Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 21st October 2010, 01:51 PM   #1
tbatom
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 3
adultery

Hi

I hope to obtain help here. Myself and wife were both chaste when we married about a year ago, having dated for 6 years. She traveled abroad about month ago and I found myself just a few days ago involved in casual sex with an old lady friend of mine (whom I had absolutely no relationship with nor intend to).

I am so devastated and I know it will shatter my wife's life if she gets to know. The truth is that no one will ever find out if I decide to let it be so, but can I get true forgiveness from God if I decide to keep it as a secret? I have been in a humbling fast since the experience.

My wife is so pure and I want to confess my foolish behavior and sin to her, but I fear the worst, her life would be absolutely shattered. Will she ever trust and love me again?

Can anyone please help me?
tbatom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st October 2010, 02:56 PM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: adultery

Oh dear what a mess. Goodness knows why you did it, or what possessed you, but this is done now and there will be repurcussions. In my opinion you have to come clean and tell her. How can you think of keeping something like this a secret? What if the other woman tells her?

yes she will be devastated, and she may want to end the marrriage, that is her choice, but not to tell her is not an option as far as I am concerned. This is the terrible effect that adultery has. Its breaks the marriage covenant and destroys trust. No matter what she does, you need to do some serious thinking and praying as to why you would do this, especially only a year after you have married. You clearly need to set some very strict boundaries with reference to the opposite sex from now on.

It may not be the end of your marriage,you may be lucky, that is for your wife to pray about and decide, but to keep such a thing a dark secret will badly affect the marriage. Besides that, you may now have a sexually transmitted disease that you could pass on to her and need to get checked out. After all, if the woman thinks nothing of sleeping with another mans wife, she has probably slept with many other people as well.

Yes she could trust you again.....eventually, but it would take a very long time. Some can stay in a marriage after such a betrayal, and some cant, that is her decision. I am sure she will still love you, and learn to forgive you, but only time will tell if the marriage does survive.She may want to seperate for a while, while this all sinks in and she thinks and prays about the future.

I suggest that you go and see your pastor and tell him all of this.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st October 2010, 08:49 PM   #3
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: adultery

You have God's forgiveness through your repentance. I agree with Chosen in that you need to tell your wife and share your weakness.

I see it as a slip and not a premeditated adultery which usually happens over a period of time. I think the quicker you confess it the less damaging it will be to her.

You need to humble yourself before her. She has no reason to divorce as your heart seems to be right. She will not initially be happy but it is so important to level with her.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st October 2010, 09:59 PM   #4
smn
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: adultery

I agree with telling your wife what happened....she deserves the truth, she will be really hurt and feel torn apart but she will also realise that it takes a lot for someone to admit there wrong doings, one thing will go in your favour and that will be that you have been man enough to tell her, a lot of people take the cowards way out and lie and sooner or later the truth will come out and then things will get worse as your wife will doubt everything thats happened in the marriage she will think shes been living a lie and that you have behaved normal and she will never trust you again....put your wife first, tell her you have made a big mistake, tell her you will do whatever it takes to win her love back..really hope it works out for you both!!!
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2010, 04:58 PM   #5
tbatom
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 3
Re: adultery

Thanks guys, you have really encouraged me. I would go ahead and tell her. I implore your support in prayer.

Chosen, yes I already begun the process to have myself tested for any STD infection.

I just would want to warn anyone reading this that no one is safe from adultery, at least as I've found out now. ADDED TO THAT, IT IS NOT WORTH IT FOR ANY REASON.

So please be on your guard and pray especially in your lonely moments.

Last edited by tbatom; 22nd October 2010 at 05:05 PM.
tbatom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2010, 05:23 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: adultery

We have prayed for you and for her. I am sure you will be stronger after this in that area and God can even make it work for good in the long run as you are one that loves Him and are called according to His purpose.

You have dealt with the vertical situation. Now you must deal with the horizontal one which will be more difficult but necessary. I feel your honesty and repentance will go a long way. Don't be tempted to make light of it or draw attention to others worse than you.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2010, 05:40 PM   #7
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: adultery

tbatom
Its a humbling experiece to learn that we are all weak and vulnerable human beings, however someone like you can be a great asset to others as you warn them that we all need to be so careful and have good strong boundaries in marriage. Not spending time alone with anyone of the opposite sex is a good start, and I am sure that your wife will need to know that you will keep to such boundaries in the future.
Its easy to think that we will never be tempted in certain areas but we all need to be so careful and wise. Satan does prowl around and so many CHristians fall in this area. As you say, it just isnt worth it.

I agree with Raymond in that you must not be tempted to in anyway blame her ie to say that it was because SHE went away and you got so lonely.You need to accept 100% of the blame, as it as you that made the decision to cheat, and also to say that you will do all that you can to make sure it never happens again.

I hope and pray that she will think seriously about staying in the marriage, but it will almost certanly take a while before she can come to that point,and you will have to be very patient, and there are no guarantees as I am sure you are aware.

God Bless
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2010, 10:12 PM   #8
Abom
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
Re: adultery

I still haven't stopped crying! Words Cannot Describe how I feel now. All I do since my husband told me about his affair is to cry and Pray. I am so confused. As I sit here typing all I want to do is to leave him. He has betrayed our Love, our vows and everything I call sacred in a marriage. Now I am afraid of him and there is no trust left in me. I am broken but I am trusting God for direction. Thank you all for telling him to tell me. I don't know what to do but one thing I am sure of is that God has not left my side in all of this. My husband gave me this site to log in so I did. Pls pray for us nd let us do the right thing. God bless you all for your advice.

Abom.
Abom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2010, 06:14 PM   #9
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: adultery

Abom I can totally understand that you feel devastated and deeply betrayed. Its is so hurtful and the trust is shattered . I once heard a teaching on adultery and divorce, and the man described the marriage after adultery as being like a vase that had been knocked on the floor and shattered to peices. You have 2 choices. You either choose to sweep it up and throw it away,and end the marriage, or to slowly and painstakingly peice it back together again.Some people cannot carry on after such betrayal, and some do manage to stay together and work at restoring the trust.

Only you can know which you will do, and it may take time for you to make that decision as at the moment you are still in shock. Dont rush into anything, you may want and need a time apart to think and pray as to what you will do.

If you do stay together you will probably need to set clear boundaries about his future behaviour with other women, such as never being alone with another woman so that he will not be tempted again, and he will need to do all that he can to try to build up that trust. It may also be a good idea for you both to go and see your pastor about this, and for your husband to see one or two mature Christian men regularly to pray with him, and make sure that he is acting properly.

I am so sorry for your deep pain.

God Bless
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2010, 08:33 PM   #10
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: adultery

I am hoping that it works out. Your husband sought advice and we counselled him to tell you. He has honoured this advice and not shirked. I do not make light of what happened but it doesn't seem to have been premeditated. It just happened. His repentance and disgust at himself is obvious.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2010, 09:55 PM   #11
Abom
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
Re: adultery

Thank you all for the Advice, I would pray and think carefully about the decision I should make. I am encouraged. God bless you both for your concern. Pray for us.
Abom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2010, 12:55 AM   #12
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: adultery

God knows the future, so listen to him and to what He guides you to do. He know the best decision that you can make. He knows what is best for you.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th November 2010, 09:58 PM   #13
tbatom
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 3
Re: adultery

Hello all. Thanks for the support. It has not been easy for us during these period. I know my wife is still in shock. She trusted me so much and now all that is gone, how sad. It is actually a very terrible situation, but I am willing to work at restoring that confidence with God's grace obviously. I pray for strength from God for her and and total restoration for us. We have been talking and I pray we do what is right before God.

I am very grateful to you all once again for your prayer and support.

Last edited by tbatom; 4th November 2010 at 10:06 PM.
tbatom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2010, 09:03 AM   #14
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: adultery

tbatom
What Satan meant for evil, God can use for good. I hope that good can come out of this horrible situation. If your wife does decide to carry on with your marriage, you need to make 100% sure that you never ever get in such a situation again. I doubt she will give you a second chance.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2010, 10:00 AM   #15
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: adultery

Hi Tbatom. Trust is the crucial thing. It takes the longest to be built up but can be broken the quickest. This is your task. To restore the trust that once was. That will take time. No quick fix there. If you have learned your lesson then that can be your strongest area.

You will have to watch your habits and your thoughts. Be careful what you are watching as unfaithfulness is pushed everywhere you look. If there is a weakness there it might be helpful to submit to certain controls for the time being like letting your wife know what you are doing and who you are with whenever you are away. That is not controlling you but something you submit to in order to help you stay clean.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
adultery, confession

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:32 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer