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Old 24th February 2011, 01:54 PM   #16
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Last night we had an open talk which went up to 3 in the morning.I had to let him know that if things are not turning better its best that we walk our own ways, it was terrible for me to talk such things but I guess i have made myself mentally strong for the consequences.
His reaction broked me completely. It made me feel as though I am the bad woman in this entire episode. He broked into tears n just kept staring at his wedding ring.He also stated that Marriage for him was once & forever & he would break completely if I would walk away from his life.I saw the pain in his eyes & i know its genuine.
At the same time I made him realise how hurt even I am with all thats going between us & also that I expected to have a baby by now. I questionned him soo much from all different angles & also to the aspect whether he was sexually abused while he was a child etc. Also, I told him it was very hard for me to believe that he was not sexually attracted to me all these years.
What he states is that he admits he has done mistakes in the beginning & feels guilty about it, he blames himself that he was shy & acted immaturedily. But he states that when he realised things & wanted to put things right I have not co-operated with him by saying that I dont feel for him when he touches me etc....He says he cant force himself on me if I am not ready for things. Things get only complicated I believe. I also stated & expected that if he admits or feels somwhere that he has low sexual urge or any problem then we can seek help because only if you can accept there is a problem then u can accept a transformation.
But his conduct & explanation is steady as they were before which makes me feel now there is a big problem in me for not accepting him with an open heart when it comes to the physical aspect. At times I strongly feel that I'll allow him do what he wants to do with me although I dont feel a bit, at least I will be convinced that he proved me wrong. Because somewhere I am so confident that he just cant do anything & is just pushing himself.
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Old 24th February 2011, 02:49 PM   #17
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Does he have problems with potency that he may be too embarassed to admit? Is it worth seeing a doctor?
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Old 24th February 2011, 04:50 PM   #18
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

Originally Posted by pari View Post
I am so confident that he just cant do anything & is just pushing himself here.
The way I see it, he should push himself. For the relationship if not to prove something to himself.

Last edited by getaffe; 3rd March 2011 at 09:26 AM.
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Old 24th February 2011, 06:03 PM   #19
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

It is a very difficult problem Pari. My own worry is the eunuch problem which would never be sorted if that was the case as he wouldn't be called to marriage. If that were the case you would not need to feel guilty as it would be better that he wasn't married in spite of how many tears he sheds. Guilt is never a good motivator to do the right thing.

The only other option I can see is that his shyness and awkwardness are genuine although it seems after all this time that shouldn't be the case. He now says that it is because of your response that he is not forward but you have not the confidence that he is sexually mature enough to follow through. I am sure you do not want him to push it if the desire is not really there within him.

Could be that he got a blockage through some childhood incident but you say you have been through all this.

Do you believe he has any sexual desires? You would know that better than anyone. I am thinking that if he is not up to full IC straight away that maybe you could start in little ways perhaps? Maybe a HJ in a darkened room to awaken him? See what the response is when the pressure is off of him? He would just have to be passive and not pressurised to perform. Perhaps a little music? Privately without telling him or pressurising him you would know if there was any normal drive there. If it was positive you could gradually move on from there over a period of time. A kind of coaching. Could bear fruit or could reveal something you were afraid of. If you do try it you would have to make it positive and patient as any wrong signal from you could scupper the whole thing.
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Old 28th February 2011, 01:05 PM   #20
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

RAYMOND : Thanks a lot for your piece of advice & understanding my situation. I dont know much about eunuch & whether if that is his problem will he ever open up & tell that to me ? I dont think so.
He has always stuck to one version from the beginning is that he is perfectly normal & that we should make things work..
Sexual desires....hummm ...I just cant judge that. At times I feel he' just putting things up,well my mindset at the moment is not such that I am in a position to coach him up.I know I should not give up something so easily what God has united in his Love but somehow I dont even think i can smooch him. The heart is all in doubts & fear to trust him.He is trying his best these days, hugging,kissing,coming closer but I am just not in it. Its only when my mind is clear with regards to him, I can proceed & make this marriage work.
I did speak to our Parish priest finally, he didnt say much (which i completely understand until he hears from the other side), but yes, he agreed to the fact that if we both could meet a 3rd person like an counsellor & try to understand each other in the light of 3rd person & why have things taken such a bad shape then I would be in a clear position to make a decision.
May be I can understand his mindset or what made him behave such or what went wrong between the both of us from a 3rd person's point a view which may be am not able to understand from my husband. Also, if I choose to part our ways I would be convinced that I didnt take any irrational decision. At least things would be clear for anyway that we conclude.
The priest has referred me to a Marriage Counsellor & I am in the process of fixing an appointment for next week.
In the meanwhile, I ask for your prayers & Gods wisdom & grace on both of us so that we be honest in all that we are doing & the Holy Spirit to guide us in his light.
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Old 28th February 2011, 08:16 PM   #21
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Re: Living in a Sexless Marriage.....

We will pray for you Pari and I hope the counselling goes well.

With regard to the term eunuch I am using it in the way Jesus uses it in Matthew 19:10 when he says that some are born eunuchs from their mothers womb. It can be a natural state for some although quite rare. I always thought Cliff Richard was as he eventually realised that had no need of marriage. Some think he is gay but I don't personally believe that is the case. It is a perfectly honourable state. I know there are artificial eunuchs and those who make themselves eunuch for higher purposes, but that is another subject not relevant here. Most are called to marriage.

Basically in plain english it means that a man is emasculated and does not have the normal sexual drive which most men have. As I said before your case is very similar to one we had on here previously.

I hope I am wrong and that the counselling reveals something but if he has been born that way there is nothing that anyone can do.
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