Men are moved about every 10 to 15 minutes and by using this technique the men never have to have an approach. Kenneth says: "This dramatically reduces the stress men feel when approaching a stranger. With this scenario, men who are typically shy find it very easy to flirt. This is why our success rate is so high"

Renee Piane of who gives courses on flirting for clients says: "Just learning a few techniques makes flirting so much easier. Getting past the approach is half the battle."
  Reply With Quote
Old 5th April 2014, 10:15 AM   #2
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Does flirting actually work?

I think its sad that anyone thinks they need to learn to flirt. We dont need to flirt with anyone to get a good partner. Be yourself, show an interest in them and if its right it will happen.
Flirting can be very wrong and dangerous unless both people are completely single and unattached, by that I don't just mean married, but in any sort of relationship.
Stay way from flirting is my advise, unless its with your husband or wife.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th April 2014, 05:41 PM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Does flirting actually work?

I think I agree. Real matches are not about flirting which can be a kind of manipulation to get what you want. It is questionable what the reason for flirting is. I have a brother who flirted all the time and bedded many women. He has been on his own for the last thirty years regardless of how successful his tehcniques were in his younger days. His marriage didn't last two years.

My wife knew me as a person on a different level and fell in love with me without me knowing. There was no flirting whatsoever although we went out to get to know each other once I was told she was in love with me. I have been happily married for over thirty years and I was hopeless at flirting.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th April 2014, 12:49 AM   #4
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Does flirting actually work?

My husband is like that Raymond, he wouldn't have a clue how to flirt, and I am not sure I would either. Never needed to really.
Another thing that worries me is that in the article it mentions men who go abroad to find women. Men who do this are often those who are bad at relationships anyway, and haven't been able to have a functional relationship with a women in their own country. I remember seeing some programmes about this with several men involved who quite honestly were either extremely selfish and just wanted a woman to pander to their needs, or who had had one disastrous marriage/relationship after another and seemed to think that finding a women abroad was going to change that. I didn't have any hope for those men at all.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th April 2014, 08:26 AM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Does flirting actually work?

There are a lot of countries with women who want to get to the west and I suspect that is a little to do with it. In some countries they have a servant mentality which some western men like. I see it a lot around here. Older men which much younger foreign wives. There are also a lot of older westerners in those countries who marry much younger women and keep them in comparative luxury by that country's standards. They stand to inherit when their husband passes on. I am not saying it is all like that but I think that sort of thing does feature, possibly because of the vast age differences.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th April 2014, 04:50 PM   #6
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Does flirting actually work?

Yes I see that a bit as well. Its sad though that some men don't seem to want an equal partnership in a marriage, but a women who cooks and cleans and waits on them. I suppose that says a lot about the men though.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2014, 09:42 PM   #7
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 89
Re: Does flirting actually work?

Well, I was a GREAT flirt and I am married to the recipient of my flawless flirtations.....I also played hard to get and that blew his mind...he was very interested in me. So, yes flirting works but there has to be resepct and boundaries in all situations.
LibraLady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th May 2014, 05:53 PM   #8
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Does flirting actually work?

I suppose it depends on what the end in mind is. To find a husband or a wife might be good. My brother did it just for sex and had lots of women on that level. My flirting got me to go out with a few women, but none of them were right. All above board of course.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:18 PM.

Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer