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Old 3rd April 2012, 12:35 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Confused & Scared

My husband and i have been married for 4 years this year and we have been together for 11 years in total. Last Tuesday evening he came to me and said that he he loves me but like a family member and not like a wife and he wants us to split up.

He moved into the spare room, i spent one night at my parents house then came home. The last week has gone in a bit of a blur. He has gone away on a trip now until Friday (that has been planned for a few months) so we now have a little space.

I tried to reason with him and say that it was unfair that he had obviously been feeling this way for sometime and he had never spoken to me about it. He said that it was definitely over. I emailed him on Friday (because i get too upset when i try to talk about it) and said when you come back from your trip can you please sit down and talk to me to discuss what went wrong so i can try to make sense of it in my head, he said yes but reconfirmed that there was not chance of us sorting this out.

Then on Sunday morning he came into the bedroom and said that he didn't want to give me any false hope but he had missed me over the last few days and there may be a chance for us and he said all the things that were bothering him. He felt that i had been suffocating him basically i know deep down that he has been pulling away from me in the last year or so and i have panicked and try to grab hold of him and this has pushed him away further.

Just to give you a little background, we have always been very independent people and enjoyed our time apart with our friends and we when i first married him i felt very secure and would happily spend time with my friends over a weekend and he would do so too, we had separate holidays as i enjoy adventure holidays and he enjoyed golf but then we would do stuff together also. During our relationship my husband gave up work and went back to university to be a teacher, which i think is great and i love the fact he has the courage to do that. However part of the problem i feel is now his job. During term time he leave the house at 8am - he gets back in at 5pm and then he will relax for an hour and then he starts work again until around 10pm. I appreciate that he has a stressful job however during school holidays he doesn't want to spend any time with me either, he says he feels like all of this has become a chore and we used to have fun together and be carefree. I will accept my part in this by saying that all i do is moan to him about us spending time together and i have become insecure and clingy, however i have done this as i reaction to how he has changed! He has also said he will not change his job.

I would just like to know if anyone has been through anything similar or if any men out there can give me an insight into how he has been feeling!!
marie29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2012, 01:09 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Confused & Scared

Three things immediately struck me Marie, although there may be nothing in them.

Firstly, and I hope it isn't this, but it does sound a bit like I love you but am not in love with you. We get a lot of that on here and nine times out of ten another person has appeared on the scene of the one who says it. I think you need to check this aspect just to make sure.

Secondly sex. If we haven't come together bedroom wise for a time then it can feel like just friends but not lovers. If I feel that then I know I have been neglecting the bedroom part of our marriage, but that is up to him I suppose unless you are one who instigates as well. A bit difficult if he has moved to the spare bedroom though but maybe it might have been a factor.

Thirdly was he actually working on the marriage? They do need work sometimes. It's more than feelings. One needs to love on purpose as well. In other words our wills need to be involved which comes from commitment. I think your need is quite legitimate in spending time together. That is quite reasonable if you are married. Of course you need to be careful how this is put across so it doesn't sound manipulative but it is a need not only for you but for the marriage itself, if it is to survive. He seems to be neglecting this side of it. It is great that you were confident enough to have seperate holidays but perhaps this went too far?

To me he sounds a bit ignorant of how a marriage works and perhaps marriage counselling for both of you together will help? It is a vital part of life and happiness to get it right.

I don't think moaning will help as it is like nagging which can be a killer. You need to learn other skills as the former two are akin to manipulation. You are right you need time together. We need to think of ways to get it across without moaning.
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